hi, Hals! Good topic! I would love to give my T a present...er, most of the time. I'd have to ship him something though, and I just find that too weird or scary or something, so I wouldn't. But if I could give my T something it would probably be a small picture or book, or maybe even some kind of jokey gift since we do joke around a little bit.

BB

Hi Hals,

Same with me...this is my second Christmas with my T, too. Also the same, that last year I didn't even consider it, but this year I definitely want to get her something.

It doesn't sound like your T has a strict "no gift" policy or else you wouldn't even be considering it. My T has never stated anything either...but last year around this time, when I came in for my session, there was a little gift bag sitting on the floor by her chair...she had gone to the restroom and told me to go right in, but I think she forgot about the bag...at first I panicked thinking maybe it was for me, and I hadn't gotten her anything...but then when she came back, she kind of nonchalantly moved it out of my sight...so it must have been a Christmas gift from another patient. So anyway, from that, I assumed that she accepts gifts. Earlier this year, I gave her a begonia, and it went well, so I'm pretty sure a Christmas gift would go well, too.

So I would hope that your T would be gracious in accepting your gift, whatever it turns out to be.

The other thing about gifts, in this therapeutic relationship, is that your T is probably going to want to talk about what the gift "means" about you or to you. My T she has mentioned a few times what my gift-giving says about me, especially lately, when we discuss self-esteem issues. She has pointed out that it says I'm very thoughtful, that I pay attention to the details about people...for example, I got her a begonia because she had told me that her apartment faces away from the sun, and had also asked me if I knew of any shade-loving flowers, and the color was the same color as a vase of fake gerbera daisies in her office (I didn't get the daisies because those are sun-lovers). So I would hope that your T would also take your gift-giving as an opportunity for you to learn more about you.

So my feeling about it is, if you really want to get your T a gift, then go for it. If you are worried about whether it will affect your relationship, maybe you could ask him ahead of time if it's okay? If nothing else maybe you could just talk about what it says about you, that you are so concerned about it, wanting to get just the right gift...my guess is that at least part of this is that you are a very thoughtful and generous and caring person...and maybe you need to hear that a few times.

Good luck, Hals...let us know how it goes!

SG

Thanks for the feedback so far...we have never discussed this. Maybe my T is not normal, but we really have never discussed anything concrete ever regarding boundaries, contact outside of session, hugs, none of what seems to be pretty standard stuff that most people know. I don't know what his policies are and maybe it's becuase they are different for each person...I would like to think that may be it.

I just really feel an overwhelming need to let him know how important he is in my recovery. I've told him, I've said it in emails, but for some reason, feel the need to show him. I suppose maybe it does show something or reveal something about me. Hals...

My oldT did not celebrate Christmas and I only knew him a week before it was Chanukah and so I didn't really even acknowledge it. I didn't even know his religion at that time LOL.

The second Chanukah I gave him a small plaque with a meaningful saying on it. He seemed to like it.

Third Chanukah I gave him 2 CDs of significant music I burned from my itunes list and a small good luck token with the Star of David on it. My son gave him a small chocolate dreidel.

This would have been the 4th Chanukah and sadly we are no longer together but I had already bought his gifts and they sit here in my drawer. They were crazy socks, a keychain and playing cards (he uses them for magic tricks for the kids) with the logo of his fav sports team on it. I can't bear to throw them away nor give them to anyone else so they sit here.

In the past I have given him gifts for other reasons... very small things that were usually related to therapy...and I was always very willing to discuss the reason behind them. I have also brought him food gifts which he seemed to love as he always complimented me on them.

Of course he told me gifts are not necessary and they should be fairly low in cost (mine were always under $10 except in one case which we discussed and it was not more than $20). Hand made home made I think are the best or something small but meaningful to your relationship. I happened to know a fair amount about my T so it was easy to figure out good things to get him.

That said... I don't think it's necessary to give a gift at holidays. Whatever makes you most comfortable. I may give my newT a card but no gift this year. We are still working out the boundaries around that

TN

I used to give my T a Christmas present...I gave her something I knew she liked. I felt like I wanted to give her something as we used to have a small break around Christmas time and I wouldn't see her until the following year.

I said to her if she felt uncomfortable or didn't accept gifts that was fine...well obviously it wasn't!!!! I was terrifed she would reject what I gave her...don't know what I would have done but she never did. She always accepted happily . I'm also lucky because she never asked me why I wanted to give her a gift...she just graciously accepted

Good luck Hals!

Butterfly

I've given my T a Christmas card every year with a family picture inside, but I bet the card never left his office and probably went in the "circular file" (trash). I don't really care, I just like giving/receiving cards.

One time (not at Christmas) I gave him a CD of music I burned from my favorite playlist. Yep, I got the "What does it mean to you to give this to me?" question too! At first I thought he was accusing me of being in love with him or something, yuck. But I just told him, look, they are songs I love and you seem to have the same taste in music I do, so I thought you might like a CD! And a big indignant SHEESH at the end. (Now that I think about it, I bet the CD went in the trash too.)

~D.

Blanket Girl...Maybe just a letter would be a good idea....I just still have so many doubts about giving a gift...insecure I guess thinking he will think it's stupid whatever I give The hard part is that based on how he acts and how he has responded to me in the past, I don't have any concrete reasons to think he would be anything other than gracious...but still can't trust that.

BB - after 1 1/2 years, I am finally starting to joke around a bit with him. Weird really.

