Hi Pippi-
I know you must be very nervous about this next session with your T. I think it is the best thing you can do and I am glad that you are moving forward with telling him even though the thought of it is gut wrenching.

When I told my T, I think I wrote her a letter explaining how I was feeling and had her read it during the session. That was a great discussion starter for us. As far as what I told her, I was pretty explicit. And we have had several discussions about it all and I have continued to tell her when I am struggling and what my thoughts are about. I have been very honest about the whole thing because it tends to help me not be SO obsessed. I am actually doing really well with it now. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's VERY HARD, but I don't feel like an exposed nerve all the time.

quote:

Its hard knowing that you need to go in there and be honest with a guy that you feel like you are in love with just to hear that nothing will ever happen between the two of you and basically just get rejected.

Yes, it is hard. But when you begin to realize this "rejection" is anything but rejection, it will all be worth it. What I mean is, ideally, he is going to hear you, empathize with you, share in your pain, but he will maintain his boundaries with you, not because he doesn't care for you but because he DOES care for you. This has the potential to be the first time you have been able to share yourself completely with someone who is safe and will not take advantage of you. He will not exploit you or try to get anything from you and he will hear your cries for what they really are. What better ACCEPTANCE is there then to be heard, attuned to and truly known, just as you are, without exploitation?

"Let it All Out" by Relient K

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

Pippi,

When I first told my son's T about my feelings towards her, I asked her if she was familiar with transference. That got the conversation started and it was much easier for me to tell her I wanted her to be my friend, even though I knew she couldn't be. I did not tell her how obsessive I felt at times but I did tell her the feelings were intense and I didn't understand why.

Hopefully your T has experience with transference because if it's done right, it can really help in healing I think. It makes sense to me that it would and I've heard from others on here who have had very positive experiences.

My experience was not so positive because we had to switch therapists and I could no longer see her and work all this out with her, although I have worked on it a bit with my new therapist.

OW

My therapist and I are doing work using the transference. It's very very deep thought and sharing

I brought the topic up first. I said something like this.....

"Lately I have been feeling ...ugh...... feeling like overly.....um...........attached. I feel attached. I look forward to the sessions...... wonder what your doing....... I miss you..... This makes me uncomfortable"

My therapist said that she already knew and wanted to work with it. Validated me.

My suggestion to you try not to label your feelings as love, friendship......mother ......father.... Let them decide what it all means. Its an attachment.

Maybe what you call falling in love might be something totally opposite or have deeper meaning. Rest assured your therapist will help you to not feel embarassed. Let him know. Let him know everything......... again I would suggest to stick to the feelings rather than trying to label them

I'd be curious to see how you do

Wiz

Pippi,

I told my T in a letter. In some ways, it might have been easier, because it was she and I are female, and it had to do with the mothering stuff. But, I couldn't have done it if I hadn't written it.

Good luck to you!

Keep us posted!

catgirl

Thank you to everyone who answered! This was for sure very helpful. I am actually kind of looking forward to "getting it all out" now. I think I will try writing a letter and taking it with me so that I have it there if I need it. I will try to bring the subject up without using the letter but at least if I cant then it will be there. I see him next Wednesday at 4 pm so I have a week to get the letter written. And I think it will help to that I set it up for the last appointment of the day. That way we can take all the time we need because he will not be in a hurry to get to the next patient. He usually isnt in a hurry because in the 10 years I have been seeing him last month was his first time for him to be on time. But this way I know that if it takes two hours then I have that long and I know he wont care.

I am pretty sure he knows everything I am feeling because I have discussed it some with my old highschool T and he said T's just know when their patients are dealing with transference, but that they usually wait until the patient brings it up so that the patient will actually be willing to deal with it. And I do think I am finally at that point after 10 years that I am ready to deal with it. Although I am still nervous and am still wondering if I really do want this transference to change and wondering what it will do to the relationship if it does change and if I will stop needing him like I do. I am really scared of not needing him any more because he has been the one constant in my life for the last 10 years. But its time to do it anyways. I guess I should add all that to the letter too.

quote:

Originally posted by pippi:
Although I am still nervous and am still wondering if I really do want this transference to change and wondering what it will do to the relationship if it does change and if I will stop needing him like I do. I am really scared of not needing him any more because he has been the one constant in my life for the last 10 years.

