sweetpea, i understand both why you would quit meds due to the bad side effects and that you are upset because of your T making you take them. I dont know why your T would say that- if you feel like you are being helped going ot her, it should be some way to let that work out, without the meds, or with a different type maybe. I doubt your T is angry at you, tell T about the horrible side effects and T will understand and probably you both can work on a new plan that you also agree to. Keep posting about this if it helps...

Sweetpea,
I have tried many different medications over the years and have had horrible side effects as well. Maybe you can speak to your T about changing the medication. It may take awhile to find the right medication and dose. Can you call the doctor that prescribed the medication and maybe try something else? Also, sometimes the side effects decrease once your body gets use to them. Let us know how it goes.

PG

I agree with the others. Sometimes it takes a while to get the right medication and dosage. Having said that, it is YOUR body and if you don't want to take meds then nobody should be pressuring you into doing it, including your T. I don't think it is necessary to quit therapy, but I do think that an open discussion about your fears regarding medication with your T would be a good place to start.

hey, thanks guys.
i havn't taken my medication since and i don't plan to again! this morning i seen my therapist for the first time since last week. she wasn't angry after all but she kept trying to persuade me that medication is the only way forward. I told her i'm not going to change my mind. Today's appointment went stupidly... I barely talked and i ended up wasting the whole hour. she says i was being very distant. I dunno why i find it so hard to talk to her. she always asks me how do i want her to help me and i always say i dunno. i feel like i should know. what am i supposed to say? she asks me every week and i feel stupid for not having an answer. I can never talk in my sessions and i just look at the floor for the whole time. I hope she doesn't think i'm being rude. It makes me even angrier with myself when i can't talk coz i only see her for 1 hour a week so i should really be making the most of it. I'm really struggling at the moment. especially with my college work. I have a project due up at the end of the week and i can't motivate myself to do it. i feel like a big failure. I should be in college right now but i'm not. i wish i could sleep forever. sorry for whining

Hi, sweetpea...you are not whining...not at all! You are just hurting. It's ok to feel the way that you do. I'm actually kind of amazed that you are finding the strength to say no so forcefully (you really mean it) to your T, about the medication. It is really good that she is not mad at you about that decision. Ultimately, it IS your decision, and no one else's, since you are not a minor. (I assume ) But I do wonder and feel some concern about, that your T seems to think medication is the only way forward...it certainly seem like something to seriously consider if she is saying that. That being said, I have a chronic long-tern depression, and years ago I had a T who really pushed meds on me. They helped, in spite of the side-effects, but my current T works without using medication, he reccommneds a lot of holistic approach stuff, supplements and stuff like that. But, I have no idea what your dx is- some things simply need medication, I think, in order to move towards healing. But some docs just don't see other options...so I don't know which it is in your case, and don't want to push anything either way, just offering some possible thoughts about your situation, really.

But, I want to reassure you, that lots of us on here have felt the same way about having a really hard time talking during sessions! As a matter of fact it was soooo hard for me, and I'm a lot older than you- and after quite a long time in therapy I found this place because I googled "transference" after my T told me that was what was going on. So this forum has been really helpful to figure out and normalize a lot the reactions I am having in therapy, or at least not to feel so alone with what is happening. After long time in T, I was able to tell T about how awful it was that he always askes "what do you want to talk about today" and stuff like that. Now he still asks it, because he just does, I don't really know why, but he did tell me he understands how hard it is, and that lots of people have that reaction! So, I'm sure that your T is not angry at you, even though it might really, really feel that way. But of course I can't be sure. Maybe, try telling her not about "what you want to talk about" but just, how you feel when she ask you that question. I told my T of my anxiety when he asks that question and have got a lot of reassurance about that, even though he still asks.

Ok, sorry this is a bit all over the place, sweetpea...I'm glad that you went to your session and didn't quit. It is very hard not to quit therapy for most people, that is also a pretty common theme, I still battle the temptation to cut and run even though making some progress now!

Keep talking here, if it is helpful to you- you'll find a caring bunch here who want to help!

You are not a failure, sweetpea, just rather, suffering, and there is a big difference! Go easy on yourself...

