(((((((((Cipher)))))))))
Here is a hug to help carry you through the weekend.
DR
quote:I did something that would probably disappoint you. I wrote an email to my T begging her to give me another chance. I told her that even though I thought her decision was prematurely made, that I felt some responsibility for not always being honest with her (though not in the way she believes).
Hi Cipher... I, for one, am not disappointed at all. What you are doing is perfectly normal for what you are going through. In fact, I did exactly the same thing. Just before my final abandonment I wrote my oldT a letter and in it I told him that I was sorry for not always being totally open and honest, and that I withheld some feelings (mostly about him) and some other trauma information. That I would try to be more honest, etc. The real truth was that it was HIM who was not open and honest.
Then after I got the "official" termination email from him I sent him another email letter begging for a termination session. That did not go over too well. And lastly, when I had complication from my surgery and had to go back to the hospital I was terrified. It was only about a week after he abandoned me and I wrote him an email begging him to contact me and help me deal with having to go back to the hospital. He never responded to that. I think that was so cruel. My current T was aghast when I told him.
So you are doing what is perfectly normal to do. That is reaching out for your attachment figure when you are scared and in pain. The problem is that it's your attachment figure who is causing the fear and pain. It just reenacts the whole disorganized attachment scenario from childhood. The kindest thing your T can do for you now is to stick with the termination and let you go on to be free of her and to find a T that will be more effective in helping you heal. You are absolutely correct in that her behavior has undone so much of what you have been struggling to do. The trust has been harshly broken and it would be very difficult if not impossible to ever get back to that place again. Of course I didn't see this while I was in the middle of it, but I truly understand it now. I know it sounds mean to say that I hope she does not take you back but I think it would be in your best interest to get away from her.
I also want to agree with what the others said. I am sure she loved you and wanted to help you, but, unfortunately, she was not healthy enough herself to see this through. It was HER shortcomings and not yours. But I also understand that trauma makes it hard to accept that you could not have done SOMETHING to prevent it from happening and you end up blaming yourself I also believe my oldT cared very much for me (and maybe it was even love) but he was not a healthy person and he could not handle it and so he ran away from me like a coward.
Also, like you, I had a trip planned for the week after the abandonment happened. It was so difficult for me to pack and organize our family vacation because of the trauma and the crying. I felt utterly paralyzed. I finally understood what people meant when they would talk of paralyzing grief. I hope the valium is helpful to you in the short term, but please use it carefully. I had to give up both my anxiety med and my painkillers (from surgery) in order to be releaased from the ER. I had nothing to help get me through. Only Advil for my surgery pain.
So, I just wanted you to know you are doing exactly what you are expected to do. Time will help. Talking to a new T will help and posting here for support will help. You may want to isolate but try not to. Stay with life and routine. During all the worst of the trauma, no matter how grief-stricken I was, I still went for a weekly manicure. I know it sounds crazy but for me it was a way to hold onto my old life and it was a way to begin to tolerate safe touch again. I felt so horrible I could not imagine anyone wanting to touch me ever again.
If things get bad enough and you have an SU feelings or thoughts then definitely get in touch with your doctor and if you need to check in to get some care then do so.
I hope you manage to get some peace and enjoyment from your trip. If they have free i nternet and you want to check in here, please do. I'd like to know that you are doing okay.
Hugs
TN
I'm really sorry Cipher *hug* the whole demons thing sounds super off the wall. i hope you are able to find a new t and recover from this. TN can be a big inspiration for you here, I'm sure.
I am taking a quick moment away from my family reunion to post a response. Thank you AG, Liese, and TN for your non-judgment and understanding of my struggle not to keep crawling after my T. Thank you Deeply-Rooted, Catalyst, and all of you for the hugs. I need them right now.
Liese, I didn't know that but I'm not surprised. Sometimes emotional pain can be so intense that physical pain is preferable as a distraction or end to it. That's how I felt this morning during the waking up process. As my mind transitioned from the blissful ignorance of the sleep state to conscious awareness, the reality of my loss once again spilled over me in new waves. And then throughout the day there are continual reminders -- little things someone says in innocent conversation that bring to mind some private experience between T and I from the past. Not very many daytime minutes go by before encountering another reminder. It makes me long for the forgetting that sleep brings.
TN, I am so sorry for what your T did to you, to ignore you even despite your pleas and hospitalization. Do these T's comprehend at all the depth of the pain they can cause us? Or are they oblivious to it?
Yes, that is exactly where my thoughts have taken me, to planning on withdrawing from people and life. I want to stop going to church. I want to stop school. I don't feel motivated to take pride in my public appearance as much, though I don't plan to venture much farther than the post office and grocery store and back home again. It seems to take more energy to do things when there is no motivation. Your suggestion is probably good advice for me. Its just so hard to care right now.
I am discouraged that I left 3 messages for other therapists last Thursday but none have bothered to get back with me. Basic courtesy says they should respond even if they don't have openings, just to let me know instead of leaving me hanging. But maybe its just as well. I am beginning to lean toward the idea of not going to any more counseling. I don't have faith that there is anyone worth their salt in my entire state. Plus, I just can't see myself repeating this whole process from step 1.
I better go. Maybe things will get better soon. Its getting close to bedtime when I can temporarily forget about it all.
quote:They've discovered that the way we feel emotional pain is the same as the way we feel physical pain.
Liese, I didn't know that but I'm not surprised. Sometimes emotional pain can be so intense that physical pain is preferable as a distraction or end to it. That's how I felt this morning during the waking up process. As my mind transitioned from the blissful ignorance of the sleep state to conscious awareness, the reality of my loss once again spilled over me in new waves. And then throughout the day there are continual reminders -- little things someone says in innocent conversation that bring to mind some private experience between T and I from the past. Not very many daytime minutes go by before encountering another reminder. It makes me long for the forgetting that sleep brings.
TN, I am so sorry for what your T did to you, to ignore you even despite your pleas and hospitalization. Do these T's comprehend at all the depth of the pain they can cause us? Or are they oblivious to it?
quote:You may want to isolate but try not to.
Yes, that is exactly where my thoughts have taken me, to planning on withdrawing from people and life. I want to stop going to church. I want to stop school. I don't feel motivated to take pride in my public appearance as much, though I don't plan to venture much farther than the post office and grocery store and back home again. It seems to take more energy to do things when there is no motivation. Your suggestion is probably good advice for me. Its just so hard to care right now.
I am discouraged that I left 3 messages for other therapists last Thursday but none have bothered to get back with me. Basic courtesy says they should respond even if they don't have openings, just to let me know instead of leaving me hanging. But maybe its just as well. I am beginning to lean toward the idea of not going to any more counseling. I don't have faith that there is anyone worth their salt in my entire state. Plus, I just can't see myself repeating this whole process from step 1.
I better go. Maybe things will get better soon. Its getting close to bedtime when I can temporarily forget about it all.
quote:I am discouraged that I left 3 messages for other therapists last Thursday but none have bothered to get back with me.
