{{{{{{Pippi}}}}}}

Hey there Pippi...I can really, really understand your disappointment with the cancellation, especially with its "last minute" nature. Cancellations suck in general, but to have it cancelled as you were already there waiting, when your expectations were at their peak, would just be awful. My reaction to cancellations is very similar, gobs and gobs of bitter disappointment and fear that seem out of proportion to the situation. The only difference is that I don't rage as much outwardly (unless I'm alone where no one can hear me - then I let 'er rip ). My style is to turn it inward and rage at myself. (Yours is probably healthier, by the way )

To have such a strong reaction, when we are able to understand that emergencies and illnesses happen and our T's can't help it, probably means that we are reacting from another place in our lives where we've been disappointed a great deal. But "knowing" that doesn't help in the middle of the emotional storm, I know. Let yourself cry as much as you need to, and try to find a way to express the rage in a contained manner (writing, pacing, shouting into the void - anything that doesn't harm you or anyone else). And when the storm dies down a bit, hopefully the world will look a little different and maybe you will reconsider talking to your T. Please keep posting here too if that helps.

Lots of hugs,
SG

I hate being cancelled - happens a lot to me and it gets to me in areally bad way. SG you are right, they are totally out of proportion to the event itself. I wonder why I do this and concluded a while ago like you that it's partly

quote:

probably means that we are reacting from another place in our lives where we've been disappointed a great deal.

but also that our Ts are the chance we have to change our lives and each cancellation to me feels like a missed opportunity.

Pippi, I react by turning it in on myself - I want it not to matter, be independent etc etc and normally think about quitting competely if there are several occasions to save myself more pain of remembering childhood rejections. I do talk to my T about it and she knows, but it never gets any easier.

Take care and hold tight til you see him again,
starfish

quote:

I am not sure why I reacted so strongly to this. I know I dont deal with change good and especially last minute changes in plans. But we were suppose to start working on the abuse issues which I have been dreading for two weeks so I should be happy that the appointment was canceled. But instead I got so mad and even spent half the day dissociated.

Hi Pippi,

Just want to say it is TOTALLY understandable that you reacted with lots of hurt and anger, given this situation. I think it takes a lot of emotional 'summoning' to be able to go into a session and talk about abuse - and you had been preparing yourself to go in and deal with that stuff for two whole weeks. You would have been full of tension and adrenaline and you would have already done lots of hard work in talking yourself through whether it was a good idea, reassuring yourself and getting ready to be open. Like an Olympic athlete training for a race which was going to take everything they had, only to find it cancelled at the last minute.

I guess the thing that's hard about awful situations sometimes is knowing that the situation sucks and deserves anger, but that the people involved don't necessarily. It's hard to have the anger without someone that deserves it! I guess that's where walls (and, less painfully, punching bags and pillows!) come in handy.

Hope you get to bash up something inanimate good and proper - something that won't hurt your hands!

J

Thanks for the replies...it helps, and I am somewhat calmed down right now. I think yall are right and it helps me understand a little more why I reacted the way I did plus at least I am not alone in this.

I have spent some time thinking about it and I am still mad at my psychiatrist for even putting me in a position to where I have to become vulnerable with someone else and risk being hurt or abandoned. I also think part of it was that this was the first session with this therapist (since I have only been seeing her for a few months) that we were going to talk about something important or that big that was going to make me vulnerable. And this is the person I am suppose to trust and talk to about this and it feels like she abandoned me before we even got to that point, so it makes me question whether I should be trusting her or not. And I think it does make the anger worse when you know you have all this anger but no one who really deserves it except the people in your past that treated you so badly that it makes you respond this way.

nope, I have not had another session and have not even heard from the therapist or any one from her office which makes me even more mad because they could have at least tried to set something up or let me know that they at least tried to, but I dont think they are even trying.

