These comments are SO invalidating. I don't understand.

forgetmenotMember

So BPD person number two says to me (not on here btw) that a good therapist wouldn't allow they're client to attach to them...that attachment is not good in therapy.

It really makes my feelings invalidated when people say that.

But I must admit, it makes me doubt things sometimes.

Mainly though, I've read the theory behind therapy transference. To me it is the neurosis that exists and comes forth from the inner child onto the therapist which mimics what insecurity there has been in early life.

I just get worried because maybe in my case or maybe in some cases there is some credibility going against transference. Maybe its about trying to find the reasons why it happens and do I will it to happen because I want to be so dependent?

You see, I don't think I will it to happen. I'm not a goddam masochist. Whatever came from the subconscious came, was strong and left me feeling all sorts of things I'd rather not feel.

It's just so invalidating when they say that a good therapist would not allow the client to attach.

I mean...

WHAT?

It seems like such a simple solution to a much more complex issue.

And it seems to become more complex for me because I am confused about my own pathology half the time that I feel guilty one moment about what I'd doing and the actions I'm taking to help me cope in life and then pretty certain that what is going on is okay and needs to be worked through with the aid of a therapist and transference effect.

Thing I get worried is...what is relative to society, to how we attach to people anyway? I mean...don't we all feel like it's a death if someone we love threatens to leave or goes? Even a friend? So, what?

I don't understand the intricate details when it comes to comparing society, how we generally are meant to communicate as human beings and the neurosis of attachment and infancy, types of bonds, sometimes I get worried that I'm fine and that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Other times, I accept the diagnosis.

Most times I'm confused and in between.

Suffice to say, it's been miserable these past 8 months being attached to my therapist like I have.

Is the the infant in me that is screaming out or is it possible that I have an attraction to my therapist somewhat?

What if I bucked up in life and pursued things to keep my mind off of her?

Well...I've quit my uni course, things have gone haywire again. I'm lucky to have a place to stay. Things go haywire all the time which is why I accept my diagnosis.

I just sometimes look at society and become all so philosophical and theorize this, that and the other and then become uncertain as to what mental illness stands for...because when millions of people are on SSRI's but the sense of love, community and life is stained in modern western society, I have to ask, I have to query, how we are perceiving the world to be? Is it really true that a lot of us suffer a serotonin depletion or is it, in fact, the way we live, the way we feel boxed, the way modern society is so incredibly complex that we can either be ignorant and happy or mixed up and comtemplative (which could be a basis, maybe, for a whole load more diagnosis's of personality issues etc. Suddenly the percentage starts to rise!!).

It's all so confusing.

Thoughts? On transference especially?

4/9/125:19 AM

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bltMember

quote:
So BPD person number two says to me (not on here btw) that a good therapist wouldn't allow they're client to attach to them...that attachment is not good in therapy.

How do you "not allow" a client to attach? I think any decent therapist realizes that attachment and transference can't be prevented if they are going to happen. I think the T's who don't want their clients to attach probably just don't want to deal with the issues that are brought up by attachment because they are difficult to deal with. In other words, the T's are lazy. Or maybe they were just indoctrinated to that effect. Or maybe they just didn't bother to learn about attachment and don't understand it. That's my opinion...

4/9/127:09 AM

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forgetmenotMember

Attachment is a normal process of human functioning.

I agree. Any therapist who disagrees with attachment or wills it not to happen is grossly incompetent.

I got a reply from the friend who wrote to me and she said that it's about focusing on yourself, not the attachment to the therapist.

WHAT!?

I sent a letter back saying it is the opposite. You need to recognize the attachment and the dynamic of it to heal.

*sigh*. I'm starting to...get scared of making friends with BPD people. Disagreements ensue so quickly I'm realizing and I'm getting hostile. I'm really sorry to say this to anyone who is diagnosed here. I am too. I'm probably contradicting myself but it's starting to form an annoying pattern that triggers me. Of course, at the end of the day its just emotions but it seems that the emotional intensity of people likewise to myself makes it 100 X worse.

I think I'm just too unstable right now to deal with real intense stuff. It makes me fuming, very angry, very resentful, very hateful lately.

4/9/1210:39 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

FMN,
I think what you're running into is the fact that it can be difficult for a therapist to allow a powerful attachment to continue in therapy while holding clear boundaries, and not implying or promising more than therapy can actually deliver.

I believe that when there had been insecure attachment, a period of dependency is necessary in order to learn secure attachment. But it's a difficult line to walk. I focused a LOT on my relationship with my T and my behaviors in the relationship but the purpose was to get to know myself and my unconscious beliefs. Sometimes the focus could get pulled to making it about my therapist and what I wanted from him. He did an amazing job of being clear that I couldn't get it even while being clear that the longings were normal and healthy and acceptable. But I was there to examine and understand those longings, not to get all of them fulfilled.

And dependency in therapy is, oddly enough

, similar to dependency in real life. All parents go through it. You have to maintain the balance between letting your children depend on you for what they need to, but expect them and encourage them to do for themselves anything they are capable of. Don't allow any dependency and you create a fragile person. Encourage too much dependency and you create a fragile person. Good Ts, like good parents, must learn that delicate balance.

I know that my T has often told me he's a lot better with this stuff now than he was at the beginning of his career.

I think part of what you're running into is that one of the "symptoms" of BDP is a reluctance to take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, the focus is often outward on the 'other.' So clear boundaries are even more crucial with a client with BDP (they're important with everyone). But again, I think you can go too far and confuse really clear boundaries and avoiding a pathological dependency with allowing a healthy, necessary dependency for a time in order to heal.

AG

4/9/1211:02 AM

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lieseMember

((((FMN))))

AG said it so beautifully that I don't have anything to add except to say that hopefully when you feel more secure with yourself, differences of opinion won't throw you so much. That is what's happening with me. Differences of opinion aren't as threatening to my sense of self as much as they used to be. It's a welcome relief.