Hello TAS,

My therapists are honest about things I do that require a change in our relationship (hit a boundary), etc or work with me on patterns they notice in our interaction (not sure if that counts). "Being bothered" would be about them so if they thought there was an issue or were having a reaction they thought would be useful in our work then they would say so. My Ts are extremely consistent, especially about time and communication. If they wanted to see how I reacted to something we'd work together and do it in a way I wouldn't be activated rather than in some secret experiment.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of stuff my T calls "mind reading". You can't know why someone is doing something unless you ask. Often, our speculations are about us and our own issues. Do you do things like you are thinking he is doing to communicate to people when you don't like them? Or have you felt people in the past who do not like you have done this?

So anyway, my opinion aside, my Ts would never communicate like that with their clients and if they did, I hope they would notice and remedy it and address it in themselves, supervision, or within our relationship if needed. Hopefully you can ask your T about the time change.

(((TAS)))

I while back I could have written what you wrote above. I wonder, though, why we have that misconception? It must come from somewhere? The movies? Tas, what about changing your tack with T? It could be him and it could be you or it could be the both of you. But what about just telling him that you would appreciate it if he would greet you in a warmer manner, that it would help you feel more comfortable? On top of that, however, the fact that you've told him before that it bothers you and he hasn't "heard" you or isn't willing to make an accommodation for you or hasn't explained himself to you, could feel like he's ignoring you and you are not important to him or your feelings are not important to him.

On the one hand, you could learn about yourself here: you are put off when people do not greet you with a smile. But, then again, who wouldn't feel that way? I don't think it's that unusual. On the other hand, a relationship is a give and take.

Maybe part of it is that when we are little, everything feels personal and lots of things are personal. My sister did things to me to piss me off. That's the negative stuff we carry forward with us into other relationships.

Maybe another part of it is the T's themselves, depending upon their orientation and training and the whole blank screen thing. The blank screen thing could cause someone like me an awful lot of anxiety and I would fill in the most negative/dreadful things.

The trauma literature talks about T's needing to be transparent and open, genuine and warm. I'm not so sure that all of the T's understand this. My T didn't. I told him I felt like he was "treating" me and he told me he had been. Now I feel like our relationship is much more genuine.

quote:

In a strange way, after the relief had worn off, I was almost let down. Sure, if she had been deliberately trying to provoke me that would have been disturbing but it would have meant that I had really got to her/had an impact on her personally. I'm really ashamed to admit that here.

Cat (quick hijack here)

I have often felt the same way. If what they are doing isn't intentional, then it means the opposite, that they don't care. Like for instance, when the woman T double booked me. If I thought she double booked me as part of me treatment to see how I would react, then, wow, look at how much she is thinking about my treatment and caring about me. On the other hand, if she didn't double book me intentionally, then how do I interpret that and how do I interpret the fact that she chose to see the other woman instead of me? Clearly, she seemed to care (at least in that moment) more about the other woman than about me and the disparity between what I thought and reality is pretty huge.

My T and I have talked about that now but I've never talked to him about why I did that. I wonder if it's when I was actually neglected that somehow I turned it into an act of caring, of being noticed - like you said? It seems like it's an important thing to take note of, it could mean that we are actually being neglected when we feel like someone is being caring.

Thank you for all of your replies. I have broached the subject, but only in a letter. I am too chicken to do it in person. I feel that no matter how I tell him, at least he knows.

I don't know if he should change it or not. If he changes it, is it him giving me what I want...as opposed to what I need? If he did smile at me when I came in...would it short circuit the true work that needs to be done?

I don't know. I just want to feel warmth and comfort instead of cold and withdrawn. It's not his job to make me feel that way, I guess.

Cat, Catalyst and Liese...THANK YOU. I appreciate your thoughtful replies.

All the best,
T.

