Do you think you'd be able to say no even if it didn't seen like the right choice? Otherwise you may want to use the time the process how it may work so you can ask questions. Just thinking that while it may relieve shame and guilt to go back and fourth if it's truly yearned for it may be easier just to embrace.

My T and her H came to a performance of mine and saw me out of session elsewhere too for something, it was nerve racking but overall a good experience. Some of my problem was being quote focused on my T to the exclusion of many of the people I didn't know coming to me at the end of the performance. She was good with boundaries and left at a reasonable time.

T may not be glued to you at the hip, and may sort of be passive support in the back so to speak so I guess the con there is if you don't talk to her about what to expect you may be hurt or need to process if it is enough to activate some stuff (feel like abandonment) and not enough to be calming.

RT,
I think that is really awesome that your T offered. For me, I would have to decide if the support would help me get through the funeral, or distract me from what I needed to do? I say this because seeing my T outside his office taking the trash out made me dive for the floor of my car. As much as I can long to see my T outside his office, it freaks me out when it happens. So my worry would be that I would be so agitated and self-conscious about him being there that I wouldn't give my proper attention to the proceedings.

On the other hand, having been through some difficult deaths, I know how much it has meant to have my T to help me process my loss.

So I honestly do not see this as a right or wrong situation, so much as what would help you the most? And you're the best person to answer that question.

In either case, yes or no, I would bring the offer into session and discuss your feelings around it. And if you do say yes and your T comes, I think you should discuss it afterwards. I think all boundary crossings (I use that in contrast to a boundary violation as something your T has offered which is for your good but outside the normal structure) should be thoroughly discussed.

And I am very sorry for your loss. I am glad that your T is being so supportive.

AG

Sorry RT one more thought: how will this affect your relationship down the road? I know in the past you have really struggled with boundaries. Is this going to blur things or muddy the waters? What happens the next time you have a really serious crisis but your T is not willing to step outside the office, will that be taken as a withdrawing of her care?

We experience such deep, primal longings to have our Ts replace that which was missing and while they can help us meet our needs going forward, it is too late to make up the losses we experienced as children. My fear is that this action might hold out an implicit promise to your inner child that T is going to be that loving parent you've been looking for. I am coming from a bias, as aside from his contact policy, my T keeps pretty tight boundaries (he would never offer to come to a funeral, for instance) which can be incredibly painful but does provide clarity that prevents me from being more hurt down the line. Please take this FWIW, not saying it's right, just something you should probably consider.

My T came to my wedding and it was great. She and her girlfriend greeted us in the receiving line and made nice small talk but did not linger. My parents were getting divorced in two weeks time and there was soooooo much tension in the room between the two of them that is was nice to know that T was there for me and me alone.

It can be a good supportive experience as long as you are clear about what you want it to be.

Jillann

I think AG had some good things to say about the boundary struggles from the past making it muddy (possibly) - that's what I meant about not being able to say no. My T and I, just to add an example, did talk about it. I have strong boundaries but it's primarily due to my overall personal attachment issues. So, good food for thought on the making sure to discuss it. AG said so succinctly what I was trying to.

Just be gentle with yourself... I imagine this is such a difficult time.

This is a toughy.

It's hard for me to respond because I'm so early into my relationship with my T that I haven't quite hashed out exactly what our relationship is. My feelings about him are so volatile that if he offered to come to a funeral with me right now, I'd probably say no. AG raises many excellent points. However, it's entirely your call. If having your T there will provide a sublime source of comfort and strengthen your bond, then go for it. Nothing wrong in saying yes if you've weighed all the options and decided that it's right for you.

Peace be with you, RT.

quote:

If having your T there will provide a sublime source of comfort and strengthen your bond, then go for it. Nothing wrong in saying yes if you've weighed all the options and decided that it's right for you.