Pippi
OMG, I had/have the same exact feelings about this! I'm so glad to see that I'm not alone in this. My T is so good at meeting my needs, to the best of her ability given the limitations of the relationship. I don't want that to end. If I don't need her, then she'll stop meeting my needs, right? Because there aren't needs to meet. It's very scary to me. She was the first person to ever really put herself out there to meet my needs, and it feels good! I'm afraid of growing up and not needing her anymore. Then, there's the adult side of me that says, "Look at how much time, effort, and money you're putting into this therapy thing. You better work your a$$ off to continue to grow and develop. That's the goal here. Not for you to remain stuck in the child/infantile stage, but for you to grow up." It's such a conflict within me.

You're probably right about your T already knowing what's going on with you about transference. Mine certainly already knew before I said anything about it. You will feel better once you get it out in the open. It's like the white elephant in the room. Actually, that's what I said when I brought up the whole thing to my T. I said, "I need to talk about the white elephant."

Anyway, good luck to you.

catgirl

I talked to my T last night about how I feel that we don't have an authentic emotional connection. I told him I've been reading a lot of about transference and projection and that I've got the idea stuck in my head that I WILL NOT improve without a real, genuine transference with him. It's clear to both of us that I'm trying.

He said it sounded like a formula to him. That this thing will happen; I'll play a role and he'll play a role and it will lead directly to a cure. He then said this idea (or ideal, really) might be what's getting in the way of it actually happening, which makes some sense to me.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
I talked to my T last night about how I feel that we don't have an authentic emotional connection. I told him I've been reading a lot of about transference and projection and that I've got the idea stuck in my head that I WILL NOT improve without a real, genuine transference with him. It's clear to both of us that I'm trying.

Russ

Russ,

I have a couple of points to make. First of all, not everyone has to have a huge transference with their therapist for it to work. I have a friend, who actually referred my T to me that uses my T as well. She does not have transference issues with her at all. Yet, she has been able to dig up and rebuild her life through the work with this T, and become very bonded to this therapist through the process. It's just not her issue-the transference thing.

Another point is, you often seem to be pushing for something to happen. (Remember the anger?) When you try to force something, it usually won't happen the way that you want it to. You have to let go and let it happen the way it naturally happens.

Another point is that from previous posts, you seem to have some transference stuff going on. Maybe you're not in excruciating pain like some of us, but maybe that's okay. Maybe the excruciating pain will come as the relationship/transference deepens (then you'll say, "What was I thinking?! Wanting this transference thing!")

And my last point is, rather than focusing on transference, maybe you should focus on attachment, which is the underlying issue with transference, at least in my experience. Do you feel attached to your therapist. You say that you feel like you don't have an authentic emotional connection. Maybe you should focus on attaching and connecting, as opposed to transference. To do this, you have to trust and let go. You have to let things be and be authentic and be in the moment. What if you focused on these things instead? . . . Just a thought. (Am I trying to fix it? I hope not.)

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

What do you think?

Hey Russ- I think you already know this, but I wanted to throw it out there just in case. To me, the concern about the emotional connection or lack there of seems reflective of your childhood. I think you are transferring that worry of not being close to your T. Relaxing and experiencing something different with him just might be your key. I encourage you to let things happen if you can.

-CT

Catgirl

Its nice to know that Im not alone on that too. I thought I was just being crazy and was worried about how my P would act if I told him the truth about it. How he would react if I told him that I know its something we need to work on but that I am not sure if I really want it to change. I thought I was the only one who felt like this and figured if I told him the truth about almost feeling like I needed the transference that he would stop seeing me right away because I was just too screwed up. One of the things I worry about is if the transference changes things if I will continue to see him. I tried seeing a T several months ago and there was no transference and it did not last long. Which I hear it is normal for people with Borderline personality Disorder to move from therapist to therapist.

