Hi True North,

i am kind of speachless- the whole story of yours and all the pain is so overwhelming, - but i am sure your attachment "skills" (bad choice of word maybe, lack of english- words here) NOT are destroyed for good, and that you will be able to cennect with another person again. You will IMO, and my gut-answer to this, is to stick with your new T, after all, its better to have one human therapist with errors, than none? I understand that you are so scared and fear that you wont be able to feel attached and attuned to a new shrink ever again after the horrible experience, but that fear-voice within you will fade away i think. I dont know TN, you are really the expert about this, and about what you feel, but as much as i can see, this new T sounds like a good-enough-T to help you re-build trust and a want to connect and attache again. I guess it will take some time, back and forth, redraws- and pulls, but hang in there!

My story, i doubt are the normal experience, as i developed a crush/attachment from the very beginning with my T. It was kind of extreeme, and overwhelming. Its very complicated, but i know also that my strong attachment (crush) was partly my defence- mecanism, and now, after almost 2 years, the relation is more "healthy" in that sense, that i am more myself in the session, less anxious and more natural attuned to my T, allowing myself to take in the good nurturing stuff. But it has taken time, this trust, and to learn what trust is, and to learn to accept myself and talk open and stop "acting" with my T, as i did the first time, allways watching myself from outside, and had panick attackes before every session. I been through massive splitting/idealization and very slowly the relation is getting more equal and "healthy". TN, this is my experience, and i doubt its worth much to you now... hope i`ll answered your question though..

Let us know how you cope, or not cope- and i hope some others here in forum have more relevant experiences..i think you are searching for parallell experiences, that will convince you to keep going to newT?

Hi TN,

I'm probably not a great person to respond to this, but here I am... I just want to start out saying that I completely understand (or, at least as much as I'm able) and respect how hard it is for you with your new T. After such a deep relationship with your old T and a traumatic ending, it seems only natural. But I do have to say that from everything you've posted about this new T, I do like him. And I know you recognize that he's a good T, but you still don't know if he's the right one for you.

Truthfully, I think that, with a lot of time and patience, you might recognize that maybe this new T is just what you need right now. Maybe the different things that he does that feel so painful and alien now will be essential in helping you differentiate the old from the new (in a manner of speaking). Just guessing, but I think that no matter what - whether this T operated in a right-brained way or not - you would still be in so much conflict thinking about what your old T would be doing in contrast. And maybe it would even be more painful if the new T did work in the right-brain, because he could do something warm and caring and then maybe you'd crave something more - something on top of what he's given you that you know your old T would have done. Who knows...maybe the stark difference will eventually turn out to be good. But I can hear how painful it is for you, and I'm sure that the overwhelming pain of it all must make it seem like it's almost impossible for this to ever be right.

Truthfully, I don't think I'm attached to my T. I really like her a lot and I know that I'd be hard pressed to find a T that works as well with me as she does, but I just don't think I'm attached. I'd be truly crushed and probably broken if things ended right now, but I don't feel as if I would die if she weren't my T anymore. Despite this, I think she is very, very attuned to me...as much as she can be. I frequently think (ok, I think about it all the time) that I have some inherent defect that keeps me from attaching to her and that I'll never be able to get where I want to go without that, so everything is just hopeless and helpless. But I've gradually come to believe that my T is attuned to me even though I don't feel the attunement myself.

Until about the 4th session, I was really thinking that I needed to keep looking for another T. I can't remember what it is that changed in that session or what made it feel like she was attuned to me (sorry), but I at least recognized that yes, she was listening to me. And that was enough for then. Most of the time, I think that's still where I am (we've been working together for about 7-8 months). I don't ever feel a connection with my T, even if we've physically touched. I'm often frustrated by this, although the prospect of feeling a connection seems very scary and intimidating.

