Jill,
I don't think you necessarily owe her more than that. If you don't feel comfy going in then don't. You explained yourself. If she is that thin skinned then she has issues she needs to work on.
Liese, I'm sorry I didn't read this sooner and realize you were in such a bad place. I hope things improve soon.
well, no response. she always HAD returned emails that day. i guess i really made her mad. i don't think honesty is the best policy. i, would rather have honesty. even though it hurts at times, as my imagination is worse than the truth, generally.
i don't know.
maybe i need to just turn it in, and be a recluse. or, maybe my hunches were right.
to me, it would seem that if you care about a person, have been their therapist for six months, and it ends due to transference issues, and the person is nice to you, that one would respond in kind to them and say the right things.
do i expect more from humanity than i should?
or, was i right about her heartfelt empathy?
i guess my feelings are hurt. i bend over backwards, i thought, to tell her it was me, and transference.
really people, I CAN HANDLE IT...am i just blind??
geez, as much as i might be hurt, were i her, i would respond...
"jill, i received your email, and am so sorry to not be able to help you. i understand the matters you expressed, and i appreciate your honesty. i know it was hard for you. i can understand if you feel more comfortable with a man. these things happen. but, jill, don't concern yourself with my feelings. you handled this considerately, and i would rather know what happened than to just never see you again. i wish you all the best, and my door is always open should you want to return. all the best, dbt gal."
regardless of her feelings, i would think that type of a response would be profession, humane, and appropriate.
i just don't get people.
i don't.
and i don't expect i ever will.
i could get really hurt about this. but, my self-numbing will take over.
really friends, am i totally off base????
jill
i don't know.
maybe i need to just turn it in, and be a recluse. or, maybe my hunches were right.
to me, it would seem that if you care about a person, have been their therapist for six months, and it ends due to transference issues, and the person is nice to you, that one would respond in kind to them and say the right things.
do i expect more from humanity than i should?
or, was i right about her heartfelt empathy?
i guess my feelings are hurt. i bend over backwards, i thought, to tell her it was me, and transference.
really people, I CAN HANDLE IT...am i just blind??
geez, as much as i might be hurt, were i her, i would respond...
"jill, i received your email, and am so sorry to not be able to help you. i understand the matters you expressed, and i appreciate your honesty. i know it was hard for you. i can understand if you feel more comfortable with a man. these things happen. but, jill, don't concern yourself with my feelings. you handled this considerately, and i would rather know what happened than to just never see you again. i wish you all the best, and my door is always open should you want to return. all the best, dbt gal."
regardless of her feelings, i would think that type of a response would be profession, humane, and appropriate.
i just don't get people.
i don't.
and i don't expect i ever will.
i could get really hurt about this. but, my self-numbing will take over.
really friends, am i totally off base????
jill
I do not think you need to worry about her feelings. I think that is why you pay them and they have the responsibility to get supervision or their own therapy or whatever. I also do not think either of your email messages (if recalling correctly you sent two and she responded to the first one) was mean or inconsiderate. However, perhaps she may believe she left the door open to you in her response to the first email and she may not want to seem like she is insisting or trying to talk you into coming to see her, even if one last time, because it is your choice and she is respecting your choice. Or perhaps she wants to give it a day before responding.
I can certainly see how responding to your second email in some fashion would be considerate on her part and I would certainly want to have some response if I were you, so I am not saying you are off in wanting a response, just trying to give a different perspective.
I can certainly see how responding to your second email in some fashion would be considerate on her part and I would certainly want to have some response if I were you, so I am not saying you are off in wanting a response, just trying to give a different perspective.
Jill,
There are any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you that she hasn't responded yet. Perhaps she had a doctor appointment and left early. Perhaps she wasn't feeling well and left early. Maybe she was booked solid and was tired and went home and thought she would respond tomorrow when she feels fresher after a good night's sleep. You didn't do anything wrong and her response or lack or response doesn't reflect on you.
There are any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you that she hasn't responded yet. Perhaps she had a doctor appointment and left early. Perhaps she wasn't feeling well and left early. Maybe she was booked solid and was tired and went home and thought she would respond tomorrow when she feels fresher after a good night's sleep. You didn't do anything wrong and her response or lack or response doesn't reflect on you.
