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11 replies

Therapy - what kind am I doing now?

I incognitoMember
I went to my third session in the last week. Wednesday night which was awful. Friday morning which was better and then this morning.

On Friday, I discussed with him the difficulty I have in keeping a sense of him between my sessions. After a few days, I have trouble feeling connected and I start to worry that he is tired of me, frustrated, etc. Actually this disconnect was so severe that after 6 months of seeing him weekly, I was still surprised by his appearance every time he came out of his office. When I tried to describe his appearance to my husband, I could only get out the general, average height, medium build, older than me, losing his hair with it cut very short. No idea what colour his hair was, if he had glasses, facial hair. It was weird.

So I sent him an email before this session where I asked him if I could record the session so I could listen to it later in the week to help me remember what was said and how he said it. I also asked for a book recommendation on attachment theory.

Today, we talked about strategies for surviving Christmas with my FOO and then about my email. To my surprise he had no problems with me recording the session but said he would want to discuss it to see if it was helping or not. When it came to the book, he told me he didn't think it was helpful to read about attachment theory and it would just allow me to make myself wrong or deficient for my attachment style. When I told his his saying that made me feel deficient he clarified that he didn't think attachment theory was particularly helpful for anyone even him in the time he spent in therapy. He thought I didn't need an intellectual understanding of things but instead a workbook with exercises relating to anxiety issues.

Then he lent me his copy of "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris (I asked about this in the science of psychology forum). The book is a popularized version of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) which is a mindfulness based therapy which proposes that feelings and thoughts occur and that rather than trying to change them one should learn to accept them. I'm fumbling with the description here but I haven't read the book yet. Smiler I have mixed emotions here. I'm feeling happy he lent me his book. I like having something of his over the break. But I also feel like he is changing therapeutic modalities on me. Like we are now going to be doing CBT. Actually, he has been quite clear and careful to not be pinned down to any therapeutic style before.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit off balance and have to wait 2 weeks to see him again. Let me know if you have any thoughts.
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wynnewynneMember
Well, I can imagine that it feels like a shift. I'm not sure how I'd feel about a work...workbook? Exercises? That does kinda sound like the bits of CBT that I personally don't like. It's like being in school, y'know? And I -like- school.

And I get what you're saying when you say he said (*headspin*)
quote:
it would just allow me to make myself wrong or deficient for my attachment style.
. I worry about this a lot; will the theory that my newT uses 'make' me bad? It's such a weird and complicated area.

I imagine that you're feeling really confused? I'd be really confused, like a rug's been pulled out. Except that he was denying there was a rug. Kinda. Or at least that it was a particular -kind- of rug. But it feels like there's been yanking!

That may not have made sense, incognito. But I think it sounds like a very confusing kind of switching/movement.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi incognito...I can certainly understand you feeling off balance here. I would never want to criticize anyone's T...but for me personally...I would not want to do CBT. My T would not really commit to what modality he uses beyond eclectic which I told him was a cop out LOL. He is basically psychodynamic with some behavioral aspects and from what I can gather humanistic as well. This is what I wanted in a T. He told me that he does not like or use CBT. I told him I don't want homework. I want to talk and explore my past and put pieces together to explain who I am. I originally went to therapy for GAD (anxiety) and ended up realizing it all stems from my disorganized attachment as a child. It was as if a light went on for me. When you T says he does not want you to allow you to make yourself wrong or deficient for your attachment style I'm not sure what he means except he thinks you will bend yourself into unsecure attachment symptoms to make yourself fit the definition?? I'm not sure that would be possible. Either you are or you are not...it's not something you make yourself into... at least that I can tell.

I think it's interesting that so many on here are taping sessions. I sometimes find it difficult to remember all that my T said or how the session went down because I'm so emotional and activated I feel like my brain is not able to take it all in. But I am acutely aware of how my T looks down to the color socks he wears and if he has a different watch on that day.

It's nice that he loaned you a book, if only to have something to hold onto during break. It sounds interesting but I have never heard of it. Let us know what you think. If you want to read about Attachment Theory I would recommend Attachment and Psychotherapy by David Wallin. It's the most comprehensive book out there (it's on Amazon) on attachment theory and applying it to psychotherapy. It's not easy reading but not terribly hard either. I am reading it now and find it fascinating.

I would say give the CBT a try since you seem to trust and value your T. If you are not feeling good about it then tell him and see what he has to say. Sorry I'm not more help.

