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18 replies

Therapy and Injury(MRI RESULTS)

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
**********Trigger Warning for Medical Test *****


Hi all. I know I've been a bit scarce around here. Therapy is going fairly well once we got past the whole definition of "manipulation". My T is very good and he rarely ever does anything without a good reason and giving it some thought. He has been kind and understanding during my kicking and screaming while at the same time I'm trying to move closer to him.

A few weeks ago I sat in his office and looked at him and told him I needed to tell him how I felt about him. I told him that if something bad happened to him I didn't want any regrets and if something happened to me I didn't want him to wonder so I told him that I loved him. That it was important for me to tell him that. He thanked me for telling him and said it was a wonderful gift that I gave him. He didn't seem uncomfortable and he actually seemed to already know it, but wanted me to say it out loud. It felt good to say it to him and I felt lighter after getting it out there. It was actually more difficult to keep hiding my feelings, worried I would let on. When all the while, I'm sure my T already had a good idea how I felt. He teases me that I think I am keeping things secret from him but he KNOWS me and there is not much I can hide.

While doing this work, I woke up one day and my leg hurt. It hurt when I tried to lift it or to put my shoes on. I tried taking ibuprofen and it helped a bit but this last weekend it got really bad to the point where I could not walk at all. I was in terrible pain and asked my dh to take me to the ER. Once there they took x-rays and told me that there was no break or dislocation of my hip (which it what it felt like). The pain seemed to be in the upper thigh and radiate down the leg. The ER didn't tell me what was wrong just that nothing seemed wrong with the hip. They told me to continue taking ibuprofen and to rest the leg and they also gave me crutches and said to call an orthopedist if it was not better in a week.

I didn't want to wait and the pain continued so I made an appointment with an orthopedic specialist. he asked me a few questions and then told me I needed to have an MRI to see if it was either a nerve (sciatic) issue or if I had a hairline fracture in my hip!! Of course that freaked me out when he said if that was the case I'd have to have surgery for a pin in my hip! I was a mess. My dh was with me and we went across the hall to the MRI place and made an appointment for later that day which ended up getting cancelled because my stupid insurance company required pre certification. Well it took me 3 days to get this and only because I kept calling the doctor's office and the insurance company. I finally got in today for the test.

I specifically asked for an open MRI knowing that I'm claustrophobic and that being confined is very triggering to me. I had never had one before and had no idea what the machine looked like on that the open ones were better for people with my issues. Well, when I got there it was not really open. I had to be put into this tube up to the top of my head. I had taken a half of Xanax before going but it didn't help that much because my anxiety was so high. And to make matters even worse, I woke up with a nasty head cold this morning. Probably my immune system is shot from the pain and worry over the last two weeks.

The tech was nice and said I could cancel the appointment but I felt stuck because I really needed to know if I had a broken hip or not. I've been out of work since Wednesday and am running out of vacation time (we don't get sick time). I really needed to know what was wrong before this weekend because I have a full schedule, my dh's birthday, a baby shower and my son is performing in a concert.

After all my struggling and all my pushing for a "stat" reading of my MRI... I'm here now on Friday night and NO ONE has called me with a report even though I was told I would hear today.

The MRI triggered me so badly that I fell apart when I got home and called my T to help me calm down. He has been very strong for me. Not only was I in this narrow tube (which makes a hellacious noise) but my ankles were tied together and I had this other contraption tied around my hips. The only thing I could see when I looked up was the machine two inches from my face. My T said my child was very scared because of past history and that I needed to talk to her to calm her down and tell her we are safe. I told him I would try because he has been so good to me that I want to try to listen to him.

All of this has left me pretty wrung out. So if I'm not around much or am here intermittently you all will understand why. I don't feel like I'm much help right now.

Thanks for reading. I'm gonna get myself to bed now and hope I can sleep without a lot of pain.