I think she probably just wants some time to process her feelings before she responds so that when she does, it is about you and your needs and not about hers. I doubt she is mad. You were respectful and polite and didn't place blame on her in your email. You simply told her what your reasons for quitting are and there is no reason for her to be mad about that.
quote:Dear dbt gal,
i know it is 'chicken', but, i would just cry if i talked to you. and yes, i want to avoid that.
please call me if you want to and we can talk. i just think i have a bad 'female/authority figure' transference that i can't lick. i feel threatened, hated, criticized, afraid and ashamed. mom and sister issues, that i thought i could work through.
i don't think i can, right now.
i am going to try another route. with a psychiatrist/analyst that i have had a consult and a number of meetings with. i think i do better with men.
i really don't want to hurt you. it is me, not you. i don't know what else to do but be honest with you. and i don't want you to be worried about me.
at some point i may try again...put 'face to face' interpersonal skills on the top of the agenda, if and when!!
do call me or i can come in, if you want. now that i got that out of the way, maybe i can talk??
Smiler
your most skittish client, jill
Dear Jill,
I think your email was just fine - clear, respectful and direct in its intentions. STRM is correct in all the reasons you may not have received an email back, but I also think that if you don't receive one at all, it may not be for the reasons you seem to think: that you've done something wrong and have hurt her.
You invited her to contact you if *she* wanted. But therapy is, was, has to be and should always be about *you*, not her. And for you, you have made the choice to stop seeing her, which you are allowed to make, and you also made the choice not to have a closing session, which you are allowed to make, and you explained that, which she may well accept and respect. You have not indicated that you wanted contact for you - just if *she* wants. I can see how it would actually be appropriate and professional for her to not contact you further at this point, but simply to allow you the freedom of your decision, without letting it be about her in any way.
Hugs for you in your brave, strong decision,
Jones
Good points, Jones. I hadn't even thought about it like that but I think you might be on to something with your theory about why she didn't reply.
Very good point Jones, I completely agree!
stoppers. thanks. yes, i guess 'wanting' and 'expecting' are two different things. i guess she is handling it professionally. i dunno. ya just, or I just guess there is a part of me that is a five year old telling mom i am running away, and, i expect she would follow me, or insist i don't, or SOMETHING. i guess i went so overboard, in reading it now, about her feelings. that i expect she would recipricate with excess worry about mine. thanks for the perspective.
strm. boy. strm. clear and to the point. yes, you are right!! i don't consider those options. strm, you may not know it, but, you sound really well put together my friend. you got it, girl. thanks. as pa says, i always put myself in the middle of any issue and SOMEHOW think it is my fault. thanks for the other options of what happened.
LG. that could be true. i just don't know how other people think. i have to ask myself, WAS i trying to hurt her...like she hurt me by not being who i needed her to be?? ...this unconscious pa stuff makes me ask? i am sure 'breaking up with her' FIRST, as opposed to her 'giving up on me'...is some issue. but, i hope, i think, i just chose not to continue. and really, in my heart of hearts, i don't want to hurt her or make her worry. boy, i read TOO MUCH into everything. thank you for simplifying things.
jones. you are right. i did NOT indicate i wanted contact. in fact, i said i would cry if i talked to her, which is right. so really, i basically told her NOT to contact me, and it would be only for her needs, not mine. i guess the part of my that is still 'looking back' is the part of me that is like a child running away, and wondering if mommy notices/cares. but, this IS a big girl, i am NOT five. i gotta soothe that inner child myself. thanks, jones, for pointing out this to me. i hate to admit, but, sometimes when the adult in me speaks for the child, the child has a hidden agenda, then feels hurt.
i told pa, that it is like in any 'transaction' with another person, i, in effect, hand them the infant in me, and expect them to take care of that, and INEVITABLY, they DROP IT!
i think this is some of what i am doing here. saying one thing, but secretly, wanting another....(mommy to care and love me and come after me, pleading!!)
oh, yuk. it is so yucky to see this of yourself. blah! jill, c'mon!!
