just wanted to say that I will miss you TN... I haven't been able to read all of the responses here and I'm so sorry if this seems so out of sync. But I really want to say I totally respect your decision and know what it's like to litterally "hang out in the baby section while struggling with infertility," and metaphorically when it comes to the process of healing and recovery and this battle with my emotions...
right now I am in both places. I kinda have some of the better side of therapy - I am so lucky to be in equine therapy, especially right at the point the stuff hits the fan so bad I lose all words... and at the same time, in the middle of the stuff hitting the fan in the last 4 weeks, just this last week, my old T threw my privacy to the wind in a casual conversation with a family member in a social setting, and then suddenly started emailing me daily to the point where I finally showed my current T and she and I actually had to contact the police to get her to stop the emails. I had already tried shutting down the email account she had, but then my family gave her my new one, and she emailed that, and then when I shut that down telling her I'd contact the feds about privacy violation by emailing me and contact the pd for emailing me after i told her no emails whatsoever she can mail me a letter (of which I never open nor respond to) ... she texted me 3 times saying I had to respond to her mailed letters. and that's when... well, I showed my T. I could not even tell her. I just started crying and saying please make it stop please...
I want to hug my T, the equine one and my "regular" current T... but no actually that thought freaks me out beyond all reason... I just want to curl up next to the horses, and just sit with my T trying to trust I'm ok with her too, not just the foals who can't speak... which is basically all I did in T last week.
it hurts. it hurts to know it can be better. it makes what is broken seem all the more real. I told my T that being warm, being safe, makes the cold seem all the colder... so it makes me actually not want to even know or feel safe with her at all... because it makes the very unsafe and very painfully broken seem all the more broken and harder.
wow, I didn't think I would say all of that. But TN, and anyone else in simillar spot, I sorta get it - and know that if you ever are in a place where you want to come back, this place will still be here.
...and I also want to say that this was very well said jill. (and jill, I agree, don't hide your opinion. it helped me find my own words.)
quote:
Originally posted by jill:
don't anyone get hurt, i was going to leave this privately, but, thought i shouldn't need to 'hide' my opinions. and i am not trying to be controversial, but for anyone else out there struggling with 'infertility in the baby ward'...
TN, i venture leaving entirely quite often, just when i think i will, i read something helpful, but all in all, i have put too much time into this, and spent time avoiding what i really need to be doing that, in turn, would probably be more productive to me.
too, keep in mind, we are all juggling our own bags of sh"t, so we are not exactly all dealing with a full deck, much less, the ability to always be there for one another.
i know how hurt i am when no one responds, and sometimes it makes me want to leave entirely, and with a big fire-y message. so, you have class, girl, and you will persevere, i know you will. the emotional rollercoaster is understandable, and i am on it at most times, too. i just try to not look outside of my 'car'. y'no?
it is revolting at times the 'blessings of attunement i hear'...but really, i coulda said the same thing about t3 until d day. and you had a number of years with yours. tn, one day you will know more about what and why this happened, this was 'multi-determined', meaning, it is not entirely about you. he has the issue, my friend. you were just in the path. i know that doesn't help.
i am going to try this dbt gal to get a handle on the emotional rollercoaster, but a pa type deal for the insight, and probably go three times a week til i get a foothold, december or so? and then, maybe i'll have a better way to judge what is helping, but, for me, with this bpd stuff in my diagnosis, i gotta get some 'tools' to contain the fire of emotions that bring me to my knees.
i have given up that any of this is a quick fix, so, the road is long and bumpy, but i can't quit. or die. not an option. i have kids, a husband, and, i do, today, feel a flicker of hope. i will say, bible study (i do three a week plus church and sunday school) make a difference in my hope.
thinking of you! hang on, and do what you need to do. you owe none of us anything. and i mean that kindly...take care of yourself!! jill
, but as others have said, I understand why you must go, and respect your decision. Thank you for being such a valuable member of the board, and for the links and explanations on attachment, and especially for all the support and encouragement you gave to me when I was hurting over the termination with my T. You know the "door" is always open if at some point down the road you want to come back. You never know...in the meantime, I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Keep searching for the answers, I believe you will find them. Don't give up. 
