He has a wife.

He doesn’t watch TV.

I know the name of the schools that he went to, but I don’t want to post them here because that would give away the city I live in.

The two schools that he went to are both Christian schools. We never discuss religion though.

He likes to leave his tea bag in his tea for the whole entire session. I told him that you are only supposed to let tea bags steep for 3-5 minutes but he says it’s his preference to just leave them in the whole time.

As most of us love to talk about our T's, this thread is a good one, Forlorn.

quote:

And in thinking about these things, I wonder which ones are really real and which ones are things she has just said to connect with me.

I, for one, tend to experience these kinds of doubts (um, dare I say paranoia ) but have been comforted when my T has "revealed" things about herself that secretly I already knew from other sources. So basically, I knew she was telling me the truth. I have never caught her in a lie, and believe me, I look for dishonesty!

Although I am sure I would be blown away to get to know my T in her real and personal life, yet I feel I've learned quite a bit about her in the year I've known her. Occasionally she has revealed something personal that has caused me paranoid concern, but we've always eventually discussed it until it becomes nothing of consequence. Additionally, there have been a few things which, to my frustration but supposedly for my own good, T has been unwilling to disclose. Most of what I do know has served to increase my trust and rapport with her, so I think she must be very skilled in the area of self-disclosure.

Here are just some of the things I know (some from googling, others from her own disclosure):

Her age and birth month (but not exact day)
Her Family Tree, and her husband's Family Tree (names of ancestors, siblings, & descendants)
She is oldest of 6 children (3 sisters, 2 brothers) and she has 5 children of her own (2 daughters, 3 sons)
What each of her children look like, their ages, their spouses names, and city of residence
What her grandchildren look like
I have met one son and two grandchildren and regularly speak with her daughter-in-law because she is her receptionist
Both her daughters have been victims of DV
One of her sons is a real screw-up, in his marriages, career, with the law, etc.
Her past conflicts with her deceased parents
Her husband is retired Air Force veteran who apparently likes to cook
She and her daughter-in-law are two of the thinnest people I have ever known
By contrast, one of her sisters is over 350 lbs
One of her brothers is quite abusive to everyone in his life
She owns many acres of land and 7 horses.
She has an indoor fish pond at home
She used to have a dog who was run over and killed at least a year ago
At least 4 states she has lived in, besides current state.
She plays the piano, mostly by ear.
Her religion
She listens to talk radio
She doesn't like Obama
She used to get drunk a lot on weekends in her earlier adult years
She was twice a victim of SA
How each of her parents died
She doesn't like to wear pink nor tons of jewelry
She claims she has a few traits of OCPD
She has taken AD's at some point in her past
She currently takes thyroid medication
She eats lots of saltine crackers
She usually skips lunch
She plays hard on weekends, frequently traveling out of town

A few things I don't know but would like to know are:

What her exact address is, not just the city
What her husband looks like (he's the only near relative I can't find a picture for online)
What some of her specific religious views are
The nature of her SA experiences
What she truly thinks about me
How often she thinks about me

I am interested in whether anyone here thinks it is unusual or unhealthy for me to know what I do? Or is it typical?

Oh wow, I know way more about my T (and ex-P) than I probably should.

I don't really feel like making a huge list, because it might be too specific and identify too much about where we live, and who they are, and I'm paranoid about either one reading here and recognizing me/themselves. (Unlikely, I know! Which is why I call it "paranoid", lol.) But here's the short version.

About my current T, I know:

where she lives (next door to one of my best friends)

One of her daughters because she has been our pet-sitter on occasion (before I was in therapy or even knew T existed)

Her husband's name and what he does for a living

Where she and her husband grew up

All sorts of random preferences, hobbies, political views...
In short, way too much, I think

I haven't mentioned the first two items to my T, but I suppose she might know that I'm over at my friend's house often. It's a little weird to park my car in front of her house and then go in my friend's backyard, and be able to hear T and her family talking in their backyard... So I just prefer to pretend like I'm oblivious and don't know it's her house.

