Hi katy. I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this right now.It sounds like you have a good T, which is great. One thing I wonder though, have you talked about how things will end? Will she decide or you? If you know you will, it might help relieve some stress.

Also, my screen won't let me go to the bottom of the message to write an ending, so I'll do it here. I hope I've been any help at all. If not, feel free to disregard it all. It's only my way of thinking, not the right way. Hugs and good luck!

If it helps at all, I know where you're coming from. After I started therapy, I felt an immediate connection with my T, and I couldn't imagine ever stopping therapy. I stressed about it, even worried that getting better would mean I'd have to give her up sooner than I'm ready (no end in sight right now though). I also worried so much about her liking and caring about me as much as I did her. Actually,I don't know why I'm writing in past tense because I still struggle with this.

Some ways of thinking have helped me though, and maybe they'll help you too.

1. I decided to let myself think about her and therapy all the time for now. She's a big part of my life so it's natural for her to be on my mind right now. I'm thinking this will pass naturally like all things do. As I need her less and less, I'll obsess less and less. It would be great to hear from the more experienced members on this.

2. Even though therapy is hard and sucks sometimes, I still look forward to it every week and can't imagine it ending. To stop worrying about this so much, I try to think of it like any other good thing with a predetermined ending. Like college. It's an important part of life, but it doesn't last forever. I still enjoyed it while it was happening though. When graduation was approaching, I was a little scared/sad, but ready too. I look back on it fondly and miss it sometimes, but I feel ok. I'm thinking therapy will be the same. I'll never feel totally ready, but when I leave, it will be at a point when I can handle it.

3. I believe my therapist does care about me. I know I'm ultimately a client, and I know I care more. I think the person who needs more usually does care more. But I don't think therapy is quite like any other job. I think they have to care or they couldn't do what they do every day. Certain therapists might express their care more than others but I wonder if they make that choice to express more or less because of what they think will be most helpful, not because they do care more or less.

Hello, katy! Welcome..I liked everything scribble said to you- (welcome scribble, too!)

I hear all of your pain and frustration at the feelings of love and obsession and need for the therapist. Those are very painful, feeling, longing for something that has been awakened by her care, but that she cannot give you all of the care and love that "your heart truly longs for" as my old T would have put it.

I will tell you that I had a most painful attachment and transference with my last T, and the feelings often felt like they would kill me, or I would die from the pain of not having his care in my life in a more normal relationship of love. It is truly agony at times- try to think, this is the pain you must have felt as a child, you simply had to put it away- and now it is coming to you as an adult where you can slowly let those feelings out with someone who is safe and who should never harm you or abandon you. It will be ok. Even in the worst of it, it will really be ok, in the end, even if you end up in dreadful pains at times, they will pass, and you will grow stronger and more sure. It will happen. But for now, while you are in the midst of such pangs of longing, I just want to send you some comforting hugs of friendship and welcome.

BB

Lovely Advice Beebs.

Hi Katy and Scribble. I too know the feelings you describe only too well. I think we all go thru these when we are in therapy and are becoming attached to our T.

I will answer bits. I need to have my T in my mind - I need to be 'talking' to her throughout the day - she becomes my conscience and my imaginery friend. She is my new pal. She keeps me safe, she keeps me secure. I don't fight this anymore.

When I am missing my T and not feeling secure - I read something she has written me, I have a small bit of her handwriting that I look at. I have a photo of her that I can look at AND I have the emails she has sent me. I might look at these daily. This keeps my T in my heart and my head. I notice that she is quick to loan me text books of hers - I am now wondering whether she has done this on purpose to help me bond with her as I have something of 'hers'.

If I am having a really insecure time - I can text her and say to her " i am just checking that you are here" and she promises she will answer that day (I haven't done this yet). This is all done to make me feel secure and to know that she is still here for me. I am allowed to email her and 1 day during the week she will reply or will send me an email - again for me to know that she is consistent and she is there.

If I am really losing it - I can leave a msg and she will call me. (Never done this).

We have set this up because I felt she wasn't 'there', wasn't attentive, I wasn't bonding with her and I felt insecure. Once we put all these in place - the feelings I have for my T are all positive ones.

I am not fighting the thoughts I am having for her - I am letting them in, but the difference for me - perhaps - is that I know that T is there if I need her.

I haven't thought much about whether T cares for me or thinks of me - I think because I am starting to attach and feel secure with her - that I know i HAVE her 100% during my session and brief times during the week when I call out for help.

Does this make any sense?

I have a 1 sided attachment to another person - and I have been frantic at times when she has been away. I thought she was dead, i thought she had abandoned me - I thought all the worse. I had absolute panic attacks - the difference between the attachment I have for her and my T is that I know my T is reciprocating the attachment. My other person holds me at arms length.

Definitely talk about it with your T and think of things that can be done to help you feel more attached. This might help.

Hi Scribble, somedays and blackbird.
Thanks so much for your responses. They all help.
I'm sorry for the late reply. I didn't know anyone had responded and had come back to post again begging for some help.

All of your points are so good but like you all know still so scary.
I do indeed feel like I have transference that's for sure but I don't like it.
I think my t cares for me too but it's just weird.
Scribble I like your idea of just allowing myself to feel it. I think therapists may say the same because in the end it's allowing the "feelings"...I hate that part but I do like your idea.
Somedays...I worry that I am getting too attached.
Things hurt me that shouldn't. I skipped our last session just to distance myself. She doesn't know this. I just made up an excuse. Then this weekend I saw her with her daughter. She didn't see me. This killed me. It broke my heart. I love love love kids and it doesn't bother me to see friends with kids or anything but it does when I think of her with family.
Then I just thought I never want to see her again.
and blackbird...I'm confused by the transference idea because I am sad that she could not have been a mother to me when I needed a good family and someone to "save" me. At this point in life I know that is a loss. I would not want this therapist in my life outside of therapy. I would be afraid if I saw her out of context. still she is in a role like a parent but not right? Make sense? I'm just confused. I see her with her daughter and think why her? why not me? I think of her and her father and think...must be so nice to be an adult and have a loving parent still in your life and have great memories of being loved. I often think if she sees me in public that she will think less of me like I dont' fit in and don't belong with the rest of the world This part I have said to her and she always says no and asks if she has ever come across that way.
I can't tell her all of these things. I'm afraid she would distance herself and that would hurt even more
Help!
please keep talking to me. my thought are horrible about this stuff

oh and Somedays..yes, my T will give me things to take home. I wonder if it's because of what you say here....for attachment?