But this P is the one I have stuck with for 10 years and I know its because of the transference. I am worried about what I will do once it is resolved. Will I decide that because I dont need him that I should stop seeing him. I am worried about what will happen to me if I do make that decision. I almost feel like that because I have been having the transference for 10 years and havent talked about it yet that it would be better to just keep it that way.

Plus I would feel really stupid saying "hey, I feel like I am in love with you and know I should work on this but I dont think I really want the feelings to change." And when things are going really bad the feelings of being in love with him are somewhat comforting to me. And if I did not have the feelings for him I wouldnt call him when I needed him. I guess I am somewhat scared of change all together when it comes to me and my P. But at least I know I am not alone on these feelings.

Catgirl,

I think you're completely right. When you try to force something, it doesn't happen, at least not how it should happen. And you're also so right about the whole wanting a transference...be careful what you wish for, right? Exactly. My problem is that I have this idea stuck in my head that if I experience transference, it will relieve some of my symptoms. The idea is that I'd rather have a painful longing for my T and feel less fear and depression than the other way around. I know, this is probably WAY off base. I read the many stories of transference here and it sounds God-awful, but at the same time it seems like it would be an outlet of feelings that were never felt before, and I just assume that this would relieve other symptoms. Maybe it just creates more in some cases?

And yes, I do feel attached to my T on some level. I'm not even sure what level that is, but there's no question that there is an attachment of some kind. But again, you're right that I have to let go and just let the stuff happen however it happens. For some reason, this seems exceedingly difficult for me. But I will try.

Thanks for your two cents. They're worth much more than that.

CT,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, my frustration with the emotional connection is totally reflective of my childhood lack of connection with my parents, although back then, I repressed the frustration. This whole experience points to how messed up my ability to experience, express and process feelings got back then.

This book that I'm reading, "The Middle Passage" by James Hollis has the following quote that struck me:

"Robert Hopke, in Men's Dreams, Men's Healing, suggests that it takes a man about a year in therapy before he is able to internalize and be present to his actual feelings...a year to reach where women are usually able to begin."

Hmmm, I'm at 11 months.

Pippi, I'm sorry I've hijacked your thread. I have made every effort to be totally honest with my T...including about really horribly humiliating stuff. After the awfulness of laying it all out there uncensored, it feels pretty good. I hope your talk goes well. Please let us know how it goes.

Russ

Hi Pippi and in case I have not yet welcomed you to the Board... welcome

I haven't been around much lately... been working on some hard stuff of my own with my T and we had a really good session on Monday and I'm feeling better now.

I am one of those who has transference (and attachment) to my male T and I have told him about it. I didn't actually plan to tell him the way it happened but after some rocky sessions it all worked out really well. I started seeing him in January of last year and knew almost from the beginning that I was having strong loving feelings for him and at first struggled because I didn't understand the transference. I did some research and read In Session which helped a lot.

Then in August I wrote a poem about my therapy journey and I guess it sort of tipped him off to my feelings. I didn't mean for it to do that but once he had the idea I had to go with it and we needed to discuss it. I was terrified that he would terminate me and to make matters even more complicated... I was the first case of transference he ever had to deal with. Honestly, he is such a wonderful, caring T I can't believe I'm the first patient to fall in love with him but maybe I'm just the first who told him about it.

I wrote some things down to read to him and then we talked about it. I actually told him that I was going to have to start bringing peanuts to the session to feed the elephant in the room with us . That sort of broke the ice. I actually knew more about transference that he did and I lent him In Session. I was also scared that him knowing this would change our relationship and that he would go all cold and aloof on me or want to get rid of me. None of that happened although he got a bit defensive or maybe just scared. We got through that and have talked about the transference here and there. What has actually taken over from that is my attachment issues. He has become my attachment figure and my secure base and that seems to have over ridden the transference feelings as the stronger influence. And he has reassured me reapeatedly that he will not terminate me and it is my decision as to when to leave therapy. This has given me the freedom to do the work I need to with him.

