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This is a first...

findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
I feel like I don't want to go to session. I don't want to see her. I feel like there's nothing left to talk about. I know that there's anger there and I can't pinpoint what went wrong. All I know is that when I think of therapy, I just really lost my desire to want to see my T. I don't know what happened? This is coming from the girl who couldn't "breathe" without this other person, who felt like the world would end if I couldn't have a session. Now I feel like I am pulling away, realizing that what I am seeking will never be found, and asking myself "what's the point?"

Really struggling. I have asked T to switch session times this week, kind of knowing she wont be able to because then I will not have to go see her until next week. So, I basically canceled and I don't care.

She told me last week that I am looking at the therapeutic relationship more as a friendship, all because I got a little envious over her relationship with another person involved in my treatment. She also said that this whole experience that I have right here feels so good to me because I never had it before and that I am easily getting comfortable instead of wanting to push through to explore my new found sense of self...

Sure. Whatever. Maybe I am seeing it wrong, maybe I am trying to get unmet needs met, but I am tired of having to NOT fall apart because I feel like when I do it's like "why are you doing this, you know so much more than this now?" I'm venting here. I know. I guess I am just trying to understand why for the first time ever, I feel like I don't want to see her....and know that somehow that I would be okay with that?
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((Ainsley)))

I just wanted to say first that you are not alone in this. I do the distancing, pulling away thing too, when I am not feeling safe or else have had to detach for some reason or another (often during breaks).

Second, while I think it's probably a good thing to encourage clients to branch out in life when they're ready, pushing too much, I find to be unhelpful. And shaming statements like asking why someone is doing something that is obviously out of a powerful pain/fear reaction/pattern will just feel like pushing them away, not supporting them to grow. I wouldn't want to see my T either if he were saying that sort of thing. My T always reminds me when I'm regressing and disappointed in myself that therapy AND life are full of stepping forward and stepping back again, while hopefully altogether maintaining a forward journey. Or kind of like being in spiral where things get hard when we get to a new developmental level, and we will struggle again (maybe regress a bit), and then push forward when we get our bearings. And it will happen over and over throughout our development for our whole lives. When he reassures me like that, it helps relieve a little bit of my own natural shame and makes it easier for me to step forward, rather than making me more dependent upon him...
findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Thanks Yakusoku,

The distancing feels so unusual to me. I keep thinking "fine, I don't need you then." It makes me feel like a teenager, in a sense. I will show you(T) that I can be on my own and I don't need you to think you are the "stars and sunshine" in this equation. I am distancing because the last couple of sessions I have felt invalidated. I felt like she was pushing more forwards when at that moment all I really wanted/needed was her to understand or let me sit in this pain.
I'm not sure if it's me mad at her, or if it's this strange separation individuation thing going on inside of me, which is causing me to project these feelings towards her. I am confused right now.

I've been thinking a lot about how T and I are separate. It's SO weird. I have always KNOWN that, but something just recently sunk in deep within me. Maybe it is some type of separation from an earlier developmental stage? I am finding my own self; one that exists beyond therapy? I'm so sad and depressed, but at the same time I am not!

I'm one big ball of confusion!

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