if she had not said she cared deeply about me,
I would not have begun to trust her
If she had not said she would be there for me
I would not have dared to reveal the pain
if she had not said she would help me and that she could handle whatever came up
I would not have told her the awful things.

I told her the awful things and i hit the trauma feelings again.
I learnt to feel her love and care and when that faded, usually within hours or a day, I felt a gnawing ache (the trauma from way back which I was little) that would not go away. Adn so i limped through the seven days between sessions.

When I asked her for stepping stones she told me that her supervisor and herself agreed that it was for my long term interest that she does not give in to that and that I learnt to cope on my own.

When the trauma feelings got worse because I was telling her about the traumas, I begged and pleaded for more support.

She told me that I was manipulative and would just keep pushing boundaries.

When i told her that the anniversary on one of the worst traumas was coming up she dismissed that.

When I told her that for the past six weeks I have not FELT any care in me, from her she heard that as me saying she has not cared about me and let rip, several times about how much she does.

When I pointed out that she was not hearing what I was saying she said that i feel misunderstood by people.

And the trauma feelings increased, the adrenaline the lack of sleep, the anxiety and fear of being out on my own and then the nightmares and the flashbacks/ And so I asked for steppingstones again and got the same answer but with a begrudged ten minutes phone cal that I took at face value and she actually revealed last Wednesday that she begrudged hugely.

Eventually with all this misunderstandings and the anniversary of India in full swing, and then the smallest part of me coming out and revealing her pain, we had what I call Crisis Friday last Friday and she helped me through that and when I said later that the littlest me actually liked all that caring and attention she interpreted that as me being manipulative and that Crisis Friday was a sham and emailed her schedule for terminating with me.

I hurt so much that I can only get about two or three hours sleep by using valium (something that I have never used in my life)

My whole system is in overdrive, pumping with the trauma responces.

And now she is saying we should just have one session to end, next Wednesday. What do I do? Beg?

We worked together for 15 months, how can we just stop within one week?

I wish I could stop the very centre of my chest hurting like it has had a great big hole scooped out of it.