Hi Musical Me,
I first want to say that I completely understand your fears. It's a very vulnerable scary thing to tell someone you love them especially when you are so convinced that it will be rejected. I know I struggled with all those feelings myself.

I did tell my T I loved him. I'm going to take your questions in order so I don't miss anything.

How did I find the courage to do so? Bit by bit. I had worked with my T for a couple of years in couples counseling and had learned to trust him enough that I risked making an appt alone with him to tell him that I was feeling attracted to him. He responded beautifully and it led to our working together individually. Each time I walked into my fear and opened up to my T he was welcoming and understanding. He would tell me that all of my feelings were welcome in his office and that he had the boundaries and I would be safe no matter what I told him because he wouldn't act on it. So although it was often so terrifying that I would sit at the beginning of sessions shaking an unable to talk, I kept showing a little more each time. Every time I did and got such a wonderful response make it easier to share the next time. The feelings were much like you're describing them, a pure feeling. I definitely wasn't saying I was in love with him, and I told him that. But the main reason I found the courage was based on how he had treated me up to that point.

How did your T respond? Kind of perfectly. I told him that I needed to tell him something and then I told him that I had found something with him I had been searching for my whole life, that I finally knew what home felt like. That I felt connected and understood and that I had never been able to trust anyone so deeply and that I loved him for that. He told me that a lot of people, including some professionals, would say the feeling wasn't real, but that he knew in this kind of honest, intimate relationship those feelings could develop. Then he told me that he did not find my feelings distasteful either personally or professionally and they were very welcome in his office. That he was glad I was feeling so cared for and that I was safe with him. It was an incredible relief. I remember feeling like I could have slept for six months at the end of that session. I have since talked about loving him many times since then and he's never expressed any discomfort about my feelings, no matter what they were.

Do you feel it was worth the risk? I absolutely felt it was worth the risk. I was so terrified to allow myself to get close to anyone, to let myself have feelings of love because on some level I was so convinced that it would end badly with me abused. Being able to express those feelings and have them be met with acceptance and understanding and even more importantly not be taken advantage of, was a major step in helping me to learn that it was a good thing to move closer to another human being. There were many many more terrifying moments and an almost constant fear of betrayal for a long time, but it was in walking into the center of my fears time and again that I was able to learn what I needed to and to heal.

AG

I shared my feelings and have continued to do so honestly. Did my T cope? At first he did. We have huge problems in our relationship and it has been very painful and I am going to be seeing a new P in about two weeks.

But I do not for one second regret telling him how I feel. It was a big step and a huge risk but so amazing to be able to have give a voice to my emotions. I did feel safe enough to do that. Since I took that step I am much more able to tell people in my everyday relationships eg my husband and friends what I need and not feel so scared of being me.

MM - I didn't find the courage. I was fighting to stay unconcious of these feelings for as long as possible and my T "helped me" to become aware. I was shocked to find out (in front of him!) that I cared about him.
The courage is still missing/growing, things in my life got complicated a bit but I don't regret that he pushed me and I spilled it out.
I think you should not be afraid. I know that I should not be afraid, but I still am.

How did he respond? I think he knew before I did. It was a surprise for me, but not quite for him. He was calm and he said that it's alright, there is nothing wrong with caring about somebody, he was fine, non-defensive, accepting, normal sort of. It was me who was shocked and terrified.

quote:

- I didn't find the courage. I was fighting to stay unconcious of these feelings for as long as possible and my T "helped me" to become aware. I was shocked to find out (in front of him!) that I cared about him.

Amazon-question for you. How exactly did your T help you become aware? I feel like I am feeling this way towards my T, amongst some other feelings that I think are directly related to this issue. The anxiety surrounding alll of this is causing me not sleep much and insomnia is seriously causing me to fall into crisis mode.

He kept asking me some dodgy questions, like how I felt about him cancelling a session, and I was like "whatever, now I will go somewhere and miss a session too". I was going to visit a friend one weekend and I would have to miss a session. But then I added very quickly, that I can arrange my trip that way, so I won't miss a session. He wanted to know why would I be bothered with missing a session. I didn't want to cause any trouble to him, but he wanted to know why not. So I was thinking really, really hard why I wouldn't want to cause any sort of problem to him, and before I realized what I was doing, I said "because I care about you". I was shocked, but it was too late. I was doomed.