Sorry DF for not replying. Thanks for being so sweet.

(((((Kashley))))))

Please dont' feel stupid for reaching out and posting about your concerns here.

Hi, Hunny...just visiting the forum today, even though I "shouldn't be."

I gather from some of the posts that you are dealing with old feelings of making stuff up again.

I just think that whatever that is- I just wish that I could wave magic want and help you not to worry so much about it. Ok- let's imagine worst case scenario- (speaking from having experienced the fear of making things up for attention) Worst case scenario- you (and I) are making everything up, have no problems, do not need to be in therapy, and it is all just a big act to get some attention. I want to offer that, a person who would go to such lengths unconsciously to get emotional needs met, would be certainly be in need of therapy to deal with such issues. And even if the worst case scenario is true- objectively- it would not be such a "bad" thing. I mean- even if it were true it wouldn't make somebody an evil scum or whatever...just a seriously hurting person in need of care and understanding- badly.
that being said- ojectively, you are dealing with a lot in the past, having a lot to deal with objectively, from where I am standing and looking at your situation, from the little bit that I know.

aw- I know it doesn't help much, it's not like what I can say will shut that voice off...but I hope it helps a little bit. There is nothing worse that feeling like there is *nothing* to attach the bad feelings to, except one's own self. It's an awful self-rejecting place to be. But, I really don't think people just *do* that. (reject and punish the self) I think it is something we learned. doesn't have to be some big dramatic abiuse associated with it- sometimes the implicit stuff or brainwashing is equally as bad in totally different way than specific event stuff. imo.

Hugs, Kashley...

Keep on plugging away...you are unlearning some really crummy stuff. like- more than crummy.

BB

Thanks LG and BB. Sorry for deleting...I just couldn't keep it all up there.

Beebs, you are such a sweetheart. A very, very shortened version of what caused this is a comment my T made. I was saying that I think I'm making everything up (fear, the one or two images I've had), and I asked her if she thought I was making it up. Long story short, she said she would keep that as a "minor hypothesis." Honestly, that comment alone was enough to pretty much convince me entirely that I really have made it all up. So I'm just having trouble being in my own head right now.

Anyway, thanks again.

hmmm... actually, I like her answer, a lot. (I give you permission to throw things at me now ) Do you want to know why? Because it gives you permission. Permission for either one to be true, and to discover what is true, or accept what you come to feel is true- without the fear of her rejection. If she just gave you a blanket statement "you are not making this up" then you would have no way to find out for sure what the truth is for yourself, it would take your power away. And you would be left with that niggling doubt/fear/guilt- what if I'm making this up, what if I am a liar..."

And- clearly you are keeping that as a minor hypothesis, too, correct? (otherwise it wouldn't be scaring you so much) I'd just like to invite you to take a look at it without so much fear and guilt about the answer..can I be really upfront? Let's for a moment examine the minor hypothesis that the fear- feelings/images are coming out of nowhere, or you are even consciously creating them out of a need to have something to attach your pain and self-hatred to, and are a figment of your imagination... what would that say about you? If you can sit with the answers that come up without immediately taking the "bad Kashley" answer- it might help you see that even if it were true that you made it up- it wouldn't make you bad/evil/a liar. It would make you a person who is hurting badly and scrambling for answers that will allow some level of relief for the terrible pain of self- rejection.

However- my thinking is that it's more likely that you absolutely need to think that you are making it up- in order to hang onto the defense mechanism of self-hatred which is somewhat protecting you although at a terrible cost. The reason, is because if it comes as a "relief" that you are having these feelings and images- that relief may feel "wrong." Because pain shouldn't feel like "phew- what a relief" ostensibly- But in reality- it is right, in some sense, to feel relief at the acceptance of real pain and fear- especially when feeling as much pain of self-rejection as you are- yes, the acceptance of the real pain and fear underneath all of it may possible come as a relief. That the truth will set you free, so there may be a level of relief and self-acceptance or understanding that will come along with the realization of the repressed fears and stuff- at least, to my way of thinking. Please disregard any of this that doesn't apply, Kahsly, because your situation may very well be different than mine, but- just in case it is similar, I hope my experiences can help. My SD has been working extensively with me to accept in myself that it feels *good* to recognize how bad I really do feel inside, because it releases me from the huge burden of guilt that I carry. It makes sense that if I feel that bad under there, that I would use some of the coping mechanisms that I use to survive the pain. Weirdly, when I can be allowed through therapy or spiritual direction to see and feel how bad I feel inside without thinking I am making it all up- I literally feel better, in the sense that I feel ok in my skin, ok being me, and like a decent and valuable person, even though my pain is intense. The pain is there, bad pain- but *much* better, more tolerable than the pain added with the pain of self-rejection and hatred for self that comes with "I'm making this up."

Does it make sense? Let me know what does, and what doesn't make sense- we can talk it through.

Love ya, kiddo- keep plugging...keep posting- don't worry about deleting- that is no wrong.

BB

Beebs, I really love your response...thank you for sharing this with me.

What's funny is I think, way deep down in me, I thought of the possibility that she was allowing it to be a minor hypothesis so that I can know it's not 'wrong' of me to think that way. I think I just felt so consumed by the fear that this hypothesis was the truth that I immediately assumed that that was what she was saying. Ha, I'm normally so rational (too rational) about things..it really threw me to have such a dramatic reaction to this. You are completely right that if T has said I wasn't making it up, I would still be left with fear and guilt that I was. It would probably be even stronger, too, because I'd be petrified that the day would come that I'd discover it really is all made up and now I have to break it to my T. Thank you for your insight on that, BB.

I think the biggest thing about all of this that is SO confusing is that I do know that I'm not *consciously* cooking this up. So the only way I could be making this up would be subconsciously, which would really suck. It's kind of hard to yell at your subconscious and get it to listen. Ugh. I know that's totally counterproductive, though, even if it were possible. I know I should believe I have this inherent worth and all (and I believe that for anyone else), but I'm so used to feeling like, at any moment, I can be either a good person or a horrible person. That any action I take determines that. I know that, eventually, therapy should help with that, but 2 years later (I just realized that today marks exactly one year that I've been with my current T) I still feel like it's an impossibility.

It sounds like we have really similar thoughts/feelings regarding pain and relief, Beebs. The relief would feel very wrong, because that would also somewhat imply that I'm not to blame for my own problems. I really like the approach your SD is taking in regards to accepting the pain you feel. And it does make a lot of sense about why you'd use your coping mechanisms. That's also a big question that I have...why do I have all of these problems and coping mechanisms? Of course, I'm good at saying, well you're just making yourself do all of these things for attention. I'm so glad that you are learning to accept your pain and that it is helping you process everything a little better, even though I know it is still really painful for you.

Thank you so much for your insight on this, BB. I was (and sort of still am) spinning from this, but your words have definitely helped. Not to mention we're in the midst of exam week here...I've felt a little like I'm drowning, so thanks for keeping me afloat.

keep us posted on how you are managing to get through those exams...

good luck on them!

Beebs