Besides that I am dealing with a lot right now which is why I havent been commenting the last couple of days. Am dealing with being hurt by my dad again because my husband and I are renewing our wedding vows and we asked my dad if he would walk me down the isle since he didnt do it in the first wedding because we just went to the justice of peace and none of our family was there. When I asked him he said he would have to talk to my step-mom and make sure that is okay with her first. What the hell is that kind of response???? He should be excited and happy to do it but that was his response and also that he was not planning on dressing up so I guess if it required him to dress up than that is a no. And then on Saturday night I was watching my nephews at my house, they spent the night with us. I went to the store to get diapers and while I was gone I had my 6 year old nephew and my 5 year old daughter in the toy room watching a movie while the younger ones were falling asleep in the bedroom. My husband was two inches away from the open door and for some reason got a feeling that he needed to go in the room and he walked in on my nephew molesting my daughter. And this is not the first time she has been molested, thats the whole reason she is in therapy. Now she is acting out and going crazy and we are having a hard time dealing with that. So all that along with a few other problems going on and my life is hectic and I feel like I am loosing it!

My therapist canceled my appoint an hour and a half before. He is feeling the crunch because he is trying to get his taxes done before he leave for a month on vacation. We have rescheduled for Friday. My heart just sank.
I dont need to explain to any of you how this feels. My question is....do they realize the effect it can have on us????

NO THEY DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!

But don't get me started........

lizzy girl all I can say is I know where you are and it's tough. At least you have Friday to aim towards but that won't help you right now. Can you try to explain to him a little of how you feel and how it affects you, in case it happens again?

starfish

Hey Pippi - I was sorry to read about your difficulties at the moment. The response from your dad about your wedding sounds awful - I would be really mad.

And as for your daughter's experience - ugh - I hope she is okay, and I'm sure you are giving her lots of support. I'm glad she has a therapist already to help her through. What a horrible feeling, though. Hope the nephew is getting some help too - it sounds like it wasn't just mutual exploration/play, and that there is a problem of some sort going on with him.

It all makes it that much more important that you are getting good support yourself - do you think you will ring them to find out what's going on?

I had my own missed-session-downer yesterday. I was so spaced out after my last session, I could have sworn we booked it for Tuesday. We definitely discussed Tuesdays in the session, because she said she doesn't normally work them but she'd open it up for me because she is leaving soon. But I also remember writing it down as the 8th, which is this Thursday, not Tuesday. I didn't check the date yesterday - just took the 1.5 hr public transport commute to the office to find she was not there. So I am STILL waiting for this EMDR session that has been promised & built up to for months. Feeling totally over it....

J

Lizzy, commiserations to you too. Cancelled for TAX!!! I want to kick your T's backside - he should a) be more organised and b) NEVER tell a client that reason for cancellation! For crying out loud....

And as for YOUR T, BB, he's up for a boot as well! Why should anyone have to rearrange at the last minute? What is wrong with these people?

You might have noticed that I don't have a legitimate reason to be mad at my own T, but I'm MORE than happy to offer some spare wrath for others who can use it... anybody else?

Bah.

Jones

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
My P says he often makes time adjustments with other clients...and is wondering now if I can handle that. Can anyone please tell me what that even means? Cuase he doesn't cancel but will shift the time a half hour or so...at the last minute, which I never bothered about until he said that, now I'm wondering if it's supposed to bother me. ugh.

BB

I can handle a shift of a half an hour or so, since I'm usually his last appointment, if he is running late, I know he will spend the time with me on the other end. It's when he cancels for another day that upsets me. I'm sure for some people, a minor adjustment can be a major thing emotionally and not just an inconvenience. The fact that he is asking how you feel about that is being sensitive to your particular tolerance for change. If it has never bothered you, then great, you are being flexible. How long do we have to wait to see a physician? Seems like they are always running behind, and we get no advance notice and I think most of us expect that to some degree. We just sit there for an hour in the waiting room.

quote:

Originally posted by Jones:
Lizzy, commiserations to you too. Cancelled for TAX!!! I want to kick your T's backside - he should a) be more organised and b) NEVER tell a client that reason for cancellation! For crying out loud....