I tend to worry about such things myself. One time I did say to my T that she doesn't even really greet me in the waiting room just sort of nods for me to come into the office. But one day after session she saw a young woman in the waiting room and said "Hi Annie" or something like that with great enthusiasm. At that point I did say "You must like her because you don't greet me that way" She said that she hadn't seen this person in a very long time. Well I noticed over time that I was scrutinizing everything my therapist did and said and this was causing her to sort of back away from me. Because after all who wants to be scrutinized? So I decided recently to work on giving her the benefit of the doubt. I work really hard to see the possibilities for what she says or does in the positive way instead of the usual negative interpretation I put on it. This is really, really hard for me to do. But it is paying off. She is becoming much warmer and caring toward me and it makes me want to work harder at giving her the benefit of the doubt. At any rate I know how painful this stuff can be. Therapy is so painful.

((((TAS))))

quote:

I don't know if he should change it or not. If he changes it, is it him giving me what I want...as opposed to what I need? If he did smile at me when I came in...would it short circuit the true work that needs to be done?

I don't think it would short circuit the work that needs to be done; why should it? I'm always greeted with a warm smile and I don't think it's had any adverse affect on my therapy, quite the reverse in fact.

quote:

I don't know. I just want to feel warmth and comfort instead of cold and withdrawn. It's not his job to make me feel that way, I guess.

Isn't it? I'd have thought that was his job, at least during the time you spend in your sessions with him. Feeling warmth and comfort equals feeling safe in my view,and that has to be a big part of his job, right?

Maybe his stern cold manner is 'just the way he is' and I'm sure it's nothing personal, but I can understand how that would upset you. It wouldn't work for me either if I'm honest with you, and I hope you can express to him how this makes you feel.

AV.

Hi Tas,
My T always greats me with a big smile and looks pleased to see me. If she did not I would be worrying the whole session that something was wrong!

Sorry to interrupt the flow...

But I'm sort of jealous you guys actually LOOK at your Ts when you greet them. I'm still saying hello to my T's shoes when they come out to get me for sessions. Their greeting doesn't bother me I've just never looked at them, they are warm in what they say so I can only imagine the face matches. Some brave folks on here!

I hope you can talk more to your T about it, TAS.

quote:

But I'm sort of jealous you guys actually LOOK at your Ts when you greet them. I'm still saying hello to my T's shoes when they come out to get me for sessions.

I looked slightly in my T's general direction the other day and he made a huge deal about the "eye contact" I had given him, which for him meant I wasn't looking anywhere but at him. I don't remember even looking at him...I spaced out, lol.

By the time I do manage to look (glance?) at my T, he always seems happy to see me and positive. He wishes I would take that in more, but I guess I find it threatening?

There are some things I've brought up to T that he has worked to change as a result of understanding how I interpret them. For example, his use of ellipses in texts, he recently informed me, has completely disappeared, because of how I interpreted them led him to research and conclude he was using them wrongly and possibly triggering others with them. However, there are certain things (the centrality of spiritual topics to his work) that are just who he is and even when I've identified triggers, while he is sensitive to the way he brings them up, he can't/won't change them. I know it's not about me or not caring that I feel safe, it's just not something he can authentically do.

The only way I have found out which things can be changed and which things cannot is to risk to bring it up, talk through all the things that come up for me, and actually listen to his replies on the topic over time. For a long time, I couldn't bring up anything at all. Then, I could bring it up, but then completely take all responsibility and refuse to discuss it further. Then, I could bring it up, admit that changes would help, but couldn't bare to hear his willingness to change or explanation of why he couldn't. Then, finally, I could bring it up, tell him how freaked out about him changing for me I was or how scared I was that him not changing meant I was bad for asking, listen to his answer, and talk through everything involved until we both understood where the other person stood, regardless of what decision was made.

When I get to that point on an issue, it feels terrifying, but also good, and eventually, over time, safe. The answer feels safe either way. If he changes, I know it's not because I'm "making him," but it's something he wants to do and believes will help in the work we do together. I can trust him in this, because I have experienced him looking out for my good over and over. It he doesn't change, I feels safe, because he is setting a boundary, because he is who he is, despite being very flexible in some areas, and nothing I can do will make him change and be somebody else. It might hurt initially to not have what I want, but the negotiation, understanding better who T is and learning to accept that him being different than I feel I would like or need in some cases is not a threat. Over time, I've learned he will be safe either way and it makes it easier (errr, well, it passes more quickly than it used to!) to tolerate all the negative transference and projections that emerge when I am disappointed or hurt or scared.