Cipher... it's good to hear from you. Mornings can be really tough. I remember I would wake up literally shaking and unable to move for quite awhile until I could somehow calm myself down. And yes, it was all those little things that you see or hear that will bring memories and pain. Grief is like that. It comes in waves. It does get easier with time.
I just wanted to mention that most T's that I have encountered do not work on Friday. So perhaps you will get those return calls next week. Keep in mind too, that Monday is a holiday in the US... So don't get discouraged just yet and keep making calls if you can find other T's to call.
I hope you can enjoy the rest of the reunion.
Hugs
TN
quote:planning on withdrawing from people and life.
Hi Cipher,
I did withdraw after my termination probably because I felt unworthy of relationships after being treated badly by someone that I trusted so completely and who supposedly loved me.
But this is where another therapist helped. The first T I saw helped me with the grief by validating all the feelings I was experiencing with a sudden termination and unusual therapeutic relationship with my exP. I think just having a professional tell me over and over that his treatment of me was wrong helped me move on to the next step.
Even though I didn't stay with her beyond about 9 months, I really needed her at that time to allow me to process the grief so I wouldn't withdraw entirely from everyone else in my life.
After about 9 months, she said I should stop talking about the exP so I found another P. Prior to finding him, I went to 2 other Ps, but they were unwilling to discuss the exP. It can be difficult finding a therapist who is willing to discuss problems associated with another therapist, and I know it's hard to be persistent in searching out Ts when you are in so much pain, but I believe it's worth it.
Cipher... are you home again?
How are you doing? Just checking in with you.
TN
How are you doing? Just checking in with you.
TN
Thank you for asking, TN. Yes, I got home late last night from my trip and just now got all the kiddos off to school, so I have a moment to post.
I thought I might share some of the email exchanges between my T and I over the weekend. Though it is long, its the easiest way to update rather than trying to take the emotional energy to paraphrase it all. The last communication with T that I wrote about was me telling her I didn't think I would be able to keep the promise I wanted to make to be more open with her, even if she did allow me to come back. This was her response (with minor editing in brackets to protect identities and preserve clarity):
[Cipher]. I have to tell you how angry and frustrated I am with all your rantings which show a complete disregard for anything we may have shared together. You attack and blame and make it about everything but what it is. Ok. If you need to believe all that garbage. Go ahead. You have done it before. We were both attacked by demons in the last session and it was going to cut you. A week before that I was threatened in the drawing game. I have been threatened many times prior to that. It is so easy for you to turn on me. If I look at this satan would like very much for us to resume wouldn't he. He can use you and destroy me and you don't even know it. Go ahead make me the bad guy. I can handle it. I happen to think I am listening to a higher voice Who says protect yourself and [me]. As long as they can use you to hurt me or anyone I love I have to say no. I do love you dearly and your grief I share. Goodnight dear j
Then I wrote back this email:
[T], I am the one who has been terminated, remember? Not the other way around. I am amazed that you feel you have the right to be angry at me because I am upset about this decision you made without me and because I dare to be upset that you broke your solemn promise not to abandon me. I have every right to be angry and distrustful at this point. Of course this is not as painful for you as it is for me because as the "professional" you do not need me; I am the one who has the needs. Needs for trust, attachment, dependability. At which point did you forget that part and just decide that I should "understand"? I am sure the devil is just laughing that he has succeeded in using your fear to violate your ethical principles and destroy our work together. No, I do not believe God would instruct you to abruptly abandon me like this, especially if you believe what you say, that I am not the darkness. I thought God loved all his children and desired to bless and help them. I thought God was not a weak god ruled by fear. Have you asked yourself if you are projecting your fears onto me and hearing what you want to hear?
I beg to differ that you were ever attacked by demons because of me. Yes, I was in a dark mood and probably did not have the Holy Ghost with me at that session. But you can't go accusing everyone in a dark mood of being possessed by demons, nor can you blame me for your own sources of darkness. I am not responsible for your own vulnerabilites, and to blame me that the demons "got to you" sounds like projection. And yes, I vocalized the urge to hurt myself, but I didn't act on it, did I. It is not uncommon for clients to have self-destructive urges, but you don't abruptly abandon them for it. I am also not aware of any specific threat that was made to your person. Can you give me even one example where you specifically have been threatened with physical harm to yourself? I don't think that has ever happened. The drawing game "threat" was not referring to you but to me. It said you should not ask too many questions or it would not be safe for her -- the "her" referring to me, not you. It was a protective statement to warn that I was not ready to answer the questions you would ask. You misconstrued it to be something more than it was.
You have received more legitimate threats from/thru [name of cult client] than from me, and I am sure that danger has not gone away. Yet with her you have faith and loyalty. Why turn against me, who has zero cult involvement, but remain supportive to her? That part I cannot understand, and is one reason why I cannot help wonder if there is more to this story than what you are admitting.
I don't know why I am wasting my time trying to talk reason into you because as long as I have known you, you have never wanted to lose an argument. I wonder if for you to admit you might be wrong now would be unacceptable to your ego. Maybe that, and your fear, is stronger than your love and commitment to me.
I am attached to you [T]. You led me to get there. You said it would be safe to trust you and love you. You said I would leave you before you ever left me. You reassured me of this time and time again. Now what do I have left to believe in? But even in my pain, I still want to protect you from the criticism of others. Yet I will tell you this one thing, which is the closest thing to a real threat against you that you can honestly accuse me of: if you ever, ever harm my daughter [name deleted] by abruptly running away from her the way you have done to me, I will not protect you. I will come after you with everything I have to destroy you and your career and reputation if you wound little [name deleted] this way. So you may want to think twice before making that mistake with her. I would pull her away from you now if she was not already attached to you, but she would not want to leave now, and she needs someone. I have not told her what has transpired between you and me because I did not want to damage the relationship she has built with you, but be careful with her tender heart.
I thought there was a good chance that me sending that last email would anger her more, but I couldn't help but express my feelings anyway, knowing holding them back would make no difference in the outcome. T did write back, but not in the angry tone I expected:
I love you [Cipher]. You don't get it and minimize the seriousness of it all. I am full of light in absolute love of god. Satan can only get to me through others. I have been warned and don't intend to walk with him. You are right that god loves you and would never have wanted this but he doesn't want us courting satan either. My light and spirit are more important to me than anything. Satan wants me and you and wants me back with you. Don't ask me how I know and though you mean well the words you are speaking sound like the dark trying to get me to relent and hurt us both. This is as much for you as for me. I will know if the time ever comes that we can see each other again. I love you [Cipher]. Please take care of yourself and be good to your kids and [H]. I am standing in the wings.
That last part seems to come across as egotistical, even narcissistic. Especially the part about "Satan can only get to me through others." But if you knew her, truly she is a spiritual person who is devoted to living her life according to her moral beliefs. So I have mixed feelings about that email. This was what I wrote back:
You are right, I don't understand. Why do you think satan would WANT you to work with me if GOOD things have come from it? Because a lot of good has come from us working together, don't you think? I feel like you had helped me make progress. Why would that make satan happy? It doesn't make sense what you are saying.