RT, Just want to be clear that I was throwing out things to think about so that YOU could make the right decision for you. My intention was not to say yes or no; but for you to make a fully informed decision; I have been told in the past that I can come across very strongly, so I just wanted to be clear about that. Helpfully for me, Affinity put it perfectly!

I so appreciate these comments. I'm not taking any as what I SHOULD do. Just need things to consider so it's good to hear how others would feel about it.

I don't have time for a proper reply, but I have been reading the responses as they come in and they've been giving me lots to think about.

And, yes, for sure we'll be talking about this offer regardless of what I decide.


Many Thanks,
-RT

((RT))I am very sorry for your loss. This has to be such a difficult time for you.
It really is enormous of your T to offer to be there for you. No matter what choice you make it will never be wrong. Personally, I would be blown away by the kindness that your T is showing, and I would be satisfied with just knowing that T wants to be there, but I would have to decline the offer, because I would be to focused on knowing that T is going to be there and not focused on the other things. I would also be concerned about how and if my expectations would change toward T in the future. I think ((AG)) said it best. Would it "muddy the waters" in the future. Your decision will be the right one, and I'm sending you many caring hugs.

((((RT)))))

No words of wisdom. Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Will be thinking of you.

RT... I've been away all day and just learned of the death of your step father. I want to offer my sincere condolences to you and your family. I know this is a difficult time for you. Sending you a big hug.

As for your question. The only thing I can relate this to is when my T came with me to do a memorial when I lost C last summer. It did cause me a bit of anxiety, mostly because I couldn't believe he would actually do such a supportive thing for ME. We talked about it and cleared the air about a few things and we decided to meet at the park on our own and then leave separately. It worked out well.

In retrospect, it has been a hugely important thing that he has done for me. It was a very connecting event and it helped with our attachment and relationship. It is something I'll always remember and an experience I can hold onto forever. He told me it was important for him to be there to honor someone who was so important in my life. And his presence and support helped me through a difficult time.

That said, we both have good boundaries so there were no fears that he or I would then begin to push the personal boundaries in the future. It was a special occasion.

I wish you well with your decision and know I am thinking of you as your go through the grieving process.

Hugs
TN

RT, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and that I am thinking of you. I don't know what I would do if my T offered that to me. It's almost kind of hard to imagine actually. Your T sounds like a gem. Take care.

RT, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and sending you hugs.

My answer to T was no. But not because any of the reasons I considered based on the therapy relationship. As I was sorting things through, I decided to say something to my partner about T's offer. Her response was so judgmental and so critical that there is no way I could have T at the funeral even if "yes" had been my final decision.

No, my partner couldn't stop me having T there. But the added layer of conflict would be too much considering the existing vulnerabilities. I am very angry about this and am trying to find a way to set it aside, but so far, all I want to do is keep distance between me and my partner. That's a tough thing going into a 4 hour visitation today and funeral tomorrow.

At this point, I am trying to keep things as compartmentalized as possible because there are so many layers, each with their own dark places.

I still intend to process T's offer all the way through and to talk about it in session. A very interesting "what if?".

-RT

(((RT)))

I am very sorry for both your loss and for the added stress of this conflict and the painful feelings it brings up. I wish you peace to get through this tough time and be able to process everything when you are ready. Thinking of you

RT... so sorry you are dealing with this added layer of conflict.

I'm on the run but wanted to mention that when things settle down maybe you and T can have your own little memorial to your step-dad. That may help ease the conflict you feel now.

hugs
TN

I'm very sorry, RT, about the loss of your step-father
thinking about you...

((((RT)))))



Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

((((RT)))) first and utmost, i am so sorry to hear about the passing of your step-father. i send you my cyber-hugs and prayerful support during this difficult time.

i think your T's offer is such a thoughtful outreach of human compassion. i am really sorry to hear that your partner's reaction was less than supportive. i am happy to hear that you plan on thoroughly discussing this with your T. i hope you can pursue it safely with your partner as well.

in the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you