About my ex-P I also know too much, partially because he talked about himself and his family a lot (kids names and ages, hobbies, his wife is a slob, etc), and partially because I went on a little google spree at the peak of my transference craziness last year. (WOW that sounds creepy.) I also know some rumorous gossipy things about him from a mutual acquaintance, that I REALLY wish I didn't know. Or had known sooner.

Madhatter - We cross-posted. I think we probably know about the same amount of stuff about our T's. I've actually seen my ex-P's spouse in the grocery store; she was in line ahead of me. I was tempted to turn to her and say, "So... I hear you're a real slob." Of course I didn't do it.

quote:

I am interested in whether anyone here thinks it is unusual or unhealthy for me to know what I do? Or is it typical?

I don't think it's typical. I can't judge whether it's unhealthy or not... I know that I had a strong desire to know more about my ex-P because I had intense feelings for him, but now I wish I didn't know some of the stuff I do.

One thing that made it hard, like knowing he thought his wife was a slob, and hearing details of their arguments, was then I started to worry what he thought of me. My husband is OCPD and super critical. So naturally I started to worry that P thought my husband's criticisms were valid, because I'm probably a slob like his wife. (Total transference stuff, here!) Of course, I never had the nerve to actually bring this up in session. He would have swept it under the rug anyway.

I learned my lesson though. I don't want to know ANYTHING about my current T, but she won't shut up! Last week she even offered to introduce me to a good friend of her's who is recently divorced, in case I have questions about how the process works. (I've been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork involved and how to divide things up now that my marriage is ending.) Why would I want to meet her friends?!? I said No Thankyou.

Things I know about my T

Her address because she works from home
She has 2 kids

Thats all i know about my T, Ive never asked any questions about her (i think i feel im not allowed to ask) You think after 3 and half years of seeing her I would know more lol

Hev

quote:

One thing that made it hard, like knowing he thought his wife was a slob, and hearing details of their arguments, was then I started to worry what he thought of me.

I can clearly see that this is a prime example of how self-disclosure can be harmful to us. I can see why you would wish you didn't know that information! I myself worry so much what my T is thinking about me that I am hyper-sensitive to anything critical she might say, even if its about someone else.

Fortunately for me, my T seems to balance being honest with demonstrating acceptance. For example, even though she has disclosed flaws some of her family members have, she doesn't do it in a way that puts them down. She still communicates a loving sense of loyalty to them. I guess I am lucky. When I think about it, though, I don't think I could do disclosure right if I were the T. I would say the wrong thing all the time.

quote:

Things I know about my T

Her address because she works from home
She has 2 kids

Wow, Hev, that blows me away. How can your T remain so private for 3 1/2 years? It must not bother you or you would still not be with her. I have this problem that if I don't know SOMEthing then I start imagining BAD things. Knowing nothing works against me as far as trust goes. Knowing a few things helps calm me down.

quote:

I never ask questions either,i too feel like i wouldn't be allowed to ask.

DF, actually, I am hesitant to come right out and ask things, too. Most of what I know has not come from direct questioning. The questions I have asked have usually been preceded by her bringing up the subject first, and then I might ask her to clarify or elaborate. But it sort of feels like pushing a boundary to ask too many questions even then.

I remember one time my T asked me what my plans were for the weekend (just being nice & chit-chatty). I decided to ask her the same question back. She hesitated; I imagine she was weighing in her mind how much would be appropriate to tell me. For a few seconds I thought maybe she was annoyed at me for asking. But she decided to tell me her plans, that she was going to another state for a weekend get-away, and that it was a place she visited often. It sort of bothered me and comforted me at the same time, knowing she would be far away, and yet at least knowing where she was versus not knowing anything at all.

The things I know about my T:

I know his age (one year and a half older than me)
I know that his birthday is in July
He drinks too much coffee and he likes drinking it cold (awfull!)
He's been therapist for few years only
He drives nearby where I live to get to work
I knew which car was his, but it broke down completely few weeks ago and he'd love to have a BMW instead
He used to have long hair when he was younger
He likes Metallica
He likes reading fantasy and legends
He had 3 therapists over 10 years time (2 men and 1 woman)
He was in therapy for the first time when he was a teenager
He played/plays rugby sometimes
He has 2 dogs and a cat (which he is not sure whether it's male or female)
He likes similar movies and TV series as I do.
I know where he did his training to become a therapist (and how much it cost)
I know one of his previous workplaces (not far from where I work now)
He also has a family (which is the only thing about him I can't stand)

Anyway, from the above list you can figure out that he simply is a perfect guy.

