This is my first time on the site and I'm looking forward to talking with people.
Basically my issue is that I started psychotherapy about 4-5 weeks ago. At first I thought it would be easy and anything that cropped up, I could eradicate by reason and a sense of logic. Not so.
I've found myself very attached to my therapist. I saw her out of clinic walking around (as we must be living in the same town) but I did not speak to her as I know boundaries need to be respected for me to get better.
Ever since I saw her in town, I can't stop thinking about her. About a few days before that I told my close friend that I think I might be attracted to her. (It doesn't help that she is pretty!)
For the past week I have been crying every day and quite a lot. I am starting to realize the depth of my attachment to her which pertains to my lack of love from childhood. Though things are coming out into the open about myself, I am feeling a lot of pain and I feel like I am in love with her. I have now lost my appetite.
The idea of leaving in 3 weeks is scaring me so much. Everytime I think of it I start crying. As if I lost my lover.
I plan to tell her how I feel in 5 days when I see her as I understand that transference is of use in psychotherapy. I admit I am a bit nervous to tell her because I see her as practically everything; my lover, parent, sister, best friend, everything.
The idea of not seeing her again is intensely painful. The fear of leaving has taken over my mind so much that I am even willing to travel over 6 hours on that saturday just to keep seeing her.
How can I go about dealing with the pain of saying goodbye to her. It will feel worse than when I used to say goodbye to my grandparents whom I saw once a year for a few weeks. And that was very, very painful when I was a child. I was left to deal with mourning they're going away with little compassion from my stepmum and Dad, instead told to 'shut up' after they got tired of me.
And I feel that I am regressing into this absolutely helpless state where I could just collapse onto the floor, not move and grieve for what feels like forever.
I am very, very sad and scared of the time to come.
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