Hi TAS

I'm in the middle of a T break as well but its only 10 days. I always find the 3 week summer holiday very tough.

As a T in training and being married to a T, I can say most don't have a "God" complex (though there are those who can't get past their own narcissistic gratification and need to do their own therapy if they are going to really help their clients). There is a heavy reliance in some cases because the T-client relationship often resembles the parent-child dyad when the patient has a history of abandonment, deprivation, trauma or neglect. However, this period of dependency is necessary for people to be able to develop a solid sense of independence down the track.

The process is meant to be harder on clients that the therapist but that doesn't mean its not challenging for the therapist as well.

If you look closely enough, good T's do what they do to provide a frame within which healing can occur. That includes them having more power over things like boundaries, limits, fees and session length times. Nobody can be endlessly available to another, even parents need a break from their kids when they are little.

TAS, I hate to break it to you, but I suspect your T will know you've had a hard time on the break even if you say and appear otherwise. I suspect he knows you will have felt abandoned and rageful and that is a perfectly ok way to feel when you've been through what you have TAS. It is normal to devalue someone when we are angry at them to avoid all sorts of feelings. But underneath anger is often heaps of hurt feelings and it can be so terrifying to be so openly vulnerable when early experiences of vulnerability were rejected, punished, ridiculed, minimised or led to some sort of abusive behaviour.

Hugs TAS. You'll get through this. Part of therapy when you have enormous abandonment wounds is learning it is a)safe to attach to someone and see they don't leave you; and b) to learn how to "miss" someone in a different way. xxx

((TAS))

I can so understand your feelings. That is exactly how I have always felt with my family. I would never let them see how I felt. Still don't. They were not and are not trustworthy enough to let them know. They stepped on me and hurt me too many times to ever be trusted again. So I do really understand.

I wonder though, what would happen if you did let your T know how hurt you are that he is not there now as you are going through this painful time? Do you have any thoughts on how he might react? Would there be a reaction you would want?

I've been suffering through alot of trauma around my mother's illness and my brother this year. Whenever folks find out about things that have happened they look at me with pity in their eyes. I HATE that. I have really pulled away from so many people and things because I can't stand having people look at me that way. I don't know what I would want someone to say. T asked once and I said I want them to DO something. Make a casserole, offer to pick up one of my kids, invite me to movie to get my mind off things. Instead they just look at you and say I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to make this about me. How would you want your T to react to your true feelings TAS?

Just curious,

Jillann

Green Eyes: Thank you. I do understand the frame, which, at times, is unsettling to me. I hate the frame. I hate it. That's just me, though. Other people feel comforted by it.

"TAS, I hate to break it to you, but I suspect your T will know you've had a hard time on the break even if you say and appear otherwise."

Yeah, I know, and I hate that he will know anyway.

Jillann: Thank you

"I wonder though, what would happen if you did let your T know how hurt you are that he is not there now as you are going through this painful time? Do you have any thoughts on how he might react? Would there be a reaction you would want?"

If I let the T know how hurt I was and how much I struggled, it means I have some sort of caring towards him. To me, that translates into power. He has power over me because I care for him.

I honestly don't know how he would react. I don't even know if he would say he was sorry that I had a difficult time. I truly don't. I would like him to understand it's not easy when he is so far away.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult year. I understand what you mean when you say you hate when people look at you with pity in your eyes.
I completely understand.

All the best,
T.

I have dated a couple of therapists and there is an element of god complex they can have in my experience.
I think it is important to remember that the client can always walk away without explanation, or pick one who will work differently, or control the shortness of the appointment if not the outer limits (ex. the therapist is available for 50 minutes, I can choose to leave within 10). In other words, the client does have as much power as a therapist.
I don't miss the therapist when she goes on vacation. I cancelled for this week because going seemed worse than not going.

Stoppers: I am really feeling this right now:

"I don't miss the therapist when she goes on vacation. I cancelled for this week because going seemed worse than not going."

You are right about the power...I never did quite look at it like that...because when I say I am leaving at the ten minute mark, the Therapists says, "You really need to stay and finish this conversation, although it is difficult." Usually, I am desperately trying to run from difficult feelings.

Thank you for replying. I completely understand what you mean.

All the best,
T.