TN
Last edited {1}
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summersummerMember
Hi TN,

I hope you get your results on Monday and that everything is okay. I've had a few MRIs and I had to keep my eyes shut because I knew if I opened them and saw how enclosed I was I would panic.

I've had this nagging feeling that it's time to tell my P that I love him, not just beat around the bush with other ways of saying those words, which I've done. Thank you for sharing how you handled this with your T.

I'll try to find the courage to tell him during my next session and I hope you feel better soon!
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you to those of you who have responded here.

Thank you RM, hic for your support.

Liese... they had to keep my feet together like that so I would not move while they were imaging my leg/hip area.

AH and eme... thank you both for the nice hugs and support.

Summer... I do hope you can find a way to be very openly honest with your T about how you feel. I think it's important and for me, it felt like a load was lifted from my shoulders. I'm not sure what kind of difference it has made yet but it was something I had to do for me.

Jillann, starfishy, SP and About... thank you so much for the good wishes and the hugs.

I went back to work today. It was difficult and my bosses allowed four days of work just sit and pile up for me today. I was really angry about things. They were to delegate some of it to my back-ups. I cannot believe my back ups did nothing for me or that there was nothing for them to do for those days I was out. I worked 9 1/2 hours straight today and came home exhausted and had to nap.

Yesterday was a day of making phone calls trying to get the results of my MRI. The doctor's office that I chose was just awful to deal with. They kept giving me the run around. They were SUPPOSED to notify me over the weekend. They have not followed through on anything they were supposed to without me calling and calling both them, the insurance company and the MRI place.

I finally gave up Monday afternoon and went to see my T. I vented to him and then we talked about some other things, mostly about how freaked out I got over the MRI. I had to call him after it so he could regulate me again. He spoke to me about the inner kid and how she gets so scared and reacts to things that trigger the past while the adult understands what is really going on. It's the split that causes me issues. No kidding.

This caused me to go to that place of "I'm broken, I'm damaged, I'm not normal". We debated over that for awhile. I think that was triggered by the MRI in addition to having T see me using crutches and having to abandon my usual wardrobe and high heels. I felt so broken and useless.

I left his office feeling very disconnected from him and defeated. As I sat in my car I got a phone call from my GP doctor who I asked to intervene. At the same time I had another call from the ortho doc which I didn't realize (didn't recognize the number) and I ignored it. I was still in the parking lot trying to get my results and I look up and .... there is T's wife standing there in front of my car. She looks at me and I stare back as she pauses in front of the door to his building. I knew she was around because I saw her car in the lot. I am always edgy when I see her car. T had told me one time that she does not work on Monday's so I at least used to have a sense of safety on that day but lately she is there on Monday too.

I knew it was here because although I had never seen her in person I have seen many pictures of her because she is on FB and we have a mutual friend. But seeing her in person was a shock and so unexpected that it threw me into a terrible place. Seeing her bound up the building steps, and seeing what she looked like (totally opposite me in looks, coloring, age and shape) and seeing myself on crutches, broken, not able to walk and feeling useless threw me into the black hole.

When I finally managed to drive away I got the call back from ortho doc who tells me that I do not have a hip fracture but I DO have a lot of inflammation and fluid on the hip and some cartilage that came loose and there is moderate arthritis present. He told me to keep taking Advil and rest my leg and ice it and that I could get some cortisone shots if needed.

That is all I could remember because I started to space out badly and felt I needed to hang up. I also knew that I wanted to change doctors so I didn't even ask questions or make an appointment.

I hung up and was hit with such intense powerful self hatred that I was breathless. I had to fight back the urge to self-harm. So I called T. Not sure why because I felt angry at him too but I was lost at that moment.

We talked more about my feelings and he was kind about my MRI result but I felt that it was all phoney and I could not believe him. He just had to be nice but he was thinking that I was a pathetic mess and was so broken and old I should just be ignored or abandoned.

So I could not stay present on the phone with him and ended the call. Now I don't want to see him again. I want to quit and just curl up and hide forever.

