((((YAKU))))

Great to see your original name! I'm just heading off to bed. The kids have their first day of school tomorrow but just wanted to send some support. Maybe you will find some way to celebrate or acknowledge all you and T have done together. Maybe you will also find a way to not feel like you are always failing. You have come SO far.

Yaku... so wonderful to see your name back (I have missed it) and I'm glad you posted about this.

I have seen such amazing growth in you over the past year. I know you have setbacks, we all do, but I definitely see progress, especially in your relationship with your T. You have settled into your attachment with him now and that is truly miraculous.

I don't think your T wants/needs a gift from you for the anniversary so why don't you just talk about the anniversary and what it means to you. You can make him a little card or write him a letter telling him where you see yourself now as opposed to one year ago and where you would hope to be next year. You can add some funny things that may have happened like "oh T remember that time that _____ it was so funny/silly/crazy, etc". Or tell him "oh remember when I used to do ________ but I'm getting past that now". Those look backs are really important in therapy to acknowledge the accomplishments and to recognize the relationship.

BTW, I see you as an amazing success, never a failure. If you were a failure you would have walked away a long time ago from therapy. Instead, you fought for your therapy and I know it's been very difficult at times. I very much respect your perseverance and your drive towards healing.

Much love and happy 3rd Anniversary to you and T
TN

So glad you went back to your name as often I nearly write Yaku in my messages!!!!

If only you could see my last email I sent to my T, it was along very, very similar lines to what you are struggling with. I have been with her 2 years - the anniversary was 2 weeks ago and until I read your post, I forgot that her and I had forgotten to mark the occasion. I was going thru severe issues and we forgot to stop and congratulate ourselves on the 2yr journey.

Crap., I just re-read your entire post and I was going to quote the second last paragraph, but then I would miss out the other paragraphs which describe me also.

I don't know what you and I do about this Yaks. I really don't. I am stuck. Feel like a burden, feel like I can't do this. I said to my T earlier that I think she will lose patience with me and I will become too big a burden and she will get sick of me as I only trickle feed tiny bits of information to her - that is all I can manage. She is going to have to maintain her interest and care for years and years at the rate I am going.

My T says she can never get sick of me nor someone with such genuine pain and that sometimes she feels helpless to help me but will never give up. I think your wonderful T would feel the same.

Somedays

Oh and I forgot. When T went away, she left me with a handwritten message for each day. I treasure them (now that she is back) and so when I went away, I wrote 10 messages for her. I didn't end up giving them to her at at that time but did when I got back. Now she opens 1 or 2 of them at the end of every session and she LOVES it. She wants to keep doing it more - she thought of her and I writing messages and putting them in a jar and we take one each at each session. The messages were little anecdotes of things she has said and done, my memories of conversations, how she means to me etc etc.

So without trying, this ended up being a really nice gift for her as each time she opens one she feels good.

Would something like that feel like an appropriate thing to do?
SD

Somedays... I love your idea of a bowl or jar with little notes of memories or anecdotes of times with T. Perfect for when things are feeling a bit stuck.

I may have to steal that idea.

So glad your T loves it.

TN

Thanks for the support, you guys. I've missed my original name too.

I did write T a nice hand-written letter for Christmas, kind of just straight out, about what our work meant to me. He wrote me back a little note thanking me for the letter. He's much more of a oral communicator, but just having a few lines was nice and he was careful not to overdo it and trigger me.

The thought of trying to talk about significant moments or any of that is scary. In fact, I went blank with anxiety trying to think of any just imagining I would have to declare them significant. Like, what if they're meaningless to him or he doesn't remember them, because he tends to remember general stuff? He was able to summarize about the experiences and attitudes of several parts quite easily, but when it comes to a specific thing that was said even one or two weeks ago, it takes some help for him to get there.

I think, for some reason, I'm scared for it to mean anything right now. and it could just be the mini-break we had. I think, even more than that, I am always the one going out of my way to signify the meaning and share in that way and maybe...I just don't want to do that this time. Maybe I wish he were the sort of person who would do it or help me do it. It's OK with me that he's not or that I'd have to prompt him to say what he thinks about the work we've done these last three years, where I came from and where I am and where I'm going. I don't htink I have that in me to ask of him.

