Glad you asked this question NavyMe, as I'm kinda curious about the whole gift giving/therapy relationship too.

To answer your questions:

1. If my T is out of town, then it's forced time off. As T is in town this holiday, I am actually able to increase my appointments during the break, since many clients are away.

2. Not sure about giving gifts... have been too chicken to ask! Planning on giving a card after the new year and avoiding the whole holiday craze.

3. Just the gift of Ts undivided attention, patience, and understanding for 90 minutes a week - best gift ever, and even better, it's a weekly occurrence!

I'm curious also.

Well I've only been in therapy for just over 6 months, so I don't know what it'll be like being away from T for 3 weeks. I think I'll be okay. I usually am because I'm busy focusing on other things. I think I also detach very quickly too, especially at this moment in time where I'm very unimpressed with the way she handles goodbye's sometimes. I've really distanced myself right now..

I've given T a gift once, of chocolate as I had a promotions job which involved lots of leftover chocolate! She took it well. I'm going to give her a card. Still scary to give her something, especially with my trust issues.

I've never received a gift from her and I don't suppose that I will. She's not that kind of person unfortunately.

quote:

Do you take time away from therapy during the holiday season?

T is only taking one week off, but also Jan 2, so I will have 14 days between sessions. I wouldn't choose, myself, to take any time away from therapy. I'm a little worried about my moods while not seeing her for 2 weeks.

quote:

Does your T allow you to give a gift?

I don't know if she does, but last week during Wednesday's session I saw a wrapped gift on her desk. It made me feel weird.... I made a paper-bag card for her for Thanksgiving, and she accepted it, looked at it in front of me, said it was "very creative," but honestly, I hated how it felt giving it to her. I won't be giving her anything for Christmas. I guess I felt Thanksgiving was appropriate because I was thanking her.

quote:

Have you ever received one from them?

No, and I am sure I won't ever.

1. I'm not going anywhere, but my T might take time off. I'm still not 100% clear on what's happening this break, but I plan on trying to hash that out tonight. Last year, he took like a week-and-a-half off and I had two weeks between sessions...but I was only going once a week, so although it was a hard time of year for me, the attachment stuff wasn't quite as intense. This year, I assumed he was doing the same thing, but when I texted him my agenda for tonight's session (so I don't forget to ask him AGAIN), he replied that we'll be meeting at least twice over the holidays, maybe more. But, I don't know if meeting means in person or via Skype. If he's working with multiple clients, I'm OK with it. If he is going out of his way, taking time away from his family ONLY to accommodate me, I'm not sure I'll be able to accept that very easily.

2. My T accepts gifts. I have tested this a few times. I made him a sock monkey for our one year T-anniversary, which he loves and takes down off the shelf every time I am in that office. I found out his birthday accidentally, because he put it on his Skype profile. So, I made him a sock horse for his second office that we sometimes meet in for our second appointment if he has an opening for me on Wednesday. He just moved to a new room at that suite, which is "his" room with his furnishings, so the horse has a place on his table under his lamp next to some photo of what I assume is his wife. I think he might put it away when others are using the office on the days he is elsewhere, though. He also told me a couple of weeks ago, he spent a couple hours with the horse hanging out on his lap while he talked to a couple of long-term clients who already know he's a complete goof and he feels comfortable with. After Thanksgiving, I also brought him some butternut squash soup I had made for a dinner with our friends/pastor, since the week before, he had been looking at an article on pumpkin soup. All three times, I either said in person or in advance via text that I had something for him, but if it was a boundary violation or not appropriate to please feel free to let me know and I would just show it to him and then take it back home with me. I only give him things I make, though. For some reason, that feels more OK to me than just buying him something, although I am sorely tempted to buy him a clock for the office he just moved into, because the one they provided him ticks VERY loudly right behind where I sit and he had to hide it in his file cabinet to keep it from annoying both of us.

