Hi SB and welcome to the Board. I'm glad you joined and posted. I think writing here and getting support will help you through the wait for the next appointment each week.

I think you were in "reporter" mode when you were talking about what happened to you. That is... you just recounted the situation without allowing your emotions to surface. In order to actually process the trauma you will need to work towards talking about what happened while experiencing the emotional part of the trauma so that it gets processed and stored in the part of the brain that processed memories go. When we are traumatized our memory gets stored in the brain without being processed and so it comes back to haunt us in flashbacks, or anxiety or depression or other ways that negatively impact our lives. This is not an easy thing to do. I have only began to add emotions to the telling of my past traumas. This takes time and talking about it over and over again in various ways, like peeling an onion. Don't be hard on yourself. You are only in therapy a few months.

I also get physically cold at times... I actually can shiver uncontrollably. My T tells me that is the trauma being released from my body. As for leaving my sessions.... I dissociate often (don't remember, blank out, etc). Do you know anything about "dissociation"? T and I have worked on having me be more grounded and present when I leave sessions so I can keep him with me.

I'm sorry you cannot contact your T out of session because that can be very helpful. I think you should ask your T what you can do to manage between sessions. What can she suggest so you can contain the trauma until next time? Writing here my be a part of helping you stay close to T and to contain the memories. This is worth discussing with your T.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

TN

Thanks both of yous.

Smilingpenguin: Hi

The T explained at that start that it wasn't time limited - but that the expectation is that it doesn't stretch to years - or questions would be asked. I know there will be a review at 6mths and that a second 6mths can be offered. So, I have to think within that kind of time frame.

I've had previous experience (I would write 'help' but on the whole there wasn't any actual help) from the NHS. I did have counselling a few years ago, but it was stopped abruptly and that was really really awful. I was in a complete mess and eventually got seen by a psychiatrist and diagnosed with complex PTSD. I am dissociative - and I can't control it very well. I do recognise it happening these days, which is progress of sorts I guess. The pysch said 6 weeks CBT wouldn't help, sent me for assessment and they recommended 6 weeks CBT (in direct contradictionn to the psych advice). I didn't go - had enough of being passed round the system by then.

You are so right about checking out. I check out so fast. I do say so. I suddenly realise that I am talking, but have no feelings - and I say that I don't. She just says its protective mechanisms. Sometimes I stay checked out for hours or days afterwards. Sometimes feelings hit me the minute I leave her office - then I am a complete state in the ladies toliets - which is quite frightening and somehow reinforces the loneliness. When that happens I do tell her the next session. She hasn't made any suggestion about how to cope with that, other than not to drive until I'm ok (not really possible if it takes 3 days to come too after a session!). Like you I go someplace in my head often - and like you end up in a complete fug afterwards. I guess I am meant to ground myself somehow?

The sessions seem to end abruptly. The T has commented that she feels bad putting me out at the end of the hour. If feelings catch up with my in the room - I still have to leave - even if I'm crying. So, the last few sessions I've just been numb. It's too hard to leave feeling stuff. She has been working at RC for 8 years - so must have meet a lot of survivors - I'm guessing how I am isn't unusual. Your open and honest reply to me has helped loads Pengs - I'm not alone being this way.

Hope all is well with you. Thanks again.


TN: thanks for your welcome. Yes, absolutely I was in reporter mode. I was trying to talk about things I cant normally talk about. I have no idea how to process it - it all feels like it happened to someone else who is me and not me if that makes sense. Different stuff happened to different bits of me, that are not me-now. I know I have feelings about it as those feelings sometimes hit like a tsunami and overwhelm me (but not in therapy sessions). I've very dissociative - I try to keep this hidden - even in therapy. I have 'reported' how this is for me - but I dont want her to see. I worry I will chucked out of therapy (again) if any of it shows. Not that this is why the previous NHS therapy ended - it was just decided my stuff was too complicated for primary care and I was referred to secondary care who decided I was ok - until I ended up in psychiatry... who then re-referred me for unsuitable short-term CBT. Scary. Makes me very, very nervous of letting anyone see.

It's no good just reporting stuff though.

Don't know what to do to be honest.

SB

H SB and welcome,

I just wanted to chip in and say I found talking about any details really difficult in session - I sometimes would revert to Reporter mode, often at Ts suggestion - just to get certain words or phrases said and 'out there', but then the feelings would come a bit later and we had to work on those really slowly as they are the things that I can't manage so well. I wonder if you need to slow down a bit, so you don't have to say so much, but maybe process more the things you have said, so as it doesn't feel so big and overwhelming and left up in the air between sessions. I really empathise with you, there are things I still haven't told T after many many years, because I still worry about the effect on me from the fall out of saying those words

I am glad you can be honest with T and tell her how you feel during and after sessions, I am sorry it's so hard, this is brave and difficult work

starfishy

Thanks Starfish,

This is the first session where I said much. And yes, I went too fast

Thanks starfish. I will tell T at the next session that I was numb (and still am) about what I said. That I have no feelings I can access has left me worrying I'm a liar - must have made it up if I dont feel anything.

Hi SP - The don't drive thing is impossible. The place I get help is a 75 minute drive from home!!! There is only so long I can hang about the town before I have to drive back. And, actually, when I left really triggered I couldn't stay outside - and ran back to my car... this is not ideal. I feel embarrassed to ask her to help me get grounded before I leave - she has never suggested this. Not sure about telling her how to do her job. I think what is actually happening is that I zone out to avoid a tearful leaving. I've become increasingly unemotional over the weeks as I had a couple of weeks awful reactions to sessions and since then I'm switched off. Not ideal either.