Hi HBShadow -

I think this has to be true, because there are such a huge range of approaches under the banner 'therapy' and such a huge range of needs people go with. So if you really wanted to get to know yourself and your history and the hidden parts of your being better, a therapist offering short-term CBT wouldn't work for you - but could be great for someone wanting to deal with a problematic behaviour quickly and efficiently. (I'm not an expert on CBT, though, so my apologies if I'm misrepresenting it).

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that therapy is a two-way relationship, and both parties bring their stuff to it. I know my feelings about my therapist have veered pretty wildly at times simply because she challenges me on things I'd rather not think about. So a therapist with poor skills could seem awful to a particular client, but it's also possible that a therapist with great skills could seem awful to the same client!

Don't know if that helps... is it a situation you are dealing with?

Yes....there is a therapist I want to trust and yet I know some others have issues with that therapist. Just that nagging doubt that what if I should listen to those other people...and yet I know that MY interactions with the therapist have been nothing but helpful....and the therapist has lots of experience and the others are just two people. And yet, I always make bad decisions and what if I turn around and really trust this therapist but then end up getting hurt in the same way? Where's that crystal ball to the future anyway?? I need to take a look!

HBS, I think the big problem with not having a crystal ball is that every decision carries risk and loss with it. Every time we make a decision *for* something we also make a decision against something else, and we put ourselves in danger of losing the thing we've risked for. I'm not trying to be negative, here - it's just that all coins have two sides.

What I notice in myself is that I try NOT to make decisions, try NOT to risk anything or lose anything. I think maybe that's because when I was growing up, whenever I made a decision or took a positive action, I kind of had my nose rubbed in the risk and the loss, like any negative outcome was something that could be avoided if only I was good/smart/psychic enough.

The example that's jumping to mind is that once in my early teens I was supposed to help paint our (very sloped) house roof and I was up there on my own. The paint tin slipped, and I didn't leap to catch it because there was a considerable chance I'd fall off. I got into heaps of trouble for the paint disaster, but actually it was just a decision that had to be made with risks & problems either way. No one said "that situation was impossible! I'm glad you chose not to fall off the roof!" - but maybe they should have.

Gosh this is getting long-winded! What I'm trying to say is that when you said you "always make bad decisions" that struck a chord with me. I think that's what things look like when you are always blamed/punished/criticized, by others or yourself, for the inevitable down-side to ANY decision. But we always choose stuff because we know there's an up-side too, even if it involves compromise in difficult, imperfect situations.

Soooo... maybe the key here is not in trying to find the perfect decision, but in keeping your eyes open about what could be risked, lost and gained by moving either way, and trusting yourself that you are allowed to make a decision about this (and to talk it over with others! ).

You might get hurt either way... I find it easier to deal with hurt when I know that I put myself at that risk because I *want* certain things out of my life....

Ok, I'll stop rabbiting on now. Sorry for the lecture; clearly I needed to hear this MYSELF!

Why thank you, Echo!

The roof... corrugated iron! My parents were renovation mad - over a ten year period they spent every available resource turning a three bedroom single level dwelling into a three storey place with seven bedrooms... by which stage they had ONE child at home. Ours is not to reason why.

Hi HBShadow,

quote:

Originally posted by HBShadow:
there is a therapist I want to trust and yet I know some others have issues with that therapist. Just that nagging doubt that what if I should listen to those other people...and yet I know that MY interactions with the therapist have been nothing but helpful....and the therapist has lots of experience and the others are just two people. And yet, I always make bad decisions and what if I turn around and really trust this therapist but then end up getting hurt in the same way?

I totally agree that a certain T and a certain approach can be a good fit for one person and not for another. But you also mention "trust", "nagging doubts", and "getting hurt in the same way". Were these two others disappointed because his approach didn't work for them? Or did they get hurt because they couldn't trust him, because he betrayed them?

For me, those would be two very different situations. The first one wouldn't concern me, as long as that T's approach was working for me. The second one would concern me much more because trust is so very important for me. But I can't tell which one it is because I don't know all the details. So if the second one doesn't fit, please disregard.

You say this T has been helpful to you so far...I hope very much that it continues and you get all the healing you are looking for!

SG