***Minor triggers - references only to past SU/SI thoughts, intimacy issues, etc.***

Hey all. I've been wanting to do a therapy update for quite a while, but I really can't think of what to say. Everything feels really intangible right now, as I've said elsewhere...hard to describe. I guess I could go topically.

Things at home are more stable. H has been more understanding of my needs and is voluntarily avoiding intimacy while I'm processing stuff that makes it very difficult. He's feeling really disconnected as a result, so I've been making a real effort to connect in other ways, just simply spending time together, other physical affection, etc. Boo is having fun at school, some hard partings with separation anxiety, but they say she falls into her little routine really quickly once I leave. Other than being really sick the last week or so, I am getting more accomplished and preparing to take on a temporary job during my friend's maternity leave (which unfortunately, may restrict my access to therapy sessions for a while).

It still takes me about half a session for parts to be enough on the surface for T to work with them, so it's often slow going. T is really good with them when they're out, sitting close with Little Yaku and holding her hand when she is sharing very hard stuff (mostly images and body memories). Several weeks ago, she actually popped out and talked and said who hurt her and how she was threatened and for a couple weeks after that, it felt (to her) like a memory, not something she was currently experiencing, and to me like it was true. But, it kind of faded or I gave it back to her, so it didn't stay with me and we are going through all those memories (and more) again, abreacting. It can get pretty distressing and exhausting, but the trust is building, because she is reaching out to T on her own. Kind of embarrassing to come back to myself realizing that at some point, she has grabbed T's hand and started squeezing it really tight, but T is very sweet about it, of course. It's really hard to share parts stuff on here, because I feel like I sound ridiculous and always think maybe I come off as a liar. One session the body memories were so bad that I yelped and she whimpered and threw the stuffed animals we bring and hid in a corner. That is the type of stuff I'm dealing with right now and I'm very lucky to have a T who is unphased.

My biggest struggle right now is working through all this internal invalidation. It is a real hindrance to therapy, because it gets to the point where even things I know cognitively to be true (like recent memories, my own current feelings, my own needs) feel like they are false or lies or manipulations. So, it is insanely hard to integrate any of the things my parts are sharing with me and hard to accept my T's time/care, because I feel like my need for his help isn't real. So, I've been making a real effort to label anytime that invalidating "voice" asserts itself and T and I talk it through together. I'd say at least 75% of it centers around that I am either making up this bad stuff my parts share (because nothing bad ever happened to me) or I am making up the parts themselves.

I recently brought out my old binder of poetry written from around 13 to 18 and found a lot of poems in there, only some of which I remember. Many of the poems referenced different pieces, fragments, moments, lives of myself that are different than me, images of little children and older women (both of which correspond to current parts), memories that I wasn't sure whether they belonged to me or another me, voices inside, and even early descriptions of body memories that are now linked to specific events parts are sharing. I didn't remember ever conceptualizing or knowing these things before now, except I remember having voices back then and thought it was normal. Some of the poems, like I said, I remember. Others, it's like I didn't even write them and if I hadn't reread them when I compiled them at 18, they would have probably been completely unfamiliar. Intellectually, that makes sense as I had a really sudden personality shift around 17-18 and most of the poems were written before that when I felt all the time like a certain part inside always feels (where most the SU/SI stuff comes from).

You would think finding something like this would be confirming, relieving. First, it terrified me. Then, I thought, "Maybe I'm not lying about all this stuff." An instant later, "I must be making this all up." I thought, well, maybe I was making it up for attention back then." That doesn't make sense as I had no idea about dissociation or parts or psychology at all and I still have never taken a class. So then, I thought, you are just reading what you want into some teen girl's attempt to be deep, to use metaphor to describe her sense of alientation. So, it doesn't seem to matter how things seem to make sense, I go straight to denial as defense. I get a lot of the reasons behind it, but it is exhausting. T is very good about slowing me down always trying to make sense with things, but sitting with the conflict is exhausting. Nearly every time I see my FOO (which is still pretty often), the invalidation escalates for a few days. I saw an older sister and younger sister yesterday and came out convinced for a few hours that nothing is wrong with me and I shouldn't even be in therapy...

My sessions were pretty regular for a while, but T's schedule has gone insane and I have gotten busy, so now I can't get sessions at the same day/time. T really prefers to offer me the double-sessions, as it takes so long for the parts to open up, but he can't do those at night and I am having trouble finding time during the day. The phone sessions are also nearly useless for anything but administrative stuff and connecting. I've started to push back on the scheduling. I may be shooting myself in the foot, but protective parts have decided that we can't put so many time slots on hold until T figures out where I will fit every single week. We kind of had a big rupture on this topic last week, but it worked out OK. I am willing to accept less time (1.5 hours) if I can get times of day that work better for me. And, if two in-person sessions don't work out and I can't make the phone call, I will muddle through. It won't feel good, but I feel like I can survive, function, during this busy period, so I should try. I know it's kind of a replay of stubborn independence in the face of lacking consistency, but I'm OK with that. It's a season we're in where both T and I have more obligations and we both trust God that things will be OK if sessions don't work out. I guess it is an indication of stability that I don't feel panicked by the fact that he couldn't make Wednesday night work this week and I most likely cannot do our Friday.

T has been a lot more consistent on the texting thing. I've gotten better at identifying when I need replies too. He holds hands with the child parts via text, kind of a reminder to them that the connection exists outside of session, even when they can't see him in person. It was actually his idea. He says the idea is for them to internalize the connection (like how Little Yaku took inside the blanket that T put on her during a session) and eventually also have God inside too (visualizing it as T and the kids and God all being connected together). So, I know the hand-holding stuff won't be forever, which is simultaneously good (I feel like I'll "grow up" and won't always need this current level of support) and bad ("No, no, no! I don't want to let go! There will never be a time when I don't need T!").

Anyway, so I am having a lot of back and forth with the little kids getting really close for a while and then older ones stomping their feet and yelling, "I'm big already! I don't need ANYTHING from you! Go away!" Lots of fun for my T, I'm sure, but he is steady, so it will be OK. Just no fun for me to experience.

The hardest thing I think I'm going to have to deal with in the near future is one of my more avoidant parts apparently has some trauma related to some bad stuff by basically the closest thing the younger parts had as an attachment figure. I don't know if the intention was bad (it could have been protective/misguided), but the actions themselves are really destructive and (logically) make a lot of sense and explain so much, but am still having a hard time reconciling different parts having such divergent feelings about the same person.

Hrm, what else? Oh, driving has been consistently safe, which was a worry for a while. It seems like since getting parts out in the open, the distress level has decreased and I am less likely to blank out anywhere other than therapy, although I still have my H telling me I said or did or agreed to stuff I have absolutely no memory of from time to time. I battle back and forth between believing him and doing what I used to do, which is just assume he misremembered or (in the case of other family members) is manipulating me. But, not so much in the way of scary dissociation stuff lately. I think it's because therapy is stable and my stress level has been fairly low, but we are coming up on the holidays, my birthday and then the anniversary of when the incident happened two years ago...so, add that to working more and doing memory/parts work in therapy and I kind of feel like I'm in the calm before the storm here. And, it isn't even that nice of a calm...

But, overall, I feel like I'm doing really well, maybe better than I have been since starting therapy. Kind of like that phase one groundwork has been laid and it's pretty safe where we're at. Wow, for not feeling like I had much to say, I sure wrote a lot of nothing. I don't know if I'll be able to leave it up or if it will cause all sorts of ridiculous projections and then PAD-deletion, but I have had a few people express wanting to hear where things are at, so I'll put it out there for as long as I can and see if it feels safe to leave it up or not.