Hi All.
I wanted to know if any of you have experienced anger or personal sarcastic remarks from your therapist and how you handled/coped with it? HC
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A T that I went to see once for an initial interview ended up getting mad at me and saying many very hurtful, critical, demeaning and sarcastic things to me during the session. It was an awful experience that I have described in some detail to my current T, and she agrees that this T was way out of line and inappropriate in how she treated me. She also told me that several other people have come to see her after similar experiences with this very same therapist. 
When I told her that I thought the woman should be locked up, she laughed and said that many other people felt that way, including some other therapists. So, apparently I managed to stumble on somebody that has a pretty bad reputation as a therapist in my area, but that has somehow managed to retain their license and practice for now. It's kind of troubling to think of that, but at the same time it made me feel a little better to know it wasn't just me.
Anyway, as to how I coped/handled it. . . not very well. I never went back to see her, of course, but neither did I try therapy at all again for another year, because I decided therapists were terrible people and that the whole mental health industry was a scam to traumatize and manipulate the troubled masses.
I have in no way retained that extreme and somewhat bizarre opinion that (to be honest) I adopted as a protective measure after that very disturbing experience, although I do still have a lot of criticisms and reservations about the mental health system in the U.S. in general.
Anyway, I've played the whole wretched session in my head over and over again many times, looking at it from many different angles, trying to consider what I could have done differently, what it was that could have made her react to me the way she did, and whether there was any truth in any of the nasty things she said about me. I've talked this all through several times with both my H and my best friend, until I figured I better drop the topic before their patience ran out, although they were both quite nice about listening. It bothered them to see me so hurt and to know that I was treated so insensitively when I was looking for help. I've also talked about this with my "real" T a few times, and the things she's told me have been very helpful.
It's hard to believe I reacted so strongly to a one time event like that with a person that meant nothing to me, but the fact is that it's extremely damaging to be exposed to seemingly unprovoked (and very unexpected) anger and sarcasm when you are vulnerable, scared, and hurting. In retrospect, I think I suffered I mildly PTSD-ish reaction. I'm over it now, in that I hardly ever think about it, and when I do, it doesn't bother me nearly as much, but I don't think I'm any kind of model for how to handle and cope with these things well, seeing as my it was a rather severe and prolonged process for me.
Anyway. I guess that's enough rambling from me for now, but I can share more details if you think that would help. Feel free to ask if you have any other questions...
I'm so sorry for whatever it is you are going through. I know sometimes even good therapists doing good therapy may "hurt" us as they help us confront our demons, but there is a difference between pain that damages and pain that heals. I think you will know the difference. My general rule of thumb, though, is that belittling, sneering, and demeaning attitudes and comments from a therapist are NEVER okay.
When I told her that I thought the woman should be locked up, she laughed and said that many other people felt that way, including some other therapists. So, apparently I managed to stumble on somebody that has a pretty bad reputation as a therapist in my area, but that has somehow managed to retain their license and practice for now. It's kind of troubling to think of that, but at the same time it made me feel a little better to know it wasn't just me.Anyway, as to how I coped/handled it. . . not very well. I never went back to see her, of course, but neither did I try therapy at all again for another year, because I decided therapists were terrible people and that the whole mental health industry was a scam to traumatize and manipulate the troubled masses.
I have in no way retained that extreme and somewhat bizarre opinion that (to be honest) I adopted as a protective measure after that very disturbing experience, although I do still have a lot of criticisms and reservations about the mental health system in the U.S. in general. Anyway, I've played the whole wretched session in my head over and over again many times, looking at it from many different angles, trying to consider what I could have done differently, what it was that could have made her react to me the way she did, and whether there was any truth in any of the nasty things she said about me. I've talked this all through several times with both my H and my best friend, until I figured I better drop the topic before their patience ran out, although they were both quite nice about listening. It bothered them to see me so hurt and to know that I was treated so insensitively when I was looking for help. I've also talked about this with my "real" T a few times, and the things she's told me have been very helpful.
It's hard to believe I reacted so strongly to a one time event like that with a person that meant nothing to me, but the fact is that it's extremely damaging to be exposed to seemingly unprovoked (and very unexpected) anger and sarcasm when you are vulnerable, scared, and hurting. In retrospect, I think I suffered I mildly PTSD-ish reaction. I'm over it now, in that I hardly ever think about it, and when I do, it doesn't bother me nearly as much, but I don't think I'm any kind of model for how to handle and cope with these things well, seeing as my it was a rather severe and prolonged process for me.
Anyway. I guess that's enough rambling from me for now, but I can share more details if you think that would help. Feel free to ask if you have any other questions...
