Oh, Jane! Don't hate you. You are wonderful!!! Insurance companies make me sick. Being told I don't deserve something is one of the most triggering things in the world...because I have always tried to ask for so little, so when even what I truly can admit needing gets refused me, it's like I am worth nothing. I know how you feel. You are valuable. Your T's willingness to work directly with you shows that someone believes that. I believe it. I bet you will get a ton of other people here saying the same thing. I know it can be hard to believe it for yourself, but I hope maybe we can convince you!

(((((JANE))))

That's awful. I can't believe they called you like that. It's unconscionable! Don't let them take all the good from you. Please tell your T.

quote:

ACcept her comment as ignorance and accept yourself as the kick-ass girl we know you are.

I could not have said it any better myself!! I'm sorry that they said such ignorant things to you Jane. (((hugs)))

quote:

ACcept her comment as ignorance and accept yourself as the kick-ass girl we know you are.


I could not have said it any better myself!! I'm sorry that they said such ignorant things to you Jane. (((hugs)))

I third this Jane! More hugs to you!
(((((Jane)))))

Yaku, Liese, DF, STRM, R2G ~ wow, thank you so much. I feel awful about what they said... it hit some kind of sore spot for me. Thanks for your kind words. Triggery day today, and it helps to read your responses. Will write more later...
~jd

such a weird day. I felt numb after the person said I didn't deserve treatment. I think they said something about eating disorders after. Something about just eating. I don't remember well, I wasn't really listening well - I was trying to not freak out about what they said about not deserving treatment. Ever since the conversation, I'm really feeling a strong urge to not eat well... as if to prove the guy's point. Like I can't get well, so I might as well give in. I know this is not right thinking, but the thoughts are there... I haven't had any eating disorder kind of urges in a while. I keep telling myself to put off acting on the urge for another 10 minutes, and I've made it 24 hours so far. The urges are still there. It's gonna be a long day. I did call my T, even though she is on vacation. She called me back and I couldn't talk. My shame got the better of me. I pretty much only said "hi" and "I'm not doing so good." and then got silent and couldn't even answer any questions from her about how I wasn't doing so well. She said she could try calling back later, and I did tell her that would be good. She hasn't called back, but my phone is being glitchy and I figure she is busy on her vacation anyhow. I am kind of glad she hasn't because I'm not sure I could say anymore to her right now. I'm just shut off. Hmm, reminds me of something I read somewhere about how eating disorder stuff can be a way to numb out feelings. I seem to do that just fine without the disordered eating. stupid insurance company.

((((JD)))) I am so sorry for the way you have been treated. I'm really glad you rang your T and I hope she calls you back soon. I'm sorry you have ed urges...please don't let these ignorant people get the better for you...you are worth so much more.

Hugs
Butterfly

(((((JD))))) I'm glad you have been able to take it moment by moment and take care of yourself. Still here for you. I hope you are able to talk more with T when she calls back. Thinking of and praying for you!

thanks yaku and butterfly

((((Jane))))

I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I am happy to hear that you reached out to your T even though it was hard to talk when she called. I hope that when she calls back you will be in a better place and able to talk a bit more and allow her to help you. WTG making it 24 hours resisting the urges. That is really something to be proud of.

Keep posting here and reaching out. We are here for you. (((hugs)))

thank you STRM for your encouragement. I hope my T calls me back soon.

I made it 24 hours, but not 48 hours resisting the ed urge. trying to not beat myself up even more about it. i so wish i hadn't done that.

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
I made it 24 hours, but not 48 hours resisting the ed urge. trying to not beat myself up even more about it. i so wish i hadn't done that.

You know what? It's okay. You can start a new 24 hours now...or one hour or whatever interval feels like you can make. Trust me, I understand. I don't think I've hit 24 hours without SI in the past week, but the only thing to do is just start over and go forward.

I hope you hear from your T. (((hugs)))

I know it feels like starting from scratch, but each hour, each moment even, is a victory. And the fact that one moment was not a victory does not lessen the victory of the current moment. ((((((((HUGS))))))))) I just blew eight days without hurting myself on Friday, so I am trying to claim this for myself as well.