all, thanks. it does hurt, the ending. even tho i want it, and know this two therapist thing had to change at some point. i guess, a part of my wonders if dbt is THE ONLY answer to bpd traits...
but, if the relationship with the t is not 'right', i just can't force feed the information of dbt. i TRIED!!
oh, the obsessive aspects of my personality are raising their ugly head.
thanks, friends. i needed you. i feel better.
xxoo, jill
strm. boy. strm. clear and to the point. yes, you are right!! i don't consider those options. strm, you may not know it, but, you sound really well put together my friend. you got it, girl. thanks. as pa says, i always put myself in the middle of any issue and SOMEHOW think it is my fault. thanks for the other options of what happened.
LG. that could be true. i just don't know how other people think. i have to ask myself, WAS i trying to hurt her...like she hurt me by not being who i needed her to be?? ...this unconscious pa stuff makes me ask? i am sure 'breaking up with her' FIRST, as opposed to her 'giving up on me'...is some issue. but, i hope, i think, i just chose not to continue. and really, in my heart of hearts, i don't want to hurt her or make her worry. boy, i read TOO MUCH into everything. thank you for simplifying things.
jones. you are right. i did NOT indicate i wanted contact. in fact, i said i would cry if i talked to her, which is right. so really, i basically told her NOT to contact me, and it would be only for her needs, not mine. i guess the part of my that is still 'looking back' is the part of me that is like a child running away, and wondering if mommy notices/cares. but, this IS a big girl, i am NOT five. i gotta soothe that inner child myself. thanks, jones, for pointing out this to me. i hate to admit, but, sometimes when the adult in me speaks for the child, the child has a hidden agenda, then feels hurt.
i told pa, that it is like in any 'transaction' with another person, i, in effect, hand them the infant in me, and expect them to take care of that, and INEVITABLY, they DROP IT!
i think this is some of what i am doing here. saying one thing, but secretly, wanting another....(mommy to care and love me and come after me, pleading!!)
oh, yuk. it is so yucky to see this of yourself. blah! jill, c'mon!!
all, thanks. it does hurt, the ending. even tho i want it, and know this two therapist thing had to change at some point. i guess, a part of my wonders if dbt is THE ONLY answer to bpd traits...
but, if the relationship with the t is not 'right', i just can't force feed the information of dbt. i TRIED!!
oh, the obsessive aspects of my personality are raising their ugly head.
thanks, friends. i needed you. i feel better.
xxoo, jill
Jill,
It sounds to me like even though terminating is what you need, you also need closure which you didn't get because of the manner in which you terminated. I really think you should call DBT and tell her straight forward that you would like one last meeting, that you do still want to terminate, but that you don't things left unresolved and you would like some closure. There is no shame in admitting this to her and I think you both will be left feeling better about things with a proper termination.
It sounds to me like even though terminating is what you need, you also need closure which you didn't get because of the manner in which you terminated. I really think you should call DBT and tell her straight forward that you would like one last meeting, that you do still want to terminate, but that you don't things left unresolved and you would like some closure. There is no shame in admitting this to her and I think you both will be left feeling better about things with a proper termination.
hey jill,
not sure what to say. LG has made some good points. on the other hand, i struggle all the time making decisions and sometimes we just have to move on. Good luck on this one. I thought your email was fine. It wasn't mean at all.
xoxo
Liese
not sure what to say. LG has made some good points. on the other hand, i struggle all the time making decisions and sometimes we just have to move on. Good luck on this one. I thought your email was fine. It wasn't mean at all.
xoxo
Liese
lg, good idea. i tell you, i have pndered that. details later, but thanks for this insight. liese. i think this is where i have landed. and probably will stay.
update. as things have a way of going with me, this was the first iffy session with dr. pa. he talked too much. and, dbt gal left a really kind message on my phone and said all the right things, as if she had read what i needed to hear.
i am going to try not to get worked up about this either way, and just chill a bit. i probably was expecting too much from pa, as i feel he is my one and only, as i 'blew' it with dbt. but, dbt gal left a very kind message saying she understood, door is always open, good luck with it...all the right things in a warm tone.
