This is really long but I`ve been quiet this week because I`ve been processing so much and I wanted to share it with people who understand. So if you want to hear a lot of details about my session read on.

My week has been difficult generally because my husband is out of town for work and I'm alone with my 3 children. I've been worried about my eldest daughter for a variety of reasons relating to food intake, exercise, insomnia etc. My doctor (MD) suggested that I have her assessed for mood disorders and ADHD (related to school issues). During monday's session I talked to my T about it and realized how responsible I feel for my daughter's problems.

Eventually my T asked me how I was feeling about our conversation last week about my appearance during childhood and how my family treated me. I told him I was sad and he kept asking questions I couldn't answer. By the end of the session I was so upset. I hate when I can't talk. I feel alone and so damaged. When I left I called him from my car and he answered the phone and when I started talking we got disconnected and I thought he hung up. Over the next 24 hours I just spun out and left 3 voice mails and sent an email. I told him it wasn`t working I was cancelling my session on Wednesday, it hurt too much and was too difficult. When he called back he explained the line was dead and we talked about how I felt like I was stuck and not improving. He told me I was stuck for the moment and things had changed in the past and would again.

Last night I went to my sesssion and it was such a weird conversation. My T talked a lot because I wouldn`t talk. We talked a lot about intense feelings. I always feel like intensity is overwhelming and out of control and I try to avoid it. He told me some people actually choose intense situations. He told me he thinks that since my emotional systems was always activated so I try and avoid intensity.

Then we talked about the connection between us. He asked me if I felt like he withdrew from me when I felt overwhelmed and intensity. I couldn`t answer but I asked him why he asked. He told me that he thinks that I put up a wall and try and protect myself when I feel overwhelmed and he thinks that I would feel less connected or at least less positive connection with him. He pointed out that I start to feel like he doesn`t like me and he hung up on me, or that he is disgusted by me when that happens.

Even though he really knows me I felt so hopeless, like we know what the problem is but I can`t fix it. He told me I had to accept where I was and have some sympathy for myself before I could find any room to do something different. I find that so hard. It seems like I keep doing the same thing, getting stuck, overreacting, being too needy, and I don`t get better. He told me that this is what happens when I feel that way I don`t realize he is trying to empathisize and connect with me and I feel alone. I said I knew he was trying and he said you know it intellectually not experientially.

It might have been the most intense session I`ve had in three years of therapy. I also feel like I didn`t understand what he was saying at so many points and that I can`t remember what I did understand. I`m so grateful that I have a recording of the session so I can listen to it again. I was so tired after the session I went home and slept really well.

This morning I called my T to tell him what I wrote in the Say Anything thread. I admitted that I feel like I am used to being alone with my feelings and pain and now sometimes I`m not so it scares me when we have a session and I can`t talk like Monday. I also admitted that I can`t imagine not talking to him anymore and that freaks me out because if he can`t understand me or gets tired of trying then what happens (or retires). He said he understood I was stuck between two states, being alone and talking to him and sharing myself and it was moving slowly. I said what if I get used to talking to you and then I`m stuck like that. He said that it didn`t work that way and the need would change over time. When I asked how he knew that he said he`s seen it happen with his older children (in their 20s) who don`t need him the same way they used to and his clients. I said your children are not like your clients. He said no but it works in a similar way.

He said I`ll see you Monday and I said yes. Afterwards I realized I felt like he didn`t understand me. I don`t think he realizes how attached I am and how much he means me. Then I realized I think he doesn`t understand because he doesn`t respond the way I expect because he isn`t upset or angry or quitting on me. I think on Monday I`m going to try and talk about it more again and watch his reaction. I hope I can lean into the intensity.