My T does show warmth and care, but it seems like she's very gradually increased how much she shows. She was a little more open in the beginning, but then in about our 5th session or so I dissociated very significantly and continued to do so for the next several sessions. I kind of decided that it was from being scared that she was being too caring, and I think she figured that out, too. We haven't talked about it explicitly, though. But a few sessions after the one where I dissociated so badly, when I had this theory in mind, I started to pay attention to her wording when she'd react to things I said, and the caring was toned down and she seemed to approach it in more of a practical, logical sense. But even though I knew that I couldn't really handle and accept care from her, I still wanted it and found myself slightly disheartened that I wasn't getting it, even though I understood why.

TN, I'm sorry..I have no idea if any of that is remotely helpful. I'm just so, so sorry for all you've been through and all of the pain that you're dealing with.

TN...I hope my answers to your questions can be of help to you.

quote:

When I say attached I guess I can also clarify it further by asking... do you feel a strong attunement or connection in therapy with your T??

Then I'd like to know if you felt this immediately upon meeting them or in your first exploratory session with them? If not, did you ever establish this attunement down the line. Did you agree to work with them because of some other reason like the only female trauma T in your town or only male trauma T in the area or just ran out of other options for therapy etc. and then found there was a strong attachment that developed? How long did it take?

And are there those out there who feel like you get along with T but there is no strong pull or attachment in that you feel like they are hugely important to you and you would die if they ever banished you or left you?

I felt an attachment and warm feelings about my T from the first time we had a phone session. The feelings also, I must say, were somehow strangely associated with my fear of him. I don't knwowhy that is, but, the more afraid or distanced I am, the stronger feelings I seem to have towards the person. (???) Not sure what that means. My T is also very warm and gentle, so it is a contrast with what I feel/fear, I think.

As for connection, it is getting better and better. We connect more and more, lately, even he explained that concept, of connection, that it is sometimes better than others. He used to feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide, I never knew...now I realize it was me, not him, that he is always there and caring, but I do not always feel it, because small things seem clearly to point out a lack of care, for some reason. I think as I let him see more of me "in session" we become more attuned, and friendly.

I chose my T because he was the first T tha tpopped up on my search online, for a therapist with my faith, who has the same basic outlook, which was crucial for me since my issues are so often faith-based, much confusion and pain around that issue. And because, on his website, he is clearly not in favour of using medication for his clients. I won't say I wasn't warned by a couple of people close to me, not to engage in "phone counseling." But I think I love my T from the time I saw his website and his picture, and his beliefs. Something connected on a right-brain level, I guess, which would allow me to connect more emotionally, left-brain maybe? idk much about all of that.

Yes I have felt from very early on, that I would die without my T. It is amazing how much power what he does or doesn't do has over my every emotion and ability to function. It is scary. I'm thinking of a break, now, this has become so difficult for me to manage, and expensive, as I don't get much better, but still have mostly, "bad days" so the guilt, there too.

I hope this infor helps you a bit. I think it would be normal after such a traumatic ending with your beloved T, to not be able to attach to a new T. I think you can still do good work without the attachment...I think of SG, and the good work she is doing with her T after her painful termination. Of course her T is a female, which changes things quite. I would never feel level of attachment like that for a woman either, but, I once did a little bit work with a woman T which was good groundwork, I guess...many years ago. But no attachment, so I get that part.

Hm TN, I don't think this reply is helpful much, but, best I can do...

Please give yourself some slack, that it is ok not to attach to this newT. It is only natural, right now, and in time you will be able to see clearer, whether your ability to attach to a person has been permanently damaged or not. Give it time, before making such decisions about yourself, I would just, suggest.

much love,

BB

(((TN)))

I agree with others who have said that I don’t think you will ever have THAT good, attuned, attached relationship again but I think it is possible to have another good, attuned, attached relationship with someone else. I hope NewT turns out to be the right T to help you because you deserve it.

I’ve been seeing my T for 2.5 years. I definitely didn’t feel attached to my T at the beginning and I didn’t feel attuned or connected to him either. I didn’t expect to and I didn’t worry about it or its’ lack at the beginning because I was referred to him by my doctor. I thought he was smart, nice, and I knew he had experience. He represented the hope that things could improve in my life so I kept seeing him. At the beginning I didn’t have regular appointment and I didn’t even see him every week but when I called him really upset he tried to schedule an appt as soon as he had available. Eventually we set a regular appointment and last year I went to twice a week and after a few months of scheduling the second session at different times we set a second standard appointment time.