STRM ~

quote:

Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:
You can start a new 24 hours now...or one hour or whatever interval feels like you can make.

Yeah, every moment that goes by where I don't act on it is a moment where my body can experience the pain without having to go through damage I do to it. Every day, hour, minute that I even delay it is good. Thanks for helping me remember that in the midst of my discouragement. Your words help so much. I'm sorry it's been a tough for you too.

Yaku ~ yay for trhe 8 days. You are right, nothing takes away the victory of those eight days.

Thanks to both of you. Your words help me a lot.

quote:

but the only thing to do is just start over and go forward.

STRMS these are lovely and encouraging words...for me too, with my specific problem. JD- I'm sorry about what you are going through. That person was so darn ignorant. It's just a shame that these people don't get better training. You certainly deserve treatment- honey, you are working so hard! But even if you weren't, yet -of course you would still deserve treatment! Treatment is the help we get to grow, and everyone, everyone deserves help to grow, especially if they are brave enough to reach out and ask for that help- it's wonderful, amazing that you are doing that asking with what you contend with. It's heroic. Try, remember that your will is seriously compromised in these ed situations, which is not your fault- and that every battle you win is a huge one, and every one you lost, is in the past, and doesn't take away the victories you have won. You are doing a great job! You are fighting a heroic battle, and even if you take some hits, it doesn't mean you've lost. you are a fighter, and bit by bit you are winning...that is clear.

hugs, Jane,

BB

thank you BB, those are the kindest words...

I have to go meet with someone with the insurance company today, and yes, it's the same person. My T hasn't called back in a couple of days now and I'm sad, frustrated, scared and so not wanting to have to talk to this person again.

I hope you will be able to stand up to this person and tell them how hard you are working towards your recovery...Jane, it's just the truth. Stick it to this person- they need to know it. Maybe they won't hurts someone else, if they can get some understanding of what it is like to have to deal every day with your issues.

((((((JD)))))

Let us know how it goes.

I went. I didn't last very long until I started to have a panic attack right there. I was horribly embarassed and said I needed to go. I left and my T called. I freaked out on the phone with her. I don't even know why. I just lost it. I'm a mess.

((((((Jane)))))))

I'm sorry it was so difficult. You were good for getting yourself out of a situation that was too overwhelming for you. I think it's fine to listen to yourself on those things. I'm glad you were able to talk to T about it and I hope you can take your time with yourself. Still sending thoughts and prayers!

I tried to tell my T. She just kept saying it can all be worked out. I cried and started to panic again and she said "you need to regulate yourself." I started to scream "STOP" and hung up. so not good. i think i should be freaking out right now after doing this. she'll never see me again after that.

I think I am dissociative right now. I don't feel panic or sadness or anger or anything.

When my T called, she wanted to call the insurance and fix everything. I just told her "I can't deal with any of it. It's too much." and then I started to panic.

It's very weird for my T to say "you need to regulate yourself." I know she was trying to redirect my focus to not how the problems had to be solved but on me calming down. In the moment it just felt like yeah, no kidding. Of course I need to regulate myself. Why did I yell stop to her? she will hate me now.

but I don't feel anything. How can I not be feeling anything?

so weird. feels crazy. i just did this horrible thing by yelling at my T.

Not even sure why I am posting this. I think its one of several things I am trying to do to get out of my head and ground myself.

thank you bb and df so much

She won't hate you. I'm sure she knows that the "STOP" wasn't about her directly, but about very real feelings you were having making that interaction too much. If you are worried, I'm sure you can clear it up with her once you are able to call again. T will probably respect the boundary of your "STOP" until you are ready to reach out, so please don't hear that silence as anything other than care and respect for your expressed needs. We're still here for you.

thanks yaku and df.. i hope you are right. it all seems so messed up right now. I guess I got flooded and now I'm numb. I felt like things were too close. Too much. I wish I hadn't screamed "Stop" and then hung up. I should at least apoligize but can't really even call her yet. I dunno why. I think I'm scared of feeling something when I call and I don't know what I would feel...