I wish you the best and I think that your T may already know your feelings. My T said he knew before I told him. I feel so much better with this in the open. I hope it works out for you too.

TN

quote:

Originally posted by pippi:
Catgirl

Its nice to know that Im not alone on that too. I thought I was just being crazy and was worried about how my P would act if I told him the truth about it. How he would react if I told him that I know its something we need to work on but that I am not sure if I really want it to change. I thought I was the only one who felt like this and figured if I told him the truth about almost feeling like I needed the transference that he would stop seeing me right away because I was just too screwed up. One of the things I worry about is if the transference changes things if I will continue to see him. I tried seeing a T several months ago and there was no transference and it did not last long. Which I hear it is normal for people with Borderline personality Disorder to move from therapist to therapist.

But this P is the one I have stuck with for 10 years and I know its because of the transference. I am worried about what I will do once it is resolved. Will I decide that because I dont need him that I should stop seeing him. I am worried about what will happen to me if I do make that decision. I almost feel like that because I have been having the transference for 10 years and havent talked about it yet that it would be better to just keep it that way.

Plus I would feel really stupid saying "hey, I feel like I am in love with you and know I should work on this but I dont think I really want the feelings to change." And when things are going really bad the feelings of being in love with him are somewhat comforting to me. And if I did not have the feelings for him I wouldnt call him when I needed him. I guess I am somewhat scared of change all together when it comes to me and my P. But at least I know I am not alone on these feelings.

Gosh, girl, get out of my head! How do you know exactly what I'm thinking? It's like I'm listening to myself.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I was thinking I was crazy, too.


catgirl

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
Catgirl,
My problem is that I have this idea stuck in my head that if I experience transference, it will relieve some of my symptoms. The idea is that I'd rather have a painful longing for my T and feel less fear and depression than the other way around.

Russ

From my experience, having transference doesn't make other feelings go away. I've had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. They've worsened this past year, due to the many stressors in my life (death of my mom, separation, moving, loss of job, to name a few) and during this time, I was strongly attached/transferred to my T. Actually, the transference sometimes made the depression worse, I think. I wanted her so badly, but I couldn't have her, so I sank into a deeper depression.

I have recently started taking anti-depressants, because it was the only way I and my T felt I could get control over my life. (I was cycling through depression, feelings of overwhelmment (is that a word?), and anxiety and never could get my feet on the ground.) This has been the only thing that's helped with my depression and anxiety. My T is hoping that I will learn some skills and be able to function better and get off anti-depressants in 6 months to a year.

My point is, the transference doesn't make the feelings go away. In my experience, it worsened them. Probably, because the transference is a manifestation of other issues going on that are deeper that cause the depression and anxiety in the first place (does this make sense?).

Maybe the others have a different experience and can share that.

catgirl

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:
Catgirl,

My problem is that I have this idea stuck in my head that if I experience transference, it will relieve some of my symptoms. The idea is that I'd rather have a painful longing for my T and feel less fear and depression than the other way around.
Russ

Russ,

From my experience, it doesn't happen this way. In fact, for me, the transference has deepened my anxiety and depression, because I want my therapist so badly and I can't have her, and I get so depressed and anxious about that. Also, transference is a manifestation of a much deeper issue that is more likely the root cause of my depression and anxiety. So, when I feel the feelings of transference, the depression and anxiety are stronger, because I'm in touch with my deeper issues of abandonment.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety forever. This past year, I have faced many challenges (death of my mother, separation from husband, moving, loss of job, to name a few), and I've been unable to get my feet on the ground. With agreement from my T, I recently started anti-depressants. My T hopes that I will be able to get my feet on the ground and learn some skills to help me to function better so that I can successfully get off of the meds in 6-12 months. The meds are the only thing that have helped to quell my almost constant depression and anxiety. I went to almost 2 years of therapy before even considering starting them; they were a last resort. But, for the first time in my life, I'm relatively free from depression and anxiety!