At the beginning (for the first 6-9 months), I didn’t quit therapy because even when I was upset, felt misunderstood, or thought he insulted me I still hoped he could help me but I wasn’t attached to him more like I was attached to the idea of therapy. I considered finding another T and even saw a different T at about the six month mark. Over time my attachment to him grew. Over time I was able to recognize the connection and attunement between us (at times but still not consistently). What helped was his slow and consistent listening to me and accepting my feelings especially when they were irrational and overwhelming. I’ve realized how strong my attachment to him is mainly over the last 4 months (a realization that has caused me quite a lot of stress I’m working through).

An example of how the attachment and attunement over has changed over the time I have been in therapy is how I’ve reacted to summer vacation. While I can email my T anytime he only emails me or return calls during his regular office hours so he is not available on evenings, weekends or vacations. My first summer I’d been seeing my T for 3 months and he gave me a different email address I could use to contact him if I needed to and I remember thinking “who would contact their T during his vacation? That’s crazy”, no attachment. Summer #2, my T went on vacation for a week didn’t say anything about contacting him and I thought I wish I could contact him, 2 weeks between sessions is a long time, I was attached. Summer #3, I was having a really hard time with everything in my life and when I went on my vacation I called him and had phone sessions. He reminded my I could email him at his “home email address” if I needed to. Shortly after I came back from my vacation he went on a week’s vacation (his second week of the summer) and he called me and had a phone session from his vacation. That is not his standard practise and I know he was willing to do it because he knew I needed it. Earlier in our relationship I don’t know if I would have let him know how much I was struggling and I’m not sure that I would have been able to accept and connect with him over the phone.

TN, I think you can develop a close, attuned, and attached relationship with a T even if you don’t feel that connection immediately because I know that is what I did. I think it requires work on both sides of the relationship and your NewT will have to be willing to hear and accept all your feelings of anger and distrust and blame. I hope that he is up to the challenge and you continue fighting to tell him your feelings.

TN,

I have had many T's in my life and most of them ended on a bad note. Mostly from things that I did. My T now is so different from the others. She has very firm boundries which sometimes drive me crazy. I have been seeing her for over 2 years now. Longest relationship I ever had with a T. I think I'm attached to her in a good way. We still have our battles but they never last very long. She is very consistent and that's what I need right now. Is she perfect? No way, but she is perfect for me. She sometimes makes mistakes and will take responsibility for them. I think it took me about 8 months before I let my guard down. I hope this helps.

PG

Wow I am deeply touched. You have all been so generous with your stories of attachment.

Frog... first of all it's nice to see you back and I'm glad that you enjoyed your vacation. I was like you with oldT. I attached to him very quickly and strongly. I think what you say about NewT being a "good-enough" T makes a lot of sense. Maybe for now all I need is someone good enough to be there to listen to me until I can see thngs clearly enough to know if I can attach or if things are not working with us. And yes I am searching for similar experiences so I have some reason to stay or go or change course. I am just unable to see anything clearly now. And your post was very helpful and very appreciated.

Kashley thank you for your post. You are correct in identifying that (cognitively) I understand that newT is a good T. He "fits" the qualifications I had in mind it's just the lack of "spark" or "limbic resonance" that I am missing. And maybe that just comes with more time. It could be that I connected with oldT so quickly because I did not have so much grief and pain blocking anything else I can feel. When I was sad and upset all my oldT had to do was to LOOK at me, look me in the eyes and I would immediately feel calm and cared for and safe. He just had this ability to look into my soul (or my right brain?) and this limbic resonance was very healing.

