I wonder if anyone has this problem;

When I'm with T, there are times where I well up but I don't know what to do with the tears. Sometimes I feel that when I cry, I feel silly because they are so disconnected to the source. It's like someone just switched on the 'cry' and then switched it off. My body feels nothing.

Sometimes when I talk about stuff, I cannot decide whether to cry or not because the tears don't feel real. And when they don't feel real, I prefer to choke them back because I'm unsure as to whether I'm making them happen for attention or that they are actually real. They just feel like...nothing.

I've been going through this little conundrum with T actually. Half the time I cannot understand if what I'm feeling is 'real' or whether it's because my tendency to worry and over analyze everything.

I've told T that I sometimes think that the relationship between me and her seems 'surreal'. It seems surreal because it is something so different to what I've experienced in my life I think. My mind has somehow diffused the strength of the attachment and put it to the back of my mind when I'm not with her. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing.

I also feel that sometimes I should not be telling her anything because that means I'm a narcissist. I think I've linked it up to feeling, perhaps, unworthy of telling my story because there's no need or it's attention seeking in a bad way and I should not be doing it. I should keep silent.

Does anyone feel these little glitches in therapy which makes things a little difficult.

When I saw her last week, I sat in front of her and thought she was literally the most beautiful and wonderful woman I'd ever met. But I think this is too overwhelming for me to deal with right now.

I hope I can learn to attach to T and feel myself close to her without being so darn scared of even thinking about her too much in case it makes me feel too intense.

I was on the bus the other day and sad and I thought of her and in that rare moment of feeling attached to her, I really felt pain. I wanted her there with me so badly but I had to choke it all back. I couldn't let it break through because it was making me feel almost terribly desperate for her in a very overwhelming way. I had to think of something else because if I had somehow let that sadness take over, I would have felt the world break down around me and I'd feel intensely lonely and extremely needy.

I hope that in time this can subside. Anyway, I just wanted to vent it out to you all who are so supportive. I even feel weird writing this out. I feel I should clam it up because it's attention seeking and bad. Maybe it is. I guess attention seeking isn't so bad if one hasn't had it for most of they're lives.

Hope everyone is getting ready for Xmas well xx