hi ang!

did he actually say that its not appropriate for you to know that, or is that the conclusion you reached because he asked you why you asked? just wanted to make sure i understood... T's LOVE to ask WHY you ask something and not necessarily reply to what you ask... very ANNOYING, i know!

I dont think you should watch your wording or anything. i think it might be a good idea to talk about this properly in session and hopefully understand that he didnt mean anything in a bad way. maybe he just doesnt like to answer questions about where he is, but that is NOTHING to do with you, its just his boundaries. so no reason for YOU to feel bad about it!

hope you'll get more clarity on this, good luck!

puppet

As Puppet says, I doubt it is anything to stress about. Texts are a funny medium, we have to remember that.

Puppet, I hate it when they ask why to everything!!

yes, definitely talk about it. just tell him the truth, that you asked because you didn't want to catch him at an unconvenient time. it's all good, but can understand what you're going through.

Thanks guys! He did say it was inappropriate for me to know where he is at. I get that, I just didn't want to bother him if he was already home for the weekend. In just a few months, this hasn't been our first rodeo. Gosh how could a simple text turn into this? . I did apologize on the phone and explained. I mean he seemed to understand, he went to the topic I was upset about. He said sometimes with text it is hard to know intent. even though we talked and I emailed him about it, I still feel bad.
Should I email and tell him I am nervous about Monday? I mean I'll still go, I mean he was nice enough to fit me in on a busy day. Gosh what do I say? Thanks again

(((ANG)))

You've been seeing him for just a few months? Are you that committed? I think he read meaning into the meaning of your text and totally overreacted!!!! I just don't like the sound of it. I'm not a big fan of the word inappropriate either. For those of us who have trouble just being ourselves and being seen and known, it's a very judgmental word and he could have handled the whole thing a lot differently!!!!

Now look at what it's done to you. You seem anxious about it and about making him angry. I don't know. That's just my opinion.

I see no problem with him asking why, but I agree about not being comfortable with "not appropriate." He could have just as easily have left it as asking why until you clarified or said, "I'm not comfortable letting clients know where I am or what I'm doing in my personal life." For all I know, he's had bad experiences with clients that led him to read in something that wasn't there and if it seems he understands, that's good. But, the word "inappropriate" feels like a bit of an overreaction to me, even if you did just want to know if he was still in his office or not, without knowing why. It's fine for him to not think it's a good idea to share, but that doesn't mean your wanting to know or asking is wrong in some way. If you wanted to track him down and do something bad to him in some way, that would be wrong obviously, but just wanting to know something about someone you're getting attached to, imagine where they are at (even for no reason) isn't really wrong, even if it's not something that's possible in that sort of relationship...

I always let my T know ahead of time if I'm scared about coming in, either via text or right when I get to my session, just so he knows the context of our session.

Thanks Liese and Anon,

Liese yes it made me feel worse and I am super scared of making him angry. He didn't come as angry, but could tell there was something amiss, but we had been emailing back and forth before he saw the text. I would've have thought he would have known if I had had bad intentions.

Anon, I understand no my intentions weren't bad, not sure I could really talk about it. If I had even thought how that sounded I would have wrote it differently.

Liese, I am committed. I realize how that text could have been misunderstood. Being that we have been talking about former bad T and boundaries.

Anon, I emailed him like twice to tell him how sorry I am. He most likely won't see it til he is at work tomorrow. We did briefly discuss it than he moved on to why I was upset and needed to talk. I did email him this morning explaining that I was nervous about Monday, but I do appreciate him still making time for me and will come in.

Thank you guys, it will be a long weekend now. Will you talk to me? well I mean here. I'll let you know what happens Monday night.

(((ANG)))

quote:

Will you talk to me? well I mean here.

Phew! I thought you wanted to talk to me at home. LOL! I just couldn't resist.

Yeah, maybe he just had a bad day. My T doesn't ask my intentions because I am so self-guarded ALL THE TIME and scared to make ANY moves at all in ANY direction. He's trying to get me to just be me so I'm not used to that kind of questioning really.