Kashley, I think crushed and broken if you lose your T qualifies as being attached at least to some degree. Do you think you resist acknowledging the feelings of attachment as being too dangerous? I'm almost thinking I'm crazy to want to attach to someone else after this last painful experience. But the feeling is quite addictive and I'm missing it horribly. Or maybe I'm just looking for oldT in everyone else and of course I will not find him. Thanks for helping me with this.

MacLove you are very wise for someone so young. You are so right that I am still in mourning for oldT and how could it be possible to be feeling attachment to someone else with all the deep grief I'm feeling. The grief leaves no space for anything else to exist now. I have a huge hole in my chest and miss my T so much that I cannot fathom having those same feelings for anyone else and maybe in time (a long time) I will allow someone else to be close to me again. Maybe I'm just trying to rush things too much and my limbic system is rebelling. I was especially interested to hear that you didn't even like your T at first and now seem to have such a good relationship. Maybe I need to be patient.

Beebs... wow I was just like you. I believe I attached to oldT on the telephone when I called him in such a panic about my son's problems and how my family was in chaos and I was so scared and my mom was dying and I felt so alone in the world. His voice was so calm and reassuring and I felt that he would be the one to help me. When I met him it was so funny because I thought to myself... gee I wish he were better looking After two weeks I thought he was the most beautiful person I have ever seen (aside from my gorgous son) and I felt so so blessed that I was able to spend time talking to him. I never took it for granted that I had the opportunity to be with him. I would sit there in appreciation of the gift I was given and made use of every moment.

And Beebs I get what your T is saying about him being the same but you changing your feelings and moving around in therapy. It is so important that the T stays still while you move around. One of the biggest issues I had with oldT is that he was inconsistent with me. Some days he was warm and open and accessible and other days he was closed and detached and defensive and I never knew who I would find in the chair. It was unsettling to say the least as I would have to adjust myself to him. I noticed a pattern when I would move closer to him he would move away in defense or fear. And yes it's that right brain connection that is so powerful to us. I know you are struggling right now in deciding to take a break or not. Being so attached makes this an impossible decision. I don't know if I could have made that choice I was so drawn to be with him as much as possible. Thank you Beebs for all your support and kind thoughts.

Incognito... I too didn't go into therapy with the idea of getting attached. I had no idea that would happen and when I felt it I had no idea what was happening to me. It was only through searching the internet and talking to others that I made sense out of the strong pull to be with him and how much I missed him in between sessions. I had the same feelings as you did regarding hope. My T was my hope for a better future. He made me believe it was possible. He told me he believed in me and knew I would get better and so I believed it. But now I don't have that naive, innocent hope. He destroyed that in me. Now I'm just trying to survive each day. The uncertain appointments and not being able to get an extra appointment is making me really crazy. I'm so desparate to talk to someone about the overwhelming feelings I'm having and the fear. The fear/panic is driving me to madness. I've seen new T 5 times so far and he says he is working on getting me a regular slot and more if he can.... but I don't know how he can do that....will he eject someone else for me? I don't want that to happen. It's the not knowing that is so hard and I need some kind of something to count on during this time when everything seems to have been made undependable. I have considerd finding another T to see me for awhile so I can do twice per week therapy.

Incognito hearing that you eventually developed the attachment is encouraging to me. I think I need to honestly talk to newT and tell him how I've been feeling about some of the things he has said that have made me despair of ever having a good connection with him.

DF I'm glad that you were able to see two very good Ts upon release from the hospital. I'm sorry it will be hard for you to give up dbt-T but you seem to have a very good attitude about things. There is a difference in being sad about the end of relationship and feeling like you could die at the loss of it. Maybe your case is a bit different because you knew the relationship would end predictably and there is opportunity to process the loss with your T. For me I am still in shock that this happened to me and I had no time to process the loss or have the chance to even say anything about it. It's like a nightmare to me still.

My attachment style is disorganized and it's difficult for me to deal with losing people as I have strong abandonment issues (and my T was fully aware of this) and that he did this to me is still unbelievable.