Anyway, from my experience, transference doesn't lessen these feelings. Maybe other people have a different answer for you. But that's my experience.

catgirl

okay, that was weird. It said that I had a duplicate post, and it didn't post, and my post disappeared, so I wrote it again (better the second time, I might add) and lo and behold, there's the first one. Oh well. Sorry if you read my post twice.

Catgirl,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm afraid I'll have to try the AD route again. Problem is, I've tried about half a dozen different ones and they only make me more agitated and mess up my sleep even worse.

Also, fear and anxiety is my main symptom, while depression seems to be a result of that, as opposed to being the primary symptom, so that complicates things further. In other words, on the rare day that I'm not anxious, no depression.

If there was a drug that helped the fear and resulting depression, while still allowing me to feel emotions, I'd take it today. But it seems like such a crapshoot to find the right one and one that actually works for me. This has made me pretty skeptical of ADs.

But I'm glad to hear they're working for you. I know they help a lot of people.

Russ

Transference means transfering or redirecting feeling that you have for one person and directing it to another. This all UNCONCIOUS. This is the theraputic relationship. Working with the transference involves the feelings of BOTH their therapist and client. Management of this is dependent on the therapist. Meaning the therapist decides to address it or not at the time, the direction to take clinically, interpretations .......... It is a give and take conversation/relationship. It is not a REAL relationship but a relationship that represents itself from within the past or present of the clients life. Sometimes ppl confuse it to be real .......... It might "feel" like relational love but it might be a representation of unmet needs in childhood???? or it feels like parental love but really is .......

What makes it a transference is that the therapist looks to his own feeling in reationship to what the client is experiencing. From that is can be determined as to what if any underying cause to hidden meaning into the clients concious or uncious. The transference is the relationship between the two working together. Its a partnership.

I'll stop here.....

Holly,

I cant really give you a good answer on that. But I am having the talking with my P this afternoon at 4 pm. I wrote a letter as a back up plan but I want to go in there and just be brave enough to say it. I am so nervous about this session. But even with being so nervous and scared about what will happen, because of the transference I can not wait to get in there and see him. I am just hoping I can do this with out getting to scared and chickening out.

Good luck with your P.

quote:

Originally posted by HollyBaby0:
I'm so lame!!!


Holly

Holly,

I don't think you're at all lame. It's a very confusing thing to have happen, this transference thing. It doesn't come from a place inside of you that you can just be like, "Oh, okay, A + B = C. I get it now." It's confused and wrapped up with so many experiences that you might not even remember. It's out of your control. These huge emotions just sort of happen to you, and you can't do anything about it. It's a really hard thing to deal with.

If you really want your therapist to read a letter, bring in a letter. What if she said, "I don't want to read something from you, I want you to tell me." and you said, "I can't. It's too hard. I need you to read the letter." Then what? She'd probably read the letter. It might be hard for you, because, like most of us, you probably want to please her. But, if that's how you need to do it, then push for what you need.

Another option is for you to read the letter to her. That's what I did. I wrote a 10 page letter that described how everything led up to this transference that I have, and then described the transference. It was hard to read it, but it was good for me to do. My therapist was glad and thought that it was very brave of me.

This is your journey. Listen to yourself and do it the way that you need to do it.

Keep us posted.

catgirl

quote:

Originally posted by pippi:
Holly,

I cant really give you a good answer on that. But I am having the talking with my P this afternoon at 4 pm. I wrote a letter as a back up plan but I want to go in there and just be brave enough to say it. I am so nervous about this session. But even with being so nervous and scared about what will happen, because of the transference I can not wait to get in there and see him. I am just hoping I can do this with out getting to scared and chickening out.

Good luck with your P.

Pippi,

That's huge! Good luck to you today!