TN
I incognitoMember
thanks for your thoughts TN and Wynne. I am feeling pretty confused and it seems like I've just spent 2 weeks discussing my feelings about him, my attachment and dependence on my T, and now he suggests this. It would have been a lot easier to say I don't want to do CBT at the beginning of my relationship.

I'm interested TN that you are so aware of your therapist because I know I was having a difficult time picturing him and that is unusual for me. I thought that might be related to to my attachment problems. I may look up Attachment and Psychotherapy. After all, I can read the book he suggested as well.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Actually, incognito, I think my early abuse has made me hypervigilant and so I notice every little thing about my T. I need to "read" people by their facial expressions and body language as well as their words. Any little nuance that seems threatening to me and the WALL goes up and I shut down and run and hide. I had to do this to survive as a child and it has carried into adulthood out of years of ingrained habit. Aside from that I think my T is adorable and I love looking at him just for the joy of it... trying to take in that he is actually sitting there with me and looking so interested in what I'm saying. Big Grin
I incognitoMember
thanks for your comments HB

I'm so glad to hear your CBT therapist is okay with you not doing homework because I think that is my biggest block. I think mindfulness is a useful thing and have tried to incorporate things I read about into my life but I'm not good with the idea that I am going to spend 30 minutes a day doing anything.

I also really appreciate your thoughts. I'm feeling quite lost with T. My sessions seem to be flipping between him being understanding and me feeling hopeful and then me thinking he wants me to do something I can't do and then he'll terminate me if I don't or some other rupture. Now I have 2 weeks before I can talk to him again and that seems so long.

Christmas is also overwhelming me. I'm going to see my brother (who sexually abused me as a child) for the first time since I started seeing my T tonight and tomorrow. I hope after the holidays I can calm down and find a way to work with T without thinking he is always switching things around on me and trying to get rid of me.

I hope everyone has a better holiday than me.
puppylover 2puppylover 2Member
Ingognito

Hopefully you can find something with this season to get your mind off the scary stuff and give yourself a break from it all. I know, easier said than done. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself too.

I know the feeling that your T will dump you for something you didn't do "right." Trust me, he won't. You will feel better though if you ask him to remind you of this often. It takes a while to really, really believe it. I'm not there yet either, but it gives me hope when I read posts of others who have arrived at that place.

I hope your visit with family goes well. We are all here if you need us. You are holding us up too!

PL
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Incognito I really don't think your T is trying to get rid of you at all. I just think he's trying some things that he believes will be of more help to you. Sometimes T's try different things when they feel it will be a better fit after they come to know you better. It's hard for them to decide how to treat at first when they don't know a lot about you or what makes you tick.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling with Christmas this year and seeing your brother. Have you talked to your T about this? Remember we are all here and you can vent here if things get overwhelming. I'll be checking in during the holidays. Stay strong!!

TN
russrussMember
quote:
Originally posted by True North:
I sometimes find it difficult to remember all that my T said or how the session went down because I'm so emotional and activated I feel like my brain is not able to take it all in.


Me too! I think my forgetting what we discussed in a session is just another form of my resistance (I have MANY MANY forms of resistance :] ).

Incognito, I agree with your T than an intellectual understanding of things is not what you need, but maybe you need to clarify with him what his idea is about the workbook. The fact that this gives you mixed feelings is a good sign I think. It means you have an idea of what works for you and what doesn't. On the other hand, reading something about acceptance is not a bad thing. In my experience, trying to change feelings and thoughts once they're out of the bag is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Better to accept their existance (as painful and frightening as this can be) and then address them and identify the emotion behind them.

Missing sessions during the holiday is really really hard. I'm actually spending Christmas basically alone this year (for various reasons) and it's been very difficult...vague but intense feelings of loneliness and feeling disconnected, among other things, and I find myself not being able to do much else but to experience these feelings, accept them and - usually - end up sobbing for a while.

You're not alone.
Russ
justme 2justme 2Member
quote:
Originally posted by Russ:
You're not alone.

Neither are you Russ, neither are you. We are all here with you.

I am sorry you are spending the holidays alone and I am sure that is very lonely and disconnecting feeling. Iknow that disconnected feeling. I get it too this time of year whether I'm with people or not. Hang in there friend.
wynnewynneMember
Russ,

I'm sorry you're alone for the holidays, particularly if it isn't completely your choice. We can be lonely in a crowded room too, but I know it's somehow just not the same. We're here, we're listening.

Also? I got a serious giggle about thinking about how I could _possibly_ but toothpaste back inna tube (I'm like that. Smiler )

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