PG good to see you here. I'm sorry you had so many bad endings in therapy. You know I always used to tell old T... I know you are not perfect but you are perfect FOR ME and that is all I need you to be. I was well aware of his flaws but I was able to deal with them... unfortunately he could not. He lost faith in us and in himself. Thanks for your input.

Since newT seems to have a lot of good qualities on paper and since I'm too tired right now to look for another T I am going to give this more time. I am certainly still in deep grief and cannot make judgments right now. And new T is trying to get me some closure sessions with oldT and I need to give that a chance to happen. I'm making a deal with myself to give it three months and if things are no better or worse than now I am leaving therapy. Maybe I cannot do this or change or deserve to change my life. Maybe I'm too ruined by what happened and I will never be able to trust again or relax in a relationship.

All I know right now is that I am feeling crazy with grief and despair. I can only hope that this wound will subside enough so that I can engage again in therapy and find some peace.

Thanks again
TN

TN,

quote:

Kashley, I think crushed and broken if you lose your T qualifies as being attached at least to some degree. Do you think you resist acknowledging the feelings of attachment as being too dangerous?

It could be that I'm resisting the idea, because it does seem dangerous and makes me way too vulnerable. And I guess the attachment implies that I have a need for my T to be there for me and to help me, and it feels so horribly wrong to have needs. That definitely feels dangerous.

I think, however, that my feelings in regards to losing my T come from the acknowledgement that I both don't deserve help and don't need it, since no one can help me. It would crush the hope of something different. I felt much the same way about leaving my first T, and I only saw her for 10 sessions. Even in group therapy (which only lasted 10 sessions too and it was like pulling teeth to get me to say much, considering I really didn't feel safe saying things) was a bit of a hard separation, because that was also one more thing being taken away that had any remote hope of helping me find something different.

You're not crazy for wanting to attach to someone, nor are you so ruined that you will never trust again. It is human nature to crave intimate, trusting relationships, even if they seem so dangerous. And I know that may seem like a pointless thing to say, but I hope it helps you know that it means that you still DO have full capacity to trust, but you've been forced to deny that you can because of all that has happened. We truly cannot be alone, nor does anyone (especially you, TN) deserve to be alone. I'm so glad that you're going to stay with this T for a bit longer. Granted, I don't know one iota about him, but I think that with some time, he will really be able to help you. He sounds like a very competent, caring T (even if he may not seem like it in session). Don't worry about how he'll fit you in...with all he's told you about the horrible endings he's seen by Ts, he would never just eject someone. He is different...he has fully acknowledged how important it is to carefully go through the termination process. He is still helping you try to 'finish' your termination process by trying to get some closure from your old T.

I am finding myself a little worried about the 3 month time limit you've given yourself, TN. After such a traumatizing experience, it seems fully possible that you still may not be able to recognize whether you've gotten better or worse after just 3 months. But I guess that also depends on how you would determine whether you had gotten better or worse. Does better mean that you trust this T, even slightly? Things will certainly not be any better (in my opinion) by leaving therapy...it may seem like it at first, but things like what you're dealing with just don't go away.

I'm so sorry for everything, TN...please know (even though you don't believe it right now) that you are not ruined, that you do deserve to have someone care and listen to you, that you do deserve to have change in your life. You deserve all of that and more.

Endless hugs,
Kashley

TN,

I'm sorry I'm late in answering this question. Probably because it hit a nerve with me right now.