BB

Hey, thanks blackbird
I think she just wanted me to feel the difference they can make if i give them a chance. yeah, i'm 20 so she can't really make me! i just wish i could talk more. \i guess i'll just have to try harder next week.Its cool that your t has a holistic approach. i think i'd prefer if mine were like that..
and thanks, i am finding it helpful to write here!

today i'm really not feeling good. my tutors cant understand why i'm doing no work. they probably just think i'm being lazy but i'm not. i have no energy and i cant concentrate and my mind keeps wandering i just want to disappear. I wish i had a therapy appointment today.

Sweetpea,
(Love your name btw, and it seems to really suit you. ) I'm sorry today is so hard. Dealing with our stuff can often use so much of our resources, leaving it a struggle to do the rest of what we have to do. And what can make that harder is that for people who don't know or haven't experienced it, it can be hard to understand just why you're struggling. I just want you to know that we do understand here that you're not being lazy, you just have a very full plate that other people can't always see. Hang in there.

AG

Hi Sweetpea,

Oh, I relate so much to what you're describing! It's such an awful feeling when you can't work, and the guilt over not working makes it even worse. As AG said, we know you're not lazy, you're just struggling to handle everything you have to deal with. I wonder if it would be possible for you to give yourself permission to take a day off, a day where you consciously choose not to try to get any work done, to just be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I don't know if that's an option for you, but it might give you a little time to recharge.

I also know the feeling of wishing you had therapy today. It's too bad our moods aren't on a schedule! I'm glad that you're here in the meantime, and I hope you're finding some comfort in giving voice to your feelings. Please do keep doing it. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. You're not alone. Please take care.

agent

(thanks, it was the first name that popped into my head!)
its good to know that ye understand. this week just really really sucks. i'm supposed to have a painting finished by friday and i have to talk about it in front of my class and tutors. it sucks. i havn't even started.
I wish i could take a day off but i just have no time. college is so busy right now and then i have to work friday, saturday and sunday.

(((((sweetpea))))
oh I hope you find some rest and comfort in this. you have a ton on your plate! I too would have had a very hard time being pressured into meds. I wish I had words of advice that could help - just my thoughts and hope for you. hang in there...
~jane

thanks Janedoe, i'll try
today is going ok so far!

That is great to hear, sweetpea!

yeah, you are dealing with an awful lot...go gently.

BB

well, i got all my college work done at last! i wish time didn't go so fast.. its nearly the weekend again and weekends suck

good for you!!!! feeling kinda proud of you, kiddo! why do weekends suck?

BB

thanks blackbird.

coz i have to go home and work and then when i'm not working i'm stuck with my family and we don't get on very well..

blech...poor you. that truly sucks.

uh huh :|
i hope it goes fast..

me too! Do you at least make good money at your job? (is it worth it?)

yeah i do. that's the only good part! no way could i afford college without it. but it takes all my energy..

It must be exausting to have to work, deal with family stuff, go to college, be in therapy...phew. I hope you find some time for you, just to do something you enjoy, in the middle of all of this!

Besides the pushing the meds thing, is your T otherwise pretty supportive? I hope so...

hug,

BB

i think i'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow night so that'll be cool
i dunno.. she really doesn't say much! she's nice and everything but i don't feel like she's helping me much. but it's my own fault coz im no good at talking..

That'll be nice!

I think T's like to drive us crazy by not initiation conversations. Mine does the same thing, last session he told me that clients having a hard time talking, it's really common problem! Give yourself time...when you are ready, you'll be able to talk bit by bit more.

Have fun with your friend tomorrow!