Hey holly

Your T sounds like mine. She can be stern too. Her and I had a bump in the road recently. I was very frightened to go into session, but I did and it turned out very well. I was starting to see my T as more of a mentor than a T. I am going into the forensic psychology field which she knows a lot about. We set boundaries and she said maybe later down the road in my career, her and I can work something out. My T is also older 57 I think. I had a lot of stress on me and I sent her a fax and blew up at her. We worked through that except there was one thing I did not tell her. I sent her another fax Wednesday because for some reason I had a sexual fantasie about her so I told her. The bump in the road we had opened up a lot of things and dismissed a lot of my fears I had about talking to her. With her help, I am not afraid to tell her anything now. I know she will help me. My point is I know it is hard but stay with it. I pointed out to my T that she is very stern, sometimes her tone of voice sounds like she is angry and I don't like it. She did not realize it and told me to point it out to her and just ask her are you mad at me. She knows I write better than I talk so I can send her a fax whenever I want. She has not responded yet but it is okay. I will go in this Wednesday and talk about the fantasie with her. I trust her now and I know she will help. I am also a lesbian but I am not afriad to tell her about the fantasie. The patient counselor relationship is a two way street. You need to tell your T if you feel she is being a hard ass and you do not like it. If you like to write impress that upon her. Mt T told me that she works for me and she can be felxible as well. She said she is not a god or someone to be put on a pedistal or be frightened of. However she said we are human just like you. I use to be a police officer. I would not recomend driving by her home anymore. She can file a stalking report and you do not want the embarrassment. My T also told me that in her thirty plus years, she has only had two patients she had to refer. A male was stalking her. Gee I wonder if we have the same T. Hang in there. You will be okay.

Wow Holly! You're very brave.

Well, I saw my P on Wednesday afternoon. Things went pretty good. The worst part of the whole thing is that he was running late so I sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes just thinking and worrying about what was going to happen once I got back there.

I emailed him ahead of time and told him we needed to talk about transference when I came to see him but that I was probably going to be too scared to bring it up so he would need to start the conversation.

So when I walked he said "Are we going to talk about this transference issue or not." So I said yeah lets go for it. At first I didnt know what to say so he said to start out with telling him how I felt about him. I was so nervous but I finally just looked away, concentrated on a certain spot in the room and said "I feel like I am in love with you, I think about you all the time and I want to see you and talk to you all the time."

The conversation kind of went on from there. We talked about what love really is and what transference really is. We then talked about if there has been anyone else in my life that I have felt this way about.

He also told me that because I havent talked about this very much that he cant tell me exactly where it is coming from but that the more we talk about it the more he will be able to help me with it.

He also asked me if there was anything that is keeping me from wanting to give up the transference and if there would be anything worth giving up the transference. I told him I wasnt sure. He said that he understood that loosing the feelings of the transference would be really hard and would hurt because it has been a big part of my life and I would be loosing an important part of my life.

But then he described the relationship that we could have if we worked on the transference and that relationship seemed amazing. He did say that there could never be anything sexual between us and that he was a safe place to put those feelings and work through them and that as long as I am being honest he will continue to see me and work through it with me.

We didnt get into a lot of details about it because it was the first talk and I didnt have to tell him exactly what I was thinking because there will be many more talks to come. But he did tell me how he felt about me and that I am a very lovable person but that he has a hard time acting like he loves me or show how much he cares about me because he knew the transference was going on and I wasnt being honest. But the more we work on it the more he can show it. And even though we will never have a sexual relationship or be "in love" or be together for he said we could get to where we have a relationship that is more than I could ever imagine. And I could get to where I am his favorite patient again.

He also let me know that the reason he sometimes doesnt answer my phone calls or texts is because when I am not being honest about the transference he never knows if there is a real emergency or if I am acting out on the transference. And he wants to make sure that is not happening. So since I was being honest about everything else I decided to just be honest and tell him that most of the time I was acting out on the transference. And because I was so honest about that and everything else on Wednesday he can start trusting me more.

I am very happy that I did this even though it was the hardest thing I ever did. And I cant wait until the next appointment to talk more about it. And after out talk I feel more comfortable and safer talking to him and telling him everything. Its just the start but I am glad it is finally started.