I found my T's website online because I was unhappy with a T that I'd seen for about 4 sessions. She just didn't seem to understand PTSD. Said she went to a workshop and could "cure" me in 12 sessions. Boy do I wish that was true!! Anyway, everything that I read on T's website resonated with me. She almost sounded too good to be true, but I called. She called me and we had a phone chat and set up a 30 minute meeting. I had to cancel at the last minute due to a serious emergency and rather than just rescheduling, T took the time to make sure I was ok, explained why my body was shaking in response to the emergency etc. Her voice was so calming and kind. I was impressed, but not attached of course. I had the 30 minute meeting with her and I really liked her. I felt like we could work together, but I wasn't attached at all. A few months into our work, T had a vacation and it didn't phase me in the least. It wasn't fantastic, but I didn't really have any strong feelings about it at all. Fast forward to Christmas last year and I was a bit upset about her time off over Christmas. I had been feeling a bit more attached, but I felt like T was very inconsistent. She would tell me to reach out if I needed help, but then when I finally got up the guts to do so she told me she couldn't see me and couldn't help me over the phone. She seemed cold and I felt very pushed away and confused. She had JUST told me the day before to reach out to her and I did and it felt like she slammed the door in my face and just told me to deal on my own. That felt very familiar. I also called her in crisis shortly before that time and again the same response. So, twice in a row was a huge hit to me. We talked about it and she admitted that she had told me to reach out and then when I did that she didn't help me. It took me months before I reached out again. In that time, I got more attached and around the one year mark, I suddenly realized that I was really attached. We had worked a ton on our connection in those months and when I finally started to let her in more the connection to her really started to develop.

Having said all of that, I am currently very attached, but experiencing some issues with T. I have this issue where T will look, sound and seem like my biological mom and not like T. Of course this causes complete freak out and pulling away from T. It is usually a subtle change in her voice, her mannerisms or her not being available when I need her (like she forgets to check her phone etc.). Anyway, I thought we had that worked out, but right now when I try to sense my T's presence all I can sense is my f-ing mother. It is an awful feeling and I feel so disconnected from my T.

My point is that even with the strong attachment that I feel toward my T (I would survive, but I would be devastated if something happened that I couldn't see her) I am still experiencing issues maintaining that connection to T. It feels like an approach/avoidance type of situation and it feels awful, but I don't know how to fix it.

So, as you can see, it has taken a long time to develop an attachment to my T and there have been many bumps along the way. I think you are still in mourning over the loss of the relationship with oldT and that is going to have to be allowed time to heal before you will be able to start developing a connection to your new T. Your defenses are so activated right now that I'm not in the least bit surprised that you are finding it hard to connect with newT. I know it's hard, but I really think if you stick with it despite your defenses telling you not to that eventually it will get better. The important thing is that newT respects those defenses and works with them rather than trying to just barrel through them.

Dear TN,

I think I've kinda said this before a bit, but I just wanted to affirm again that I do believe it is really possible to do very valuable work without being attached or strongly attached. That has been my experience with therapy. It may not be the whole picture with trauma therapy, but even just having a place to say how you are feeling and be heard can get you to a safer, calmer place, and perhaps that's all that your system wants and can handle right now. I am glad you are going to hang in there for the next while.

I understand those feelings of addiction to the limbic connection. It is horrible to lose that and I imagine that what you are going through is very much like withdrawal. Please keep taking care of yourself.

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I have found in the past in deeply attached non-T relationships that I had got into a strong pattern of soothing myself with thoughts of the other whenever any kind of anxiety or other bad feeling welled up. I would think of the other and get a shot of lovely soothing endorphins and that would distract me and take the edge right off. When I lost those relationships I had nothing to comfort myself. So bad feelings would come up, I would think of the other and it was like a shot of poison instead - with nothing to soothe from that. A biological cycle I'd got into was badly disrupted.

The 'good' news about this was that somewhere I read that in this kind of situation of cold-turkey from an 'addicted' relationship (I also question this term, but don't want to get into that now) the very worst of these feelings would subside somewhat on a neurochemical level in three weeks, and lo, they did. I still had many months of grief beyond that but that was the very worst, most acute of the pain, and it was never quite that bad again except for limited surges. I know your situation has been complicated in the extreme by traumatic circumstances, and it was a very different situation anyway, as a T relationship. But it helped me to know that there was a neurochemical limit to the most acute feelings I was feeling, that my system would at some point rebalance itself a bit. Maybe there is something helpful in all that for you - don't know, but I figure it's worth putting it out there, adding it to the mix.

xxJ

quote:

I felt like T was very inconsistent. She would tell me to reach out if I needed help, but then when I finally got up the guts to do so she told me she couldn't see me and couldn't help me over the phone. She seemed cold and I felt very pushed away and confused. She had JUST told me the day before to reach out to her and I did and it felt like she slammed the door in my face and just told me to deal on my own.