Strummergirl - your comment about needing to hear that I am a thoughtful and generous and caring person...maybe a few times is so funny. We talked about this exact thing last session...how I skip over that in most cases when I talk about myself or my situations. I tend to go straight for all the crap and leave forget about the good stuff. Got to get better at that!

STRM - Like I told Blanket Girl.. maybe a letter would be good......As I think more about it though, wouldn't it just be great to be able to sit and tell him how much his help has meant to me? Maybe I will go for that instead....Uuughh

TN - ((((Hugs))))) I can't imagine how you are feeling and I'm sorry if my wondering about gift giving has stirred up stuff for you. I know that it's not necessary to give a gift, in fact most T's I would imagine would prefer not and that is why it is so dang tough for me to decide

Butterfly - If I decide to, I hope it's a gracious experience and not a 'tell me how you feel" experience....sometimes I just want to shout..does there have to be a lesson in everything?

Debbye....You sound so confident and sure of yourself. I had to smile about your comment not worrying about what happens to the card after you leave the office! Good for you!

Deepfried....I think what makes it so hard is that it is a different relationship than any other. We do have something in common, I work with a very gifted stylist too! I usually give her a gift as well at Christmas. Oh...now that is an easy relationship to figure out...nothing like T. How refreshing!

Thanks to all for your input so far...still haven't decided anything concrete, but will update when I do.

Hi Hals,
I wanted to write you a more comprehensive answer but we're heading out to Savannah and if I don't get off the computer soon, my DH will kill me!

So here's some links to old topics on the subject:

Gifts to therapists

Gift giving is fun and worthwhile!

gifts

Just for the record, although I have given a number of gifts to my T, never gave him a Christmas present. Until this year. I found a book I know he'll love so I'm going to drop it off in his mailbox at the office which is on the first floor while his office is on the second floor so I can slip in and out unnoticed.

For my first T, most years I didn't, some I did. A card telling them what they've done for you and thanking them, is I think always appropriate. With my first T, I brought chocolates one year, scented soap from Evelyn and Crabtree another year. At our last session I bought her a necklace and matching earrings I knew she would like, and a custom CD set of music with written explanations of what each song met. My present T's parting gifts were a bottle of wine (long story posted in my Graduation thread) and 2 CD set of music with NO explanations. He didn't need them.

Hope some of that helps!

AG

Oh, AG...thank you so much for the link to the prior threads discussing. I just read through them and they provide me exactly with what I needed. Your story of your gift giving has given me some confidence that if I trust my gut, I think my T will respond as graciously as yours did. He always tells me to trust my gut and I like you just feel strongly in my gut that I need to give him this gift and be able to openly show him how much he has helped me to even be in a position in my life where I am able to feel this strongly...feel gratitude, feel love, feel sadness, feel anger, feel lonely, feel joyful. A few years ago, prior to entering into therapy, I didn't feel much of anything. He is always so humble and always puts the focus back on me when I try and thank him. He always just matter of factly tells me that is how therapy works...kind of shrugs it off as something that I shouldn't be so amazed by. I don't have much to compare him to, he is the only T I've ever known, but I really do believe that he pours himself into his work. I believe that he cares about me and my life and takes great pride and great care in the work that he does with me. I want him to know, at this time of giving, this time of reflection, this joyous season that he has made an incredible difference in my life......OK...I'll save some of the sappiness for another day...got a bit carried away.

aw, STRM ~ I just wanted to say I think that sounds like a really sweet and beautiful gift and should fit within the boundaries she gave. So kind of you! I think it is a perfect T kind of gift. Heartfelt.

STRM,

I think it is sweet that you made a gift for your T! I am sure it will be greatly appreciated and will fall within the category of "acceptable" gifts. Can't wait to hear how it goes when you give it to her.

STRM - Sounds like you are all set to go with your gift....I agree...as long as it's homemade, don't worry about the cost! I hope she accepts it graciously!

Update on my end...I gave T the gift at my last session. I didn't really want to spend the last session before Christmas talking about the gift, so I gave it to him 1 session prior. As usual, all of my worries were squashed! It's weird, I continue to had moments where I think that he is going to reject me or get mad at me or scold me for something I do wrong or tell me he can't work with me becuase I'm a pain in the well..you know....and he continues to accept me (in all of my glory some days! I can be a real doozy) and take anything I throw at him in stride....gift included. He accepted it very graciously, he acknowledged my thougthfulness, told me that I didn't need to do it, but thanked me just the same. It felt good....it really felt good! Hals

Hals... I'm so glad you got a gracious and positive response to your gift. It sounds like you found yourself a good T and you work well together and that he is there for you. I'm glad you took the risk and are now feeling so good about it.

Since I only know my newT for 3 months I have decided to give him a card with a short note in it for the holiday.

TN

June... I plan to hand the card to my T next week when I see him. In fact, I'm on my way out now to try to find the perfect card for him!

TN

June, I'm back and it is really hard to find the "right" card because it's hard to place a T or P in our life... they are not friend or family or romantic interest (or at least they are not supposed to be LOL). I settled for a beautifully hand decorated, unique card with a general Christmas sentiment in it. I also bought him a nice bookmark to put inside... for all the books he is yet to read. And it seems that he does like to read (as opposed to oldT) and this is a nice point of connection for us. I mean... how many Ts do you know that have read In Session? He got a gold star for that one!

Thanks for saying I'm doing better. I had a bad night and morning but I beeped newT and he spoke to me for awhile and really calmed down my nervous system. That's for another thread though.

Good luck in your search.
TN