I spent the day with my sister yesterday, and I have to say it was nice to see her. I became aware of how much I really miss her and the kids. I wasn’t sure what to expect: Would we go deep? Would we cry? Would we bump into each other’s issues? Would we play catch up?... We mostly played catch up. But I am noticing that a lot of old feelings have surfaced for me. Ugh!

First, she showed me pictures of her adorable grandchildren. All 7 of them and let me tell you they are beautiful! I found myself longing and feeling sorry that we are not closer and that I am not closer to my nieces and nephews and all of their children. Not even so that they ever call or acknowledge me by sending me photographs or dropping me an email from time to time. I drew out necessary boundaries a very long time ago, but I never intended for them to become exaggerated to an exclusion from family ties. I have to say, that hurts and I wonder if I can somehow get across to them, that I care and I want to know how each of them are doing and I want pictures of their children. I am still their aunt and I love every one of them very much.

But here is what I try to avoid: My heart breaks when I see little children born into such chaos and addiction similar or even worse than what I grew up in. My sister and I stopped in briefly to see our brother’s 24 year old daughter yesterday who is getting over a drug addiction and a former life of an exotic dancer. She has a five year old son of whom my sister-in-law (her mother) has legal guardianship over, and now a two month old daughter. I held my helpless little grand niece in my arms and looked deeply into her eyes fearing that she is not getting the secure attachment she needs. My niece is trying and she has cleaned up her act a lot. I give her a lot of credit, but she is still a very selfish and hurtful person. That is just one example of why I stay away. It hurts too much and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change or help.

I used to try to help my sister when she lost her husband 23 years ago leaving her with three kids from the ages of 4-10 yrs. But she was bitter and angry and pushed every one away. She told the kids lies about me and while expecting me to drop whatever I was doing to be at her beck and call to babysit. She had the audacity to insist to her children “You don’t have to listen to Aunt___. She’s just here to watch over you.” I mean the woman seriously said this and more crap. The kids made sure I knew that loud and clear and when I confronted her about it she said, “Oh well!”

If I didn’t make myself available to her or loan her things like my vacuum cleaner or my car, she’d run to daddy and he would of course, butt in and tell me how horrible and selfish I am for not helping my sister and that she needed these things more than I did!” He didn’t mind that she usually didn’t return my things and often let her children break them. She smoked in my car despite my firm request that she not and her promise that she wouldn’t as a condition of the loan. When she returned it, it reeked of cigarette smoke though SHE denied it, but my sister-in-law confirmed that she was with her and her no account boyfriend and both smoked in my car and all my sister said was, “What that little b---- doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

My sister never ASKED to borrow anything, she demanded it. “I need to borrow your this, or your that.” And she would usually do so in front of dad. She had no regard for my belongings our entire life and taught her children not to either. One day our family was all gathered together at my brother’s house (more like a zoo). The kids were outside playing baseball and suddenly one of the kids came running inside calling my name and telling me that one of the kids hit the baseball through my back window of my car. Upon investigating the situation of course the little culprit (who seems to hate me to this day) said that he didn’t do it despite that 3 other kids said yes he did and he did it on purpose following his incriminating words, “Watch me hit Aunt ___’s car.” Before I knew it my sister said that the car window broke from heat combustion since it was so hot out and that made more sense then a group of unsupervised, reckless, young boys admittedly hitting the baseball next to the cars and sending one threw my back window. My other sister-in-law, whom I hatefully despise, (not the one I previously mentioned) said in her (make me puke) imitation angelic voice, “Yes, it must have been heat combustion. That happens all the time.” In TEXAS-maybe! But we live in Michigan, it was only 80 degrees or so outside, and my driver’s window was down. (Her unruly son also happened to be one of the culprits.) I was a poor single mom, with insurance that doesn’t cover window replacement and my wonderful family were denying responsibility to help pay for something I could not afford. From then on my two nephews, the devious cousins, would taunt me whenever they would see me saying, “It was heat combustion!” And run away laughing. My sister found this hilarious.

Oh you know there’s so much more I could say! SO many dark places I could re-visit, but I don’t like it there. The visit with my sister, as benign as it was, conjured up some old emotions that have never been reconciled. I can’t trust any of these people. THIS is my family. THAT is the way they are. Not me. So while my heart swells with the natural desire to have something with them, I have to remember that they are not capable of it. THEY are the ones who exaggerated the boundaries to fit into their own dysfunctional pattern. They are the ones who slam into the boundaries if you give them a chance.

Meanwhile I look at my husband, my daughter, and my two step sons-THEY are my family. We are ok. We have our problems and dysfunctions that come with broken homes and step-families, but we are working on it. Some day I hope my daughter and step sons will accept each other more as siblings and form some sort of bond with each other to solidify the whole familial scheme… I hope.