Text! this was a great idea DF. I did get your response earlier and I didn't have a chance to respond but I did text my T. She doesn't text but I can text her. She called later on, and was ridiculously reassuring. I'm frazzeled. Confused. I never even apoligized, just spaced out while on the phone with her but she helped me ground and said she didn't want me to try to focus on how the day had gone or what I had to deal with tomorrow, but just try to be in the present moment with her and re-ground. It was almost annoying as my type A self was freaked out about fixing the craziness of today and preparing for tomorrow, but I did need to ground very badly and settle in the present moment because way too much of past stuff was flooding me and I couldn't even talk much...

Jane,

So glad that you talked to your T and she was so reassuring. I hope you are feeling better. Good for you reaching out to your T!

Jane, so glad you were able to clear things up with T and get grounded. T is right. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own, as the saying goes. Just being here and now and you is enough.

thanks STRM and Yaku

Tomorrow... is going to be harder than today. yes. harder. My insurance needs me to answer questions about a traumatic thing that happened that I have not even been able to talk to my T about. Tonight, my T called again to check on me. She seriously is doing too much but I'm trying to leave it up to her to manage her own boundaries. I didn't even ask for the follow up. She was just concerned and just "checking in." She was really helpful, even if I did feel bad about it too. I'm overwhelmed by facing tomorrow. Trying to handle reffering the insurance company to just talk to my T and make it clear that I'm not going to discuss it with them (and if that means they won't pay for a related bill, then that's fine with me by all means. The hospital wasn't supposed to bill them anyhow, but ignored my request for them not too and already had the info on file.) ANYhow, I'm freaked about facing this. I kept trying to put something into words to my T, and thankfully she filled in the blanks accurately enough (not totally, but enough to help and follow). I just was overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings as I tried to say something super generic about what the insurance said they had to ask about. My T said I need EMDR... which I've been working on getting and at this point, financially and practically, I do need that to go through my insurance, but through my T - and they had agreeded to work with my T to set it up and not me, and somehow all this crud is comoing up from records and questions and ickiness. My T is mad at them. (I've never seen her mad before.) They agreed to not ask about this stuff and while she was away on vacation last week, it all fell apart.

My T saying I needed EMDR felt weird in the moment. I do. I just felt broken or like... I dunno... not that I thought she thought I was broken, and if I did, it was all kinds of projection.

I am just tired of this. I can't sleep at all. So wound up. Kept telling my T I felt something and couldn't describe it but used stuff I have done in equine T to explain it in another way and it worked. She didn't know what to do about it beside to tell me to try to ground (which is backfiring at the moment). I'm tired. I want this icky trauma stuff out of my head. I want to believe it won't happen again. Never ever. I can't believe that. Not for a second.

ugh.

I have to face these people tomorrow. I want to run from my T in the midst of all of it. I did tell her I felt like I was too close and wanted to push people away. She got it and said we can take a step back in the therapy relationship if that helps but the more I hang in the better.

tired. scared to sleep.

jd

I have to go see the bad guys today. ick. My T said yesterday it's gonna be ok. It doesn't feel so ok. She says focus on being here now. I do not want to be here now. I don't like these people. Breathe. I have to breathe. Bye for now.

Praying!!! I hope it isn't too triggering and they treat you with the respect you so deserve. Please let us know how you are doing when you get back.

I’m tired. My head feels scrambled.

My health insurance...

*deleted*

...I feel bad. I was able to stand up for myself on the outside, but on the inside, I hurt. Back to trying to focus on the rest of my day on work.

I mostly just feel numb. It was a lot to deal with. Much more than I expected. I've been on the edge of really checking out dissociatively and on the edge of crying all day.

Right now, I just want to go home and sleep the rest of the day away...

back to work I go.

~ jd

I'm so glad the mediator affirmed that you deserve to be treated better! I am sorry it is such an unnecessarily complicated process and that the insurance company seems to see this as an opportunity to undermine you further. I hope as you recover from the stress of the experience, you will be able to hold onto the fact that objectively, YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT and you deserve the care you are receiving. The fact that you were able to make it through this meeting shows that you ARE making progress, despite whatever they want to believe! (((((((((JANE))))))))))