3. I consider a lot of the little things T does for me to be gifts. Little things like adjustments to the room or scheduling to work with my needs seem like Christmas to me, LOL, and are so hard to accept sometimes. T did, the week after I gave him the anniversary sock monkey, buy a cupcake in a flavor he knew I liked and put a lit candle in it for me to blow out and surprised me. I'm kind of scared I might show up to something similar this week...it was pretty embarrassing to try to eat a bit of cupcake in front of my T while he wasn't sharing, so I hope he joins if he brings something. I know he doesn't give gifts in general, across the board, though, because neither H nor I got anything last year.

Hi NavyMe. I gave my therapist (last year), a token box of chocolates and a box of pretty tissues, as i had used soooo many tissues during our sessions! It was not too personal and it gave her a giggle!. I gave her a card too thanking her for all the good things she had done for me during the year. HC

I know my T accepts gifts, because one time when I showed up for a session there was a new book on the coffee table that caught my attention. T explained that it was a gift from a client, and told me a bit about the book. She seemed so pleased, and I knew it was genuine because why should she pretend for me? I hadn't given the book to her. It was kind of cute and made me realize that therapists are human after all and are sometimes genuinely touched by these gestures (although I know some therapists do not allow gifts at all. . . ).

That said, I won't be giving anything to T because it would feel awkward to me and I don't celebrate the holidays in the traditional sense anyway. I really hope she doesn't have anything for me, but I'd be shocked if she did, because surely they realize that could be triggering or confusing in many ways, for some clients?

Oh, and and she's taking a week off for the holidays, so I'll be missing at least one session. But I will survive!

Hi Navyme,

When I was going to therapy regularly (which for mean meant once a week) we would often end up skipping at least one appointment due to the holidays because either my T or I would have plans that would interfere (more often than not him as I tended to plan my life around therapy. )

As for gift giving, I have given my T gifts both for no occasion and for Christmas. The gifts are usually inexpensive (I give him socks a lot as he has a large novelty sock collection which I add to when I find the right pair). I have continued to give him Christmas gifts even though I don't see him regularly (I've since him seven times in the last 15 months), I just drop it off in the mail box at his office. This years gift is a bookmark.

I have never gotten any gift from him for any occasion, nor would I expect one. I have a blanket from his office which I offered to replace so I could keep it and he agreed to that. (He offered to let me cut off a piece but the blanket was chenille and it would have ruined it, so I replaced instead) and I have a hand written letter which I requested at our last "regular" appointment.

I give him gifts because I want to leave something of myself in his office and/or I wish to express how I feel. But I don't expect gifts back as it's not part of the relationship the way it would be with any other relationship this intimate. I try to remind myself I don't expect a Christmas present from my dentist or doctor.

But in any case, if you give a gift, be ready to discuss why you did it. Most Ts are comfortable receiving small gifts, especially if they are meaningful for the client, but it's also important to discuss the gift and what it meant to you to give it.

AG

AG, you have a really good point about discussing gift giving in the session.

When I gave my T a gift of some chocolate samples I had leftover from a promotions gig I did, we discussed how I felt about it. I felt emotional about it. I felt embarrassed and awkward but also, so pleased for her to accept them. I said to her that I was scared to give her something because if she rejected it in anyway, I would feel that she would be rejecting the whole of me.

For her to accept a gift felt like a big step toward the interpersonal part of the relationship somehow. But it is VERY scary for me. I mentioned soon after about how I think about hugging her sometimes but also how emotionally overwhelming it would be for me.

Basically it revealed a LOT about how I deal with close relationships and the magnitude of how I isolate myself out of protection. It was saddening and emotional but also good I hope, for future development.

Wow FMN - when you think about the act of giving and describing the feelings associated with it - it is a really huge thing.

I read your post and thought - I would have felt all that. To me rejection would have been a terrible outcome - Looking at T's facial expression and if it wasn't what i expected - it would destroy me.

That is why I am not going to give T anything this Christmas. I tell her often that I am thankful for her and she is wonderful and I appreciate her being in my life. I am hoping this is enough for her to know.

Hey SD, yeah it opened up doors to know who I am better. Sad but true. I was always told that I wasn't a touch kind of person. Oh well. I'm going to give her an Xmas card. That's a little more scary because I will write her name on it! :S. Ha..