I'm so sorry for whatever it is you are going through. I know sometimes even good therapists doing good therapy may "hurt" us as they help us confront our demons, but there is a difference between pain that damages and pain that heals. I think you will know the difference. My general rule of thumb, though, is that belittling, sneering, and demeaning attitudes and comments from a therapist are NEVER okay.
HC,
Last June I experienced, over three weeks (three sessions) what I thought was anger, from my therapist, and she would even say some things to me that felt really hurtful (called me "weak," said I was "feeling sorry for myself," and some other things). I coped by crying at home, coming to this forum and talking about it, and emailing 3 friends who work in the field of social work. Most everyone told me to fire her, but one social worker friend told me to "put it out there" and just ask her if she was angry with me. So, at the last session of June I did just that. The session started horribly, her body language, the look on her face, she looked tense and angry and looked like she hated that I was there, but I did it, I said, "Are you angry with me?" And she said, "Uh, no, why?" So then I started to tell her things she had said to me over the last three weeks and she then said, as she shifted her body in her chair, "Let me tell you what I have been thinking the last few weeks." And she did. And I was a bit shocked at what had been going around and around in her head while I sat there and talked, thinking she was listening to me. But, she wasn't, she was listening to these thoughts in her head (the ones where she was worried about me doing something to myself and my kids). We talked it out, the whole 45min session and in the end, I think both of us felt a lot better. I told her she was wrong (she said, "I have been known to be wrong before; I can hear that."). I didn't get an apology, for how she acted towards me, or her words that hurt me, but we moved on after that session and she briefly asked the next week how I had been feeling since the week before and I said good and that was the end of it. I have not experienced anger from her, again, since.
HC, I hope whatever you are going through, you can talk about it here, and maybe it can help you cope and/or come up with a solution.
Last June I experienced, over three weeks (three sessions) what I thought was anger, from my therapist, and she would even say some things to me that felt really hurtful (called me "weak," said I was "feeling sorry for myself," and some other things). I coped by crying at home, coming to this forum and talking about it, and emailing 3 friends who work in the field of social work. Most everyone told me to fire her, but one social worker friend told me to "put it out there" and just ask her if she was angry with me. So, at the last session of June I did just that. The session started horribly, her body language, the look on her face, she looked tense and angry and looked like she hated that I was there, but I did it, I said, "Are you angry with me?" And she said, "Uh, no, why?" So then I started to tell her things she had said to me over the last three weeks and she then said, as she shifted her body in her chair, "Let me tell you what I have been thinking the last few weeks." And she did. And I was a bit shocked at what had been going around and around in her head while I sat there and talked, thinking she was listening to me. But, she wasn't, she was listening to these thoughts in her head (the ones where she was worried about me doing something to myself and my kids). We talked it out, the whole 45min session and in the end, I think both of us felt a lot better. I told her she was wrong (she said, "I have been known to be wrong before; I can hear that."). I didn't get an apology, for how she acted towards me, or her words that hurt me, but we moved on after that session and she briefly asked the next week how I had been feeling since the week before and I said good and that was the end of it. I have not experienced anger from her, again, since.
HC, I hope whatever you are going through, you can talk about it here, and maybe it can help you cope and/or come up with a solution.
Hi Have Courage 
this is a big one for me. Yes, I have experienced anger and sarcasm directed at me from my T. I could probably write a novel on how this all evolved. But-- long story short. After months of feeling frustrated, annoyed, and upset, I finally unloaded a list of grievances in session. I basically got no response, so I did the thing I was being told to by everyone and quit therapy. She then reached out to me in a rather unexpected way, and said a few things which made me come back. There were ups and downs before, but this quitting incident has been the biggest catalyst for change that I've seen in her. I am still seeing this T.
I am not at all sure I did the "right" thing, or for the right reasons, as I continue, even now, to struggle with a sense of mistrust and discomfort. I am, at times, wrathful and hurt about it all still. I feel our conversations around this have been band-aids for an oozing gash requiring deep stitches. She may analyze and elucidate, but she's always fallen just short of taking responsibility and apologizing, and that's made it impossible for me to fully move on.
effed
this is a big one for me. Yes, I have experienced anger and sarcasm directed at me from my T. I could probably write a novel on how this all evolved. But-- long story short. After months of feeling frustrated, annoyed, and upset, I finally unloaded a list of grievances in session. I basically got no response, so I did the thing I was being told to by everyone and quit therapy. She then reached out to me in a rather unexpected way, and said a few things which made me come back. There were ups and downs before, but this quitting incident has been the biggest catalyst for change that I've seen in her. I am still seeing this T.
I am not at all sure I did the "right" thing, or for the right reasons, as I continue, even now, to struggle with a sense of mistrust and discomfort. I am, at times, wrathful and hurt about it all still. I feel our conversations around this have been band-aids for an oozing gash requiring deep stitches. She may analyze and elucidate, but she's always fallen just short of taking responsibility and apologizing, and that's made it impossible for me to fully move on.
effed
Hello All!