SD - That's so nice for your T and you to do together. I'd be so scared. You're very brave!!!

(((Liese))) (((SD))) (((TN)))

I think I must be in some deep grieving now. I'm feeling very lost. For some reason, when I get this way, I want to isolate, to protect T and others from having to be near me.

What I wish most I could give myself, and my T, is to go in there, and to look him in the eye, and to choose a name to call him (or to have him choose one would be nicer), because I have never called him anything except in writing and that is just Dr. [last initial], and to get a hug hello, like a welcome hug or handshake (instead of a goodbye one), and to actually believe, or try to, that it means he wants me there. Whatever else we do, whether talk or paint, I don't really care. But, I want to be able to show up and not be too scared to let it be seen how happy I am to be there, how safe I feel with him (well, comparatively, I guess, considering how scared I am). I want to be able to receive and hold onto what he keeps trying to offer, the miracle of meaning something to each other when I was nearly incapable of doing that outside of a relationship where I was responsible for all the caretaking. I want to be able to communicate my belonging there with him...and I actually want to believe it, to mean it.

The last few nights, on our trip, our daughter kept snugging up onto my mat in our tent, wriggling her sleeping bag in next to me, because she was scared or just wanted to be close. And, despite it stealing quite a bit of sleep snuggling with such a wiggly kid, I adored holding her, feeling, she BELONGS with me...that there is a way we will always be a part of each other. I know someday she will leave, but that attachment, that connection, is so strong. I realized that quite possibly I was never able to have that and objectively, I'm not sure of my "caregivers" felt that way toward me, as if I belonged. I know T does feel we belong in a way, spiritually/relationally, although it can't be what was missed. I wish...I could give myself permission to belong there. Other parts of me have, they've even asked him if it's OK to belong there with him! I want to be able to go in there, because it's so hard lately, and just tell him I'm scared and approach and let him help. In the past, it's been like the Shawshank Redemption...a freedom I can only let myself have after crawling through a mile of ---- to get there. I guess...I'd like to catch up to my daughter and claim what's been offered to me over and over again without terror or guilt.

I don't know why I'm rambling so much. I just can't figure it out. What am I supposed to do from here? Where do I go? How do I get there? When will I be done? Will I ever be done? Some day I am going to lose him. I want to be able to really "have" him before that happens...that way even when he goes (retires or whatever), I get to keep him forever...

(((Draggers))) (((Monte))) Thanks so much for your kind encouragement.

I am just...really...really...sad today. I see T in two hours (not our anniversary session, technically, but he doesn't know the exact date, so who knows if he'll bring it up, since the holiday we first met individually was yesterday). I really don't know what to say to him or if I even want to talk. Everything feels very heavy. I feel like I'm letting him down. Also, all day, I can't shake this feeling like something bad is going to happen, some punishment is coming, I've slipped up badly in some irredeemable way. I just want to feel safe. I'm very tired.

((((yaku))))
i hope therapy goes well

(((CD))) Thanks, it went pretty well. It was so good to see T and know for sure that he doesn't wish I'd never come back and isn't impatient with me the way I am with myself.

He was being tough on me about my self-invalidation/denial stuff (deserved, because it is internally very destructive), but concluded cutely with, "So knock that off!"

And I said, "OK, I will," meekly, but playfully.

He said, "Good, we fixed that one. What's next?"

I made a joke about having to roll through a bunch of other things, because of the three-year expiration or cut-off date for our therapy. We teased back and forth about that a bit, but he also made it really clear it never really enters his mind in that way. He did seem kind of impacted in a way, like, "Wow, three years, huh?" I know it has been a lot of work for him, just like it has been for me.

But, he was his usual self, though seemingly a little sick. He was sweet, caring, but also challenging. I felt...just safe with him, to be where I'm at right now, which was just what I needed. And another part got much-needed time as well.

I don't know what I want to do Friday, still. I've always had an idea ahead of time of what I wanted to do, but still, nothing feels right.