I am taking time away from T1 over the holidays. I am going to visit a friend for Christmas and probably won't do therapy with her while I'm gone even though i could do a phone session. Then she is traveling the following week for new years to visit family so I won't have therapy with her that week. Then I'm moving out of state and will be unable to do therapy with her the week after that probably.

I have not ever given T1 a gift but I'm sure she would probably accept one if I gave her one. I made her a handmade greeting card with some symbolic references that will be hopefully be meaningful to her. I've made her two other cards that she loved. One of the cards I made for her made her cry she said. She knows how much love and energy I put into making my handmade greeting cards so I know the Christmas card I made for her will probably mean more to her than a gift i would buy for her...and is probably less awkward for her to accept since they don't cost a lot of money to make. I do intend to purchase something or make a gift for her when I terminate my therapy though.

I received a gift from T1 in 1994 when I moved away for college and terminated my therapy. I have not received another gift from her since resuming my therapy with her last year. She doesn't remember giving me the gift, so I don't really care to receive another gift from her since it seems that it would carry far more meaning to me than it would to her.


*edited to add,
I have not ever given or received anything to/from T2. I am currently seeing both T1 and T2(again) but will be terminating with T2 again in a few weeks when I move. I do not think she would ever accept a gift, nor would she ever give me one. Tight boundaries.

Tonight was my last session before Christmas. My T offered to see me next week, but I decided to take the week off in preparation for traveling to see family for Christmas.

I had intended to chance giving her something, but timing prevented it from panning out that way. I did manage to find a card that I thought matched up our mutual sense of humour fairly well though.

As I was on the way out the door, she paused as we were saying goodbye for the holidays and said "I'm going to hug you"..and then did. She reminded me that with all the hard work that had gone on in the past few months - Getting through the holidays in the usual ways might be challenging - And reminded me that she was always available via email.

Challenging session...good end

NavyMe,

That was really touching! She sounds really great.

I WAS thinking that it would be nice if our T's gave US gifts. My husband is self-employed and it is customary in his field to thank the client for their patronage and business. This T-business sure is an odd-duck!

How lovely of your T to say that and do it NavyMe - you must have felt very cared for!!

Regarding the giving of gifts, I tested my T by giving a plant last Christmas but this year I wanted it to be personal so she would also know that I see her for the lovely person she is and not just as a T, so I wrote a special card and gave her a gorgeous scarf that I just loved - the colours were perfect for her complexion and hair (grey like mine) - she immediately draped it around herself and went to a mirror and just said "perfect" with this huge smile on her face! I felt so good!!!

So I guess my advice would be to test with a card and something small and see how that's received.

Cheers, Morgs

Sorry to bring this up from the depths...

I have two Ts - t2 I give gifts to (twice once was today) and my other T, T1, I cannot bare the idea. I have made stuff for her... I have asked her if she accepts gifts and she said yes, it can be very therapeutic.

So with boundaries and being so clinical about things I feel like giving her something heartfelt means something to me but since it's just therapy and my gift is just "clinically effective" to give I am struggling. It's not rejection, some of it is but I know she will accept what I give her unless it is inappropriate which the art I have made is not.

The problem with two Ts is when one is better at stuff than the other like T2 cried when I have her my gift last year - this year it wasn't emotional it felt... Bleh but she gave me a hug and seemed happy and what I painted was symbolic. T1 is a more boundaried T who is open and honest but I don't think she'll give a damn about what I give her. I feel like it will be "this was good for you, thank you for the gift" and then she will throw it in the trash on her way out to the car. What I give is special to me and even though it is given freely I feel like why bother? Or if I do bother it will be just to prove to myself I can move through this issue I have. It's like I feel like causally tossing it her way and saying "here". I even made her painting on something not even hang able So it's easy to get rid of.

This is a lot of transference obviously I know it's fine and good to be with a more conservative T especially because the work is complimented by my other T who I get along with differently. Growing up and even now my parents never cared about my gifts - it was usually destroyed when they got mad or thrown away or ignored (my parents did pay attention to me on other ways like coming to sports games and events very often). But giving them things rarely mattered they were always accepted and then visibly devoid or worth or value. I know it's not my Ts place to want or like what I give her but the experience Is so scary. I know it is me practicing being vulnerable but it's not to direct rejection it's that I know it's just a clinical thing to her just like to my parents my gifts were just worthless crap. I don't give stuff often and feel people will hate me of I do or it will be wrong or I hand it to them saying sorry of you hate it - it's okay if you don't want it. So I feel like I should give y T something that's not important to me just so I can do the clinical experience.

