Today during my session I stopped fighting my T on what happened last week and whether it means that he isn't able to care for me. I didn't tell him how I felt abandoned when he didn't respond to me messages last week. I didn't ask him whether he understood what my message meant or go over the same kind of conversations. Instead I told him how scared I am that the breathing difficulties are not caused by asthma. I'm afraid I have something worse like COPD. He asked my why I thought that and when I admitted I just felt it he didn't tell me that I was overreacting and I should listen to my doctor and stop reading things on the internet.

He asked my how long I'd been afraid that I had something worse than asthma and I said about 8 years since I was first diagnosed. I told him I had always been afraid of not being able to breathe. He asked me when I started thinking about it and I've worried about it since I was a young child. I don't have any memories of feeling out of breath, choking, near drowning, allergies, asthma, or panic attacks as a child. He was very good about understanding how my recent troubles with breathing (my doctor calls them asthma attacks) are triggering some terrible fears I've always had.


Triggers - mention of CSA

Eventually I admitted that I thought my fear was related to the CSA with my brother but I can't actually remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. We talked about some other triggers I have that produce the feeling that I might not be able to breathe (certain textures) and what I can remember. I actually managed to tell him something about my sexual life with my husband and through it all I didn't think he was judging me or thinking I was stupid or unreasonable. Even when I told him I can't believe I could forget it if it actually happened and I feel like I might be wrong about what I think happened (I'm trying not to be explicit here) he told me it wouldn't be forgetting like it wasn't important. He said I might have tried not to think about it for years.

I cried a lot but I didn't feel like I was alone and he was just waiting for me to finish or not interested. I knew he was with me. At the end he thanked me for sharing what I did with him and I didn't have my usual reaction of thinking he didn't mean it or was pointing out how little I do tell him. It was painful and I'm still scared by I'm glad I told him.