BB

thanks i'll try.
i think i need to figure out how to let my guard down.. i don't mean to shut people out

therapy went kinda bad today coz i was feeling stubborn and wouldn't talk again..
part of me freezes up and then there's another part that is just doing it to annoy her. this morning i went in with the intention of quitting(again!) and i told her that i wouldn't be coming back after today but by the end she had convinced me to not quit after all. she was nicer than usual today and tried to help me talk more by asking lots of questions and she says i have to pick a theme i want to talk about for next week. usually she just sits and stares at me. i'm really confused she asked me if i trust her and i said no coz i don't trust anyone. i hope she wasn't offended. i don't even trust myself.
sorry this is all over the place

wow...that seems like good work for where you are in the process right now. You are being very honest, stating the truth of what you are feeling, and that can only lead to good things in therapy. I want to encourage you! Therapy is very confusing, often difficult, and not easy to know if we are doing the right thing by staying, often...your T most likely knows all this, understands your confusion and distrust, and it also seems like she is learning more about you a bit, and so is even willing to ask a few questions to help...hm, my T once told me that, for him in his position it is a balance all the time between helping a client to open up "too much" or "not enough." And that as he got to know me better, he was better able to make that judgement, whether to be removed or more helping. Some clients prefer a therapist to be very removed and not say much, so I think Ts are just trying to figure out what we need. And they can't figure that out very well, until we start telling them a little bit letting them know us. But, go slowly. Slow and steady wins the race. She has to be trustworthy, before you will be able to trust her...and that just takes time...yes?

It all seems pretty good so far...that you are beginning to notice some reactions in yourself, that you want to annoy her, and that you are also frozen, and that you are feeling stubborn...none of these feelings is wrong. I truly believe that it would be perfectly ok and would help things to open up a bit, to say just those very things to your T...but of course that is very scary to do- I get that!

Ah, wanting to quit...you are in good company on this board. I think just about everyone here can sympathise with that particular dilemma. I ahppen to be in the middle of it myself! T has told me that he cannot make that decision for me, but that I am always welcome with him. It is confusing!

You aren't all over the place sweetpea...your post was easy to read and understand...

Peace,

Blackbird

HI Sweetpea,

Sorry to bud in here so late but I just read your first post and not much in between and thought I'd reply. So if I am really off base here because I didn't read the entire thread, please disregard.

I saw a therapist about 14 years ago who thought I needed to go on medication and go back to work. (stay and home mom) I didn't want to do either. And so, at some point, I really felt like he lost interest in helping me, even though he didn't say it directly. Things just kind of dried up and I stopped going. It didn't end badly, I just stopped. So, now I look back and think, maybe he was right? Maybe I should have been on medication and should have gone back to work? But I wasn't ready to hear that then? So does that mean I shouldn't have been in therapy? I don't think so. I just wish I'd had the foresight then to look for someone else who would have been supportive of my decision not to go on meds and not to go back to work. Instead, I gave up on therapy and it took me 10 years to go back to it. Not really sure if this is an option for you, to find someone else who would be supportive of your decision. But thought I would throw it out there, because at least you are trying to get help.

Sweetpea, I was a lot like you when I was in college. had a hard time getting myself to do assignments. And there was always a reason. But it was never that i was lazy. Maybe I was scared of the assignment? maybe there was something else after that I didn't want to deal with? But laziness, no. So be gentle and keep trying. you will work it all out. And also, I went to therapy when I was 19 or 20. The first part of therapy was okay. We did a lot of childhood stuff. But then the second half, I couldn't talk at all. I would just sit there and say, I dunno, I dunno. I felt like he hated me for coming to him. It's so hard to do therapy at your age, so give yourself lots of check pluses for even trying!!!!

blackbird: i guess you're right that she's FINALLY figuring out what i need!!! it took her long enough..
i'm still not sure how to trust her. i feel like i don't know her atall and it's hard telling a stranger everything. I dunno if i could talk to her about my reactions yet though..that would be scary!
that's funny, mine said exactly the same about me quitting!

Liese: Hey, you're never too late to join in! thanks for replying even though i complain about my therapist alllllll the time i don't think i really want to leave her! she still asks me every week if i have changed my mind about medication and i keep saying no! thanks, i'll keep trying with my assignments! its really hard though. you sound a lot like me when you were younger! my answer to everything my therapist asks is 'I dunno' aswel i bet she's probably sick of me by now..

Hi Sweetpea,

Yea, I used to feel like my therapist was so frustrated with me. It was not a good feeling. You sound a little better today.

i was feeling better but now i feel horrible i have so much work to do.. and nothing is working out the way i want it to. i feel like dropping out of college right now