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
Anyway, from the above list you can figure out that he simply is a perfect guy.

absolutely!

My old T, I knew a lot about. Was it too much? hmm... I dunno. Most of the time, it seemed really helpful. Ironically, my old T was much more psychoanalytical than my current T.

My current T I don't know very much about, even though I've known her much longer. But every now and then she discloses something else and it's comforting. I guess it makes her seem more human... more real...

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
He has 2 dogs and a cat (which he is not sure whether it's male or female)

Oh this made me laugh! How can he not know this? I take it he wasn't a Biology major in college.

Other than that, yes, he does sound perfect. Rugby, huh? Mmm...

quote:

But every now and then she discloses something else and it's comforting. I guess it makes her seem more human... more real...

This is how I feel about my T's disclosures too. But maybe after what I did today my T will stop disclosing. I hope not, because that would make me so sad.

Today I mentioned this thread to my T in session. I told her how some of you only know a few things about your T's, like that they have 2 kids or what kind of car they drive, and that's about it. She said, "Well, you probably don't know that much more about me." I told her I knew a lot more than that. She asked how, and I said from online sources (I've told her in the past that I've googled her but maybe she forgot) and also I never forget anything she tells me. I started giving her examples from the list I posted earlier of all the things I know about her. I was actually trying to see if it would make her mad or if I could provoke some sort of reaction, but she stayed quite collected. She did claim she was amazed about two things: (1) That I could find all that information online, like she had no idea that much was available. And (2) That I would go to the effort to find it. I said, "Yeah, I just wanted to get all the freakiness out there. So at least you know I am being honest, but nothing I've found has changed my opinion of you in any way; they're just facts." I really was expecting her to react like I was a creepy lunatic-stalker, but instead she almost seemed honored. Weird, huh? Maybe she was just faking it.

MH, you are very brave to tell how much information about her you managed to find. I even didn't dare to admit that I did a google and facebook search but found nothing (except for his newly set up website on the psychotherapy service).
Yeah, that was some effort to make her mad at you bu she stayed just as she was. I think that's amazing.
I don't know though what she has against Obama, as he seems to be capable of doing the job. Yeah, I know we don't discuss politics here. Anyway, she seems to be great therapist.

Echo, about the cat... I was also amazed how can he not know this. He said the cat doesn't like to be caught and held.
I wondered, you don't have to literally grab the cat to check this out. He replied: It's a rather hairy cat.



I read that therapists disclosure can actually be very helpful, but needs to be done with care. Yalom (The Gift of Therapy)actually quite encourages it as it is suppose to result in clients sharing more secrets.

Hi Forlorn,

Nice to meet you! I'm a bit late coming to this post. It's interesting how little vs. how much some of us know about our Ts. I think Mad Hatter and I are probably tied on who knows what about their T. Here's my list:

Her age and birth month (not the exact day either, dang it!)
Her family tree and husband's family tree
She is the 2nd of 6 children, 4 girls and 2 boys, 2 sets of boy/girl twins.
She has 5 adult children, 2 girls, 3 boys.
She was a teacher before becoming a therapist.
She has lived in at least 8 other states besides the current state, as her husband held jobs all over the country.
Her husband ran for senate back in the 80s and barely lost.
Her husband currently teaches at the local university.
She likes Dove chocolate.
She likes the color apricot.
Her favorite flower is the orchid.
One of her passions in life is the opera.
She loves nice costume jewelry.
She was attached to a teacher in junior high school.
Her anniversary is the same month as mine.
I know her address and phone number (they're in the phone book)
I've seen photos of all her kids but one son.
I know where all her children live (cities only).
I know the cities where her siblings live.
I know her religion.
Her youngest son was an alcoholic at one time.
Her husband's hometown (near her own) is named after one of her ancestors.
Her father died when she was 31 (she's now 67 and just lost her mother in Feb.)
She's an avid reader and likes to hang out at Barnes and Noble.
Her and her husband's favorite restaurant is Romano's Macaroni Grill.