And as for YOUR T, BB, he's up for a boot as well! Why should anyone have to rearrange at the last minute? What is wrong with these people?

You might have noticed that I don't have a legitimate reason to be mad at my own T, but I'm MORE than happy to offer some spare wrath for others who can use it... anybody else?

Bah.

Jones

I'm OK about him telling me why he has to reschedule, I think I would rather he be honest about it as he doesn't cancel unless he really has to and he tries to get me in as soon after as he can afterwards. I emailed him last night and told him how I his cancelling made me realize I have will have no support while he is gone to Katmandu...yes...for 24 days. I apologized for being needy, and and that I need a backup plan while he is away.
We were going to do another EMDR session on Friday but I told him no. I need him around afterwards to help me deal with my feelings,
sometimes I have no problems processing the trauma target, sometimes I do. I will be seeing my P during his absence, normally monthly but he is going to recommend to him I see him a couple of times while he is gone. But its not the same, seeing the P is more clinical versus therapeutic and not the same support or relationship as with my T. It's just tough when they leave.. all we can do is grin and bear it I guess.

lizzygirl,
I think you were very wise to cancel doing the EMDR work before such a long break - if anything you should be having extra support at that time not less. 24 days is indeed a long time and you are right

quote:

It's just tough when they leave.. all we can do is grin and bear it I guess.

I hope you manage to stay strong through that time - at least you have your P for support even if it's not quite the same

starfish

Hi Lizzygirl & BB - sorry for being a bit scattergun in my last response here - sounds like your Ts are both actually being pretty communicative and considerate - and you guys are too!

I agree with Starfish, LG - it's a really good thing that you knew not to do the EMDR before his break - thinking ahead and looking after yourself - I like this.

J

Hey, thanks BB.

I'm ok - I think - I don't know. Finding it hard to work, want to sleep all the time, no physical energy, etc. Bad dreams and waking in the night, but during the day I don't feel bad upset, just a bit zombieish. Wish I were getting more work done, and wish I could just hurry up and get the dealing-with-old-mini-traumas over and done with.

Had a lovely session with my T yesterday though - she was so present, I felt so cared for and connected. I even told her in a round about way that I'm upset she will be leaving. She said "it's not supposed to happen. That's the thing about therapy - therapists are NOT supposed to leave, and they are NOT supposed to go on holiday." That was nice. And when I said I was thinking I didn't want to continue with someone new she made this really sad noise. I guess we'll talk about that more.

What about you? How are you getting on with your virtuali-T? I wonder about that sometimes. Sounds so very frustrating, and I know that like me you've decided it's just too hard to go some places in those circumstances. Is it getting any easier? Is there any tiny skerrick of possibility that you could find someone more embodied to work with?

J

Things are still pretty difficult, actually got more difficult right now. Still have heard nothing from this therapist that was suppose to call and set up an earlier appointment and I am suppose to see her Monday and dont really want to go. I am thinking about calling before I leave to go just to make sure she is going to be there so that I am not sitting there waiting and then find out. I know it probably wont happen this time like that but I just dont want to risk it. And my daughter has been acting out a lot and having a hard time which makes it harder to deal with her and we kind of feed off of each other sometimes. I have been dealing with depression myself lately. We are also dealing with CPS right in the situation with my daughter. So far they have only called and asked a few questions regarding what happened, and this is not our first time dealing with CPS and the last time we had a great caseworker and everything that was lied to them about us was found out to be lies so CPS does not worry me at all. I always believe if you have nothing to hide then there wont be a problem and that proved to be true last time. My sister though is not very happy about it. She is pissed off at us, doesnt believe anything has happened between my daughter and nephew and says that my nephew does not remember anything that happened to him so what we say is a lie. When she found out CPS wanted her address she wouldnt give it to me cause she doesnt want me to know where she lives and was being really rude in the texts we were sending and at the end she told me that the CPS phone number was all she needed and for me not to contact her again. So I guess that relationship is over and that is the last person from my biological family that I have any contact with so now I am completely seperated from my biological family. And I just lost a best friend or at least some one who I thought was a best friend for the last few years. But I was wrong because she was just using me so that I would help her with the things she needed. I watched her kid for a year for free, picked up from school when I stopped watching him gave her rides every where, did all kinds of things for here and now she wants to talk crap about my husband to me and expect me to think its okay and tell me that we are off the hook and have met our christian duties....and said that it is my husbands fault that her husband is not in church anymore because my husband did not shake her husbands hand one time when he showed up even though they sat with us for three months straight before that happened. I told her that her husband is a grown man and makes his own choices and it cant be blamed on us if he chooses not to go to church because my husband said hi to someone else instead of him. Its crazy and its obvious that now that she moved several hours away there is no way for me to help her with anything so he doesnt need me or the friendship so she just threw it out. And even though I know this is for the best it still hurts and is hard to deal with. So that is whats going on with me right now, but my psychiatrist is being really supportive and has been answering every text I send without getting mad at me. I told him I wanted to kill myself and he told me "nope, sorry cant die yet" which made me start laughing when I read it which was what I really needed right then and he has been really cool about everything. Makes me love him more!