so, just a warning to anyone looking at doing two t's in non-complementary roles...WATCH OUT!!
they can BOTH be good and bad in some ways. i guess maybe the lesson here, is, no one is perfect, nor are they all bad. oh, jill. how many times before you learn this lesson!!
practice makes perfect??
well. anyway.
i can always go back to her if i want. and, she doesn't get 'mean' on me if i am 'bad'.
so, thanks all for your input.
oh, what a tangled web we weave....
although i wasn't trying to deceive anyone.
peace to everyone! jill
update. as things have a way of going with me, this was the first iffy session with dr. pa. he talked too much. and, dbt gal left a really kind message on my phone and said all the right things, as if she had read what i needed to hear.
i am going to try not to get worked up about this either way, and just chill a bit. i probably was expecting too much from pa, as i feel he is my one and only, as i 'blew' it with dbt. but, dbt gal left a very kind message saying she understood, door is always open, good luck with it...all the right things in a warm tone.
so, just a warning to anyone looking at doing two t's in non-complementary roles...WATCH OUT!!
they can BOTH be good and bad in some ways. i guess maybe the lesson here, is, no one is perfect, nor are they all bad. oh, jill. how many times before you learn this lesson!!
practice makes perfect??
well. anyway.
i can always go back to her if i want. and, she doesn't get 'mean' on me if i am 'bad'.
so, thanks all for your input.
oh, what a tangled web we weave....
although i wasn't trying to deceive anyone.
peace to everyone! jill
jill,
So now you're not sure you're staying with pa??? A little confused. I know what you mean about feeling a little deceptive because I've never been the two-timing sort myself. Have another appointment with T2 coming up and feeling a little guilty as if I'm cheating on current T. T2 knows about current T. Current T doesn't know about T2.
So now you're not sure you're staying with pa??? A little confused. I know what you mean about feeling a little deceptive because I've never been the two-timing sort myself. Have another appointment with T2 coming up and feeling a little guilty as if I'm cheating on current T. T2 knows about current T. Current T doesn't know about T2.
liese. no, i am staying with pa for now. it may have just been an off day. i wasn't too deep in there, and maybe he played off that. i have just been so confused.
for now, i am there. i am going to try to not debate this anymore in my head. trying to just travel down one road for awhile. clear my head. he is easy to be with, relax. she/dbt was just too stressful. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to feel like hell going in there and coming out. i can't anymore.
be it transference, or whatever.
i am sticking to pa, for several months. dropping this dilemma, and know in the back of my mind she will be there if i need, and, just trying to live my life without such a mortal grip on THERAPY.
wish me luck!!
but, i will say. her message was sweet, sincere, mature, helpful. she was good. so, nice note to end on, for now, and we'll just see where the road travels.
thanks for your support, sorry for the confusion. you know, i didn't feel too guilty about the t1 t2 bit, so i hear what you are saying. i guess i 'denied' it. my favorite defense. i am sure this is nothing new to them. so, i would ease the guilt and just try to focus on YOU, and what seems to help you the best. you know? you aren't breaking a law. and sadly, we all know....they see, and care about other patients...although they don't bring THAT up with us.
ok, another defense is rationalization...
good luck!! jill
for now, i am there. i am going to try to not debate this anymore in my head. trying to just travel down one road for awhile. clear my head. he is easy to be with, relax. she/dbt was just too stressful. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to feel like hell going in there and coming out. i can't anymore.
be it transference, or whatever.
i am sticking to pa, for several months. dropping this dilemma, and know in the back of my mind she will be there if i need, and, just trying to live my life without such a mortal grip on THERAPY.
wish me luck!!
but, i will say. her message was sweet, sincere, mature, helpful. she was good. so, nice note to end on, for now, and we'll just see where the road travels.
thanks for your support, sorry for the confusion. you know, i didn't feel too guilty about the t1 t2 bit, so i hear what you are saying. i guess i 'denied' it. my favorite defense. i am sure this is nothing new to them. so, i would ease the guilt and just try to focus on YOU, and what seems to help you the best. you know? you aren't breaking a law. and sadly, we all know....they see, and care about other patients...although they don't bring THAT up with us.
ok, another defense is rationalization...
good luck!! jill
Glad you made a decision and you feel good about it. Nice to end on nice terms with dbt gal. That way the door is always open if you need her. We don't always know what road to take. You gave it a lot of thought. it doesn't seem like you can go wrong with pa. no reason to regret. no looking back.
