Today I saw NewT again and it went pretty well... better than Wednesday which left me feeling upset and angry with him... and very triggered over Thanksgiving. I had a longing so intense it was very painful and I so wanted to reach out to my old T to talk to him or at least share some of my thoughts with him. I miss him terribly.

And Monday's are hard days for me and it seems that I have now somehow fallen into newT's Monday schedule. I'm not sure if it helps or makes me feel even worse because I am not where I really want to be. And so,

NewT asked me how I was and how was the holidays and so I told him how I wrote an email to oldT but never sent it because everyone told me it would be a really bad idea. He agreed with that because he does not want to see me hurt again. He also told me that oldT never responded to his request for a treatment summary on me and so I asked what do we do next? He said he would give him a call to follow-up on it. He said he obviously is not happy about writing it and probably wishes I would go away so he does not have to think about and face what he did to me. I told newT I'm not going away and that I need some closure and some answers.

Then I told newT that I felt like my T wished I would just die. If I die I won't be a reminder of what happened. He said no he would not want that for me because I need to remember the good things he did with me. But I asked him "how could he be so cruel and so mean to me, a patient he said he cared for and cared about and how could he hurt me so much... he is in the "healing" profession, he is not supposed to hurt me so badly". At that point I saw newT get a bit emotional and he said he just does not know what would make him behave like this but we don't know what is going on with him. There could be something seriously wrong with him. I have no idea what he was alluding to ... like maybe a depression or a breakdown?

NewT said that I am powerful. We were having a back and forth on the fact that my T had all the power and I had none. He said I had a lot of power but I countered with but he had the power that counted... if he sees me or not... nothing else really matters if I can't see him. NewT kept saying I was one of the most powerful patients he had ever treated in both knowledge and personality and that I have to stop giving my power to people who are less powerful than I am. I have to think about that one for a bit. He said what was confusing to oldT was that I was powerful and ALSO dependent. I think we need to explore this further.

I then told him that I was angry with him about a few things. One is the eye contact he wants. I told him I'm not feeling safe enough to keep eye contact with him. And that I was able to do this with oldT because I felt safe and also because of what I got back from him... his empathy, warmth and caring. Not feeling that with newT very much... no warm fuzzies...well maybe a little today. He told me he needs me to look at him so that I can see his reactions to what I'm telling him. If I look down then I miss a lot of important non-verbal info. I know this but it's still hard.

I also asked him if he thinks he can learn from me and he said yes that he always learns from patients about them and about himself too. So I told him that I felt that he acted like he already knows everything LOL... and that he was not listening to me. He laughed good naturedly and asked me to explain further which I did. He was very open to hearing me which was good.

Then I told him he insulted my cultural heritage regarding gifts of food and that in my culture that is important... that we don't go see people for any lenght of time empty - handed and if I HAD brought him something and he refused I would have been very insulted. He had said I brought things to oldT because I was taking care of him. I did not agree. It was also a way of allowing T to know me better and to open conversations.

I think it was good to clear the air between us. He said I presented my issues in a very good way and that he is impressed that despite what happened to me he sees no malice in me. He said I am a challenge in that I don't want anyone to take care of me and that is his job and we sort of differed on that. He said that if he ever seems defensive that I need to let him know as he tries not to be.

He also said that in his view once we become a part of each others lives (via therapy) that we are that forever. Meaning that my therapy never ends unless I want it to. He does not terminate people. I told him that once I got well with oldT I was afraid he would make me leave or I would HAVE to leave and he said why? Once you get well then that's the time for growth and change and sharing. Gosh, wish old T had stressed that to me.

We talked about trust and he asked me how do you develop trust? I said obviously I have no idea since I screwed up that part of therapy. He of course said it was NOT my fault and then went on to say that he needs to be totally consistent, dependable, and unchanging and then trust will come with time. In other words, as AG's T has said "he just has to BE trustworthy" in order to earn the trust. He cannot just say "trust me". Does not work that way.

Of course we also went over and over how I did nothing wrong and it was oldT who had the problem with inexperience, fear of intimacy, and lack of supervision and knowledge. And of course... none of this helps me to feel better. I told him that when someone dies and you grieve you have a place to go to, a grave to bring flowers to, to sit there and talk to the person and everyone around you understands why you are such a mess. I don't have that place. No one has died, except for me, my spirit and my hope. I am just having the hardest time trying to accept what happened to me. It's months later and I'm still in shock, so sad and lifeless. So newT said that maybe we could find a place for me to go to grieve and bring flowers and try to come to terms with the loss.

That's about it. I felt okay afterwards but then something triggered me and I was a mess for the rest of the day at work, accomplishing nothing, spinning around endlessly and just feeling frustrated by life.

Thanks for listening.
TN