Hi BLT.

I don't know if I can put into words how much I relate to this post. Isn't it strange how you can go through such hard work in therapy, wanting desperately to see some change, and then when it happens (even a faint hint of change), it's--scary? UNwanted? disturbing? I mean, I never signed up to become a "weepy" person, but now here I am actually caring about my relationships? What--wait--what's happening to me???

But a few weeks ago, I was wishing I could "go back," and then I had a rupture with T and almost instantly did go back to numb. And now...knowing what I've lost in feeling, numb isn't nearly as good as it used to be. FWIW.

RabbitEars

BLT,
Also FWIW.
I had a family member that was absolutely miserable w/ herself for over 10 yrs bec of obesity. Last yr she decided on some surgery & has lost over 120lbs. You know what? She's still miserable.
I don't think "you" have changed, but the way you approach "you" is different & feels wrong...but you are still there. If you peel an onion you have a very good chance knowing the next layer will be onion. Say hello to that "you"& invite it in. I'm not sure if this made any sense @ all.
You've done so much great work...you deserve to be happy w/ yourself
Again FWIW
Mud

BLT what a timely post.
Yesterday I had an insane (but very important) and full on 3hr exam.
After it was over, I walked from the venue to T's office (about 40 mins) for a session and was deliriously tired throughout it and all I wanted was a cup of tea and for him to drive me home. Both I knew were completely off limits, but I knew a cup of tea and hugs from DH would be waiting for me when I got home. And although part of myself was angry T wouldn't budge on those two desires I had, I still felt incredibly cared for. To be angry at someone and fully aware of how much they care for you is so unusual for me and is evidence of how I'm changing at a fundamental level but it is very scary. There is a pull to wanting to go back to how things were but then I think about how miserable and lonely I felt and I know moving forwards is a better option even though it feels weird and threatening at times xx

I just saw T yesterday and it was kind of horrible.

It was OK at first, then somehow I brought up that in a month I will have been seeing T for a year and a half, and it felt too long for me. T started going off on how I had one a lot of work, and had different options like stopping, continuing, taking a break, blah blah... I finally told her that the one thing that was on my mind was the only thing she wasn't talking about. There was a pause and then she said "you are talking about the relational aspects." I said yes, that I didn't know how to untangle whatever work I actually had left to do with simply not wanting to say goodbye to her. She said a way to start is to just acknowledge those feelings are there, that we have care for each other and it's something that happens because of the reparative work we have been doing. She said this doesn't come up with all her clients because maybe they just have a problem they want solved and they are out of there before any of this comes up.

I told her I felt like she was way ahead of me because I couldn't yet fully accept those feelings. I said part of me still felt like I had done something wrong to be feeling how I felt. She asked something about what I thought I had done wrong or what I thought should be different. I was thinking that I had done something wrong to be wishing we could have a relationship after therapy when she might not do that, and that I should be able to just leave without having such strong feelings, but I couldn't say any of it. My brain was zoning out a lot, and I told her that. She asked me to put my feet on the floor to ground myself but I wouldn't do it. I told her if I did that I'd probably just get up and walk out.

At some point I started crying. She didn't know why and said it seemed like I might be discharging something. I said no and finally managed to say that I felt ashamed to admit it, but it was setting in for parts of me that I really wasn't going to be able to keep her. She said something like "you mean that I can't be with you all the time?" That made me angry to be accused of thinking that and I was like "No, just that you might not always be in my life." She said yeah she wouldn't always be in my life but why was I even thinking about this now, when I wouldn't necessarily be feeling the same way about it when it actually happened. That just made me cry more. Then she said "I am here now. I am not going anywhere." Unfortunately "I'm not going anywhere" happens to be something oldT said verbatim only a few weeks before I ended up leaving with her encouragement after a huge rupture.

At this point I was still sobbing, then I looked down at my watch at saw our session was already 15 minutes over and T hadn't said anything about the time, not to mention this was the beginning of a three-week break due to me being out of town. I was doing everything I could to just stop crying. T asked me if there was anything I needed. I said no. Then she asked me if there was anything I wanted to take with me over the break. That felt insulting at the moment since I was already angry at her and I said no. Then she asked if I would email her if things became clearer to me. I said "I feel like everything you are saying right now is making this worse." She said, "Yes that is what I am hoping you can help me understand." Then I basically bolted out of the room and cried in her bathroom for a while. It took me almost an hour there and in the parking lot before I managed to collect myself enough to drive home. I felt like she had dropped me on my a** by watching me sob and telling me why she thought I shouldn't feel that way. I was so angry I felt like throwing rocks at her window.

T emailed me a few hours later to say she was concerned after the abrupt ending and wanted to check in. I guess that helped because I know she does still care. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though. I'm just having massive internal conflict and indecision about the issue of how and when to end and it seems like she's not helping. To illustrate the point, last night I dreamed I was hiding from the Terminator, then wondering if I should get a waffle iron. OK, so I'm waffling and I'm afraid of termination...I GET IT, UNCONSCIOUS! But I don't even know yet what else might all be behind this and I feel too overwhelmed and internally polarized to sort it all out.

Anyway, I just wanted to write it all out in case it helped me at all. Thank you RE, mudd, and GE for the responses.

Just trying to sort through the internal pile-up going on and here is the parts that are involved that I can identify so far.

1. The part that feels morally guilty for receiving "too much" therapy paid for by insurance for a diagnosis both T and myself don't really think I have.

2. The child parts that still are attached to T, and/or have an agenda of stuff they still want to work out with her.

3. The more adult part of me that likes T as a person and wishes we could be friends in some way after therapy. This part is also afraid that the more child stuff I discuss and work out with T, the less chance I have of ever having a friendship with her later, because she will judge me for all that weird regressive stuff or else it will just make things too incredibly weird between us.

4. The part that is sick of driving half an hour to therapy each way every week.

5. The part that is sick of debating over this and just wants to be done with therapy so I can stop thinking about it.

6. The part that is concerned that I may still need some support for a while to maintain my equilibrium emotionally.

That's all I've got so far...

BLT,

quote:

That made me angry to be accused of thinking that and I was like "No, just that you might not always be in my life."

quote:

That felt insulting at the moment since I was already angry at her and I said no.

The part of you that dislikes feeling dependent and also dislikes anyone knowing about it?

quote:

The part of you that dislikes feeling dependent and also dislikes anyone knowing about it?

Yeah...probably!

quote:

I was thinking that I had done something wrong to be wishing we could have a relationship after therapy when she might not do that, and that I should be able to just leave without having such strong feelings

(((BLT)))
oh, i totally get that! like, WHY did i allow you to become SO important to me?!? shame on me! i can never rely on somebody else for anything, i am self-sufficient!

the thing is, we DO develop very strong attachments to our Ts, and it IS very scary to think of living life without them. and maybe we hate them for that. it's all such painful stuff. i'm thinking about you.