What you said about pa's views on trauma is the same view basically my current T said. No need to relive it. Just go over it from the eyes of an adult and reframe it and stop blaming ourselves for things, right?
What you said about pa's views on trauma is the same view basically my current T said. No need to relive it. Just go over it from the eyes of an adult and reframe it and stop blaming ourselves for things, right?
thanks, liese. i do find i approach life often through the rear view mirror. so thanks for the reminder to not lok back. i will do my best.
i do feel good having nice words from her, and not worrying about having been mean. boy, i am much too old to worry about playground stuff like that. not that kindness is not a virtue.
glad to have some concurrance with the trauma stuff. he just said it is not magic. i hate to say, so much in life i have unconsciuosly thought was magic. y'no? i can't even believe the things i am letting go of. one, being, 'being popular' ... geez, i have let that rule me. the notion that i should be likeable to everyone, and if i wasn't, that something was wrong with me. perhaps that should be a new thread, things we have learned in therapy. i think i'll do that, maybe save some of us so hard learning. some resistant things we need to embrace.
so, liese, i am looking forward. smile in my thoughts towards her. each day at a time.
good luck to you, too, in this t1 t2 shuffle. there are definite advantages and disadvantages, but each one of us needs to maybe trust our gut, and make that decision in illuminated self interest, rather than guilt-avoidance.
xxoo jill
i do feel good having nice words from her, and not worrying about having been mean. boy, i am much too old to worry about playground stuff like that. not that kindness is not a virtue.
glad to have some concurrance with the trauma stuff. he just said it is not magic. i hate to say, so much in life i have unconsciuosly thought was magic. y'no? i can't even believe the things i am letting go of. one, being, 'being popular' ... geez, i have let that rule me. the notion that i should be likeable to everyone, and if i wasn't, that something was wrong with me. perhaps that should be a new thread, things we have learned in therapy. i think i'll do that, maybe save some of us so hard learning. some resistant things we need to embrace.
so, liese, i am looking forward. smile in my thoughts towards her. each day at a time.
good luck to you, too, in this t1 t2 shuffle. there are definite advantages and disadvantages, but each one of us needs to maybe trust our gut, and make that decision in illuminated self interest, rather than guilt-avoidance.
xxoo jill
uv. yes, i know. i have been ripping her up one side and down another. it is pitiful. so, it figures that today they were opposite-ish.
i do value men, in authority roles. more than women. i don't know, how do i work through this with him? i think that was some of my distraction. and too, i know i am afraid to lose him by telling him this, that i have been two timing...geez, i hate how i can give advice i don't take. sorry liese.
i don't know, i feel like i am such a mess.
i don't know that i made the right call. i just know it was so traumatic wtih her. i felt so low, so bad. so worthless. just awful awful awful with her.
awful.
i couldn't take it anymore.
i needed someone who i felt liked me.
uv, i AM such a mess, you are right, i was doing the triangle thing. i don't know how to work through this with him, 'hey bud, i've been seeing another t and ...we broke up...and i'm really feeling odd.'
y'no, i'll throw mama under the bus before i'll lose my dadddy.
which came first, the mama under the bus, or the oedipal complex..
i feel like a hopeless case,
and, i don't enjoy much anymore.
depression.
what gives??
not a life shattering depression, just a dull, dull ache.
your quote:
'You've got some good defenses going for you..which helps your ego strength..which leads to favorable outcomes in the type of therapy you are in. etc'
i don't know what you mean. i feel my ego strength is nil. what do you think pa requires of one?? dbt gal did say if i need to have her help me with 'emotional regulation' stuff as i am processing with the analyst, that she would be happy to help me.
does pa NOT have a reputation of being 'gentle'?? it sure seems it to me.
