Happy New Year to everyone! I have been struggling lately but have not been posting because I don't want to be a drain upon the members here, but I am really struggling. I am hurting so much from this attachment issue regarding therapy.

Let me say, I believe the Therapist I see is effective and is what I need, not necessarily what I want. I am posting this to ask for feedback as to what I can do in regards to the transference, etc. that seems to be causing me a great deal of discomfort.

As many know, the Therapist I see does not allow outside contact. I have come to terms with this, but I am in so much emotional pain mid-way through the week that I can barely function. I need to find a way to lessen the pain so that I am not completely incapacitated by it.

He has been giving me appointment cards weekly so I know he is not going to replace me during the week. My latest request is for him to write something down saying I won't be replaced, etc. I don't know if he will do this, or not. I requested this via letter this week, so I won't know his answer until Wednesday.

There have been a couple of things which have happened that has me questioning the sincerity and realness of the relationship. The day after Christmas I was at Starbucks in the evening and who should walk in? You guessed it, the Therapist. I saw him and looked down at what I was reading. I then looked back up and he was out of sight. He walked to where I could not see him. This hurt me so deeply, I left and broke down in my car. He doesn't even want to see me in public. He could have at least acknowledged me with a gentle smile.

I saw him Wednesday and it took me the whole session to bring it up. I finally asked him about it and he stated he didn't know I saw him. I told him I left because I felt he didn't want me as he didn't even acknowledge me. He stated he behaved poorly and apologized. He asked me how I would like our greetings to be if we ever saw each other in public. I said maybe just a quiet acknowledgement. I thought I would feel better after he apologized, but I am extremely disappointed. For as long as he has been a Therapist, surely he has encountered other clients. He must know it is not beneficial to ignore someone, especially someone with attachment issues.

The second issue is he did something, innocently, in therapy. He was sitting in his chair and started flexing his hand open and shut. I couldn't even speak and I couldn't even broach the subject with him until this past week. I explained a certain person did this when I lived in a foster care home and when they did this, I was getting ready to get knocked out. I asked him if he was getting frustrated with me, he said no. He said he had an injury to his arm and sometimes flexing his hand relieves the discomfort.

I don't know how to talk to him about these things because I feel as if I am accusing him when I bring these incidents to discuss. I even sent him a letter apologizing for seeing him the way I do (negative transference). I feel bad because I see him in such a altered way, and it is not fair to him as a human being.

He does not allow outside contact, and within this framework, I have begun to think if he only wants me for 50 minutes a week, and no other time, then he truly doesn't want me. When I come into session, I feel as if he doesn't want me, he doesn't really want to hear from me. If he wanted me, he would want me all the time and not just 50 minutes a week.

I asked him this week how I could address certain things without involving him in the process. I need to separate him from the process. He looked puzzled. I told him if my reactions were not about him, then I needed to separate him from the feelings. How to talk about all that was being stirred up without including him.

He encouraged me to tell him when these things come up. I don't know if he fully understands where I am coming from. I am being as honest and sincere as I can be. I have vowed when I go in I will not shut down and when I feel myself doing this, I speak up. I have stopped fighting him and have tried to be more cooperative in this therapy venture.

Realizing he will never be anything to me I wish he could be. I wish he could be my father and yet, I know it will never be. I look into this vast chasm and see nothing where something should have been. Then I look for something to place where the nothing is. I have just begun to understand the depth and severity of what I have endured as a child because I have been so shut down.

I have an intense longing to be wanted by a mom or a dad. It shall never be. Even as I type this, I logically get this but emotionally, I can not go there.

I need words of wisdom, comfort and perhaps a different way to see the therapeutic relationship so I am not tripping so much along the way. This is very difficult and I am mustering up the strength to stay and not run, which is a natural response for me.

I have been absent on the boards but I have been hurting so much. Thank you for listening.

T.