Ariellia:

One issue that I am working on in therapy is that of an inability to trust.....how about you?

D

Ah, I've been waiting for this to come up! Mine (I suppose) is DID/MPD, which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly knows as Multiple Personality Disorder. I am what they call an 'insider' (alter) of the body owner (host) who is 42 and female. Yet I am 23 and male. The main issue at the moment is my wasp-phobia.

the dude

I certainly understand the inability to trust, Deb...

I've repeatedly been diagnosed a borderline... with a little dissociative and bipolar thrown into the mix.

I'm a hardcore case... hahaha that sounds so silly, but you just don't even know...

As I mentioned in another post I've been in and out of therapy for about 8 years, since I was 15. I've had a few hospitalizations as well. I'm too darn incurable.

I recently lost the therapist I've had for all those years due to the fact that I gained state insurance which just so happens to be in a different state from that of my therapist. Go figure, I live on the border of 2 states... so I haven't sought out another one yet. It's due in part to my cynicism I suppose.

I hope we can branch out and offer pieces of our stories on here. One day I'm going to write my entire story on the site I'm making to help people... from the traumas and the effects to the overall end results. I think it helps people to hear others. Or at least I think it would help me.

Ariellia:

I am hopeful that you will soon find another therapist that you can bond and connect with....I don't believe for one moment that you are "incurable".....

D

Hey Dude:

If you are feeling safe enough to share....may I ask you how many personalities do you have?

D

Also...Dude and Ariellia......may I ask who it is that gave you these "diagnoses"....

D

The diagnosis was from a Psychiatrist, it's a rather long story how it all came about.

There are about 7 main insiders in our system, I'm not the one with DID but one of the insiders (if that makes sense)

dude

Dude:

So there is you (a 23 yr old male) plus 7 "insiders"?? Do I have this right?

D

Well... it's not as simple as that... there are 7 main ones (I'm including me and 'the host' in this) and a bunch of others who don't come out much. 7 regulars... and I'm really wondering how you are with this information!
dude

I think what you're saying dude is that your host is a 42 year old female, but your main personality is that of a 23 year old male? Am I seeing this right?

Anyway.... Deb, I've heard it from multiple therapists, psychiatrists, inpatient psychiatrists, psychologists.. even my own mother. And really, even myself, I've read alot of books on it and am one of the few that can admit that I most certainly am every aspect of a borderline... and I'm severe. My condition has worsened as I entered my 20's, to a point now that I feel I'm at a really sh*tty low point in all of it.

Anyways.... thank you both for being open

Well... I (dude) am not the host (the main one, the body owner) but yes, I am male and 23 . The host is female and 42...

I'm not clear what borderline means?

dude

Dude:

I sure am okay with all that you have disclosed...thank you for being so open....I have never had the opportunity of getting to know anyone quite like you.....Life must be extremely difficult for you.....do you have a good support system (other than our mutual therapist??)??

Ariellia:

I am sorry that you are feeling at a "sh*tty low point" right now.....perhaps just being able to express yourself and your feelings to others will bring some comfort and support....thank you also for being so open....
Do you have a support system in place right now??

Deb

so- I guess I will chime in. ..

I have issues with trust too.. the everlasting mark of trauma, eh?

I've 'gained' several diagnosis along the way... I suppose a 'consequence' of going to therapy... lol... no therapy.... no diagnosis!!! Of course, that doesn't mean we don't have a problem!

So the labels, like on can's of cambells soup (i tend to say, Im chicken noodle).. are as follows.
- MDD- Major Depressive Disorder
- Anxiety Disorder- NOS (not otherwise specified)
- DD- NOS (Dissociative disorder- nos)
- PTSD (I can't understand how I have anxiety-nos and PTSD... it seem's like the PTSD would explain the anxiety but... who knows... they were diagnosis given by different mental health people at different times in my life (during college for Anxiety- NOS to post- college.. PTSD.... resurfacing from the far distant past).... I still say my PTSD went away .. i was fine... and than it came back.. yeh yeh.. i know it was more like repressed/dissociated but whatever.... I can look at it how i want!.. so there.

I also have physical illness diagnosis including chronic pain from Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, myofascial pain.. blah blah blah...

In terms of therapy, I have been working on my trauma issues first and foremost along with the Depression that tends to relapse a whole lot. Working on some other issues that I believe are all in some way related to past trauma issues so lots of trauma work...

Just for fun, I studied psychology as a undergrad... lol... and would like to be a therapist. I was determined to become a Counseling Psychologist but 6 years of grad school with my health issues doesn't seem feasible at the moment so looking at alternatives. I am a PI (primary investigator) for my research study on Disability and Body Image and some other stuff but my primary focus right now is on healing my own issues as much as possible to allow me to help others.