Holly,

I know how you are feeling. Knowing that the P or T can stop seeing you any time they want is scary to deal. That was one of the main things I was scared about. Honestly, I had more reason than most people to think that he would stop seeing me. He did it once before. Right after I got out of high school I started acting out on the transference instead of dealing with it and I know that my P had no choice to stop seeing me even if that wasnt what he wanted. I was never dangerous or would threaten him but I did hang out in his neighborhood, I almost got into a fight with his wife when she confronted me one time while I was mowing a yard in their neighborhood. She accused me of going to her house which I had said I never stepped foot on my P's property, I wouldnt go there. At the time I didnt know I had been to her house because they lived a block away from each other. I basically stalked him but made sure he knew I was there for months before he gave up because I wasnt willing to work on it and talk about it. I even got his name tatooed on my leg and made sure he would see it.

Which I guess is part of the reason that I knew I had to start talking to him this time. I knew what happened when I didnt work on the transference and I didnt want that to happen. SO the only other way was to try working on it and trust him that he would do what was best for me and hope that it wouldnt be to stop seeing me.

Good luck with yours.

Hey Holly
I do not know if this will help, but like I said before, my T told me she works for me and is loyal to me and helping me. She tells me my therapy is about me not her. So try to remember Your T works for you and your therapy is about you not her. She is there to help you not hurt you. My T and I have recently set boundaries for both of us and it works great. If you like to write, then your T should respect that and allow you to do that. I do not send my T a fax everyday that would be overdoing it. When I send a fax she does not call unless I ask her to. That is an example of a boundary we have set because the last time she called her voice was stern, she seemed angry, I took it wrong, and thus the bump in the road. I too am a little nervous about seeing her Wednesday because of what I told her in the fax, but at the same time, I am not afraid of her. She is not on a pedestal, she is not god, and she will not hurt me. Even if she was uncomfortable and needed to refer me to someone else, I would walk away with my head held hi and not look back because I was honest and I have nothing to feel bad or ashamed of. I guess what I am trying to say is no matter what happens, hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. You were honest and you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about and you are not a horrible person. Please let me know how it goes.....

Let me clarify one more thing. What i meant by you are not a horrible person, is after I had a sexual fantasy about my T, I thought I was a this horrible person for thinking that. Trust I am not and neither are you.....

Tina,

It's not at all horrible to have sexual fantasies. It means you're human. We all have sexual fantasies, and more of us than would like to admit have them for people of both genders.

catgirl

Pippi,

You, too, are very brave.

I'm curious if this is the same P that you saw right after high school.

catgirl

yes he is actually. I started seeing him when I was about 15 years old. So we have a very long history. I probably would have started acting out before I got out of high school but my parents would have put a stop to it. Once I moved out of the house they had no control of what I did so I could do all the wrong things.

My P stopped seeing me for a couple of years and at first would only talk to me on the phone until I could get a new doctor which I never did. Then I convinced him that every six months to a year I could come see him to see if I had really improved enough to see him again.

About the third year I hadnt talked to him in almost a year, I was married with a daughter, and lived four hours away from him. I got really depressed and was going to kill myself and told my husband while he was at work three hours from home. He convinced me to call my P even though I hadnt talked to him in a year.

I did it and he still responded like his old self and really cared and wanted to help. I was surprised to get the call back since I called on the emergency line and he knew it was me. And I have been seeing him every since then.

The difference is now he knows that I cant act out the way I did before. I wont do that to my husband. He knows about the transference but understands and is very supportive. And I have two kids I cant risk loosing... so there is no stalking this time around. Only phone calls, texts and emails.... which I am working on that part.

Its not at all bad to have the sexual fantasies for you T whether they are male or female. Everyone has them. I think about having sex with my P all the time. I havent told him that yet but I am sure he knows and it will come up some time. But I do have a T that I have also been working through transference with through email, and I told him everything I think about. Its easier to be honest through email when you dont have to see their face when they hear what you are saying. My T tells me all the time that it is normal. And that most people have sexual fantasies about people they cant have because its safer for it to happen that way. I think I would have them whether I could be with my P or T or not. Its just a part of life. And I do often feel bad about it because I am married but its something I know isnt really that bad and that I just have to work on it and be honest about it with my P and T. The more honest I am the less intense the feelings are and the less the fantasies happen.