i hope i made the right call. i just couldn't take the hell i went through in there with her anymore. i was getting worse. deep depression before and for days after, finally about monday, before a wednesday appt, i would get better, then tuesday the dread began, and the plague would last through the weekend.
trauma therapy HURTS. i HATE it.
i don't have a clue what i need, and they don't do labotomies anymore. darn.
i appreciate your insight, uv...sorry to be a drain.
jill
i do value men, in authority roles. more than women. i don't know, how do i work through this with him? i think that was some of my distraction. and too, i know i am afraid to lose him by telling him this, that i have been two timing...geez, i hate how i can give advice i don't take. sorry liese.
i don't know, i feel like i am such a mess.
i don't know that i made the right call. i just know it was so traumatic wtih her. i felt so low, so bad. so worthless. just awful awful awful with her.
awful.
i couldn't take it anymore.
i needed someone who i felt liked me.
uv, i AM such a mess, you are right, i was doing the triangle thing. i don't know how to work through this with him, 'hey bud, i've been seeing another t and ...we broke up...and i'm really feeling odd.'
y'no, i'll throw mama under the bus before i'll lose my dadddy.
which came first, the mama under the bus, or the oedipal complex..
i feel like a hopeless case,
and, i don't enjoy much anymore.
depression.
what gives??
not a life shattering depression, just a dull, dull ache.
your quote:
'You've got some good defenses going for you..which helps your ego strength..which leads to favorable outcomes in the type of therapy you are in. etc'
i don't know what you mean. i feel my ego strength is nil. what do you think pa requires of one?? dbt gal did say if i need to have her help me with 'emotional regulation' stuff as i am processing with the analyst, that she would be happy to help me.
does pa NOT have a reputation of being 'gentle'?? it sure seems it to me.
i hope i made the right call. i just couldn't take the hell i went through in there with her anymore. i was getting worse. deep depression before and for days after, finally about monday, before a wednesday appt, i would get better, then tuesday the dread began, and the plague would last through the weekend.
trauma therapy HURTS. i HATE it.
i don't have a clue what i need, and they don't do labotomies anymore. darn.
i appreciate your insight, uv...sorry to be a drain.
jill
someday we'll be able to go in and they will tinker with our brains and we'll come back out and be fine. no pain.
I kinda feel like you do about the man/woman thing. always had better relationships with men. had a better relationship with my father than my mother, with my brother than with my sister. was doing better with my male T than the last female T. Although, at the end of the day, I think the men in my life screwed me just as much as the women but they made me think I liked it!!!! Isn't that always the way?
It sounds awful, what you went through with dbt gal. funny that she would offer to help you with the emotional regulation stuff as you work through things with pa, but couldn't help you with it when you saw her.
sorry you are doubting your decision again. been there. know how it stinks. i'm not very good at saying goodbye to people.
I kinda feel like you do about the man/woman thing. always had better relationships with men. had a better relationship with my father than my mother, with my brother than with my sister. was doing better with my male T than the last female T. Although, at the end of the day, I think the men in my life screwed me just as much as the women but they made me think I liked it!!!! Isn't that always the way?
It sounds awful, what you went through with dbt gal. funny that she would offer to help you with the emotional regulation stuff as you work through things with pa, but couldn't help you with it when you saw her.
sorry you are doubting your decision again. been there. know how it stinks. i'm not very good at saying goodbye to people.
liese. reallly, i think i was a bit hard on dbt gal. call it transference? i don't know. but, i am so warmed by her message, and it really meant alot to me. i guess i saw in her, that, i could really get angry with her, and really, she held pretty steady. i won't forget that. nor her phone number. and maybe, i'll return someday. and that kindness, despite my ending it with her, really means alot. so...
men/women...i think i just VALUE men more, and i act more accepting as i feel more accepted.
i like what you said, uv, if you are there. i have really thought thru your words, and, i think i will talk to dr. pa. what have i got to lose?? y'no?? surely, he has heard worse. and i know i have never put myself in that type of position with him. surely he can stand. y'no?? but, you were right, this triangulation and transference was FIERCE! so, i need to fess up. i think he will also see how paralyzed with abandonment fears i was to have two t's.