Some of this has been disclosed to me by my T, some of it I found out searching online. MH, to answer your question about whether this is unusual, unhealthy or typical, my T was surprised to find out that I knew what I did about her, and I think she probably wouldn't be shocked too much to know that I remember 'everything' she tells me about herself. She just thought it was a huge waste of time for me to have spent all that time online searching for stuff about her and her family when she said she would have told me what I wanted to know if I would have asked her. Yeah, like I would ever have the guts to ask her personal stuff! She has really tried to normalize my attachment issues and just said that it comes down to trying to fill deep needs that weren't met and seeking for those needs. And for you and me, I think it comes down to trust. I can't just open up and spill my guts to someone I don't know anything about. The more she discloses, the safer I feel. She just seems more human, more real, less perfect. I think it puts us on a more equal plane, like she's not on the pedestal and I'm not the little imp. My T wants me to see her as more of an equal, which I know some people would disagree with, but it helps me be able to connect more easily if I don't see her as this all-powerful T who hides everything from me and is a blank slate and all mysterious. That would make therapy nearly impossible for me, so I think for some of us, it's just something we need and I wouldn't call it unhealthy OR typical. Just a bit unusual, maybe. I'm okay with unusual.

MTF

Sorry, I decided to edit some of the more personal stuff out that my T told me in sessions. Kind of felt like I was betraying her confidence in me.

quote:

I think Mad Hatter and I are probably tied on who knows what about their T.

Actually, I think your list might be a bit longer than mine, hehe. Good work, MTF! (j/k ) We are the stalking sleuths of the board!

quote:

She just thought it was a huge waste of time for me to have spent all that time online searching for stuff about her and her family when she said she would have told me what I wanted to know if I would have asked her. Yeah, like I would ever have the guts to ask her personal stuff!

My T's reaction was kinda similar. She didn't actually say the words, but just shook her head with an expression that read like, "Wow, you really ARE hung up on me!" But my T would agree with you that its largely a trust issue. I told her my disclosure and honesty abt knowing this stuff was proof that I trusted her, but she was like "No, you don't trust me at all." And you are so right that the more she discloses, usually the safer I feel. Often its the unknown that causes the spinning.

MH,

quote:

I told her my disclosure and honesty abt knowing this stuff was proof that I trusted her, but she was like "No, you don't trust me at all." And you are so right that the more she discloses, usually the safer I feel. Often its the unknown that causes the spinning.

I hate to admit this, but I think your T might be right in what she said. I saw another T recently for ADD testing and he asked me about my relationship with my current T, and then he said something that shocked me. He said, "I'm ALMOST convinced that you trust your therapist". I think we have been doing all this searching because we WANT to trust them, but deep down we really have a trust issue with them. Like you said in the second to last line above, the more she discloses, the safer you feel. It's the same for me. I feel like until I really 'know' her, I'm not going to be able to do the work I need to do. And of course I'll never really know her, so what's it going to take for me to get where I need to go? It's so confusing. I wonder how long I'm going to be in therapy sometimes. Forever? Neither one of our Ts can wait that long! It's tough, and I just wish I didn't have trust issues. Things would go a lot quicker and smoother without them, that's for sure!!

MTF

Another discussion today with my T about this thread - specifically the part about trust. T said maybe my knowledge would compromise my ability to take a leap of faith (her words) with her.

I asked, "How does me knowing that you once owned a house in _____ city 20 years ago hurt me?" (this as an example of a fact I've learned online which in actuality reveals very little about her as a person)

She said, "I don't know, but we'll see."

I said, "Well, do you have something to hide?"

And she anwered, "No, nothing."

