Hi Smiley -

I can totally relate to this. I have been seeing T on and off for over 10 years now as well. My T says therapy is an ongoing process. Sometimes, you may not need to come as much, or at all and then sometimes you will need to come more often. And yes, I think the past is always in the present. I don't know your particular situation, but my traumas constantly play in my mind. And I do constantly fight myself, meaning the pain inside me trying to take over. However, when I look at where I was before therapy, before meds...I am in a much better place now. I think people like us, will always somewhat suffer. We will never feel quite "normal"....but I think we can find relief and enjoyment (like you said with your grandkids) in some special things in life.

quote:

So I wonder why if there is happiness why does the awfulness always take the lead? Why do I always feel not good enough? Why do I always find the idea of being dead better than being alive? Why do I still, after all these years, hate myself so much

-I can so incredibley relate to this. The only thing I can say is that unfortunatley, its a product of what happened to us. Meaning for me, with the traumas and alcaholic environment I suffered for so long, I literally learned to feel that way. Look at it like this for a moment....as humans, its innate that we learn to crawl and then walk. What if, as an adult, someone said ok no more walking for you. You have to only crawl. You have to learn to get around and do your daily tasks my only crawling, you cannot stand up. Imagine how long it would take you to re-learn to live life normally that way. How frustrating and irritating it would be. How angry you would get with yourself when you couldn't do something b/c you couldn't stand up. - I think its like that with our emotions and how we feel about ourselves. For so long (in my case) I was taught that I didn't matter, that I wasn't important, that my feelings didn't matter, that my well being didn't matter. My T says for as long as I spent being treated like that and believing that I was shit, that it takes twice as long to "un-do" it. So for me...thats about Hmmmm....36 years of therapy? Lol....anyways I hope that makes sense. Your are not alone. I feel like that every single day. I still cry alot, I still can't look at myself in the mirror most of the time, but its better now, then it was then.

Out of curiousity...(only if your comfortable sharing) why are you off the meds? I tried that a few time, b/c like you, I felt that I hated that I had to take a pill every day to feel normal. Anyhow, that did not go well for me. And I know now, that I have to be on my anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I don't know what type of meds you are on, but it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Its either a chemical inbalance in your brain (which is no different than treating cancer) or its an emotional or mental health issues that needs treating (no different than any other disease).
So anywyay...I think if seeing T makes you feel better, keeps you regulated...even if its more like a wonderful friendship of sharing, then there is nothing wrong with that. Share what you wrote with her...
Take care and hope you feel better

-Kmay

Hi Smiley,
I can't answer your questions. I tried getting off meds and it wasn't happening. I have grandkids and they give me joy even though many miles between. If it's any help I'm just finding that accepting where I am right now is the most helpful thing. I have been with my T for 21 months and wonder if I'll ever be able to stop but right now I feel if I go forever (check-in stuff later) then I would rather just accept it if it's going to keep me balanced. I hope that might be helpful in some way.


Hopeful

Thanks Kmay and hopeful.

I actually went off the meds because I didn't have the money to buy them. I thought I would be able to do it this last payday but I just didn't have enough. Then I just figured I'm not goin to take them anymore. I do know that it has an affect on me, and part of me says don't be dumb and just take the medication. The other part says who cares?
My t says that I have to accept what has happened to me in the past. I think I have, at least I know that it happened. I'm not blind to it. I guess maybe there is part of me that just can't really understand it all. Not that I'm dumb or anything. I know they were sick people and it wasn't my fault, but the feelings are still so strong in me. the meds just remind me that I still can't handle my life.

((((SMILEY))))

quote:

Inside, I know that I need to talk with someone. I can't deal with life on my own.

What is wrong with needing to talk to someone and getting those special goodies that only a T seems to provide? Although you have a partner, you also said things are not always easy and so you don't seem to be getting that support that we all need. IMO, you need to go until the feelings aren't SO strong in you. It can happen Smiley.


Have you thought about mailing away to Canada for your meds? You might be able to get them cheaper. Also, have you checked around at various pharmacies? CVC was going to charge me 4 x's what I'm paying now. I told them I don't have drug coverage and they cut it down to half of what they were asking but still 2 x's what I pay now.

A small independent pharmacy gave me a price that's a quarter of what CVS first wanted and half of their second offer.

If you had diabetes, would you feel ashamed that you had to take insulin?

Thanks Liese - I guess I feel at my age I should be able to just so enough already and get on with things. Ya know like so what if you have these feelings? Deal with it. get on with your life. Everyone has them and they are going on with their lives, why can't you? Why do you need to talk to someone all the time? Why do you even have to talk about this stuff anymore?

Just my brain talking.

As for the meds, I use Target and they are pretty cheap but between the 3 of them it gets costly for the month.

I absolutely hate the reference to Diabetes. Nothing to do with you saying it - just that everyone says it and it is totally different. there is no shame in having diabetes or cancer. there is tons of shame in taking meds for your head. just me.

Smiley, I'm sorry you're feeling like therapy isn't doing you any good and that you can't see the point in continuing BUT I agree with Liese (and others) when she asks, do you really need to justify yourself going to talk over things with a T, especially a T whom you've known for so many years and who therefore knows so much about you and your life.

Would you question the wisdom or use of continuing to see an old friend with whom you feel comfortable talking about serious issues? It's practically the same, as it seems more like your fears and doubts creeping in here than that your T has been making 'isn't it time you got better' noises. If she isn't telling you it's time to finish, then chances are she thinks you're not ready to finish. Or not?

Coming off the meds might or might not be a good idea, I don't know. I do know that I would rather be off meds than on regardless of how helpful they might be, but only you know how much worse you might get off the meds. Maybe it's not a bad experiment what you're doing at the moment, to give you a sense of how much or how little you actually do need to be on the meds, and what it is like to be living without them. There is nothing stopping you going back on them if you need to, and maybe this 'experiment' is what you need to convince you one way or the other.

I just hope you stay aware enough to catch yourself if you start sliding back into the constant SU thinking and get yourself help before that takes over. Life may not feel all fine and peachy keen for you at the moment but I have to say that I can see quite a difference in you compared to only months ago - which says to me, an outsider only viewing what you reveal on forum admittedly, that things ARE getting better for you, even if only in small ways. And if that's so, then chances are things could keep on getting better, maybe even without you noticing.

Well that's me trying to give you a pep talk, feel free to pour scorn on it all, even to me it sounds a tad pollyanna-ish, sorry about that

Hope you do let yourself keep on seeing T though ((((( Smiley ))))))

LL

LL you're funny! I don't think I'm trying to justify seeing a t, just all the other stuff. I know where it all comes from and I think I've accepted that. I guess I'm just upset that these things are still so present in my head after all this time. I understand that there are alot of triggers for me in my life and I try to work through them. I guess I do but it just never stops. I guess that is what makes me think that therapy is not necessarily working. I know it is to some degree and I guess I should think positive about that.

The meds are a different story. I am watching myself. I am starting to feel the absence of them in my system. I will be on top of it. Thanks for the pep talk. Not pollyanish at all lol

Thanks Blue!