I can barely type my fingers are shaking, my whole body is shaking so badly with anxiety and grief. It's unrelenting and horrible. This week has been a hellish nightmare for me despite my best intentions and my determination to make this all work out with my T. I loved him so much and I still do....why do I still love him when he has been so horribly cruel to me? I must be a pathetic person.

I am still recovering from surgery but I went to see him Thursday at 1 as we had planned. I was scared but trying to be calm. It was our last session before his vacation. I was hoping he had a change of heart and would provide me with one or more of the things I requested in my letter to him about my coping skills while he would be away for 3 weeks. I worked hard on this and gave it a lot of thought and was willing to take charge of what should have been something HE worked on with me. He kept procrastinating about this. I had to keep reminding him that first i needed him to help me get through surgery. He half-heartedly did that but I could tell it was more of going through the motions than really caring what I was struggling with.

When I got to session he had all my stuf I had loaned him a DVD, the trauma CDs, my little anchor I left there last week, and a receipt for my son's camp piled on his table. That freaked me a bit but I didn't mention it because it was too scary. We then spoke about my surgery experience and I told him that I am learning to ask for what I need because I was able to do just that in the hospital and also in asking my sister to stay overnight with me. I told him it was painful in parts and other times it was okay and I was able to eat again and how I handled my son's reaction to my being away in the hospital. He seemed interested and then we started talking baseball after a few minutes of awkward silence. I was trying to find something to talk over that would not leave me in an awful place before he left for vacation. I needed this to go well.

After a bit of baseball he gave me a list of Ts and said to call them and find one for me for now and going forward. He said he would not leave me and was still in my life through my son's therapy. I said its not the same I need to talk to you about me not just him and he said we could make a little time to talk and I reminded him when we did that in the past he told me I was taking over my son's sessions. He said we coudl work all of this out. We then talked about the list and how I would not see this woman he was pushing on me. I don't want a female T as I have told him many times. It started degenerating into harshness and I was getting dissociative and he kept saying are you listening to me? he kept repeating my name in a mean way and I could not focus on him it was feeling too dangerous.

Finally session was over and I think i realized that he was obviously not going to give me anything to hold onto while he was gone. I was so heartbroken and in pain. He kept saying we would meet on 9/1 and I had an appt with him that day and we will talk more then. I was looking at 3 weeks with this awful feeling inside of me. Why why did he do this before he left giving me other phone numbers and telling me to go find someone? This was so hard.

I slowly walked out to my car on leaden legs. My stitches hurt from all the crying I did in his office and I had emotional pain as well. I felt profoundly alone and scared. I reached my car and it was pouring rain and I could not get my feet inside and close the door so I sat there and a huge wall of grief came over me in a powerful torrent of tears that I could not stop. I cried for 20 mins and tried to call a friend to help me as I was just thinking of all the pills I had home from surgery and how much I wanted to die because if I died he would feel the pain I was feeling. I was on the phone when my T walked out of his office to find me there and ask me what the problem was. He saw me still parked in front. Maybe he thought I had a surgery issue but I was sobbing. My friend and he spoke on the phone and deemed that I was "unsafe" and so my T instead of calming me down or talking to me started threatening me to call my dh (who does not know about therapy) and when I would not give him the number he called the police on me!!

How does that feel that your T does not want to help you to talk to you and calmyou downn bnut just calls the police instead and just abdicate his responsibility onto them instead. I would not go with the police to the crisis center whe they decided I should go and then I called a girl friend who works nearby. Oh and during this time my T grabbed my car keys so I could not drive away from there. I wanted to leave but he would not let me becuase I was "unsafe".

After much time and talking by all parties it was decided I would go talk to crisis and my T would come with me to keep me safe. He was all crazed cancedlling patients and running around like a crazy man. I was drenched from rain and scared to death. I was afraid to go cause they would keep me there and by this time I was perfectly calm and rational I was just so hurt and in pain and wondering what the hell happened to this wonderful caring empathic man who cried with me who hugged me who cared for my son, who was always there for me and who was gentle kind and understanding. Where did he go?

There was no P at crisis and I spoke (we both did) with a crisis worker who was not helpful and was scarcastic and even harmful to me. She said I should stay in the hospital but my T could not commit me.... I told him I would never forgive him for this. How could he do this to me. So finally they decided I could go home if my friend came over and took all my pills from me. They left all of my care to a friend who was not even a close friend and left me out there on my own with no anxiety meds to help calm me down.

I said bye to my T there in the crisis center with people around. I asked him for ahug and he said no maybe because of the people around us. I asked him if this was hard for him and he looked at me and said yes for all the reasons I was thinking... I was not thinking anything and don't know what he meant. He squeezed my shoulder and said to take care and that we STILL had a 9/1 appt. I said I was not sure I could keep it I was so sad/scared. I shook his hand and said goodbye and he said NO not goodbye just goodnight. I left him there then knowing I would see him in 3 weeks if I could somehow survive.

Last night I got an email from him cancelling that session and saying that I should call the Ts on the list and find someone new and focus on my new therapy and not seeing him. And to look for love in my own backyard and to have a nice life. He also made it sound like he is cancelling my son's therapy as well and my son is a little boy who loves this T. It is so awful I cannot explain how I feel.

How could he do this to me. This is a 2.5 year deeply close and intimate relationship. I have spent more than 300 hours talking to him about my most deeply private stuff. He knows me better than anyone ever ever did in my life and he abnandoned me. He left me alone with nothing and no one, no resources except the vactaaion ones which he said to use going forward and not just for vacation. It was basically a CYA email. oh he also gave me the names of 3 Ps to call for MeDS. I am NOT depressed I am in horrible grief. I am sad and hurt and in pain and have been abandoned but I'm not depressed in the clinical sense.

How can I ever ever trust anyone again? He promised, swore, wrote down, emailed, repeated and reassured me that he would never leave me. That I should put it out of my mind that he would ever aske me to leave him and it was up to me to decide. He said he would always be there for me. He said to trust him and be open and tell him my fears and abuse and he would never turn away from me. That I could never tell him anything that would make him turm away from me! And he did just that. Even after I told him how I was abandoned by my parents in an emotijoal way and how they would threaten me all the time to send me away and one day they put a big doll in my bed and took me to see it and said they found a better daughter! We cried together over that story. T and I cried over that and he said he would never do that to me and I deserved better. I told him that if he knew me... really knew me he would leave and he said he would not do that it was okay. AND HE LEFT ME. HE NOW KNOWS ME AND HOW DAMANGED I AM AND HE RAN FROM ME. He did not even have the guts to offer me a termination session or even a session with another T a new T for me so we could transition me safely and in a humane caring way to another T.

I am so hurt, sad and disappointed in the human race. I have been hurt over and over again even as I tried so hard to make this turn out differently. You are supposed to trust your T... and look what happeend with I did just that.

I am now profoundly alone. Scared. No medication. No T. No one. I'm driving my few friends away that know about this story. I am not even deserving of having anyone who matters in my life.

I ruined this therapy which meant so much to me. My T is someone I loved and trusted with my life and my son's life. And he abandoned both of us. I ruin everything.

Thanks for listening.
TN