"I will know if the time ever comes that we can see each other again."
How will you be able to know this if we have no contact? You can't even tell me what to do to fix this problem.
Is any of this because you want to retire and go on a [church service mission] soon so you need to get rid of baggage like me holding you back? Is that how I am being a bad influence?
I miss you. I cannot go very many minutes in the day without encountering reminders of you in some form. I am sorry that to you I am something to be avoided, as if I would drag you to hell myself.
I wrote that in desperation right before I went to bed Friday, but on Saturday morning I woke up feeling defeated and resigned to my fate. So I wrote this:
I am sorry that I am an evil poison to you. I dont want to contaminate you. I will try to respect your right to protect yourself from me. Goodbye.
Late Saturday night, my T responded to that message with this:
You are not but it seems the dark can use your self hate and hopeless worthlessness to hurt us both. Also, it seems that something is trying to surface and the dark will punish you and me if we try to get at it. I wish I could make you understand that it isn't you. I love and miss you very much and it's because I do that I have to do this for us because you aren't strong or protective enough to do it. I have tried to think if any contact would be dangerous and I do t know that answer. I am surely trying to think it through. Hope you are having a good time in Cali and please have a safe trip home. Night j
I have not initiated any contact since then, nor has she. I am resigned to accepting that my T cares but that I am not going to be able to see her anymore. I am feeling somewhat numb about it at the moment and don't know if this dead feeling will last or if it is just a matter of time before another grief wave hits.
A fellow client of my T, who has become a friend of mine through group therapy experiences together, texted me over the weekend and we decided to do lunch later today. Problem is that she asked me when I had an appointment with T next, and without going into any details I told her I don't have anything scheduled. So it is bound to come up. She will ask why I am not seeing T anymore. Even though I will want to tell her about it so I can have her shoulder to cry on, I know it would be unethical to share it because it could harm her own trust and relationship with T. I would not wish on her the same pain, and I really doubt my T would ever abandon her because she is ill with a terminal disease and doesn't have much time left -- certainly not enough time to start over with another T. So I must put on a brave face and protect my friend from my pain for her own good.
I thought I might share some of the email exchanges between my T and I over the weekend. Though it is long, its the easiest way to update rather than trying to take the emotional energy to paraphrase it all. The last communication with T that I wrote about was me telling her I didn't think I would be able to keep the promise I wanted to make to be more open with her, even if she did allow me to come back. This was her response (with minor editing in brackets to protect identities and preserve clarity):
[Cipher]. I have to tell you how angry and frustrated I am with all your rantings which show a complete disregard for anything we may have shared together. You attack and blame and make it about everything but what it is. Ok. If you need to believe all that garbage. Go ahead. You have done it before. We were both attacked by demons in the last session and it was going to cut you. A week before that I was threatened in the drawing game. I have been threatened many times prior to that. It is so easy for you to turn on me. If I look at this satan would like very much for us to resume wouldn't he. He can use you and destroy me and you don't even know it. Go ahead make me the bad guy. I can handle it. I happen to think I am listening to a higher voice Who says protect yourself and [me]. As long as they can use you to hurt me or anyone I love I have to say no. I do love you dearly and your grief I share. Goodnight dear j
Then I wrote back this email:
[T], I am the one who has been terminated, remember? Not the other way around. I am amazed that you feel you have the right to be angry at me because I am upset about this decision you made without me and because I dare to be upset that you broke your solemn promise not to abandon me. I have every right to be angry and distrustful at this point. Of course this is not as painful for you as it is for me because as the "professional" you do not need me; I am the one who has the needs. Needs for trust, attachment, dependability. At which point did you forget that part and just decide that I should "understand"? I am sure the devil is just laughing that he has succeeded in using your fear to violate your ethical principles and destroy our work together. No, I do not believe God would instruct you to abruptly abandon me like this, especially if you believe what you say, that I am not the darkness. I thought God loved all his children and desired to bless and help them. I thought God was not a weak god ruled by fear. Have you asked yourself if you are projecting your fears onto me and hearing what you want to hear?
I beg to differ that you were ever attacked by demons because of me. Yes, I was in a dark mood and probably did not have the Holy Ghost with me at that session. But you can't go accusing everyone in a dark mood of being possessed by demons, nor can you blame me for your own sources of darkness. I am not responsible for your own vulnerabilites, and to blame me that the demons "got to you" sounds like projection. And yes, I vocalized the urge to hurt myself, but I didn't act on it, did I. It is not uncommon for clients to have self-destructive urges, but you don't abruptly abandon them for it. I am also not aware of any specific threat that was made to your person. Can you give me even one example where you specifically have been threatened with physical harm to yourself? I don't think that has ever happened. The drawing game "threat" was not referring to you but to me. It said you should not ask too many questions or it would not be safe for her -- the "her" referring to me, not you. It was a protective statement to warn that I was not ready to answer the questions you would ask. You misconstrued it to be something more than it was.
You have received more legitimate threats from/thru [name of cult client] than from me, and I am sure that danger has not gone away. Yet with her you have faith and loyalty. Why turn against me, who has zero cult involvement, but remain supportive to her? That part I cannot understand, and is one reason why I cannot help wonder if there is more to this story than what you are admitting.
I don't know why I am wasting my time trying to talk reason into you because as long as I have known you, you have never wanted to lose an argument. I wonder if for you to admit you might be wrong now would be unacceptable to your ego. Maybe that, and your fear, is stronger than your love and commitment to me.
I am attached to you [T]. You led me to get there. You said it would be safe to trust you and love you. You said I would leave you before you ever left me. You reassured me of this time and time again. Now what do I have left to believe in? But even in my pain, I still want to protect you from the criticism of others. Yet I will tell you this one thing, which is the closest thing to a real threat against you that you can honestly accuse me of: if you ever, ever harm my daughter [name deleted] by abruptly running away from her the way you have done to me, I will not protect you. I will come after you with everything I have to destroy you and your career and reputation if you wound little [name deleted] this way. So you may want to think twice before making that mistake with her. I would pull her away from you now if she was not already attached to you, but she would not want to leave now, and she needs someone. I have not told her what has transpired between you and me because I did not want to damage the relationship she has built with you, but be careful with her tender heart.
I thought there was a good chance that me sending that last email would anger her more, but I couldn't help but express my feelings anyway, knowing holding them back would make no difference in the outcome. T did write back, but not in the angry tone I expected:
I love you [Cipher]. You don't get it and minimize the seriousness of it all. I am full of light in absolute love of god. Satan can only get to me through others. I have been warned and don't intend to walk with him. You are right that god loves you and would never have wanted this but he doesn't want us courting satan either. My light and spirit are more important to me than anything. Satan wants me and you and wants me back with you. Don't ask me how I know and though you mean well the words you are speaking sound like the dark trying to get me to relent and hurt us both. This is as much for you as for me. I will know if the time ever comes that we can see each other again. I love you [Cipher]. Please take care of yourself and be good to your kids and [H]. I am standing in the wings.