This "boundary template" is the only thing that my T would respond to. It worked quite well!
He calls his technique "bashing" and between us, I won't let anyone talk to me that way and decided to establish a clear boundary. I have also begun to realize that my T and I BOTH are very headstrong and (fairly) intelligent and have a strong desire to be RIGHT.
That is helpful information. But so is knowing that there are bad therapists out there, some very narcissistic types out there, and I suspect that my T has some of those qualities Perhaps it is a lesson for me to not play the "borderline" to his "narcissist"- (however... I have a feeling that it's the same personality type divided into gender roles, but that's a whole other post...
I feel better now knowing that I'm not longer trapped in the same double bind my parents placed me in, that would be A. submitting to the "bashing" or B. Terminating the relationship.
Hope this helps!
I want to stay in this relationship because:
- I honestly enjoy interacting with you on many levels
- I respect you
- my overall experience of working with you as a therapist has been positive,
- we have had several significant successes – I want to build on that,
- we would lose the emotionally intimate relationship we have – the first of its kind for me – that would be a huge loss to me.
I apologize for . . .
- pushing you away/projecting my frustrations on you. For example, the word rumination. I'll explain more of that later.
- questioning who you are and what you do in a way that affects you to your core
I acknowledge you for . . .
- being 100% committed to our process and to my success.
-being willing to try new ways of confronting that feels honest but not aggressive
-reading and responding to these PM's, even though you are pressed for time
- accepting me unconditionally,
- really seeing and hearing me
- having my back no matter what
- offering your real self to me via just the right amount of self-disclosure so that I have the pleasure of interacting with a real human being/friend instead of the robot therapists that many have the misfortune of having to interact with
-your intelligence and willingness to talk about interesting things, not just relationship and therapy stuff
- being there during extremely intense moments of despair with healing and heartfelt words
- being passionate about your work,
- being very generous with your time and availability,
- genuinely caring about me,
- choosing to come back again and again and again.
Today, I will be setting a clear boundary relating to our client-therapist interaction. Please pay very close attention to the parameters of those boundaries.
I want to address these issues in a more constructive way. One of the things I am noticing is my increasing ability to discern "triggers" and "projections" from real, honest boundary issues that result any time two people interact.
“Boundary issues” Stop means stop/no means no
Context: I know we had discussed the "bashing" issue before, and you had agreed to tone it down I don't want to be blindsided by another round, as you were not willing to agree to stop doing it in the future. I have genuine concerns about this as a therapeutic technique, and I want to have a say in this...just like I would for any other medical procedure.
I believe . . .
-that this is counterproductive and puts me in a place where I want to withdraw
- It is exacerbating the lack of trust/depression issues that I have
-It creates in me a sense that I have done something "bad" - that my soul, me being, is shameful and unworthy, and that this is unnecessary.
-Is an "offensive" tactic that would put a normal person on the defensive
I need . . .
- to feel safe enough to be able to tell you anything.
- to be able to participate as a partner in my own healing
-to not feel attacked and then belittled for feeling attacked
When you . . .
- don’t back-off from the "bashing" immediately after I ask you to stop . . .
I feel . . .
- devastated that you believe the hurtful things you say and not convinced that it's not just a method to get a reaction from me
- distrustful of our ability to maintain a safe therapy environment,
- inhibited, snuffed out, squelched...
-trapped and frozen in a fight or flight response/shut down
-trapped in a double bind, like all roads lead to the "diagnosis"
-like I am losing an essential part of myself, the same visceral feeling one gets when one is violated
-humiliated in the same way that my father humiliated me- shamed.
-almost physically ill
-and even regretful that I questioned who you are and what you do in a way that affects you to your core
I want . . .
- to explore my anger safely with you by questioning the root of the issue by talking about it without you raising your voice, talking over me, saying a handful of hurtful things at once, (bashing) and then telling me that I'm too defensive.
- to know that I have options other than a. submit to the bashing or b. terminate the relationship.
-to keep exploring the defensive mechanisms with you and on my own; to feel like a whole and dignified human being by working on traits instead of being identified as (feeling like) a person who has a personality disorder who needs to be "punished" over and over again.
If you . . .
- don’t stop the current discussion immediately upon my request to do so, back-off your aggressive approach, and give me time to catch my breath and cool down . . . .
I will . . .
- tell you that I need to hang up and return to the conversation when we can both approach issues in an non-aggressive and respectful manner. And then hang up.
I don’t want to end our professional relationship – I want to continue our therapy until I have moved into a healthy space.
I also hope that you can remain willing to have an open mind , treat me as individual, and be as honest about countertransference (your humanity) as I am about transference. In return, I will keep working at identifying patterns, projections, etc.