I guess I don't get what the big deal is, or how anything I have learned is possibly hurtful to me. IMO, taking "a leap of faith" with someone whom you know NOTHING about could seem akin to taking a leap of stupidity. With all the terrible therapists out there spreading their damage -- which is very apparent on several threads of this forum -- why shouldn't I be cautious in order to protect myself?

This is a very interesting thread! There is such a range, from knowing just a little to knowing a lot. I started writing a list for my current T and was surprised at how little I knew. I felt weird about posting it for some reason, so for now I'm holding off. There's not much I can say about our couples T yet because we just started with him. The longest list by far is the one I wrote in my journal about my former T, when I was still in therapy with him. But I really don't want to post that either.

Hi MH! I agree with you, I don't see how knowing that particular bit of information (what city she owned a house in a long time ago) would hurt you or compromise your therapy.

I wonder what she meant by "taking a leap of faith". Do you think she meant your confiding in her? If I was attached to my T, and really wanting to please her, then knowing her opinions or feelings might make it more difficult or even impossible for me to speak up about something I need to talk about, if I thought it would displease her, based on what I knew about her.

Maybe just knowing things about our T's isn't necessarily harmful in and of itself. Maybe it has more to do with how attached we are to our T's (how much we want to please them), and the type of knowledge itself, whether it has the potential to influence what we tell or keep to ourself. In general I would think the type of knowledge to stay away from would be the T's opinions and feelings about certain things...but depending on the patient, even facts could influence. It would be so hard to predict, which is why T's have to be so careful with disclosing information, and really think about whether it is going to be helpful to the patient or not.

The examples you used seem harmless, and you even say you feel safer knowing them. And you came by a lot of it on your own, you were looking for it. Contrast that with examples from (yes I'm going to bring him up again, sorry!!) my former T that made me feel less safe, and I did not go looking for them, they were put out there by him. In one of our first sessions, where I was returning a book he loaned me and telling him how much I had gotten out of it, he told me he was glad I had returned it so quickly, now I was in his "circle of trust"...then he added that some patients think he only loans his books to the "hot" patients...when I made a face at that (because I had NO idea what to say, it was totally unexpected of him to say that, and I certainly wasn't thinking anything of the sort), he said, I don't mean you, you're into the book, but I have to watch out for "that". Then a few sessions later, when I was describing a "look" my ex-BF seemed to give me when I recently (then) ran into him, he said, you mean the "hook look", and I said yes...then he said, I've gotten the "hook look" from people I shouldn't have, and it really pisses me off.

There are more examples I could give, but I'll just stop here to make the point. Later when I wanted to talk about the transference, I was REALLY afraid to, because both of these statements felt like "warnings" to me that I was NOT supposed to talk about it, that feelings about him would be seen as "bad" and disapproved of. So even though he later said I could talk about it, I still dragged my feet, lots of hesitating...what I wanted was some reassurance to counteract the fear I had, because I could not forget the other things he'd said...and I think my hesitating just irritated him and added to the problems.

So I guess the only thing I would encourage you to look at is this: Is there anything you want to talk about with your T, but feel that you can't, because of what you know about her? It doesn't sound like it...actually it sounds like knowing all this about your T is making you feel MORE safe. SO probably there really is no problem. At any rate, it sounds like your T really cares for you and wants to keep you safe..and that is a wonderful thing!

SG

The question about how it could be harmful to know random facts about your T is interesting. My T refuses to answer what I believe to be very simple questions about himself. I know that he doesn’t just do this for fun- or to just watch me get mad at him when he won’t answer my question. So there must be a reason. I just don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe I should ask him. I never even thought about asking him exactly why he won’t answer any of my questions. I’ll let you guys know if he gives me a good answer.

quote:

I wonder what she meant by "taking a leap of faith". Do you think she meant your confiding in her? If I was attached to my T, and really wanting to please her, then knowing her opinions or feelings might make it more difficult or even impossible for me to speak up about something I need to talk about, if I thought it would displease her, based on what I knew about her.