I know a lot of you have Ts that display stuff... Mine doesn't appear to. I see cards for a week maybe but those could be from colleagues/friends and I assume she just pitches them without much thought after. Her shelves have stuff that seems like hers.

So anyway any thoughts on what I can do to make this a meaningful experience for myself? I guess just being okay with her possibly not actually caring about what I give her? I already do that. She has touched my heart but I can't touch hers back which is okay I get it's good and healthy not to know (she has said she loves me but it's not like a special or specific love it's... Just who she is she loves). Anyway I don't know how to give her something without feeling like I might as well throw it is away before I even give it to her. I can show my thanks just saying thanks and she can say her empty clinically required thank you and we move on. I just really want to share myself and express my appreciation in the best language I know. I don't expect reciprocation - I just ... Feel sad it's a clinical experience not anything that actually matters in life. I give gifts and notes of thanks (I call lines or ask to see managers to compliment service people all Ts time) and don't expect anythig back or them to know who I am or whatever but... Ugh. With t it's just So hard. I can easily thank everyone and be okay with it but not her.

Why don't you talk to her about all of this? I'm sure it would be an enlightening conversation for both of you!

We've already talked about it. I think I can again before I actually GIVE it to her if it's in my hand and I bring it to session. What is she going to say? No, I wouldn't just put it in the trash right after session? She's not going to say YES I do throw it away immediately and don't care her job requires a lot of supportive smoke and mirrors. It's not that I think anyone else does this I just assume she does because of the profession. That it's a totally fake relationship where my gift is a 'clinical marker'.

Hmph I'm being resistant today I've talked about this also with my other T who says I'm just afraid of T1 and being rejected. But... I know since it would be clinically effective my T will accept my gift not necessarily because she will want or like it. Which I suppose is with all gifts but I'd hope if someone didn't want what I was giving them they'd just say... I don't want this or can't accept it. That's easier for me to deal with than someone accepting soomething they don't want

Well here's the crux of it then, I think.

I am generally happy to accept gifts from people I love, even if I don't otherwise especially need or want the gift, *because it is from them.* The gift has value because of who it reminds me of, whether or not it's really my taste. But maybe you don't trust that your T values you enough as a person or values her relationship with you enough to value your gift as something from you and not for the value of the gift itself.

I think that is probably it, BLT.. I was talking to a friend today and realized... I don't accept her "gifts" very well... I write the wonderful loving things she says off as "just her job" not genuine contributions from another caring human being. So of course... I feel the same way about my gifts to her that it's "just a thing [some] clients do" and it means nothing but secretly to me it means so much but I just can't really connect to it. I'm struggling not to feel like things are just "all in a days work" I've removed a lot of her humanness, and objectified her in the same ways I do myself. Eventually it will correct.

quote:

I feel like it will be "this was good for you, thank you for the gift" and then she will throw it in the trash on her way out to the car.
Growing up and even now my parents never cared about my gifts - it was usually destroyed when they got mad or thrown away or ignored
I know it is me practicing being vulnerable but it's not to direct rejection it's that I know it's just a clinical thing to her just like to my parents my gifts were just worthless crap.

hi catalyst,
i'm sorry i quoted the most painful things for you but they really stood out for me and i really felt for you... i am sorry that your parents didn't treasure your gifts - because that was probably felt for you that they didn't treasure you
i don't have much experience with gifts in therapy - except for when i left my previous T and i made her a card and she also gave me a card and a small symbolic gift. i was completely blown away that she gave me something, especially more than just a card. although the card felt quite cold and distant and that hurt, but i guess the small gift made up for it (maybe she was giving 2 gifts for the 2 parts of me, the 'adult' who doesnt like touchy feely emotional stuff and the 'child').
anyway, what i wanted to say is that i think its really brave for you to even consider giving her a gift, considering your history. and i also think it will be therapeutic talking more about it, whether you end up giving something to her or not. and you might find that she will accept it graciously and even treasure it in a way. i struggle a lot too with the clinical aspect - does it always mean that they really don't care and are just doing their job, maybe reluctantly sometimes..?! i dont have any answers really... i wish you luck!


