I am still feeling mildly disoriented and thought I would come write things out here. Respond if you will. I don't have any real questions, just felt the impulse to write.
She goes to a church that is unique in our community-- the pretty Episcopal church in the historic downtown building with the trendy, progressive priest. I've been doing some spiritual searching and exploring in different churches for a couple years now (still trying to discover what it is I believe and where exactly I might belong).
Anyway, this church is one of several that's been on my list of places I should check out or at least visit, at least once. I was fully planning on doing this eventually before I knew T went there, and when I explained this she pretty much encouraged me to go for it. She speaks very highly of her church. I still thought it would be awkward to see her there so avoided it in spite of the "permission".
Well, I had more or less put it out of my head, but writing on AV's thread recently about this re awoke the impulse and so the other day I visited the church's website. Well, during the summer they have a Wednesdsay morning "Holy Eucharist and Healing Service."
I don't know what a Healing Service is, but I thought this was perfect because T was bound to be safely in her office on a Wednesday morning, so I could go incognito.
H was home for the day so I left the older two with him this morning and took the baby with me.
I felt this excited anticipatory feeling as I headed out the door that I often feel when trying out a new place of worship. I mean, you just never know what you might find. But as I got closer to my destination, within a couple blocks, that feeling started to turn into one of uneasiness and dread. I started thinking about T, even though I told myself this had nothing to do with her, she wouldn't be there, I was not going there just because she did, and etc.
One block away and the voices in my head are like, "You don't belong here, HIC." I felt I was intruding where I didn't qualify to be. Idk, hard to explain.
I pulled into the parking lot and my heart almost stopped when I thought I saw T's car. I ended up parking all crookedly trying to see the license plate (T's car is easily identifiable by the cheesy personalized license plate slogan). Phew. Not T. Then I noticed I was the only person parked crookedly in a parking lot about a third filled with nicely kept vehicles all primly spaced straight between the lines. I wondered if there was something about Episcopals that they all park this way? lol.
Well, as I walked around the back and side of the building to get to the front door I was all like, "Wow, this is where T comes to pray." And I felt sort of eerie, uneasy? I kept walking and took note of the old brick, wrought iron, the courtyards, antique plaques, the pristine landscaping. I registered that it was very lovely and very peaceful, a place with much atmosphere. But somehow I didn't *feel* the atmosphere as anything other than a potential latent in the place. Instead I just felt that it was friggin' *expensive*.
Okay, so I'm finally at the door and I take a deep breath and. . . it's locked. Yes, I'm a few minutes late. But I've never been to a church that's locked it's doors before during services?? Have any of you? Is this something that is done?
Well, I'm hit by a sense of rejection, disappointed, snubbed-ness, a huge wave of relief, and a dizzying freedom. There is a very unique quality to the felt experience of intending to visit a place for so long and then finding oneself locked out!
Of course, on the way home I'm telling myself all kinds of things like, "I'm going to take this as a sign. I'm never going back there again. 'The Episcopal Church Welcomes You' (that is their slogan, catchy, right?) Ha! T does not know me or know the first thing about me, really. (She has said I'd make a good Episcopalian, lol). This is so not the place for me, blah, blah, blah."
Mmm, but now that I'm home and replaying the scene two things strike me: 1) maybe the service had actually been cancelled because it was awfully quiet around there (but what about all those cars in the parking lot?). 2) I can't absolutely swear that I fully tried both doors. I mean, I think I did but I can't say for sure. I just don't remember.
Maybe the door was open all along and I self generated the experience of being locked out? I don't *think* so, but the fact that I can't be certain is more than a bit discomfiting.
Perhaps I should simply think about something else and stay away from Episcopal churches in future. Dang, I don't know why I feel so "off".
ttyl,
me