Maybe just knowing things about our T's isn't necessarily harmful in and of itself. Maybe it has more to do with how attached we are to our T's (how much we want to please them), and the type of knowledge itself, whether it has the potential to influence what we tell or keep to ourself. In general I would think the type of knowledge to stay away from would be the T's opinions and feelings about certain things...but depending on the patient, even facts could influence. It would be so hard to predict, which is why T's have to be so careful with disclosing information, and really think about whether it is going to be helpful to the patient or not.

Strummergirl,

I think what you said here is really pertinent to my situation. My attachment to my T is really strong, and I am one that wants to please my T. I want her to love me, and I don't want to do or say anything that is going to compromise that possibility. So sometimes knowing things about her influence what I have been willing (or unwilling) to disclose. But honestly I think just having a strong attachment to her is the biggest stumbling block all by itself. I just simply don't want to look bad, don't want her to see my flaws, but I also realize that I'm in therapy and if I really want to heal and grow she's going to have to see them.

So MH, I don't know exactly what your T is trying to say with her "leap of faith" comment. It could be sort of what SG is talking about, but I don't know that you have the same issues that I do. You seem pretty gutsy and don't seem to be hiding anything , but then I have no idea where you're at with your T and how much work you have to do. I read in another thread somewhere that you too want your T to love you, so I'm guessing that trusting your heart with someone you really don't know is scary for you, too. I need my T's love to heal, but don't dare trust. I'm looking for something 'wrong'. I have a mistrust schema that makes it hard to trust my T, and I'm always looking for something (subconsciously, of course) that will keep me from trusting her and allowing myself to get close to her so I can do the work I need to do. It's what is keeping me from taking that 'leap of faith' with my T.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. Maybe you should ask your T what she meant by her 'leap of faith' comment. Then you wouldn't have to wonder anymore! I hate it when they say stuff like that. Like we can read between the lines and know what they're trying to say to us!

MTF

Wow, I'm impressed how busy this post has been

I feel bad for being out of the loop a bit lately. Been in a weird place. I really wish I had more time to respond but as it is, I'm trying to finish planning a weird birthday party and I have been overwhelming my poor mind and body. Blah! oh well it's all in good fun. But anyway...

I just wanted to stop in quick.

MTF - wow I'm amazed at how much you know. How long have you been with your T?

FOT - I find it strange your T would hold out on talking about the sushi. hmm. I think it make me want to know what's going on with him and the non-response. I'd rather hear a blanket response like "I can't discuss that" or something. But it's is weird that he did disclose some things. Hmm, maybe he forgot he told you about the other stuff?


Sorry guys gotta go fight traffic. Will try to touch base again soon!

Hi Forlorn,

To answer your question, I've been with my T for 10 1/2 months. 14 of the things on that list are things she has self-disclosed. I deleted a few others that she had told me that I felt were too personal to have put out there, but my T isn't one to really hide stuff about herself. She told me when I disclosed all of my internet searching about her that she would have told me whatever I wanted to know if I had asked her, and that she trusts that I wouldn't ask her something that she couldn't answer. She said she thinks her life is pretty boring. To who? I would LOVE to know all about it!!! Of course I don't have the courage to ask her *anything* about her life because I feel like it's none of my business. Ironic, since I snooped online and found out a bunch of stuff that was really a violation of her privacy, IMO. My conscience bothered me so badly I HAD to tell her about the cyber stalking. She was unusually cool about it, said it was "a boundary crossing, that's all it was" and let me off the hook. It's strange how we want to know so much about our Ts, isn't it? Sounds like yours is doing a pretty good job of keeping herself under wraps. I don't know which is worse; knowing only a little, or knowing a lot, as this is my first experience in therapy.

Good luck with the birthday party!

MTF

quote:

I wonder what she meant by "taking a leap of faith". Do you think she meant your confiding in her? If I was attached to my T, and really wanting to please her, then knowing her opinions or feelings might make it more difficult or even impossible for me to speak up about something I need to talk about, if I thought it would displease her, based on what I knew about her.

Strummergirl, thanks for sharing your thoughts! I really had no clue what my T meant until I read the quoted part above, and now I think that must be it. I definitely catch myself trying to please her and have had discussions in the past with my T about that. It's a survival instinct, thinking my safety or needs being met depend upon taking care of her first, so I'm always trying to figure out how to do just that. I just can't seem to accept that it would work any other way.