quote:

I'd like to make an odd comparison, Jones, if I may. I love gregorian chant. But to sing it well, one has to empty oneself of the distractions inside, focus on the music, let time stand still and let go all sense of "purpose and end result directedness" It's also essential to listen to those around you who are singing too. Then it becomes a healing prayer, not just something to be got through successfully. I really think ideally, therapy is supposed to be like this. hm. Take that for what it's worth...

Blackbird, I want to thank you so much for this. I read it last night and it has been simmering around inside me, shifting things. I have a similar kind of musical pursuit I can't name here, too identifying, but I know exactly what you are talking about. When I think about thinking about my therapy this way, it brings EVERYTHING into a different light.

Suddenly I feel more connected to what's happening inside me - so painful but maybe it's okay too. The thought of going with what's happening, listening to it, attending to it fully, instead of blocking it and fighting it. It requires so much trust to be in this space.

Thank you BB - what you wrote was amazingly intuitively perfect for me.

J

I just want to write some stuff down here, offload a little bit because I'm struggling. I'm okay in the days at the moment but I get to about 6 pm and over the last few days all I can do is sleep and cry - it's not really like me.

I'm hanging out for Tuesday when I can continue the EMDR with my T, and at the same time I am having real trouble holding on to my sense of what it's for or what therapy is for. At no point am I going to get a happy childhood. It just seems like I'm going closer to the most unhappy parts, reliving them, making them more alive and I don't know why. Does it really make sense? BB I'm coming back to your thought of the "healing prayer" and I like that, I just can't imagine right now what it would be like to feel healed.

It's especially hard at the moment because I have to imagine *past* the next couple of months, when my T will be gone. There is some really important stuff she said (before she knew she was leaving) we would address directly around that time. Now we can't, and I can't deal with it on my own. I don't think she remembers.

The thought of starting again with someone is awful, and I can't deal with that stuff with someone new. But I'm wondering if I can ask her WHO she is thinking of referring me to, so I can start imagining what that would be like and whether I'd be comfortable, instead of just imagining the void where I'm on my own.

Meanwhile my other current attachment figure is unavailable to me right now, and I don't know if he will become available again or if he's gone.

Ugh, two more days till my session.

By the way, BB, I'd really like to hear more about your situation with your virtuali-T, when you feel up to making that post.

Jones

Am sorry for your struggles - the evenings are always harder and the nights probably very long It seems like you are on the cusp of something with your work with your T - the realisation may not make life any easier, but sometimes what we discover in the difficult times and difficult work, makes the process clearer and fits some of the jigsaw pieces together. So I hope that for you Jones, that whatever you discover with your EMDR, that you are given some insight with it too that might help your distress and uncertainty now.

Starting with someone new wil be hard - I would definitely ask who she has in mind for you. Perhaps you can meet him/her before you finish with your current T, so you have extra support in the transistion time and there will be no difficult void. Unless you want a gap of course.