It seems to me that even if you were wondering where he was at that very moment, that that would not be an unusual thought. I bet T's wonder where we are sometimes. Maybe. LOL! But, I could see that discussing it further in session might have been more appropriate (as opposed to the appropriateness of him telling you about your inappropriateness over the phone) if he wasn't able to find out via the phone call what your intentions were. All he really had to do was to ask, "Why? What's up?" at which point you would have told him that you didn't want to bother him at home. What should have been a simple interaction has now gotten much bigger.

Haha, Ang, maybe he's projecting!!!! Maybe he does wonder where you are but is SOOO uncomfortable with that thought!! Could be a possibility!!!

Okay, I'll shut up now.

((ANG))

Just one more thought. Have confidence in yourself, that you know what you intended. Whatever he thought or misunderstood is his problem. I know, easier said than done.

((ang))

Miscommunications suck. I've had them through e-mail before and it was terrible.

If I'm not sure usually I will just say "If it's okay to call back" or "If you're still returning calls". The thing is though, Ts have their boundaries. If he's inside of the office or not he can choose to call or not. My T has called only one time outside of her normal hours, she said she chose to. It was just because my message came in late.

Keep posting as you need this weekend, and I hope Monday goes well - it's so intimidating to go back after a misunderstanding. I find I carry a lot of shame.

((Cat))) and ((Liese)) if ok..

Liese-- your posts made me laugh out loud and smile. Yep lol I meant at home jk. I know my wording could've been so different. And maybe he has had a client cross his boundaries, he has filled many counseling roles. But we really haven't argued too much or had misunderstandings, so I was wondering what he really thought I'd do.

Cat-Thank you for understanding and sharing your experience. Misunderstandings do suck, I can now see how my wording was kind of creepy. But what I don't get is why he thought that of me, I hadn't given him any indication of danger. Minutes before he read my email, we had been emailing back and forth.
The timing of my text was right before the emails,
I assumed he saw the text and was responding to me. I feel like I'm still red.

Liese- I think due to the nature of their work they do wonder where we are at and what we are doing when they think about us. But probably wondering more if we are taking care of ourselves. Maybe especially after a hard session? Ugh why isn't this weekend ending any faster?

Hello,

I'm starting to get shaky now, man does he realize what this has done to me? I am so nervous about Monday so I hope I hear from him tomorrow. I wrote an email so he knows what is going on and apologized again. I'm a compulsive apologizer, he knows this. I managed to get some homework done, but have more to do plus the assignment from him. Yikes! I wish he would just said why? I guess at least he asked instead of assuming but he kind of did. Thanks for supporting me.

((((ANG)))

Hope you can find some peace this weekend.

Thank you Liese, I am trying. This will still be a long weekend. I really want this weekend to end, lol. Sometimes he does take the time to respond, so I hope he does tomorrow.

My friend is taking me to the zoo tomorrow, so there is one day gone. Sunday is church, and then I relax with movies. So I'm trying to put it aside.. though it's hard. I mean I explained to him, wrote him emails, I cant really do anything else right now. I told him I'd still be there Monday but I was scared.

Gosh do people really get dangerous with their Ts and why? I can see getting angry with them.. I was actually more hurt. But obviously it had been a problem with him before. Geez all this over what was supposed to be a simple text.

(((Ang)))
I'm sorry this has sent you into such a tail spin...! all over a small missunderstanding!... you explained and apologised (too much it sounds like) and from here on it's really HIS problem if it's not sorted, it would be a reflection of HIS issues maybe to do with other clients crossing some boundaries in the past... well, nothing to do with you! i do know how it stings tho, your T saying something in such a harsh, critical way! and i think it is his turn to apologize to you, or at least explain.

you're right, there's nothing else you can do right now, i hope you can have a nice weekend and then monday will come and hopefully you can talk about this properly in person and it will all be sorted.

puppet

Thank you puppet and everyone here, you guys are so supportive. The zoo will keep me busy today. It's not that he was really harsh, but he asked in as firm way. We have talked about sometimes he needs to get firm, it is something my stubborn self needs sometimes, its ok. But I hadn't really run into it before, I knew by his voice something was wrong. But after I apologized and explained, he did change the topic to why I needed to check in.
You are right? Perhaps other clients had crossed his boundaries? He is handsome and nice, so completely possible.
I still shaken but 2x next week, plenty of time to hash it out I suppose.

quote:

Gosh do people really get dangerous with their Ts and why? I can see getting angry with them.. I was actually more hurt. But obviously it had been a problem with him before.