So that is where I am now.

Thanks for reading
TN
I incognitoMember
(((TN)))

I'm sorry that you have fallen into such a black pit of despair. I think dealing with physical pain and injury is so triggering and difficult because it drains so much mental strength (as well as physical). Please try to be gentle with yourself. Don't make any decisions about T. Rest, ibuprofen and ice as much as you can (20min on/20min off).

I hope things get easier soon.
MallardMallardMember
That sounds really awful, TN. I'm staring some of this in the face right now, albeit on a much lower level than you. I am lucky in that I don't have body image issues, but I have a lot of a lot of internalised family stuff around health, which makes me feel worthless and to blame when stuff goes wrong with me.

I truly did not expect to be wading through the crap that gets stirred up when you are physically impaired. Like Cogs says, it's hard to deal with and it just intensifies our existing emotional stuff. If I am feeling intensely vulnerable, then it must be pretty hellish for you right now - and I'm really sorry you're going through it. Hug two

And bloody awful luck to run into T's wife. Frowner Must have felt like being kicked when you were already down?

Thinking of you.
E emeMember
TN) I think "Cog" is right, that physical pain is very draining, but its also causes a lot of emotional pain. I think emotional pain can make everything "overwhelming" so please don't make any quick decisions about not seeing your T again, he may be the most valuable asset to help you heal. Be gentle and kind to yourself. "EME"
L lieseMember
(((TN)))

I'm so glad your pain isn't from a fracture. I had some inflammation in my knee and, thankfully, the ibuprofin and ice did help eventually. I was also lucky that it hasn't happened again. I hope you have the same luck.

Why not just let yourself feel the rage that would be entirely appropriate and normal as if he HAD lied to you and IS lying to you? Why not go home and curl up in bed? Take the time for yourself. For your healing.

Let yourself feel it. Just feel it. Instead of telling yourself T thinks you are ugly and broken compared to his wife and he lied to you and he's being phony, just tell yourself how much it hurts to feel that way, to feel lied to or not as attractive as someone else or feel like T really doesn't care about you and is being phony. Look at the situation from your point of view. From the part of you that's hurting. Cry as much as you have to for as long as you want until you decide to get up again. It's so hard to let ourselves just be with those types of intense emotions but sometimes I think we have to in order to get through to the other side. If we keep denying them and pushing them back down, they won't heal.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) So sorry about the pain you are in and how triggering it is to be seen so vulnerable. When you're in pain all the time, everything else feels overwhelming and exhausting. I've had a knee issue since February that I've been working on in physical therapy since September and is finally getting better...only to start having hip issues which have required some very intimate-area touch from my PT to work on. It's been really difficult. Even doing the MRI up to my waist freaked me out, so I can totally understand how hard it would be to go further in. Sorry this is a bit scattered, but I'm really out of it right now. I just wanted to say you're not alone and your reactions are totally understandable...so I hope you can go easy on yourself.
sandysofasandysofaMember
Hi True North

I hope that I am using the reply function properly and not posting in the wrong place. (I'm new here)

I have MS and so have over the years had a bunch of MRIs. As well, I had some when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Somebody here said that when we're in pain, we're more vulnerable emotionally, too. I agree with that.

But I also think there's something about the MRI in particular: the institutional look of it, the banging, the size. It's a machine that looks inside us and finds anything -- MS, cancer, inflammation, who knows what. In a way, when we slide into that machine we're facing our own mortality and frailty.

One of my sons had an MRI once when he was young. I remember that by the time it finished, I was shaking. I knew what the MRI was going to reveal and there was no reason for me to be stressed but I was. It took me a day to stop feeling like I'd soaked up magnetic energy.

I hope that your hip is feeling better by now and that you've caught up at work. I just wanted to let you know that going completely mashed banana over unexplained pain and an MRI is very natural. Maybe your therapist hasn't had that experience yet, but I think most of us get there one day.

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