Hope the next 2 days don't pass too slowly for you.

starfish

Thank you BB and Starfish - you guys are great.

I had the best session today - my T made a lot of time to talk about her leaving, the EMDR, the couples therapy and all the implications around all that, and about my continuing therapy.

She told me straight up that she thought I'd be feeling a lot of abandonment stuff. I think she's right, but it's funny how it comes at you on all sorts of angles - for me there's no sign in my head flashing 'ABANDONMENT AHEAD!' - just all that depression stuff, and everything seeming so much HARDER.

I talked to her about how scared I was about starting with someone new, not knowing anything about their competence or whether they're crazy or not. And about the equally bad or worse feeling of imagining myself alone after she's gone, the void, having no one there (yeah, ok, so maybe the big flashing sign is there, I just can't read).

She told me she felt like the continuous support was really important for me, and that we could work together in the time before she goes on finding someone good for me. That she would help me do this, identify what I need, meet them with me, that I could devise an interview for them, and so on (BB, are you my T's T?). That she doesn't recommend crazy or incompetent people.

I told her that I REALLY didn't want to work with someone brand new. It's amazing how much relief I got just from saying that.

And she told me she thought I'd be best with someone who could work psychodynamically, with transference and so on. And (cue the Jaws theme) she wondered whether it would be good for me to work with a man (Great White Transference beast circles in the distance, the smell of JOOOONNNEESSSS bedded deeply in its nostrils). That's a whole other post for another time, but for now I feel like a new woman. Knowing she is going to hold together this process and make it safe until I'm safely with someone trustworthy. The relief is huge.

So, BB, I'd love to see that interview website-bit, if you can remember where it is - I think I would find this really helpful!

J

Jones,

Wonderful to hear you're feeling better and had a good session with your T today. I know you've been in a bit of a bad place yourself with your own T, and I'm glad things are going in the right direction and that she's willing to work with you to find you some support to continue on with. That's got to be such a relief for you. And yeah, a man might be a great idea! Best of luck to you, and thanks for your support to me the past few weeks! I've appreciated it a lot.

MTF

MTF - thanks for the happy wishes! The support is mutual and an absolute pleasure. I learn so much from everyone's sharing here, and it amazes me how much you guys are all here for me too. The reality is that one or two hours a week or a fortnight or whatever are just not enough to process an unhealthy past and move into a happy present and future - it's a daily journey, and we need people beside us, and this site and y'all who extend your friendship are that for me.

BB, that goes for you too, of course - that site is reeeeally good, I read a lot of stuff there last night and got a lot out of it. Thank you so much. Didn't even come across any religious stuff, but if I had I reckon I can handle it. Just don't ask me my opinions about the pope right now.

The interviewing bit was really helpful. Couldn't do this on my own, but maybe with my T's help I can.

J

Hi Jones,
I'm so glad your T comprehends how difficult what you're going through is and is supporting you so well. It makes all the difference in the world.

Hi BB,
To create a link, you do the following.

1. Use your web browser to navigate to the webpage you want to link to.

2. Go to the address bar of the browser and click and drag to select the whole address.

The address should appear highlighted.

3. Press CTRL-C to copy the address.

4. In the Reply dialog box, there is a small row of buttons just above the text entry area. The third one in says "URL," click on this.

5. A small dialog box appears with two entries. Click in the one labeled "URL" and press CTRL-V.

This will paste the address you copied on Step 3 into this field.

6. In the Title box type whatever you want to appear in your reply which will be the link people will clink on.

7. Click on the OK button and the link is added in the post.

8. Just go to the end and continue entering the rest of your post as you normally do.

Let me know if this works for you, or if you need more info.

AG

You're welcome BB! Thanks for asking! In an effort not to hijack this thread, I actually posted an update which you can read here: Update.

Hey, sorry I have not been on here lately...things have been extremely crazy for me. I did see my psychiatrist yesterday and it went okay. I will get on later tonight and update with everything that is going on, but right now I have to go have dinner with a friend...but I am seriously about to loose it!