This "boundary template" is the only thing that my T would respond to. It worked quite well!
He calls his technique "bashing" and between us, I won't let anyone talk to me that way and decided to establish a clear boundary. I have also begun to realize that my T and I BOTH are very headstrong and (fairly) intelligent and have a strong desire to be RIGHT.
That is helpful information. But so is knowing that there are bad therapists out there, some very narcissistic types out there, and I suspect that my T has some of those qualities Perhaps it is a lesson for me to not play the "borderline" to his "narcissist"- (however... I have a feeling that it's the same personality type divided into gender roles, but that's a whole other post...
I feel better now knowing that I'm not longer trapped in the same double bind my parents placed me in, that would be A. submitting to the "bashing" or B. Terminating the relationship.
Hope this helps!
I want to stay in this relationship because:
- I honestly enjoy interacting with you on many levels
- I respect you
- my overall experience of working with you as a therapist has been positive,
- we have had several significant successes – I want to build on that,
- we would lose the emotionally intimate relationship we have – the first of its kind for me – that would be a huge loss to me.
I apologize for . . .
- pushing you away/projecting my frustrations on you. For example, the word rumination. I'll explain more of that later.
- questioning who you are and what you do in a way that affects you to your core
I acknowledge you for . . .
- being 100% committed to our process and to my success.
-being willing to try new ways of confronting that feels honest but not aggressive
-reading and responding to these PM's, even though you are pressed for time
- accepting me unconditionally,
- really seeing and hearing me
- having my back no matter what
- offering your real self to me via just the right amount of self-disclosure so that I have the pleasure of interacting with a real human being/friend instead of the robot therapists that many have the misfortune of having to interact with
-your intelligence and willingness to talk about interesting things, not just relationship and therapy stuff
- being there during extremely intense moments of despair with healing and heartfelt words
- being passionate about your work,
- being very generous with your time and availability,
- genuinely caring about me,
- choosing to come back again and again and again.
Today, I will be setting a clear boundary relating to our client-therapist interaction. Please pay very close attention to the parameters of those boundaries.
I want to address these issues in a more constructive way. One of the things I am noticing is my increasing ability to discern "triggers" and "projections" from real, honest boundary issues that result any time two people interact.
“Boundary issues” Stop means stop/no means no
Context: I know we had discussed the "bashing" issue before, and you had agreed to tone it down I don't want to be blindsided by another round, as you were not willing to agree to stop doing it in the future. I have genuine concerns about this as a therapeutic technique, and I want to have a say in this...just like I would for any other medical procedure.
I believe . . .
-that this is counterproductive and puts me in a place where I want to withdraw
- It is exacerbating the lack of trust/depression issues that I have
-It creates in me a sense that I have done something "bad" - that my soul, me being, is shameful and unworthy, and that this is unnecessary.
-Is an "offensive" tactic that would put a normal person on the defensive
I need . . .
- to feel safe enough to be able to tell you anything.
- to be able to participate as a partner in my own healing
-to not feel attacked and then belittled for feeling attacked
When you . . .
- don’t back-off from the "bashing" immediately after I ask you to stop . . .
I feel . . .
- devastated that you believe the hurtful things you say and not convinced that it's not just a method to get a reaction from me
- distrustful of our ability to maintain a safe therapy environment,
- inhibited, snuffed out, squelched...
-trapped and frozen in a fight or flight response/shut down
-trapped in a double bind, like all roads lead to the "diagnosis"
-like I am losing an essential part of myself, the same visceral feeling one gets when one is violated
-humiliated in the same way that my father humiliated me- shamed.
-almost physically ill
-and even regretful that I questioned who you are and what you do in a way that affects you to your core
I want . . .
- to explore my anger safely with you by questioning the root of the issue by talking about it without you raising your voice, talking over me, saying a handful of hurtful things at once, (bashing) and then telling me that I'm too defensive.
- to know that I have options other than a. submit to the bashing or b. terminate the relationship.
-to keep exploring the defensive mechanisms with you and on my own; to feel like a whole and dignified human being by working on traits instead of being identified as (feeling like) a person who has a personality disorder who needs to be "punished" over and over again.
If you . . .
- don’t stop the current discussion immediately upon my request to do so, back-off your aggressive approach, and give me time to catch my breath and cool down . . . .
I will . . .
- tell you that I need to hang up and return to the conversation when we can both approach issues in an non-aggressive and respectful manner. And then hang up.
I don’t want to end our professional relationship – I want to continue our therapy until I have moved into a healthy space.
I also hope that you can remain willing to have an open mind , treat me as individual, and be as honest about countertransference (your humanity) as I am about transference. In return, I will keep working at identifying patterns, projections, etc.