(((UMC))

What happened? You can tell us.

....

yep, my T said the same thing. the attachment's not real. it's just an illlusion. i guess if you think about it long enough, it makes sense. therapy is an arena for your thoughts and feelings and existence. it is indeed a play space. choose well in how you decide to "play". it might sound grim, but in the end we all know it's just a professional relationship. right?
((( unmotheredchild ))) be well. please post here. you'll get some really good support.

I'm sorry UMC...You are not evil at all and deserve a real relationship with a T. It seems to me that your T does not understand attachment and what your needs are. I hope you are able to discuss this with your T further and find out what she really means by what she said to you. Can you give us more details?

I just want to say that I do not believe that therapy is an illusion and that the attachment is a fantasy or fake in any way. T's are human and they have feelings too and it would be very difficult for them to see someone each week or twice a week and remain totally detached from that person who engages in a truly intimate relationship with them. My T has told me that our attachment is real. That, yes, I am attached to him and he is attached to me too and that is what keeps me safe with him. If he hurt me, he would also be hurting himself. He does say that while the attachment is way more intense for me (because I'm healing an attachment injury and have suffered deprivation) it is still quite real on his side of the room. And he reminds me that where there is this deeply felt attachment and intense relationship, there is also love.

That is my view on the therapeutic relationship. I believe it's real (although confined to the therapy room by necessity) and it is the relationship that heals.

Hugs
TN

I kind of agree with TN on this one. Even though there is something very fake and contrived about the therapeutic setting, the people in the room are real and I think there is a genuine connection that develops, or can.

T has told me several times that our relationship is real and I believe her. At the same time, I know on my side at least there are elements of fantasy and illusion blended in. I don't always see T as she is. My perception of her can be distorted by the needs, fears, desires, or memories that come and go in the course of treatment. Sometimes that is useful. Illusion doesn't have to be a bad thing, I think. Maybe it depends on what is behind the illusion? i.e. a basically safe person who cares about you and means well but has her limits vs someone with a level of indifference or masked hostility that is dangerous.

Hope this makes some sense. . . and hope you are doing okay, UMC! Post more if you think it will help; that's what the forum is for.

(((UMC)))
Make that 4!! Have to agree with TN, HiC and Poppet here. My T too has said to me that of course the relationship is real; the feelings that go with it are real. It is that real relationship between client and T that IS the healing.

HiC is spot on in that those feelings and thoughts sometimes get distorted by our needs at the time; I know mine do!, but they're still real. The therapeutic setting might not be 'real life', as such, but what goes on and is felt in that setting is very real indeed in my view.

Please post again if you think it will help you.

AV.

I am not buying all this stuff! Maybe because i am going through some tough stuff with T - but I don't feel the realness of it. I gave T a big lecture about her creating an illusion to fool me and so that I have to buy into it. Bit like the tooth fairy.

You all must have had good weeks with your T's this week.

Signed
Cynical, jaded, rejected, angry Somedays.

I feel for you very much, and you should never blame yourself for what happened. My mother was killed when I was one, and the aunt I accepted as second mommy abandoned me when I was 2. It made me a mess, and I got into therapy at age 30. All those feelings about love and fear of losing went onto my T. Therapists need to respect this and not be too rough. If I could help any, I would say try to get the courage to read some books or on-line about the Transference Relationship between patient and therapist. That is how I got over my scarey, terrible feelings, tho certainly was not easy. I hope the best for you!

And, yes, I too have that song by Bonnie Tyler on my MP3 player, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"