That last part seems to come across as egotistical, even narcissistic. Especially the part about "Satan can only get to me through others." But if you knew her, truly she is a spiritual person who is devoted to living her life according to her moral beliefs. So I have mixed feelings about that email. This was what I wrote back:
You are right, I don't understand. Why do you think satan would WANT you to work with me if GOOD things have come from it? Because a lot of good has come from us working together, don't you think? I feel like you had helped me make progress. Why would that make satan happy? It doesn't make sense what you are saying.
"I will know if the time ever comes that we can see each other again."
How will you be able to know this if we have no contact? You can't even tell me what to do to fix this problem.
Is any of this because you want to retire and go on a [church service mission] soon so you need to get rid of baggage like me holding you back? Is that how I am being a bad influence?
I miss you. I cannot go very many minutes in the day without encountering reminders of you in some form. I am sorry that to you I am something to be avoided, as if I would drag you to hell myself.
I wrote that in desperation right before I went to bed Friday, but on Saturday morning I woke up feeling defeated and resigned to my fate. So I wrote this:
I am sorry that I am an evil poison to you. I dont want to contaminate you. I will try to respect your right to protect yourself from me. Goodbye.
Late Saturday night, my T responded to that message with this:
You are not but it seems the dark can use your self hate and hopeless worthlessness to hurt us both. Also, it seems that something is trying to surface and the dark will punish you and me if we try to get at it. I wish I could make you understand that it isn't you. I love and miss you very much and it's because I do that I have to do this for us because you aren't strong or protective enough to do it. I have tried to think if any contact would be dangerous and I do t know that answer. I am surely trying to think it through. Hope you are having a good time in Cali and please have a safe trip home. Night j
I have not initiated any contact since then, nor has she. I am resigned to accepting that my T cares but that I am not going to be able to see her anymore. I am feeling somewhat numb about it at the moment and don't know if this dead feeling will last or if it is just a matter of time before another grief wave hits.
A fellow client of my T, who has become a friend of mine through group therapy experiences together, texted me over the weekend and we decided to do lunch later today. Problem is that she asked me when I had an appointment with T next, and without going into any details I told her I don't have anything scheduled. So it is bound to come up. She will ask why I am not seeing T anymore. Even though I will want to tell her about it so I can have her shoulder to cry on, I know it would be unethical to share it because it could harm her own trust and relationship with T. I would not wish on her the same pain, and I really doubt my T would ever abandon her because she is ill with a terminal disease and doesn't have much time left -- certainly not enough time to start over with another T. So I must put on a brave face and protect my friend from my pain for her own good.
((((Cipher))))
I'm in utter confusion and pain over the way your T is treating you. I'm so sorry. I don't know how she thinks any evil spirit or whatever else could be stronger than the God she professes to believe in, or how He could fail to protect both of you from those things. That sort of faith seems really twisted to me. Having grown up with a lot of bizarre spiritual stuff from JW family members that distorted what it meant to be protected and loved unconditionally, I find it very upsetting that a professional and professed "believer" would be doing such things. I really hope you are able to find someone truly safe to work with you. You deserve it and your perseverance proves that can be on your way to healing if you have a SAFE person to walk through it with by your side. I hope none of this seems too critical or painful, but you don't deserve this and I want to make sure you know it. I'm so glad to see you standing up for yourself.
I'm in utter confusion and pain over the way your T is treating you. I'm so sorry. I don't know how she thinks any evil spirit or whatever else could be stronger than the God she professes to believe in, or how He could fail to protect both of you from those things. That sort of faith seems really twisted to me. Having grown up with a lot of bizarre spiritual stuff from JW family members that distorted what it meant to be protected and loved unconditionally, I find it very upsetting that a professional and professed "believer" would be doing such things. I really hope you are able to find someone truly safe to work with you. You deserve it and your perseverance proves that can be on your way to healing if you have a SAFE person to walk through it with by your side. I hope none of this seems too critical or painful, but you don't deserve this and I want to make sure you know it. I'm so glad to see you standing up for yourself.
(((Cipher)))
I don't think we've "met" before, but I've been following your thread with interest and have been a little horrified at the cruelty of your termination story. I haven't commented before now because I just haven't been sure what to say, but. . . having read these emails I have to say your T seems (to me) more than a little unhinged.
I'm actually something of a fundamentalist myself in that I take a lot (not all) of the Bible literally and I do think that demon possession is a real possibility in some cases. But the way your T is writing about this-- it just sounds a lot more like delusional, paranoid, grandiose ranting than genuine spiritual discernment or sensitivity. You, in your writings and emails, come across as sooo much more together and grounded.
Not trying to bash your T, really, just to validate your perceptions a little. I wish I could say more that is useful. I hope your spiritual advisor is able to help you through some of this.
I don't think we've "met" before, but I've been following your thread with interest and have been a little horrified at the cruelty of your termination story. I haven't commented before now because I just haven't been sure what to say, but. . . having read these emails I have to say your T seems (to me) more than a little unhinged.
I'm actually something of a fundamentalist myself in that I take a lot (not all) of the Bible literally and I do think that demon possession is a real possibility in some cases. But the way your T is writing about this-- it just sounds a lot more like delusional, paranoid, grandiose ranting than genuine spiritual discernment or sensitivity. You, in your writings and emails, come across as sooo much more together and grounded.
Not trying to bash your T, really, just to validate your perceptions a little. I wish I could say more that is useful. I hope your spiritual advisor is able to help you through some of this.
Cipher,
WARNING T BASHING
this T is going to do you much more harm than good. Keep all the written communication and report her to the authorities. She is not safe for anyone in a vulnerable position. I (and I'm sure the others here too ) will support you in your grief over being abandoned and betrayed and subject to appallingly unprofessional conduct. You deserve so much better and there are good, ethical T's out there that will help you heal from this and your past hurts.
Huge hugs xxx
WARNING T BASHING
this T is going to do you much more harm than good. Keep all the written communication and report her to the authorities. She is not safe for anyone in a vulnerable position. I (and I'm sure the others here too ) will support you in your grief over being abandoned and betrayed and subject to appallingly unprofessional conduct. You deserve so much better and there are good, ethical T's out there that will help you heal from this and your past hurts.
Huge hugs xxx
Cipher... sorry it took so long to get back to you. I am in agreement with the others. I thought my oldT was harmful but this is truly frightening reading. It seems that your T has had some kind of breakdown and is not in touch with reality.
Please go see some other Ts and find someone who can help you grieve the loss and work through these awful things she is telling you. None of this is true or real. You need to move on and I would not allow someone with her beliefs see a child of mine. I know your daughter may be attached too but (as everyone told me) kids are resilient and you need to think of her long-term well being. My son never even had a termination session and he moved on. He is doing okay.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I know how the pain can take your breath away and your will to move forward but you have to for your kids. They need a mom who is there for them. The worst part of losing my oldT was then losing a YEAR of time with my son. I was so traumatized I could not be present and be a good mom to him for a year. It is all a fog when I look back to that time.
But I am living proof that you can find another, even better T, recover and move forward. It is not easy but it is quite possible with some determination and the right T. There can be even better and more healthy attachment. This kind of "attachment" that she offers to you is damaging and conditional and harmful.