After my last post I texted her and asked, "How can I show you trust? You seem disappointed in me."

She replied, "I will know when you do. I am not disappointed. I just think you may have made it a little harder for yourself to take that leap of faith."

I don't know if she is right that I've made it harder. I think it is the attachment which makes it harder, and maybe my sleuthing has strengthened my willingness to attach.

MTF, you are correct that I so much want her to love me, and just like you I feel I need that in order to heal. But in my case, I think my T WANTS me to attach. I just can't trust that the attachment will last through thick and thin.

I had to laugh when MTF called me gutsy. In some ways I suppose I really have been. Just yesterday I was bold enough to tell T I wanted to take all her precious figurines in the room (no doubt given to her by other clients) and chuck them through the window. Then I wanted to cut myself with the broken glass and bleed all over her carpet as a warning to her other clients that therapy = pain! I was feeling melodromatic. I wasn't gutsy enough to actually DO any of that. But somehow, it seems easier to talk about anger than other emotions. Self-disclosure of shame is VERY hard for me. It is probably the one which requires the biggest leap of faith.

Mad Hatter,

quote:

I definitely catch myself trying to please her and have had discussions in the past with my T about that. It's a survival instinct, thinking my safety or needs being met depend upon taking care of her first, so I'm always trying to figure out how to do just that. I just can't seem to accept that it would work any other way.

Wow! Did YOU bring up this topic for discussion, or did your T? I know I need to deal with this myself, but I'm too ashamed to bring it up. I am terrible at feeling like I always have to take care of my T or I'm just not doing it right.

quote:

I don't know if she is right that I've made it harder. I think it is the attachment which makes it harder, and maybe my sleuthing has strengthened my willingness to attach.

Hmmm. That is an interesting observation and idea you've got there. I have to agree with you that the attachment makes it harder for me to trust completely, and to be myself completely. I also agree that what I have discovered about my T though all of my sleuthing has strengthened my willingness to attach, but I have to admit that I was willing anyway. I have had previous attachments to people, but this is the first time that firm boundaries have been an issue, and it's been hard. Not knowing how my T feels about me on a personal level just torments me.

quote:

I just can't trust that the attachment will last through thick and thin.

That's the hard part, isn't it? That's where that 'leap of faith' comes in, I think. It's our obstacle to making real progress, to doing 'the work'. Our hearts want to trust, but we're too afraid of rejection, abandonment, pain. And you're right MH. Therapy = pain. For some of us, at least. My T once told me not too long ago that therapy is tough but it doesn't have to be painful. I nearly laughed in her face. I should have. I told her a few weeks later in a letter that I've had nothing BUT pain in therapy. I think those of us with attachment injury are destined to experience pain in our journeys of healing. And our leap of faith might need to be aided by angels as it is more a flight over a huge chasm than a leap over a small ditch. But if we keep at it, we'll make it, MH. We have to.

quote:

I wasn't gutsy enough to actually DO any of that. But somehow, it seems easier to talk about anger than other emotions. Self-disclosure of shame is VERY hard for me. It is probably the one which requires the biggest leap of faith.

I still think you're gutsy MH, even if you didn't do any of that stuff. Telling her what you did was gutsy to me!! Way to get that anger out!! Seriously though, I totally understand the extreme difficulty involved with shame and discussing it. I avoid it like the plague. You're SO not alone on this. (((MH)))

MTF

GREAT topic- this must be something every patient loves to write about..

I`m so lucky that my T acually has written a self-biography(?) so I happened to know A LOT!
Facts, and dreams, and feelings, an the name of the girls he was in love with when i he was 12 etc. Why he became a therapist, and what kind of struggles he has had. (none of these things we discuss in therapi, I never dared to tell him that i read his biography! ) Also hes interests, (music, litterature, art, geography and a looong list)

Oh wow Frog,

It would be amazing being able to know that much about your T. Does it ever influence how you are with him? Like do you hesitate to talk about certain things because it's something sensitive to him?

I'm thinking of things I now Want to know about my T.

