((((HBShadow))))
I'm sorry you've had so much trouble with T's. It is a very discouraging feeling. Why is it they say they "can't" help you? I don't know how much you've read on here but there are several of us who've tried "multiple" T's until we've found a "good fit". What is it that you are looking for in therapy?

SG

Hi Strummergirl - thanks for your response

They say they can't help me because I can't talk....I mean at all. About anything. Due to anxiety. Each time I go in and am like ok this is it this time - I am going to say something, anything - about the weather, what I want to talk about, some inane comment - but I fail. And I can't say anything, let alone talk about the reasons I want to go to therapy.

I am just looking for someone that I can talk to. I just want to talk. The problem is me, not them.

HB, I'm sorry for your pain. If your issue is anxiety and the T says he can't help you- he probably cannot. I would suggest that you see if he can do one of two things:
1. refer you to a T who specializes in anxiety with the plan that you will come back when that T thinks you're ready.
2. Enroll in a DBT skills group and see if your T will stay on if you agree to work in the group.
DBT can give you real tools to challenge your anxiety of low self trust. But it has to be done along side indiv therapy. You may also want to consider antianxiety meds. Not all are addictive.

This will take a lot of work on your part- more than you've already been doing but it will change your life. I hope this helps a little. It's not hopeless.

Hey, hey,

I have the same problem, when I am asked something I frizz, or I think I will answer something stupid and I am just rather quiet. Hmm, writing helped me, eventhough my thoughts in email were a mess it helped me, and then slowly I realised that my therapist is not disturbed with my confusion, she didn't react weird I was able to trust her little bit more, and now I can express myself with words a bit more. You need to trust someone and good therapist will stick with you and try harder to gain your confidence. It is not all you...You are just one of us with anxiety problems... I will keep my fingers crossed that you find the person you will feel comfortable with...even if it takes 10 or more of them! Keep on trying, ok?

Hugs,

N.

Thanks NobleDaughter and Ninna for the good suggestions - writing instead/in addition to talking and DBT skills. And yes, that is the issue - my therapists have all dealt with anxiety and feel that unless I take medication, I can never be successful in engaging in therapy.

Congratulations on making progress in therapy Ninna!! I am glad you are getting there!

Hi HB - sometimes medication is the answer even if it is only to "take the edge off." I do not use anti anxiety meds. I used to. However my daughter does use them. They help and they don't change who she is. If you can find a really good conservative psychiatrist who does more than prescribe meds (30 minute sessions). You might get on something that can help. Just a suggestions.

AW HB I could have written your post. I'm in the same kind of position. It's hard to articulate why it fels like it just won't or can'twork- but I think it isn't true. You need to find some new tools for how to communicate, and maybe a T who will help you to communicate instead of judge you for not being able to...maybe. I don't know your full situation, so it is just a thought. I wonder if any T has told you it is ok if you can't talk, (and really meant it as opposed to just saying it) or suggested you write down what you need to say, or tried *gasp* touch..there are ways to break through communication barriers, but it sounds like you need a bit of assistance from the T to bridge the gap?

Welcome, btw- it's nice to "meet" you..

BB

HB,
I'm sorry you're in so much pain and feeling so discouraged and I understand the pain of leaving your T. It's the nature of attachment. When we were children we had NO choice but to stay with our parents, it's a matter of life and death. So no matter what they did, we blamed ourselves both to keep our parents "good" and hang onto, however, dimly a sense of control. After all, if it's our fault and we can figure out what we're doing, then we can fix it right? But just as when we were children, we were not responsible for our parents behaviors, as adults we cannot control both sides of a relationship either. If you can bear it, I think looking for another T might be a better fit.

The reason I say this is that my T once told me about a patient he had, that didn't say a thing for a year! She came to weekly sessions and they sat there in silence every week. My T practices from a point of being very open to just "being" with the client, so he waited. He reasoned that if she kept coming back, something was happening even if he couldn't see it. He has raised non-defensiveness to a high art, so he patiently waited and didn't make it about him. When he told me about it, I asked him what the silence had been like? And when he asked for which one of them, I told him both. And he told me that he learned patience and a lot about just being present. She learned that she was worth waiting for to speak, that she mattered enough that someone was willing to wait for when SHE was ready, not when they were. He told me that when she started talking, they ended up doing really good work together (he did say that the reports for the insurance company were a little difficult ). What I'm really trying to say is that yes, you need to work at learning to speak, it is after all "the talking cure" BUT you may just need time to learn to trust enough to speak. There are good reasons that you can't. But you need a therapist who can be patient with that struggle.

AG

Thanks Blackbird and Attachment Girl - that's just it. This last T - they DID just let me go and say nothing and they did all the talking - about "nothing" - to try to get me to the point where I would talk - about something, about anything, even just chit chat. I got so upset I was not making any progress, even after a year, and "quit"....well said I wanted to quit - and at that point then they said you can't come back because it isn't helping you. And unless I take medication, they won't let me return.

I think it was very stressful on the T to have to talk and to feel like they weren't helping. But Attachment Girl....exactly what you said - I didn't want them to give up - I wanted them to keep trying - I wanted to matter enough that someone would wait for me, instead of force me to do what they wanted to have their attention. I just wanted them not to give up and to be good enough just as I was that I was worth it for them to keep trying.

I have had some many T's. This one was the first one that didn't force me to talk, especially about things I was not ready to. I will try the other T (actually one I saw in the past a few times) - maybe it will work this time

I just wanted to be worth it to the last T. I wanted to matter just as I was. Not have to be what they wanted - medicated, talking on command etc.

Sorry for rambling. And thank you NobleDaughter for your advice on the medication, and BlackBird for the welcome. I have been lurking for years here - it is a great forum

I so realte, HBshadow- I had the very similar situation with my T and it hurts when it feels like they give up on you, really bad. Just know that- it's not your fault! it is *their* faulty way of being, and not yours. My T said all the right things but contradicted all of the right things he said with his opposite behavior. and sometimes his opposite words.Don't give up- you will be able to find someone who can help you, if that is what you choose to look for.
I just realte so strongly to everything you said. About wanting the T to not give up on you. About feeling like you are staying too long for them. About them thinking it isn't helping you, and most especially, this:

quote:

I think it was very stressful on the T to have to talk and to feel like they weren't helping.

I felt this very strongly with my last T, and when I tried hard to talk to him about it, since he said Ihad to tell him everything I was thinking and if things were not helping- he just denied it as my own projection. Even though I just knew it was true. You need a T whose self-wroth isn't directly tied into how wonderful and helpful he or she is. Soemthing like that? idk the asnwer, I just know that I understand where you are coming from, and have much the same struggles with my T. I guess I am not the best person on here to encourage you, yet I do very much realte so hopefull that helps to know, that you are not alone at least in how you feel.

hug,

BB

Hello HBshadow
Can totally relate to your struggle to talk. My T is perfectly okay with silence and she doesn't try to fill the silence by talking with when I go quiet; which takes some pressure off us both. She says that it is okay to be quiet sometimes and just be together without words being necessary. Also writing has helped with being able to talk sometimes and not always every session even 6 months down the line. She also sticks a post it note and pencil down on my chair so if I can't talk I can write a word or draw a picture (this week it was a word (sad) and drew a sad face. It can take time as well to build this up to this, to be able to talk or write a single word down. I hope you can be kind to yourself over this, it takes real time to build trust (T and I work on it still even after 6 months - and it's a nice feeling when it grows) and you can start to open up