I know it's tempting to go back and forth with contact but I would ask you to put whatever energy you have into researching Ts and finding one who has experience in trauma and attachment who can help you through this and forward to healing.
Thinking of you
Hugs
TN
Please go see some other Ts and find someone who can help you grieve the loss and work through these awful things she is telling you. None of this is true or real. You need to move on and I would not allow someone with her beliefs see a child of mine. I know your daughter may be attached too but (as everyone told me) kids are resilient and you need to think of her long-term well being. My son never even had a termination session and he moved on. He is doing okay.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I know how the pain can take your breath away and your will to move forward but you have to for your kids. They need a mom who is there for them. The worst part of losing my oldT was then losing a YEAR of time with my son. I was so traumatized I could not be present and be a good mom to him for a year. It is all a fog when I look back to that time.
But I am living proof that you can find another, even better T, recover and move forward. It is not easy but it is quite possible with some determination and the right T. There can be even better and more healthy attachment. This kind of "attachment" that she offers to you is damaging and conditional and harmful.
I know it's tempting to go back and forth with contact but I would ask you to put whatever energy you have into researching Ts and finding one who has experience in trauma and attachment who can help you through this and forward to healing.
Thinking of you
Hugs
TN
Cipher,
I waited to calm down before replying. I have no doubt that your T loves you deeply, but she is no longer a competent therapist and will only continue to hurt you. Reading that exchange, you sounded so much clearer, grounded and more insightful about what was going on than she does. I kept thinking "who's the therapist here?"
I also do not think it is ever appropriate for a therapist to direct that kind of anger, and especially all the blaming, towards a client as she does in her email towards you. My overarching impression is that this is all about her defenses and protecting herself from owning the fact that she isn't able to help you and that as a matter of fact her handling of the boundaries and her understanding of what you are going through and what you need is inadequate at best.
The spiritual scenario of blaming all on demons is the perfect answer for her. It allows her to flee from her own inadequacies while being able to tell herself that she is not blaming you. As if telling a trauma victim that they carry evil within them isn't a confirmation of their worst fears (even though it's a lie). I do not believe she is doing any of this consciously, I think she really believes everything she is telling you. Which makes her even more dangerous, because she is acting to meet her own needs and protect herself at your expense, while remaining oblivious to doing so.
Along with everyone else, I urge you to go find another therapist. And I would not hide this from the other patient of hers, nor would I leave my daughter in her care. If she is making your therapy about her, then she is doing that to other patients.
I'm sorry, I know this is harsh to hear, and I would want to defend my therapist to the death (it's one thing for me to criticize him, but other people aren't allowed to) but for the sake of your well-being, I think it is important to speak. I hope you can find somewhere to heal, TN proves its possible.
AG
I waited to calm down before replying. I have no doubt that your T loves you deeply, but she is no longer a competent therapist and will only continue to hurt you. Reading that exchange, you sounded so much clearer, grounded and more insightful about what was going on than she does. I kept thinking "who's the therapist here?"
I also do not think it is ever appropriate for a therapist to direct that kind of anger, and especially all the blaming, towards a client as she does in her email towards you. My overarching impression is that this is all about her defenses and protecting herself from owning the fact that she isn't able to help you and that as a matter of fact her handling of the boundaries and her understanding of what you are going through and what you need is inadequate at best.
The spiritual scenario of blaming all on demons is the perfect answer for her. It allows her to flee from her own inadequacies while being able to tell herself that she is not blaming you. As if telling a trauma victim that they carry evil within them isn't a confirmation of their worst fears (even though it's a lie). I do not believe she is doing any of this consciously, I think she really believes everything she is telling you. Which makes her even more dangerous, because she is acting to meet her own needs and protect herself at your expense, while remaining oblivious to doing so.
Along with everyone else, I urge you to go find another therapist. And I would not hide this from the other patient of hers, nor would I leave my daughter in her care. If she is making your therapy about her, then she is doing that to other patients.
I'm sorry, I know this is harsh to hear, and I would want to defend my therapist to the death (it's one thing for me to criticize him, but other people aren't allowed to) but for the sake of your well-being, I think it is important to speak. I hope you can find somewhere to heal, TN proves its possible.
AG
Cipher,
I am appalled at the horrific way you are being treated by your T!
**On a positive note**
I want you to know that I think it shows a lot of maturity of you to see there was good in your relationship with T and that you made progress working with her even though it is ending on a horrible note. Try to hang on to that.
deeplyrooted
I am appalled at the horrific way you are being treated by your T!
**On a positive note**
quote:Because a lot of good has come from us working together, don't you think? I feel like you had helped me make progress
I want you to know that I think it shows a lot of maturity of you to see there was good in your relationship with T and that you made progress working with her even though it is ending on a horrible note. Try to hang on to that.
deeplyrooted
Wow, I don't even know what to say. Because when I read that email exchange myself, you all are right about how she comes across more unhinged than I am. I guess I succeeded in getting her to view me as I have viewed myself at times, as poisonous evil.
AG, I think you may be right that she has come to this decision unconsciously to protect herself from feeling that she can't help me. And Anon, I know you say I don't deserve this but I can't help but think of how I have contributed to this and that it is partly my fault. I have been a difficult patient because in some ways I didn't want to "get better" because that would mean losing my T. Maybe she is right to terminate me, even if she is doing it for the wrong reasons.
HIC, thank you for your support and well wishes. I don't think I will be going to my spiritual advisor for any more advice though. In fact, I am not sure I will go to another counselor either. Still no return calls from the 3 messages I left last Thursday. I am having paranoid delusions that somehow my T has broadcast to the entire community to "Beware of CIPHER calling you for support - you don't want to take her as a patient!" I am not in the mood to beg a stranger to take me on. If they make it difficult for me to even make an initial contact, that's just more reason not to trust.
TN, I know you suggest going to other T's. I just can't see options for it right now. Maybe if I were willing to drive 90 minutes one way, there would be more therapists to choose from, but I am not able to put in that kind of time and money. And actually I have not been suffering so bad for a few days. I'm not sure why because at first I was a complete mess. I think if I were to see my T face to face I would still break down, but for now I am successfully repressing the majority of my grief. Either that or I am an unfeeling shallow person who is incapable of true deep love and so there is no more grief.
Green Eyes I don't have the will to file any formal complaints against her. I may not feel excruciating grief right now but neither do I feel hate. I just don't feel. But thank you for posting your support.
TN & AG, I am thinking about weaning my daughter off my T. But I would need to find a replacement for her. Maybe those two beginning female therapists I wrote about earlier would be ok for her.
However, I am not convinced that I should tell my friend/fellow client of T about my termination. If my friend were to lose her faith in T I think it would hasten her death. T is really her main support for fighting this terminal disease. I am not willing to take that chance. Besides, my friend has already been to every other T in the valley and thinks this one is best for her.
I know what you are all thinking. It must really be bad if my T is the best one around.