STRM, thanks for sharing and responding. What you wrote above reminded me of my oldT. There were times he would offer connection and contact and then fail in response. Of course I would get upset and we would have to address it in session and it would take time for me to heal and trust again and to reach out again for connection as I didn't trust it and didn't want to get hurt again. The worst failure in this area was when oldT left for a summer vacation last August and knowing I was struggling with his vacation he offered to call me for a check in .. not a session but a few minute call and we set up a date... and then he NEVER called! I was so totally freaked out and it turned into a mess.

Gosh I don't know if this is disturbing you to hear...but I do understand how inconsistency can play havoc with the attachment system. The good news is that newT so far seems to be consistent and has been good at responding to my emails and beeps. And he is very open and up front about outside contact... he brought it up not me and it was one of the very strong pluses in his column over the other Ts I interviewed.

I'm so sorry you are struggling now with the idea that your wonderful T sort of reminds you of your mother. That disconnection is very disorienting and I know that it leaves you feeling out of sorts and insecure. At least that is what would happen to me. I do think that you can work this out though because your T seems to have such a good understanding of trauma and it's effect on the body. I'm glad you have her and I know you feel that it's worth working things out with her.

You are correct about still being in mourning. It's so hard to mourn someone who is still alive (no grave to visit and leave flowers, no rituals of closure) and I see his car everyday when I come to work. I know when he's there and not there and I know that I'm the one he refuses to see while he is out there going about his normal life and seeing all those other patients and I am so jealous that they can sit and talk to him while I am banished and greiving. It's so hard to allow newT to get near me when I'm already crying before he even comes in the room because just sitting in a Ts office is triggering and the grief is so deep. I do understand this and realize that my limbic system in sort of in shock for now and unable to absorb anything new. This is why I plan to give it more time even though I don't feel anything positive emotionally. I will just wait and hope for the best.

Thanks for your input.
TN

quote:

even just having a place to say how you are feeling and be heard can get you to a safer, calmer place, and perhaps that's all that your system wants and can handle right now. I am glad you are going to hang in there for the next while.

I understand those feelings of addiction to the limbic connection. It is horrible to lose that and I imagine that what you are going through is very much like withdrawal. Please keep taking care of yourself.

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I have found in the past in deeply attached non-T relationships that I had got into a strong pattern of soothing myself with thoughts of the other whenever any kind of anxiety or other bad feeling welled up. I would think of the other and get a shot of lovely soothing endorphins and that would distract me and take the edge right off. When I lost those relationships I had nothing to comfort myself. So bad feelings would come up, I would think of the other and it was like a shot of poison instead - with nothing to soothe from that. A biological cycle I'd got into was badly disrupted.

Hi Jones... I agree with you that my system can only handle so much now and just having someone listen to me about what happened is a good thing. So I will continue with NewT to sit there and talk to him (I'm sure his head will explode at some point listening to me lament and praise oldT) until I can handle anything else and hope I come to a place of some attachment or some attunement that makes me feel comfortable enough to stay and maybe even talk about other issues in my life. NewT has actually told me that it will take me AT LEAST one year to get back to where I was before this latest trauma (and he does dx this as a trauma) and especially if I cannot process some of this with oldT. Maybe that is why he is willing to attempt to set up meetings with oldT even if he doubts oldT's willingness to face all of this.

What you described about thinking of that special person when you are distressed or struggling and having those thoughts soothe you are exactly what I would do with my T. Just holding onto him in my head would be enough to calm me and this directly translated into me becoming a much more capable and in control parent and it contributed to building the really strong relationship with my son. But now when I'm in the same situtions of needing to think of him to help me soothe I get a shot of "poison" and my body goes into panic, fear and pain...horrible pain of the loss I feel and I have to deny and run from any thoughts of oldT because it becomes debilitating to me.