y'all are wise people.
oh, i hate goodbye's too, liese. i am sure i would not be the first to 'formally' quit, and reject all dbt gal has to say, then be back on the couch weeks, months, later...like a 'runaway come home'. funny thing? i think she might just handle it well.
maybe she isn't mommy??
is he my long lost daddy??
reallly??? am i thinking fancifully??
jill
men/women...i think i just VALUE men more, and i act more accepting as i feel more accepted.
i like what you said, uv, if you are there. i have really thought thru your words, and, i think i will talk to dr. pa. what have i got to lose?? y'no?? surely, he has heard worse. and i know i have never put myself in that type of position with him. surely he can stand. y'no?? but, you were right, this triangulation and transference was FIERCE! so, i need to fess up. i think he will also see how paralyzed with abandonment fears i was to have two t's.
y'all are wise people.
oh, i hate goodbye's too, liese. i am sure i would not be the first to 'formally' quit, and reject all dbt gal has to say, then be back on the couch weeks, months, later...like a 'runaway come home'. funny thing? i think she might just handle it well.
maybe she isn't mommy??
is he my long lost daddy??
reallly??? am i thinking fancifully??
jill
uv, i have thought about what you said, the idealizing of him, the hatred of her. and, the absolute i felt of NOT talking to him about any of this.
wow, are you ever right on.
right now? i, for reasons i don't understand, have taken him off the pedestal. and, somehow, this millesecond, feel less needy. yes, i realize, that leaves no one out there that i am idealizing. but, maybe that is where i need to be. seeing that humans are human. multidimensional. he said early on that he may, at times, disappoint me. (i loved that).
anyway, i THINK i will 'confess'. don't quite know how i will approach it. i know he won't 'quake'. but i would think seeing another t is a bit insulting. i don't know. maybe not.
i WILL approach it as grist for the mill, as to why i feel a HATRED toward AND from authoritarian women. not really that my mom was that authoritarian. she was more squirmy and lacking in confidence, hysterical internally. uggg, so much like me.
anyway, thank you all for your honesty, liese, uv, strm, lg, jones, stoppers, tn, smiley, ag, starfish...
y'no, i need a good vulnerability test with dr. pa, and this confession surely will not destroy??? surely this will be productive grist?? surely he can handle this?? yeah???
jill
wow, are you ever right on.
right now? i, for reasons i don't understand, have taken him off the pedestal. and, somehow, this millesecond, feel less needy. yes, i realize, that leaves no one out there that i am idealizing. but, maybe that is where i need to be. seeing that humans are human. multidimensional. he said early on that he may, at times, disappoint me. (i loved that).
anyway, i THINK i will 'confess'. don't quite know how i will approach it. i know he won't 'quake'. but i would think seeing another t is a bit insulting. i don't know. maybe not.
i WILL approach it as grist for the mill, as to why i feel a HATRED toward AND from authoritarian women. not really that my mom was that authoritarian. she was more squirmy and lacking in confidence, hysterical internally. uggg, so much like me.
anyway, thank you all for your honesty, liese, uv, strm, lg, jones, stoppers, tn, smiley, ag, starfish...
y'no, i need a good vulnerability test with dr. pa, and this confession surely will not destroy??? surely this will be productive grist?? surely he can handle this?? yeah???
jill
Jill,
I've gone on consults before with my current T and told him afterwards because it actually was relevant to how I was feeling about him. He was totally fine with it. He doesn't know about my recent consulting bit and I don't know if I'll tell him. Since I have a consult set up for this week, I probably won't tell him until I resolve the problem. Anyway, the way I see it is that I'm allowed to have secrets!!!
But in your case, you and uv may have hit upon some insight there. Could be useful. And, he sounds like he'd be secure enough to handle it. Would you feel too vulnerable to share that with him?
I've gone on consults before with my current T and told him afterwards because it actually was relevant to how I was feeling about him. He was totally fine with it. He doesn't know about my recent consulting bit and I don't know if I'll tell him. Since I have a consult set up for this week, I probably won't tell him until I resolve the problem. Anyway, the way I see it is that I'm allowed to have secrets!!!