puppet

Catalyst, I understand you completely when you said you feel the need to give gifts even if the person doesn't know they are from you. I do it all the time. In fact a lot of the time they are annonymous gifts that I drop at peoples doors, sometimes it is where I see a need and sometimes it is just because I really want to give them something. For me the gifts are not always about value but about meaning in that persons world. It could be a poem, a photograph, a bunch of flowers or a surprise for a friend by just bringing them dinner for the evening. Once when I had no money I went into my friends house with the knowledge of her family, and I cleaned the whole house, did her washing and ironing and cooked her dinner. I loved the look of surprise and appreciation on her face - there was no monetary value to that gift, but it made her day. Sometimes I feel my heart just wants to explode with appreciation, and I feel so happy when I give that unexpected gift. The strange thing is I have dropped off flowers at my therapists door on more than one occassion, but have only had one thank you from her even though she was very aware they came from me, since they were always accompanied by a card with heartfelt thanks.

Right now she has hurt me a lot, but I still love her, and just this week I have been thinking about giving her a gift - a photograph I took of a landscape - but I am scared she will take offense, so I have been holding back, but really I just want her to know that no matter how she feels about me, I will always love her.... It's probably a bad idea, and she will probably just throw it in the bin, and I will be left wondering what she ever thought. There are people who appreciate my gifts, I just wish she was one of them.

Thank you for the empathetic support and understanding.

I'm bringing something for my T today... have a lot going on but we'll see if I can give it to her. It's *highly lame* it looks like a 4-5 year old made it but... it will have to do.

Well it went okay, but I feel like I really f'ed up the entire experience. I did exactly what I expected which was discuss how I felt it would be a clinical market, etc, some of the things I wrote here. It was such an emotionally devoid experience even though my T reacted wonderfully. I think she was trying to match me she didn't really react strongly, though like I said I couldn't really share compassionately with her it was a 'here it is, I'm sure your clients give you stuff constantly, I just want to do this". She asked if I wanted to read her something I said.. no. IT would have been overwhelming, it was hard enough just giving it to her. I feel like I stole what could have been a really bonding moment away from both of us. I think I was shut down. At one point I thought she had gotten up to put it somewhere but she was back all of a sudden still holding it in front of me and talking but I wasn't really there.

So anyway... I admire people who can be emotionally genuine with their Ts - express love, compassion, need, thanks... I'm just so avoidant I think my way of protecting myself is just so much about downplaying and devaluing the relationship which I did so much today by not truly sharing with my T as good as I wish I could have. I know I would be desperately uncomfortable if someone gave me a gift the way I gave it to her it was almost like it didn't matter - but... it did matter. I feel horrible now - guilty, ashamed. I don't think I can give her anything again she really reacted well, just laid back I think either not to scare me off or to match me or because she doesn't give a damn either way LOL and it is just... like I said, a clinical thing. She accepts gifts all the time so I'm sure she's good at it, it's just me that's not good at giving specifically to her.

Plus if I think about it she probably doesn't want to encourage the behavior by reacting well either incase she is worried I'll start getting inappropriate. My poor T (what I gave her was really heavy, and to stand upright had to be leaned on something) was not really sure where to place what I gave her and I told her I had bought a tiny stand for it for her but, I said, "I didn't' want to be presumptuous" she kind of half-grinned at me. She asked if she could keep it in her office (this lady know I'm a long term client, right? unless she's moving soon ) and I told her "I won't be offended if you don't keep it here - it's yours to do with what you want and I don't want your to feel obligated"

These sound like really self-defeating statements but they weren't said in a way to get reassurance (which, even if they were said for that she wouldn't give me - she's not that kind of T) but more said in a way to calm myself. I feel like I robbed us both of what could have been a better moment but when you turn off your heart to the outside it is turned off on the inside too.

I just feel empty. There isn't anything she could have done better.