New List: Things I WANT to know about my T

• Her favorite color
  
  
• Why she became a T
  
  
• What she does on the weekends
  
  
• What food does she like
  
  
• Does she have kids, bf/husband, family status
  
  
• Where she has traveled
  
  
• What other languages she speaks
  
  
• When she plans on retiring
  
  

*sigh*

Oooo good idea Forlorn! I like it.

Things I want to know:

-How long he and his wife have been married. (I’m guessing not that long)

-How they met (I’ve asked him, but he won’t tell me)

-How long they dated before having sex (I know he will never tell me this)

-How long they knew each other before they started dating.

I know that’s a lot about his relationship with his wife, BUT I feel like if he is going to give me advice on dating and how long I should be with someone before sex, and how long I should know that person before dating then I deserve to know these things! I also think that he must have a normal healthy relationship with his wife, and I don’t really know anyone who does, so I could use them as an example or something to strive for. I’ve never actually said this to him so I think I will next session. It’s reasonable right? But I’m almost positive he will refuse to tell me anything…

-If he has any kids (if I had to guess I would say no)

-Why he decided to become a therapist

-What other jobs he had before

-What city he lives in (Nothing specific, I live in a big city so I always wonder if he lives in the city, or on the outskirts or whatever. Mainly for if I should expect to ever run into him- If we live on opposite sides of the city then I would guess not)

-What his wife does for a living

I know I could think of more, but those are the main things.

quote:

Originally posted by Frog:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Forlorn:
"Oh wow Frog,

It would be amazing being able to know that much about your T. Does it ever influence how you are with him? Like do you hesitate to talk about certain things because it's something sensitive to him?"



Dear Forlorn:

Yes, I read the book with a HUGE interest, yet felt like doing something wrong. BUT: Yes. I know so meny things, -I cant really say how it influence the relation, just that i truly believe i KNOW my T AND THAT IS A big SAFETY base for me, and perhaps i`m less anxious of "who are you really?"-questions...
But yes, there are sertain things i think i hesitate to bring up- f.ex that i HAVE READ THE BOOK!
it is definitly comlicated sometimes, also because my T and hes wife happens to be friends (not close friends) with my parents. Actually my T has been in my home (not where i live now) twice... The last time I was allready began therapy with him- and I totally got fixated on this, and asked him thousand questions about the current visit..LOL

-HMM. I HAD TO DELETE PARTS OF THIS MESSAGE NOW BECAUSE I GOT ANXIOUS THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PERSONAL STUFF I WROTE ABOUT MY T. It felt unethical and just wrong to do that.

if enyone read and remember what i wrote- please dont use it "against" me or my T. I`m regretting the words and scared it will haunt me..

my first day of posting.
I know she is 56, has grown up children, has ill parents, and a brother,was born in Eire, (/ireland) and so must have been brought up Catholic, and I know the town where she lived. I asked most of these about three weeks ago, so fairly new knowledge. She is backing off a bit now, though, so maybe I scared her.

Hi Sheychen. Welcome to the forums!

Welcome Sheychen. Thanks for sharing!

Hi Sheychen, Welcome!

Sorry about your T backing away lately. How long have you been with her?

UV- I am amazed you have the courage to ask of his feelings for former Ts. But then very appropriate to get to the resolution you two needed so that you could begin the work on your own feelings. Very good, sounds like you have a good relationship with your T.

Frog- I'm sorry you felt bad for posting some things and I understand your need for deleting. I'm sure no one will hold anything against you here so hopefully you don't feel regret so much anymore now.

quote:

Originally posted by ultraviolet:

What I really want to know is if he ever cheated on his wife...

That’s interesting, ultraviolet- I’ve asked my T a few times if he has ever cheated on his wife. Actually, I’ve even begged him to tell me. I really really really want to know. I know he’s never going to tell me. And even if he did tell me I don’t think it would end up being beneficial whatsoever. If he said no, I would think he was lying. And if he said yes I would hate him forever. Anyway, there is a very long story behind all of this… I just thought it was interesting that someone else wanted to know the same thing.