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8 replies

the Search for Meaning

itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
I recounted more of my past to my Psychiatrist this week....She asked me "What meaning do you give to all that happened to you?"

After a couple of days of thinking, all I could come up with was Chaos, Horror, Insanity,..no positive meaning at all. Nothing any good, for sure.

That's what it was like to witness what I did, to experience what I did, to say goodbye to the 4 people in my life who killed themselves. To have my power and options taken away from me by people who said it was their job to "help me". To feel abused by them, humiliated, drugged and shocked.

Today I was able to tell her I was a witness in the hospitals those 9 years to the pain and experience of people no one cared about. I was there watching and listening to people who had become my friends when no one else saw, or heard, or wanted to.

I am a nurse. I witnessed the ridiculousness of today's medical model psych system in action as a patient through a patient's eyes and a nurse's eyes and I work(ed) in this same system as a nurse (working in it has been really painful and crazymaking).

She encouraged me to allow this unsettledness and pain, to allow the meaning to unfold in my life by being open to it, watching for it, and being willing to change the "I'm a victim, life sucks" mode into something where I have gained power and can turn it around into something good.

What meaning this has or will have, I have no idea, but hope and a drive to recover, a drive toward something better than this is still inside.

I thought my job was going to bring this power and meaning but the job itself balanced out the power thing into some power and success leveled by the reality of being a bystander and witness to patients' (learned hopeless and helpless) choices plus being locked into my role inside an archaic system, limited in what I could actually offer.

What positive meaning can this level of uninvited rudely interrupting mental pain have in anyone's life?
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butterflywarriorbutterflywarriorMember
ever read Man's search for meaning by viktor frankyl?? that's not quite the spelling of his name but easy to look up if you haven't read it.

he's a psychiatrist that survived through the holocaust. Normally a depressing topic however the book he wrote was really really good, fascinating and interesting.

I really think it's a great book when it comes to meaning of things that are so out there and also within ourselves....
itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Hi Catgirl and BW,

Thanks for answering me. Umm...the meaning thing she asked is me looking back on going thru all that.....and why do I think it happened?, what does the whole experience leave me with?, what good (or bad) do I think I learned from it?, am I bitter, sarcastic, angry, hurt person now or do I have a deepened compassion, ability to forgive and a sense of acceptance?, what good can I do now because it happened?......those are the kinds of questions involved.

Thanks very much for the idea of reading the book by V.F. That's brilliant! I am going to get a copy. Thanks for that idea. This is a very hard thing to get a grip on....it wasted my young adulthood and put me through many horrible things. Not = to the holocaust as they were not intentionally trying to kill me and I did not witness things as horrible, but still similar in some ways .....especially since I was kept there against my will and they had a collective unconsciousness about the damage they were doing to us, (...and my family did not do the hard thing and deal with incest, the root problem)....it's complex.

Karie
butterflywarriorbutterflywarriorMember
suffering is suffering

thats one thing I really loved about Man's search for meaning because he acknowledges that so eloquently that one can't say.. 'well... this is the holocaust.. Nothing I went through can be like that... or invalidate one self.. in fact, he has a perfect analogy that I absolutely adore in there.. you will see it once you read the book. It's rather short too...

Aha, i know about those questions... kinda a process in itself... figuring out meaning making .... sometimes it helps to write stuff out.. mayube all of the Yuk like well here is all the CRAPPY stuff it has brought to me and then from there maybe some small thigns will shine through?? It's possible...

I imagine it would bring up a lot of anger and pent up emotions. It makes me feel anger just to read it for you thinking of my own expereinces and having to try and do such an exercise. It sounds very difficult but also a good challenge....

good fortune
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Thanks for answering me. Umm...the meaning thing she asked is me looking back on going thru all that.....and why do I think it happened?, what does the whole experience leave me with?, what good (or bad) do I think I learned from it?, am I bitter, sarcastic, angry, hurt person now or do I have a deepened compassion, ability to forgive and a sense of acceptance?, what good can I do now because it happened?......those are the kinds of questions involved.


Hi Karie... well that is a deep and huge question. I have asked my T why the things that happened to me happened and he didn't really have an answer either. He does tell me that what happened to me has made me the person I am today. Now for him, that means the positives of me.. and for me it means the negatives. So we are working on this. I think it has made me anxious, fearful, distrusting, etc. He sees it as me being courageous, insightful, strong, and compassionate. When I'm drowing in anxiety I have a hard time seeing what he sees. Maybe one day I can accept his version of me.

And thanks all for the book ideas.

BW... hi. I don't think we have "met" as yet. I'm sorry about your recent losses.

TN
butterflywarriorbutterflywarriorMember
Nice to meet you True North

I was here awhile ago

my health is very precarious and my ability to type, process, write is sometimes crazy, random and just tired... either physically, emotionally, or mentally... so I went down under for awhile and been thinking of this place. I used to keep up by reading but stopped that too.

I have resurfaced again so now I'm here which is why I put the disclaimer of dont know how long b/c I intend to stay but that is always my intention however, it hasn't turned out that way!! LOL.

I like this place.. it feels safe... can't eaplain why.. just is...

Thanks for the condolences, ithas been one BIG roller coaster i feel... not sure what i feel or think.. thus the CBT exercise stuff my therapist has me doing I suppose because I tend to go into avoidance zone. I know I do but I tend to come back to things however, she doesn't know me long enough to realize that. Whatevr the case, it has been kinda crazy...

Sounds like you are in quite a process in therapy yourself... the PROCESS!! Ugh that word but that's what it is.... good fortune
itshardtosayitshardtosayMember
Hi again,

TN... yes, I hear you with both the pos + neg things learned/developed over the years. You note the negatives so easily and why wouldn't you?....you are struggling under them fighting toward change while your T has the position of sitting across from you, not experiencing all of your felt pain, and can easily see your strengths. I'm glad you have an insightful and encouraging T.
Sometimes I have thought that the self I created and developed to protect my most vulnerable and young me....took off running with her assignment to grow protective mechanisms in me to keep that vulnerable kid safe....(pumped up anxiety, fear, fighting the process, etc). It is hard for me to get this newer protector I put in place to step aside so that the vulnerable, real, original me can even breathe sometimes. Don't know if that makes any sense?

BW.......I'm waiting for VF's book to arrive. I read about half of Dark Nights of the Soul over the wknd. WOW!...it's really awesome. I highly recommend it! THomas Moore is a therapist who focuses on the spiritual side of who we are. He is basically saying to allow these less comfortable (!!!) processes of searching and pain to unfold, to ask hard questions, think hard about our personal philosophy of life then learn and grow through this "sort of season" (however long or short). I'm looking forward to the VF's book to arrive....it's a good thing I don't have to go to work right now, I'd never have time for all of this reading and reflection. I guess these uncomfortable and unplanned for times are actually gifts in disguise.

Karie

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