But in your case, you and uv may have hit upon some insight there. Could be useful. And, he sounds like he'd be secure enough to handle it. Would you feel too vulnerable to share that with him?
liese, i go back and forth. sometimes i feel like i just want a fight. to TEST things to see how strong they are, then, either i change my mind or unconsciously chicken out and rationalize that it really doesn't matter.
who knows. i am a mixed bag of nuts at times.
right NOW, five hours after my last reply!! i think no need. or if i do, put it in the past tense. or say...
'dr. pa, i really am debating about telling you something as i don't know how you would take it, but i do know that i would NEVER know how it effected you and whether or not you would act differently in time for having known this. (see how i can complicate stuff!) so, can you PROMISE me you won't get mad at me or slowly not like me anymore and wonder what else i am lying to you about??? (of course he will say, ok...or with him, maybe not) ok, then, dr. pa. back when i wasn't sure who i should see, i.....and now we are here, and i DUMPED her for you and now i feel the need to confess. and figure out why i hate women authority figures, you see, with her, in the masochistic way i am, i thought, if it HURT, it had to be good for me, well, it hurt too much, and i couldn't take it anymore. and you are nice to me and i wouldn't dare confront you, or any man, so, this works, but, only because i surrender passively to men. dr. pa...what the heck is my deal??? would you please be mean to me to see if i can stand up to you...but don't be real mean, it is just practicing, ok??'
ok, i would be awarded nutcase of the year for that, i am sure.
oh, poo-ey. yes, liese, i feel vulnerable. but THIS HOUR, i don't think i feel TOO VULNERABLE TO DISCUSS IT, but, that could change momentarily, depending on the wind. jill
who knows. i am a mixed bag of nuts at times.
right NOW, five hours after my last reply!! i think no need. or if i do, put it in the past tense. or say...
'dr. pa, i really am debating about telling you something as i don't know how you would take it, but i do know that i would NEVER know how it effected you and whether or not you would act differently in time for having known this. (see how i can complicate stuff!) so, can you PROMISE me you won't get mad at me or slowly not like me anymore and wonder what else i am lying to you about??? (of course he will say, ok...or with him, maybe not) ok, then, dr. pa. back when i wasn't sure who i should see, i.....and now we are here, and i DUMPED her for you and now i feel the need to confess. and figure out why i hate women authority figures, you see, with her, in the masochistic way i am, i thought, if it HURT, it had to be good for me, well, it hurt too much, and i couldn't take it anymore. and you are nice to me and i wouldn't dare confront you, or any man, so, this works, but, only because i surrender passively to men. dr. pa...what the heck is my deal??? would you please be mean to me to see if i can stand up to you...but don't be real mean, it is just practicing, ok??'
ok, i would be awarded nutcase of the year for that, i am sure.
oh, poo-ey. yes, liese, i feel vulnerable. but THIS HOUR, i don't think i feel TOO VULNERABLE TO DISCUSS IT, but, that could change momentarily, depending on the wind. jill
Oh aren't we all a mixed bag of nuts.
well maybe you need to go back in there and fight. Maybe that's okay. Maybe you are still working through all your defenses. I guess the defenses are like getting through a thicket, huh?
Hey, Jill, I never see it as lying. They have to earn our trust. They don't deserve to know everything about us. I don't think you should feel guilty about this Jill. You mightwant to understand it but feel guilty about it,no.
Also, if what played out is part ofyour pattern, then it will surely rear its head again so you probably don't have to worry about telling dr. pa.
and he will still like you regardless of what you choose to do.
well maybe you need to go back in there and fight. Maybe that's okay. Maybe you are still working through all your defenses. I guess the defenses are like getting through a thicket, huh?
Hey, Jill, I never see it as lying. They have to earn our trust. They don't deserve to know everything about us. I don't think you should feel guilty about this Jill. You mightwant to understand it but feel guilty about it,no.
Also, if what played out is part ofyour pattern, then it will surely rear its head again so you probably don't have to worry about telling dr. pa.
and he will still like you regardless of what you choose to do.