Oh, off-topic, but this is kind of funny. My T had never heard of where we were going camping and asked about it. He grew up around my area, but lives two plus hours away. Anyway, I guess his wife wanted to have an outing Friday, since he got off early (because I wasn't around ), so they eventually decided to try to go to the coast, but he missed his exit on the highway and ended up getting lost and driving, literally, right by the campground he knew I was staying at. He saw the sign for it and everything. He even thought of texting/calling to let me know (just since it was funny and so coincidental), but decided not to. I'm glad he didn't, because I didn't have signal anyway and it was more fun to hear him tell the whole story in person. So, even though I missed my Friday session, he was close by and thinking of me. And even thought of what it would be like to see me there, although he never would have invaded like that. So, that felt really nice.

Have I mentioned I really love my T? I just wish I could shake this nagging feeling that I can't "keep him." I know he'll be a part of me forever, but that feels like such a violation, because aside from my H (we've had to fight through some awful stuff to keep each other), I've never gotten to keep anyone, really, and certainly not a potential attachment figure. I guess I want him to be my forever person (attachment wise). I mean, I guess he already is at this point, but I guess I'd like to hear that from him, rather than hiding those feelings out of shame...

quote:

I felt...just safe with him, to be where I'm at right now, which was just what I needed. And another part got much-needed time as well.

I'm glad for you.

(((RT))) Thank you.

Today was the day. I spent most of the morning with my younger sibling, so I didn't make him anything at all. I did, however, pick up a card on my way into my session.

It had a photo of a young girl (two-ish) holding an awkwardly large telephone receiver in black and white on the front. It was blank on the inside. I wrote simply:

"Thank you for being there...
...and staying.

-Yakusoku"

I used my first name, obviously, which was insanely hard for me to write, as I almost always avoid closeness by the use of initials. I couldn't write his name in any variation on the card. I asked him to open it after I left, which he did, because I knew I couldn't bear too positive of a reaction. He texted me right as I got to my car, something like, "Thank you for the sweet card," and then, "I'm sorry if that is mortifying... "

The session itself was good. We talked about the usual how things are going stuff and also I brought up some scary goals I have with him, which I have mentioned in the past, but not made progress on. And that is to learn to have eye contact, and to learn to say an actual name, rather than the avoidant, "Dr. [last name initial]," which while adequate, I use to distance myself as much as possible, depersonalize. I have never even said that name directly to him, but I would prefer to use either his first or last full name. He started trying to get me to practice with his first, but I couldn't do it. He also tried to get me to practice eye contact, which I could do a bit, with extreme anxiety, if he was sitting across the room instead of next to me, and I had my glasses off, so he was a tiny bit blurry. I still had to look down every 5-10 seconds and felt ill.

He says now we will start practicing that at the beginning of every session, because he wants me to be able to connect. The rest was my usual session stuff and T was his usual goofy, caring self.

Oh, I did forget one sweet thing he said. I told him that I didn't bring him an animal or sculpture this year, no gift, just a card with a few words. And he said, "That's not no gift. That's two gifts, or actually three. The card is one gift; your words are the second gift; and you [he pointed at me] are the third." It kind of creeped me out (in a sweet way), because I had actually thought earlier in the day of just saying, "Sorry, this year, the only gift I brought is me," since I was feeling like, really, that's all I had or wanted to offer him right now. When I got in there, I just couldn't do it, because it felt dishonest, since I don't FEEL like a gift. But, T felt I was one, which was very sweet. I argued with him a bit about not feeling like a gift, but he made sure to emphasize my mattering to HIM, which is not something I get to decide, obviously.

Anyway, in case anyone wanted to know how my third T-versary session went, there it is...

Yaku, he does sound like a very sound guy. I feel like I like him, even though I've only read about him here. I'm glad your 3 year session went okay.

Yaku, That is really, really special. I'm happy for you.

(((Draggers))) (((Monte))) (((Mallard))) (((Rebuilding Me)))

Thanks for all the encouragement for my work with my T so far and going forward.

Monte, haha, sometimes he is maybe not the most "professional" in his approach, or maybe it is tempered with a non-standard level of investment. Your post meant so much to me. I reread it over and over again. Just to have someone say what he has said and I know, which is how deeply he cares, but still, to have it seen from the outside, is very touching. I am truly blessed. I don't know "how" I will be able to keep him exactly, but I do know that he believes in the eternal sense that we will be connected forever. I'd love it if we could stay connected in the temporary, earthly sense as well. I wish I could adopt him.