Hello to All,
I have been going through a very difficult time in the wake of the death of someone who I lived with in foster care for a few years. He was the "nicer" of the two abusers yet, he was very much a part of all that happened.

I have been reading tributes to him online...not a good idea. I just shake my head as they come from siblings...who will not deny what happened in that house...yet, they say what a 'great' man he was.

I have come to a critical point in therapy and feel as if I can not handle what is coming towards me. I keep saying, as the feelings come and the memories are present, "This is not mine." The feelings are not mine, the memories are not mine. It's as if I am sitting at a large table and what is coming out to me is nothing I have ordered.

I don't know if this makes sense but I just keep saying, "This is not mine." I didn't ask for the feelings and I didn't ask for the experiences. I try to explain this to the Therapist and he gets it but doesn't affirm the idea of "This is not mine."

I have been in a place of when I think of him I think, "I never, ever, ever want to see him ever again." This is horrible as he has done nothing except be a Therapist as he should be.

Does anyone understand "This is not mine" analogy?

I don't want to own what happened to me because I did not choose it and I feel if one does not choose something, then it is not theirs. So, if one did not choose to be treated a certain way and the feelings come, is it logical to say the feelings that come with the treatment are not yours either?

I am sorry for the wordiness, I am just trying to make it make sense.

All the siblings who grew up in this household have acquiesced by calling the other abuser to express their condolences and I am the only one who has not. I can not do it and I refuse to. I told them not to place pressure on me to do so because I can not be untrue. I understand them being torn but they are acting as if the man who died did nothing; nothing at all.

I am already paying the price for not associating with the abuser because my sister who is closest in age to me hardly speaks to me because of our differing views on this. It is convoluted and murky.

She says she has forgiven and I think she has Stockholm Syndrome, though I have never told her such. I try to respect her view without pushing my view on her.

Thank you for reading.

All the best,
T.