Deeply Rooted, thanks for helping me find something good to hold onto. Despite her faults, I have to credit my T with helping me get to this point, which is better than when I started. So I will try not to bitterly look upon the past 3 1/2 years as wasted time.
AG, I think you may be right that she has come to this decision unconsciously to protect herself from feeling that she can't help me. And Anon, I know you say I don't deserve this but I can't help but think of how I have contributed to this and that it is partly my fault. I have been a difficult patient because in some ways I didn't want to "get better" because that would mean losing my T. Maybe she is right to terminate me, even if she is doing it for the wrong reasons.
HIC, thank you for your support and well wishes. I don't think I will be going to my spiritual advisor for any more advice though. In fact, I am not sure I will go to another counselor either. Still no return calls from the 3 messages I left last Thursday. I am having paranoid delusions that somehow my T has broadcast to the entire community to "Beware of CIPHER calling you for support - you don't want to take her as a patient!" I am not in the mood to beg a stranger to take me on. If they make it difficult for me to even make an initial contact, that's just more reason not to trust.
TN, I know you suggest going to other T's. I just can't see options for it right now. Maybe if I were willing to drive 90 minutes one way, there would be more therapists to choose from, but I am not able to put in that kind of time and money. And actually I have not been suffering so bad for a few days. I'm not sure why because at first I was a complete mess. I think if I were to see my T face to face I would still break down, but for now I am successfully repressing the majority of my grief. Either that or I am an unfeeling shallow person who is incapable of true deep love and so there is no more grief.
Green Eyes I don't have the will to file any formal complaints against her. I may not feel excruciating grief right now but neither do I feel hate. I just don't feel. But thank you for posting your support.
TN & AG, I am thinking about weaning my daughter off my T. But I would need to find a replacement for her. Maybe those two beginning female therapists I wrote about earlier would be ok for her.
However, I am not convinced that I should tell my friend/fellow client of T about my termination. If my friend were to lose her faith in T I think it would hasten her death. T is really her main support for fighting this terminal disease. I am not willing to take that chance. Besides, my friend has already been to every other T in the valley and thinks this one is best for her.
I know what you are all thinking. It must really be bad if my T is the best one around.
Deeply Rooted, thanks for helping me find something good to hold onto. Despite her faults, I have to credit my T with helping me get to this point, which is better than when I started. So I will try not to bitterly look upon the past 3 1/2 years as wasted time.
Hey Cipher,
I've just been completely appalled at your T's actions. I don't have anything to add to what's already been said. But she has definitely come unhinged.
As far as your friend...Do you both ever share any experiences with therapy? I wonder if you could get just an inkling of how things are going with her therapy, and maybe that would help you make the decision about whether to tell her or not? Because if you get the feeling (or your friend tells you) that things aren't going well, then it will certainly be to her benefit if you told her your story.
Big hugs to you...keep talking, keep us updated on how you're doing.
I've just been completely appalled at your T's actions. I don't have anything to add to what's already been said. But she has definitely come unhinged.
As far as your friend...Do you both ever share any experiences with therapy? I wonder if you could get just an inkling of how things are going with her therapy, and maybe that would help you make the decision about whether to tell her or not? Because if you get the feeling (or your friend tells you) that things aren't going well, then it will certainly be to her benefit if you told her your story.
Big hugs to you...keep talking, keep us updated on how you're doing.
Thanks for the hugs, Kashley. I forgot to update about my lunch with my friend. I ought to give her a name to make it easier who I am referring to. I will call her BJ. We went to lunch yesterday and I let her do most of the talking. Thankfully, she didn't ask me directly about my therapy. She did speak of our T a few times though, but it was in a positive way. She talked about how she is just now at a point where she has begun trusting T to open up and talk about her history of really bad child abuse, after 4 years of seeing her. She never got to this point with other T's in the past. BJ was severely suicidal when she first started out with T, and she had attempted SU twice with a gun, and miraculously survived both times due to freak unplanned interventions. But in cruel irony, now that she has finally arrived at a point where she can love herself and wants to start living life fully, just recently she was diagnosed with a terminal disease for which there is no known effective treatment. She probably has less than 2 years to live, and she will be progressively disabled along the way. I am not going to take away her support. Besides, I don't think T has the same issues with her as with me. For one thing, T doesn't think BJ has dissociative problems (which could be misinterpreted as demons), and T does feel that she is helping BJ. I could be wrong, but as long as BJ feels positive about T then I don't want to interfere. Hopefully BJ will die feeling supported and loved to the end, something she never really had before in her life.
One of the T's I left a message for actually called back. It is my H's T, John, who works in the same office as my T. My T said she was transferring our marriage counseling sessions to John, who has sat in on a few of them before. So I made an appointment for a joint marital session with John, but I told him on the phone that I didn't know if it would work out, that I was not feeling cooperative, but that I recognized that H and I have gone backwards since all this happened. So we will decide after this first session whether it will be worth it to continue or not. I made sure to schedule the appointment on a day when my T isn't in the office so I won't have to cross paths with her.
One of the T's I left a message for actually called back. It is my H's T, John, who works in the same office as my T. My T said she was transferring our marriage counseling sessions to John, who has sat in on a few of them before. So I made an appointment for a joint marital session with John, but I told him on the phone that I didn't know if it would work out, that I was not feeling cooperative, but that I recognized that H and I have gone backwards since all this happened. So we will decide after this first session whether it will be worth it to continue or not. I made sure to schedule the appointment on a day when my T isn't in the office so I won't have to cross paths with her.
Hi Cipher... I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Have you found another T to work with yet? I know the grieving process is very painful and I am worried that we have not heard from you for awhile.
If you have a moment please stop in and let us know how things are going for you.
Hugs
TN
If you have a moment please stop in and let us know how things are going for you.
Hugs
TN
Thanks for thinking of me, TN. I am still struggling to keep out of the deep pit of paralyzing depression. I decided not to withdraw from school, however. Instead I dropped my hardest class to lighten the load. I am barely keeping up and hope I didn't make the wrong decision, but I think if I had dropped all of it then I would have had too much time on my hands to think about my grief.
Ex-T and I have continued to have a bit of text and email contact, though nothing much has changed as a result. I took my daughter to an appointment with ex-T about 11 days ago, but I didn't go inside myself to give her a hug, even though she had sent me a message that it was ok. But by last Thursday I decided I was finally ready for a hug without breaking down. We arranged to meet for 2 minutes, and literally that is all it was. She gave me a hug and whispered, "We just have to be safe." I did not cry at that moment, but the hug did stir up more feelings of desperation to be near her. So I sent her a lot of pathetic texts and one very long email over the weekend, but received no response. I can't keep hanging on by a thread, not knowing when or if she will ever take me back. I could wait months or years and it might never happen. I decided I need to find someone else -- not that I feel it is safe to become attached again, but I need a distraction object to place my focus so I won't feel so alone in my grief.
The other two female T's that I left messages for never did return my calls. One of them I left a message twice, just asking if she was currently accepting clients and if she accepted my insurance. No response either time. I find that highly unprofessional and take it as a sign that I am better off not going to her anyway if she is so unresponsive.
