Hi DBS... while my T has never said those words to me and I really never asked... he certainly makes me feel as if he loves me or at least has great affection for me. It shines through in all the things that he does for me. He behaves like someone would behave if they loved someone. I'm not sure how much impact those words would have on me if he said them because I may not believe him or question it. But if I think to all that he does for me and what I have experienced of him while in his care, then I can believe it.

Keeping that feeling close and holding onto it at all times is a challenge for me. It does ebb and flow and there are times I still think that I'm too damanged or too horrible for him to really care about. That this is just his job and the whole therapy experience is contrived. Yet, it would take a great actor and a huge amount of energy for him to maintain such a ruse. So while it's sometimes hard to believe, I have to believe it because the proof is in front of my eyes.

I'm glad you have such a good relationship with your T. And yes, if we had a secure and healthy attachment with our original caregivers this would not really be an issue at all.

TN

TN: Thanks for responding. I have actually never asked my T the #2 question directly either (I guess I wasn't clear about that when I wrote my question) but I have asked for my T to love me and I have expressed love for my T in my writing and in other indirect ways. My T actually told me once the whole process of healing in therapy was about love. It made me feel good to know I could use that word and it would be okay. I agree with you that regardless of the word, my T does act in many ways as if he loves me too. It's the questioning of it that made me realize how wounded I am; that I still need validation and reassurance. Thanks for your last comment that this would not be an issue at all. That is what I am now starting to see and it's nice to hear someone else confirm it.

catalyst: I can understand what you mean about being overwhelmed by feelings of love. For me, I can hardly take it in at all. It is hard for me to believe it exists for me and I don't trust that it is real because I am expecting to just suffer more abuse. I am realizing now that it is a very sad legacy of my childhood. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Interesting post. I've been thinking about it..it's something that I struggle with. I'm so concerned with what my T thinks of me. Does she really care about me? Really like me? Love me? Then I ask myself, what does it even matter?? Why do her opinions matter SO much. But it does matter, for some deep reason, I guess.

I think I have a different background than a lot of you. I don't have a traumatic history and I wasn't abused. I did have loving, albeit imperfect, parents. My attachment was secure and healthy for several years. It wasn't until I was 6-8ish that I think my parents were not there emotionally for me. So, why am I like this? So obsessed if my T cares for me? I have parents who care for me now...I have good relationships with them. I don't know. I get so angry with myself because I should be fine. I should be more secure and confident in my standing with her. I have no reason not to be. No history that would suggest I would, understandably, struggle in this way.

So I know you said that you wouldn't even be asking the questions you have asked if you had secure, safe attachments early in life...but I don't really know. I certainly can relate to you even though I haven't experienced the things you have. I do think that I've had less struggles with certain things compared to others here who have struggled more, likely a result of the horrible experiences they've had. But I also can relate to some of the things here, one of them being insecure in my relationship with my T and really needing her reassurance. Like TN's T, her caring comes through in the ways she relates to me and is so consistent and present...but something in me needs her to say it. Say she cares. And even then, I minimize and rationalize it that she cares about every client.

Anyway, I'm totally rambling and derailing the thread! Therapy is so painful sometimes!

((((BLU)))))

Wow, how painful. Is she a crank?

(((BLU)))

quote:

but now I'm more interested in my feelings than hers

That's interesting Blu. I suppose that's what is supposed to happen.

What's love got to do with it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu8KFlfzk3Y

I dunno. I've been thinking about this thread and the questions it raises. I used to feel fairly certain that T loved me and I felt that way for awhile. I even said the "L word" to her a couple times, and although she did not reciprocate, I could sense she was touched, and pleased, and accepting and I felt it hanging in the air unspoken and was content.

Now I am not so sure. The impression did not last forever. Perhaps I was in some kind of transference la la land at the time. Then again, I wonder if it really matters. I believe in her basic caring and good will, I think.

Then again, I've been a bit annoying in therapy the last couple months, I believe. I've been skeptical about whether she's the right T, and uncertain how long I want to continue therapy and at what intervals. I've also been indecisive about how I want to work and what I'm even doing there. I think I see more of a way forward now so maybe the magic will start to come back. Who knows?

erica,
I was also thinking about what you wrote here and wanted to say I don't think severe abuse or trauma is necessary to make someone an insecure nervous wreck (not that I'm saying you are one either! but you get the idea). Emotional neglect, parents who are overly preoccupied with their own problems, or angry, or rejecting of their child's core self in some way (and I think many people may be at times because they never learned to accept their own vulnerability) can all make for a feeling of emotional invisibility that later makes connecting authentically with others scary, amongst other things.

Idk, I guess I'm just trying to say I don't think you need a trauma history to "justify" the symptoms or feelings. But you probably know all this already. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for your thoughts HIC! I'm working on this critic part of mine (I'm so damn judgmental of myself!)....talking about it equals holy shame for me! So uncomfortable. Nice to hear your thoughts

quote:

Originally posted by heldincompassion:


I dunno. I've been thinking about this thread and the questions it raises. I used to feel fairly certain that T loved me and I felt that way for awhile. I even said the "L word" to her a couple times, and although she did not reciprocate, I could sense she was touched, and pleased, and accepting and I felt it hanging in the air unspoken and was content.

I loved this bit HIC, and I want to stay in my own La la Land.

It feels like this with my T. I told her I have love for her and we bandy around words like "i hate you at the moment / I am loving you more today " - obviously me saying that to her, my T would never say it.... T even asks whether I love or hate her that day etc.

What my T doesn't know is that for my progress I actually need to hear the words from her.

When I told her she said she was really touched - which can mean anything - but for me it was a huge step.

SD

quote:

So, it occurred to me that if I had had these questions answered in the affirmative by my original attachment figures (mother/father), than I wouldn't even be asking the questions.

Searching on love, trying to learn why I feel so the way I do, and this stood out to me. Makes a lot of sense, I just hadn't thought about it this way before. Thanks for this, and thanks for this post....