To the Dude- I don't know if I have shared this in the other group we share together but I had a very very very best friend with DID. One of her really harmful alters took their life after, what I feel was exposure to severe trauma reminders/stressors in their life. I do miss her very very intensely and have a special care/love for the idea of working with people that have been through trauma. Of course that includes me but that's harder to accept.. ha. I have a couple of online friends with DID. One Im pretty close to a few of their insiders. They are doing very very well.. therapy has been awesome for them but my friend dena.. was a special friend in my life and i just havent quite been able to deal with it. Mostly because most people don't react to DID or Suicide very well.. combine the two and people just ignore you so I never quite processed that but over time.... all in good time I suppose.

Oh my, Im writing a book here so I best stop!

Butterfly warrior

Makes a person feel like alphabet soup sometimes doesn't it! LOL ... we here also have depression, PTSD, TMJ (temporal mandipular jaw disfunction), carpal tunnel syndrome, one insider has OCD ...

And butterfly warrior, I'm sorry about your friend! It's very true that a lot of people don't react well to a DID diagnosis. I suppose it seems 'sureal' or something.

In fact, once (on a yahoo group) when it was disclosed of our DID and we were called 'demon possessed', evil, liars, fakes, unsafe, and a variety of other very hurtful terms.

That is why I'm always very wary of disclosing it.

dude

Hi all:

Thank you all for opening up and sharing of yourselves.....I personally don't see individuals as diagnoses.....but rather, unique souls who are simply finding/navigating their way through life.....

D

dude, Borderline is "borderline personality disorder".. i also have struggles with major depression, alcoholism, etc... i had several childhood traumas and have been working through them as best i can. unfortunately i don't make the best of my therapy so i tend to take too much on myself to heal.

i just had surgery this morning to remove a mass in my abdomen and i am in alot of pain so i cannot continue to post at the moment, but i would love to share more.

Butterfly - I am deeply saddened to hear of your friend.. I am sorry. Thank you also for sharing some of your story.

I new it was 'borderline personality disorder' but I'm not sure how this dx expresses itself.
dude

I agree, Debra, that we aren't just our diagnosis. However, it can help to know for therapy and things.
dude

It's been wonderful to see everyone sharing. I've been pondering what Dude mentioned a few days ago about the possibility of moderators. I would like this board to be safe and I think this board might benefit from some guidelines or a vision of what it can be for folks.

I'm afraid I'm quite new at submitting to a board so I would appreciate any feedback you have along these lines. It sounds like some of you folks have experience being on boards.

Any thoughts?
Shrinklady

Well, there are some obvious things that come to mind such as no 'flaming' (i.e. name calling), questioning things rather than judging,having a supportive atmosphere, things like that... if you want to have an online chat I'd recommend having a topic and time (which I think I mentioned) and being the 'moderator' in terms of keeping people talking and perhaps 'on topic', depending, of course, where the discussion goes. Also, unfortunately there are people who seek out psych. forums in order to cause trouble and as a moderator I think you'd have to be aware of this and be able to 'boot them out' somehow. Anyhow, more later... time for the kiddies bed
dude

Ariellia:

I am sending healing thoughts your way as you recover from your surgery....

Deb

Thank you, Deb! I can use them

ok, dude.. let's see how I can explain this.

best way to describe it is... main symptoms of borderlines include ...

people with instability in relationships... self mutilation/depression .. fear of abandonment, reckless activities (drugs or promiscuity), lack of true identity, dissociative symptoms, intense emotional instability (mood changes)... inability to control one's actions (anger, etc..)

thats just the by-the-book definition. It's alot harder than that. Basically we burn everything we touch and we destroy everything in our path. We're instable and needy, yet we desire to be strong and independent because we know no one will ever understand or love us... wow, it makes no sense, even to me... but its complicated. VERY. we are dangerous people

Why do you say 'we are dangerous people' ?
dude

I guess I was wondering if you meant dangerous to yourself or dangerous to others??

Deb

Why do some people with trauma create insiders (alters) and others don't?

Mary (host/body owner of dude et all)

Mary:

Great question! I really dont know the answer to that one....but I think that we are each unique individuals, and as such we each develop coping skills to help us navigate through the rough waters (traumas)...and each of us react to traumas differently...for example--what might affect you one way will not necessarily affect me or other individuals in the same way....Have you read "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine? I think that it might shed some light for you.....Anyway, perhaps shrinklady has a better or more appropriate response to your question.....

D

I haven't read that book but I hear a lot of good things about it.

Mary