I finally decided to make an appointment with the P that my son went to a few years ago. I know him well enough to sense that his style is emotionally distant, and he seems to prefer CBT, but if I am going to go to a male then maybe I will feel safer being distant anyway. Then I won't get attached to him and it won't hurt so much when it ends. Not sure how much help he will actually be to me, but for some reason it feels comforting just to know I have someone to go to to fill the void of feeling entirely alone. My first appointment is not until Feb. 22nd.
Ex-T and I have continued to have a bit of text and email contact, though nothing much has changed as a result. I took my daughter to an appointment with ex-T about 11 days ago, but I didn't go inside myself to give her a hug, even though she had sent me a message that it was ok. But by last Thursday I decided I was finally ready for a hug without breaking down. We arranged to meet for 2 minutes, and literally that is all it was. She gave me a hug and whispered, "We just have to be safe." I did not cry at that moment, but the hug did stir up more feelings of desperation to be near her. So I sent her a lot of pathetic texts and one very long email over the weekend, but received no response. I can't keep hanging on by a thread, not knowing when or if she will ever take me back. I could wait months or years and it might never happen. I decided I need to find someone else -- not that I feel it is safe to become attached again, but I need a distraction object to place my focus so I won't feel so alone in my grief.
The other two female T's that I left messages for never did return my calls. One of them I left a message twice, just asking if she was currently accepting clients and if she accepted my insurance. No response either time. I find that highly unprofessional and take it as a sign that I am better off not going to her anyway if she is so unresponsive.
I finally decided to make an appointment with the P that my son went to a few years ago. I know him well enough to sense that his style is emotionally distant, and he seems to prefer CBT, but if I am going to go to a male then maybe I will feel safer being distant anyway. Then I won't get attached to him and it won't hurt so much when it ends. Not sure how much help he will actually be to me, but for some reason it feels comforting just to know I have someone to go to to fill the void of feeling entirely alone. My first appointment is not until Feb. 22nd.
The new P has a cancellation for tomorrow night so I won't have to wait 2&1/2 weeks after all.
In the mean time, I have received an email from ex-T responding to a bunch of questions I asked over the weekend. Here is part of what she wrote:
Dear j. I don't know the answers to all your questions and are struggling too. I pray about this all the time to try to understand and to determine gods will in all of it...[stuff about worries for her and my physical safety]... I wondered about that In our last session when it looked like you we're going to be hurt. When you came that next Thursday and suggested I would be afraid to eat something you made because it could be poisoned I had to think. I have only been attacked through two people, you and a person I can't name. Why you two and not other depressed people I don't know but if I were I would terminate them too. I never want satan to hurt someone else to get to me. With the other case she was unaware demons were working through her as well so it seems the experience is different for both. I don't believe the church has the answers for this....[stuff about cult client and religion].... I choose to trust god in this that there is that power but that church authorities don't know how to use it. Also, cases like [cult client] are rare but I do certainly believe satan and his angels are out there to affect us all. I don't believe they can get into me but I certainly have been blessed with the power of discernment so I can tell when they are near me. I want no part of it. I also do t know what difficulties you are dealing with that satan wouldn't want me to help you. I believe god would want me to but not with risk. I love you [Cipher]. This is nothing more than this and I don't know what to do. I pray every day for answers but none come. It hurts me that you suffer and I would have never chosen this for us but here it is. Please take care of yourself In this. If it is best that you leave me then you should. I am not trying to string you along. I have maintained written contact to lessen the hurt to you not to take care of my own loss. The choices are yours k? Hoping your day is light. [signed T]
There is no hope. She really is just throwing me away. What makes me most angry is the line at the very end when she says "the choices are yours k". How dare she say that? I have had no choice in this at all!
I don't know how much of this I want to tell the P because I don't think he understands attachment. He won't be able to empathize or comfort me. I'll just get a lecture from him about how Ts and Ps need to keep a professional distance. Plus it might make him very afraid of me and what kind of client I might be.
In the mean time, I have received an email from ex-T responding to a bunch of questions I asked over the weekend. Here is part of what she wrote:
Dear j. I don't know the answers to all your questions and are struggling too. I pray about this all the time to try to understand and to determine gods will in all of it...[stuff about worries for her and my physical safety]... I wondered about that In our last session when it looked like you we're going to be hurt. When you came that next Thursday and suggested I would be afraid to eat something you made because it could be poisoned I had to think. I have only been attacked through two people, you and a person I can't name. Why you two and not other depressed people I don't know but if I were I would terminate them too. I never want satan to hurt someone else to get to me. With the other case she was unaware demons were working through her as well so it seems the experience is different for both. I don't believe the church has the answers for this....[stuff about cult client and religion].... I choose to trust god in this that there is that power but that church authorities don't know how to use it. Also, cases like [cult client] are rare but I do certainly believe satan and his angels are out there to affect us all. I don't believe they can get into me but I certainly have been blessed with the power of discernment so I can tell when they are near me. I want no part of it. I also do t know what difficulties you are dealing with that satan wouldn't want me to help you. I believe god would want me to but not with risk. I love you [Cipher]. This is nothing more than this and I don't know what to do. I pray every day for answers but none come. It hurts me that you suffer and I would have never chosen this for us but here it is. Please take care of yourself In this. If it is best that you leave me then you should. I am not trying to string you along. I have maintained written contact to lessen the hurt to you not to take care of my own loss. The choices are yours k? Hoping your day is light. [signed T]
There is no hope. She really is just throwing me away. What makes me most angry is the line at the very end when she says "the choices are yours k". How dare she say that? I have had no choice in this at all!
I don't know how much of this I want to tell the P because I don't think he understands attachment. He won't be able to empathize or comfort me. I'll just get a lecture from him about how Ts and Ps need to keep a professional distance. Plus it might make him very afraid of me and what kind of client I might be.
I'm continually just..baffled and, quite honestly, horrified at how she's acting and her "reasons" behind all of this. I'd thought for a long time that she had boundary issues, but this...I may be off, but the way she talks makes it sound like she's irrationally paranoid to the point that I literally question her own mental sanity.
I'm so sorry, Cipher. You have every right to be angry. She didn't give you a choice, and it's cruel of her to suggest otherwise. And I seriously doubt it could make the P afraid of you if you tell him all of this, because it is VERY clear that your old T is the one with the problem, not you.
I'm so sorry, Cipher. You have every right to be angry. She didn't give you a choice, and it's cruel of her to suggest otherwise. And I seriously doubt it could make the P afraid of you if you tell him all of this, because it is VERY clear that your old T is the one with the problem, not you.
CipherI agree with kashley. If you don't think this P is the right fit for you after seeing him, maybe keep trying others in your area. You deserve to heal and you're obviously working so hard to do so, and to take care of your family, to finish school. You need a T by your side that makes things better instead of worse. Lots of hugs!!!
Cipher... I honestly believe that the only way you are going to heal from your exT is to make a total and clean break from her. She is toxic and as Kashley says... I too question her mental sanity and her stability. She should not be practicing with patients at this point. Her emails to you are quite alarming.
