I had a much less emotional session with my T today. But it was a good one and I had the feeling that he had given some thought to the session before I got there and he was considerate of all we spoke about last time, with regard to his remark about my boss, about his not shaking my hand and about him not hearing me about my struggles with summer coming around again.

When he saw me he shook my hand and told me to go in his office. I went in and got my blanket and lit my candle and sat down to read an article. When he came in he asked me how I was doing and what I was reading. I happened to be reading an article about attachment. We talked about that for a bit and then I somehow got onto the topic of reading and how no one ever read to me as a child but that I developed a very strong love of reading. We talked about how I had such few books and I would read them over and over again and also I had some other books that were given to me as a child but that no one ever read them to me. In fact, there is one book that I have from childhood that I had NEVER read because it was too hard for a child to read, although I could not part with the book. I actually read it two years ago to my son. It was new to both of us even though the book was VERY old and written in the 1930's. This book was already OLD when it was given to me by someone that I don't remember. I told my T that I remember crying and having a hard time reading it to my son, He asked me if I knew why? I came up with some ideas and he told me that I was crying because of the lack of attention and the neglect I had as a child. Then he brought up something that was interesting. I had asked him for a book last session. I told him I was on break from school and had a bit more time to read what I chose to read. He felt that it was my subtle way of asking for his attention. Of course, my first reaction was that I was doing something BAD by wanting his attention... but he told me that it was perfectly fine to want attention from him. And that he was happy to give it to me.

He asked me if I knew why he was happy to give me attention and I said I had no idea. He said that it's because of who I am and that it is so easy to offer me this attention. He told me it's because I'm so kind and appreciative and intelligent and likable. Okay wow... he was definitely getting on my good side LOL. He told me that he sees how difficult it is for me to accept it though. He wants me to be able to take in ALL he offers me and ALL he freely gives to me. He said this will help to keep us connected.

I told him that I just feel like therapy is not enough and never will be enough to fill that empty void of childhood of not getting what I needed. And I can't go back to being little again so that I CAN get it... all that I missed as a child. He had a very different view of what I said... he said I can very definitely get what I missed as a child, in therapy with him. Meaning the attention, experiencing the attachment, the caring, having a stronger wiser other, having someone be my advocate, my parental figure. He said he knows I cannot go back to being 5 again but I CAN experience the developmental stages that got skipped or screwed up when I was a child. So this was something new to get used to. That he really believes this.

He told me that he sees I'm so worried about losing the relationship that it's making me be the perfect good girl and he asked me if I knew what that led to and I said I was not sure and he said BORING! He makes me laugh while I also want to throw something at him at the same time. He said he wants to know the real me and he knows that I am not boring. He wants to see it all... all the messy, chaotic stuff.

I was talking alot about how the fear of what oldT did to me and how that has seemingly aggravated my disorganized attachnent style. He understands that it will take time for me to settle down into the relationship but it will happen. I have to pay attention to him and how he is not backing away from me. He said that I've been given the impression by oldT and even my parents that I am too much and too overwhelming and that my feelings are too much for anyone to bear... he said that is not true and that he has no fear of my feelings. All my feelings are okay with him. I knew as I was talking about this I was making contradictory statement and I told him that I knew he was catching the contradictions but I didn't care... I just needed to put all the thoughts out there. He told me that I am too used to running therapy and since HE is the expert and has way more experience than I do ... he is going to be running the therapy (he said this in a kind, gentle way).... he told me I don't need to have all the answers or to figure it all out by myself. That was what he was there for.

At one point I told him some things I find helpful in talking to him. I told him how much it meant to me in the beginning that he allowed outside contact. I also told him that when he would touch my arm or pat my shoulder how much it meant to me and how it kept me going back to see him. That it was comforting, grounding and it helped to contain my emotions. I told him that it means a lot to me when he moves his chair closer and leans in towards me. He didn't say much but he smiled and nodded, like he knew this already.

At the end he told me he had some books at home he wanted to look over and would lend me. I thanked him and he patted my arm and we shook hands and then I left.

I keep thinking of his telling me that being "good" and "perfect" was boring. That is something I HATE... I never want to be boring. And I wonder if that was his challenge to me to take the next step with him and let him in to see more of me, of who I am really. Not the damaged, abused therapy patient who is grieving. The other me. The one that was moving along so well with oldT until he abandoned me and caused such a mess in my life. I was thinking of the issues that I had been working on with oldT. I can "see" them in front of me. It's like a TV screen that has frozen in place and has not moved for almost one year. ONE YEAR. It seems impossible that I could go back to that unresolved work I was doing with oldT. It hurts to think about it ... yet I have to do something to get this therapy moving along.... I need to get past that wall that is blocking me from talking to my T. Next week marks the last truly healing and kind session I had with oldT. It was the day I gave him a Father's Day card and some little gifts. He loved them and we had such a nice session. There was NO hint of what was to come. Nothing. I cannot believe it's been a year.

What I also feel right now is the strong urge to move closer to my T. I care about him and that scares the crap out of me. How can I do this again? I have a lot of thinking to do this weekend of how I am going to approach Monday's session. There is SO much I could share with him....he'd never be bored LOL. But something is holding me back and I just don't know how to get past that block.

Thanks for reading.
TN