Megan I could have written this post nearly word for word!

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I feel as if I am going insane, that I just want to go to my T and wrap myself in her care.... It feels as if my heart has been shredded and torn appart since I started therapy in January. I want to leave, because it's making everything worse and now on top of everything I have got attached!

I think, at least for me, it is the attachment that makes everything even scarier. I've never let myself attach like this before - not even to my own parents, and being attached to someone that is paid to be in my life puts me in a very vulnerable position. But it's worth it, or so I'm told. Our Ts may be paid to work with us, but they aren't paid to care.

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It's not a real relationship and is only something that will never be with anybody - How does a person cope with being so attached to something that doesn't exist?... All these questions and emotions that I have tried so long to hide and now just can't anymore...

It IS a real relationship, but an oddly lopsided one in the sense that it's all about us. And the goal is to be able to transfer the skills we gain from our Ts to the rest of the world. For me, It's like now that I know what it feels like to be cared about, and "held in her care" once I have this for a while, and the feeling doesn't feel so foreign (which really could take a few years) then I'll be better able to recognize that feeling in the rest of my relationships, and hopefully cultivate it myself with others. I am currently working on recognizing that all this junk surfacing is all my buried feelings and emotions that I've never let myself feel before. It's scary! I don't like it one bit. But my T reassures me that it's all normal and healthy. Feeling our feelings on a daily basis IS good! Stuffing them so that they feel this overwhelming when they surface? That's the stuff we're working through, and that's why it feels so insane to me!

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I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy - maybe I am???? I keep looking for a sign from my T that she wants to end therapy, cause she has to be like everybody else - she has to push away too.. But yet she has been patient and empathetic and caring and trusting and just all good...I'm waiting for something bad to happen!! That's why I want to run, before it does happen.

I actually wrote this last night in my journal - that I want to leave before she leaves me. That's what I have always done to prevent myself from getting attached. But you know what? I'm worth the care and compassion I get from my T. And though a big part of me does want to run, I'm determined not to. I think that now that I know what this good stuff, this care, feels like, I want to surround myself in it. And since it only comes from T, I am going to stick it out, it will be worth the pain and agony, so I've been told, in the end.

Hugs to you megan - you are not alone in this process!

Thanks Room2grow
I think that is what makes this forum so awesome is the fact that it makes us realise we are not alone... It's makes my heart stop a beat or two, knowing that somebody out there feels just like I do, and understands.

I am attached to my therapist in a BIG way, one that makes me feel the danger the closer I get, that the fear grips me like it wants to drain the life out of me for caring about somebody so deeply. Man, if I could only just put my head on her lap and sob all my fears away.

I know I have to push through with the therapy and in a way I've passed the turning back point. It's just so scary. I miss her so much during sessions that I don't know what to do anymore. I've also never allowed anything like this before - for once somebody cares and believes me and doesn't judge me.. I wish I knew her sooner in my life - or better, where has she been my whole life?

Thank you for your post, means a lot to me.

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Man, if I could only just put my head on her lap and sob all my fears away.

I held on to this one for a while, and I think a part of me still does. What I've realized during the past few extremely teary sessions, is that when I am in my Ts office, sitting in the comfy chair, I DO feel held, even though T stays in her chair. I sit there and cry and cry and cry, and I think it's because I feel wrapped up in her words... And as much as I would love to have that hug and be able to lay my head on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her and let her hold me while I sob, I have reached the place where I think that would actually hurt more than it helps. Bizarre, considering all these years, that's all I've wanted. The way I see it now, when I'm home, and in the same teary space, I try to call up the words T says to soothe and comfort me, and I hear her voice in my head. If T were actually holding me, I don't know that I'd be able to recreate that at home? I don't know if this makes any sense, and it could just be a way for me to shove off the fact that a part of me still wants the physical comfort, but...

I found a quote that I posted somewhere else in the forum, but I don't remember where, so I'll post it again, cause it kinda fits:

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"I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it."

It sounds to me like you're in the same position I am in... I never ever ever ever ever let anyone climb over the wall before, even if they tried, I wouldn't let them. But I finally let T climb the wall... and it's scary. I think I've reached a place with T where every time I see her, she sits atop the wall just waiting for me to let her in. And while others may have tried to do the same in my past, I wasn't ready to let them in....

((((megan))))