Hi Ang,
I hope the zoo went well.
Just... I have never been "dangerous" with my T. Or anyone. I have never been a threat. But, at a time, I could definitely be perceived as one, and I am quite sure a T who would have known me and suffered my "boundary crossings" at that time would have been afraid. I deeply regret it, and wish I never ever do anything like that again. Now, the idea of simply going on my T's professional website makes me physically sick, because I am afraid of crossing those boundaries again (it was not a T when it happened, but it was not better). I feel I was/am a monster. But I know that my T when she heard about it found it "frightening". So... maybe "I" (=someone like me) happened to your T, it does happen, and makes people overreact.
Fare well and I hope it can provide some form of possible "explanation" for your T's reaction. If it upsets anyone, I'll take it off.

About, you are fine and thank you. Thank you everyone for your support. I am now counting down hours is that weird? I didn't hear from him today, probably didn't end up working today. Afraid he is mad, he doesn't often get mad.

About, I think if a T has an online presence they should expect that people especially clients will look them up. Yes, I believe that maybe something happened to him before with a client. I mean at least he asked, without assuming. I emailed and told him I'd try to put this aside til Monday but it is tough....

Has anyone accidently crossed T's boundaries? What happened? Insert eye roll he'll probably use this as a therapy lesson.Eye roll

I think at times like this it can be important to remind yourself that you have hired him - not the other way around. He is just a man doing a job. He is not a god, not your parents and not the police. If he gets pissed off, he can get unpissed. He cannot do anything to you.

((ANG))

quote:

Has anyone accidently crossed T's boundaries? What happened?

I had wanted to see my T twice a week but he didn't work that way. I had no idea because so many people here see there T's more than once a week. I thought it was an individual thing. So, I kept asking for a 2nd apt. He'd give it to me, eventually, but I had to wait until the last minute to see if there was an opening. It was causing me so much additional stress.

He never told me that he reserves 2nd apts. for crisis and emergencies only until later on down the road but I could tell that something was weird. I've got a thick head so I didn't really know what it was.

Over the course of several months, it all gradually came out. Of course, I felt like a huge idiot but how was I to know unless he told me? He gave me a permanent 2nd apt. though and we talked about dependency issues, etc. and kept talking about them.

It's so hard for me to say because certain boundaries are easy for me to respect: sessions at his office. Only calling the office number. For a long time, I didn't have his email and couldn't text or email. I was okay with that but there were other things that were harder for me to accept. I don't intentionally cross them but I will bring it up time and again if it really bothers me.

There is so much about the therapy relationship that is different from "real" relationships. I don't think any one of us should feel bad about accidentally crossing a boundary. Most of this boundary stuff is not common sense and often seems cruel. Just my opinion but I think T's should be very forgiving when it comes to accidental boundary bumping. It works the other way too, doesn't it? T's could cross our boundaries accidentally. Sit too close. Or push too hard.

It's a really sucky way to learn about others boundaries if you have to worry about the other getting mad. I mean, aren't we trying to learn how to be ourselves, respect our boundaries and respect others boundaries? Would it do us any good if we all walked around on eggshelves paralyzed by fear that we might cross a boundary we are unaware of?

Now that I am becoming more aware of how much I and other people project, including my own T, it makes it a bit easier to shake this stuff off. It's harder to shake it off when the other is unaware that they are projecting. But feeling entitled to ask a question or to ask for a need to be met is important and will go a long way towards innoculating yourself from the shame that comes from asking to have a need met regardless of the reaction we get from the other.

Sorry that I'm rambling. I know I'm not making much sense.

Liese,

You make perfect sense, and thank you for sharing what happened to you. I am glad you and your T worked it out.

I agree T's need to be forgiving on boundary crossing, especially if it is accidental. This one was a clear misunderstanding and I try to be so careful, yes you are right it is like walking on eggshells isn't it?

I hate how some Ts argue and argue about a 2nd appointment. Some won't even consider.

I know it has only been a short time but I am committed, and have seen that we usually match. I had been getting into some dangerous territory about my first T, so maybe he thought I was slipping?
I think I do need to ask him why? I mean I get it, it sounded creepy. But even with the short time, he should know I am in no danger to him.

Really guys thank you for all your support, please keep replying I have til Mon afternoon..,
yikes