To keep stringing you along is cruel and unethical and to then turn the tables and say it's "your" decision is her way of putting the blame on you when it belongs with her. She is acting from a position of total selfishness and self-centeredness. Maybe she cares for you in her way but it's a very unhealthy and twisted kind of "care".
BTW, when she terminated you did she offer you a list of qualified therapists as referrals?? That was her ethical duty.
I'm really glad to hear you have an appointment with the new P tomorrow night. I think you should tell him exactly what has been happening with your exT. It is very common to feel that a new therapist won't want to have you as a patient because of what happened but that is not true. We believe because of being terminated other Ts/Ps will be afraid of us but that is not the case... but if it is... then you need to run from that person. It's okay for you to be afraid but as my T says... if we are both afraid then we are F---ed.
Good luck with the new P and let us know what happens. I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
Hugs
TN
To keep stringing you along is cruel and unethical and to then turn the tables and say it's "your" decision is her way of putting the blame on you when it belongs with her. She is acting from a position of total selfishness and self-centeredness. Maybe she cares for you in her way but it's a very unhealthy and twisted kind of "care".
BTW, when she terminated you did she offer you a list of qualified therapists as referrals?? That was her ethical duty.
I'm really glad to hear you have an appointment with the new P tomorrow night. I think you should tell him exactly what has been happening with your exT. It is very common to feel that a new therapist won't want to have you as a patient because of what happened but that is not true. We believe because of being terminated other Ts/Ps will be afraid of us but that is not the case... but if it is... then you need to run from that person. It's okay for you to be afraid but as my T says... if we are both afraid then we are F---ed.
Good luck with the new P and let us know what happens. I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
Hugs
TN
Our of lurkdom and bad mental space to give you big HUGS poppet. You writing that helped me understand Cipher's situation better. You are a very brave and amazing person Poppet (all of you).
big hugs to you too cipher.
Somedays
big hugs to you too cipher.
Somedays
Hello Poppet,
I didn't know you were here, and I am so touched that you wrote what you did for me. It was unselfish for you to do it even though it makes you uncomfortable to share. If you would like, you can go ahead and delete it now that I have seen it and felt of your support. I hope nothing that I have shared here has been offensive or harmful to you because I would not have intended that. I feel very lucky to count you as my dear friend.
If you couldn't already tell by reading between the lines, you should know that my T suspects I have a childhood history of SRA. I do not dispute ritual abuse exists, but I also do not believe it happened to me. My T has stumbled upon it in a few other clients, and because of this she is always on the look-out for confirmatory evidence, and it seems she will believe what she wants to see. But even if SRA was in my past, it does not make sense to me how she is treating me compared to how she has dealt with others with that past.
I think the reason I have not totally gone off the deep end is because I am not always convinced my T sees me as evil. I go back and forth on it because she seems to send mixed messages about it. She will say she loves me, and that I am not the darkness but am a child of God. But then she says that satan can work through me to get to her and she wants no part of it. I am trying to separate the two in my mind somehow, and hold onto the belief that she does love and value me despite how much this hurts.
I didn't know you were here, and I am so touched that you wrote what you did for me. It was unselfish for you to do it even though it makes you uncomfortable to share. If you would like, you can go ahead and delete it now that I have seen it and felt of your support. I hope nothing that I have shared here has been offensive or harmful to you because I would not have intended that. I feel very lucky to count you as my dear friend.
If you couldn't already tell by reading between the lines, you should know that my T suspects I have a childhood history of SRA. I do not dispute ritual abuse exists, but I also do not believe it happened to me. My T has stumbled upon it in a few other clients, and because of this she is always on the look-out for confirmatory evidence, and it seems she will believe what she wants to see. But even if SRA was in my past, it does not make sense to me how she is treating me compared to how she has dealt with others with that past.
I think the reason I have not totally gone off the deep end is because I am not always convinced my T sees me as evil. I go back and forth on it because she seems to send mixed messages about it. She will say she loves me, and that I am not the darkness but am a child of God. But then she says that satan can work through me to get to her and she wants no part of it. I am trying to separate the two in my mind somehow, and hold onto the belief that she does love and value me despite how much this hurts.
Cipher,
I don't believe we have spoken yet, but I have been following your story. I haven't said anything yet b/c...well to be honest...I don't know what to say. I am appaulled at what has happened with your T. I did want to share one thing that I can relate to if it helps..
Well...I hope my ranting was helpful. I have been thinking alot about you and I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is very wrong. It makes me so angry
and I feel she should be reported, but I understand your stance on that. Please please please know that it is not you, not your fault, you are not possessed. You sound like you are very wise, of very sane mind, very strong (stronger than you know I am sure) and I know that you are filled with the light of God
I don't believe we have spoken yet, but I have been following your story. I haven't said anything yet b/c...well to be honest...I don't know what to say. I am appaulled at what has happened with your T. I did want to share one thing that I can relate to if it helps..
- I had this same problem when looking for a new T. You will see that if you read some of my threads. And you are right, don't even waste the energy calling more than once b/c if they don't get back to you within 24-48 hours, they are for shit of a T in my opinion. I also just wanted to say one more thing. Cipher, the reason my therapy ended with my old T and the reason your did are completely different, but I feel like I do know one thing for sure...quote:Still no return calls from the 3 messages I left last Thursday. I am having paranoid delusions that somehow my T has broadcast to the entire community to "Beware of CIPHER calling you for support - you don't want to take her as a patient!" I am not in the mood to beg a stranger to take me on. If they make it difficult for me to even make an initial contact, that's just more reason not to trust.
- This is NOT healthy. Cipher, don't do this to yourself. She is meeting her needs and hurting you more and more along the way. If you are so "unsafe" and "possessed" that she had to end therapy with you, then why are you safe enough for her to hug??? If even for a two minutes?? Again, I don't know your situation, but I do know how hard this is. My old T had done the same thing to me. She has continue to maintain a small amount of contact, but then said she can't see me when I ask b/c she doesn't want to hurt "me". The bottom line is Cipher, weather or not their (your T and my T) 's intentions are good, they are not being good therapists. And if that is who they are (the way they think, the way they "care" for someone) then it is never going to work. I know you love her. I love my T dearly. I dream about her every night and I cry every day. But what I need and what you need are healing...with someone who is stable with strong, safe boudnaries and certainly of sane mind (if I am being honest, I think your old T has become a bit unglued.)quote:She gave me a hug and whispered, "We just have to be safe." I did not cry at that moment, but the hug did stir up more feelings of desperation to be near her
Well...I hope my ranting was helpful. I have been thinking alot about you and I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is very wrong. It makes me so angry
and I feel she should be reported, but I understand your stance on that. Please please please know that it is not you, not your fault, you are not possessed. You sound like you are very wise, of very sane mind, very strong (stronger than you know I am sure) and I know that you are filled with the light of God
((((Poppet)))) - I don't think you have any reason to feel that you have offended anyone. Your post is brave, wise, and lovely b/c if comes from a place of supporting someone else.
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