I do hope eventually the feelings of shock, panic, pain and fear will subside to a manageable level so I can function again as a person instead of a huge ball of grief.

Thanks Jones for sharing this with me. I hope you are doing okay. Sorry to hear you are on wait-list for the new T. I hope a place for you opens up soon.

Hugs,
TN

Hello TN I’m sorry I haven’t been around to post but want to post here to send you all my support and good wishes. You are going through hell and it makes me really sad to hear how much you are struggling with newT - though I totally get why.

Wish I could offer up something useful about attaching/connecting to Ts - I have a major problem in seeing anything good or positive in most Ts I’ve seen - and while I tend to make myself persevere if I think a T might be good for me, generally if there isn’t some sort of connection or sense that T knows what I’m on about I just leave. (Considering I’ve just been badly rejected by latest T and seem to be leaving a trail of Ts in my wake anyway, I’m not the best person to comment on attachment/connection to therapists )

However I’m thinking that in your case there is NO WAY you are going to feel attached or have any kind of emotional connection to a new T at this point - I wonder if you can let yourself accept that and just put your head down and use newT (who does at least seem to understand what you’re going through) as a kind of bridge to get you through your pain until you’re in an emotionally better position to judge whether he can really help you or not?

I must say it would drive me crazy not having a regular appointment, and having a T who is so busy that he can’t fit in extra sessions would also make me feel very insecure. However it does sound as if he’s seriously looking to fit you in regularly - maybe it’s worth hanging on until that happens. Not the ideal situation I know.

Love and hugs to you TN - know that I’m thinking of you even if I’ve not been posting.

LL

quote:

However I’m thinking that in your case there is NO WAY you are going to feel attached or have any kind of emotional connection to a new T at this point - I wonder if you can let yourself accept that and just put your head down and use newT (who does at least seem to understand what you’re going through) as a kind of bridge to get you through your pain until you’re in an emotionally better position to judge whether he can really help you or not?

Hi LL and thanks for stopping by my thread of confusion! What you wrote above is what I am going to attempt to do. Not that I really want to but for lack of any other solution to my pain I guess I should keep going. It's just that the simple act of walking into newT's office makes me cry because it's not my "home". Old T's office became my home because it WAS a home and not an office building. It was a 200 year old farmhouse and so many times I walked in and could smell the popcorn or chocolate chip cookies baking (an activity for kids group going on) and there was that beautiful dog wagging his tail and jumping on me and the fireplace and my T smiling at me saying c'mon in and talk. Of course it felt like the best home a person could ever want to have. And the loss of that is so striking when I walk into new T's basic, cold modern office. I cannot calm down when I'm sitting there and so each time is an exercise in self-control and in facing up to anxiety and fear that I am lost. I feel like I'm so lost and I need to get home but I cannot find my way there. This actually relates back to me as a 10 year old on my own from home trying to get back hom in the dark and clutching my bus fare in my hand so scared of the dark and being left alone at night. So scared and needing a Dad to help keep me safe. This is what runs through my mind as I sit so far away from old T in a place that feels scary and unknown.

But I will keep sitting there because I have no place else to go. Maybe one day I won't be so afraid.

Thank you LL for thinking of me in the midst of all your own pain and confusion. I'm so sorry you had to face another rejection. I had some hopes for awhile that your PsychoT would work out as he seemed to try to help you feel comfortable and to meet some of your needs. I hope you will feel able to share more of what happened with us at some point.

Rio, thanks for sharing your experience. I am thinking that at this point I'm so full up with grief that there is no space for attachment or connection to anyone. The walls are pretty high right now. I allowed them to come down with OldT and learned a painful lesson. I'm not sure I will ever allow anyone else past those bricked up walls again. I told my oldT I would never shut him out and I told him so much gut honest stuff about my thoughts and feelings and then he abandoned me. That tells me one thing... don't let anyone really know you because when they do.... they are so gone.

I'm glad to hear that you are starting to feel a pull of attachment with your T. I look forward to hearing more about your sessions and how you are feeling.

TN