((((ABOUT)))))

I totally understand how difficult this decision is for you. If you do say something, do it sooner rather than later so that you will still have a couple of sessions to process it with her. You might want to take her up on that skype offer or at least not rule it out completely so you don't feel so detached from her over the summer. It is a good sign that she offered to skype with you over the summer. Maybe she would let you email her?

Thank you for your answer.
I wish I could not "rule out" the Skype option, but, given my level of anxiety about it, I think I would not be able to talk at all (especially in English, as I can become self-conscious to the point of muteness in less than a nano-second.
Maybe the mails could be an idea, but I have communicated very very little with her outside of the sessions, I actually sent a mail with something else than "I am fine with the appointment as it is scheduled" only one time, because I was feeling I was dying, and it was just "err, maybe we could add an appointment, as I do not feel extraordinarily good", which was the euphemism of the century. So, my point: I don't know if she would accept, and I don't know if I would dare to send anything...
Thank you again, and I would love to hear other points of view.

Hi About, and welcome to the community

I agree with Liese, if you are going to speak about these pressing issues then do it soon so you have a few sessions to talk through them before your long break. Otherwise they will be hanging over your head for months driving you insane and possibly worsening your anxiety. I completely understand how difficult it is to shake yourself of the conviction you're going to be rejected or discarded by your T. If they're good, they wont, and they will help you explore where that fear and expectation is coming from so you can think about and understand it more completely.

Hope this helps

Thank you for your answer and advice, it helps a lot to have other points of view.

I guess I will have to do it, since if I don't I will feel guilty/ashamed/worried about it as well. But since I have had problems with sorts of affective dependency earlier, just acknowledging she exists makes me so anxious, because I am so afraid that
a) it would happen again and hurt me,
b) she would freak out and kick me out,
c) she would not freak out but decide it is not good for me and kick me out as well.

But at the same time... I don't see how I can make any progress if I never let myself trust her just a little emotionally? Rationally, I do, I think she's a good T, doing her job seriously. But it is not very useful when it comes to letting her in, so I can only give her facts during the sessions and be scared in front of her. + it would be true with any other T, so I would like to avoid starting back from scratch.

But... at the very beginning, I know she hesitated referring me, because she was not sure she would be the best. I did not care. But now I have started trusting her, it feeds my fear of her throwing stones at me (metaphorically) if I do one wrong move.

Thank you again.


Oh, and random questions generated by the reading of the forum:
- I never got angry at my T (well... I actually never get angry at anyone), I can't even pinpoint one single time she did something wrong, even though she asked me several times, since I am always very scared to speak during the sessions. Is it "wrong"?
- you all seem to text/email/contact your T between the sessions, which is something I would never do (except to deal with problems of schedule, as it happened 3 times, but never anything "personal"), and have never discussed with her. I never questioned it, as I am always convinced I am asking too much from people, so it never even crossed my mind (but I guess it also has to do with my fear of her seeing me as repeating my pattern of dependency)... but... so I wondered... what if I am doing it wrong, not being a good patient (yes, I know, there is no such a thing)? So... is it fine not to contact her? It doesn't mean I think the therapy doesn't help, or she's not helpful, just that I have no right to anything outside the sessions?
Sorry about those random questions.

Hi About,
Welcome to the forums. Just wanted to share some of my experiences in case they might help.

It took me a long time, a lot of work and major help on the part of my T until I could express anger at him. Getting angry when I was a kid was a very dangerous thing to do in my family and could get you in a lot of trouble, not to mention the fact that anger often led straight to violence, so much so that I didn't realize there was a difference. So I was seriously scared to get angry. We did a lot of work around it and I am better at it now (probably to my T's regret ) But there is nothing wrong with you NOT getting angry. If you need to, then it will eventually come up in the work.

As far as contact between sessions, I saw my first therapist for over 20 years (for several bouts of therapy, I took breaks) and in all that time, except for scheduling, made exactly ONE emergency call. My present T, however, really encouraged me to contact him and it turned out to be an important way for me to learn it was ok to ask for what I needed. So again, there really isn't a right or wrong way, just what you need at the time.

As for the rest, I am in a bit of a rush, so if you will forgive me, I'm going to post links to a couple of posts on my blog I think you might find helpful.

Disorganized Attachment or Why you think you're crazy, but really aren't

Therapy Lesson #6: Say How You Feel Anyway

AG

Hi AG!

Thank you a lot for your answer and your lights! I guess, that indeed, I'll see what comes next. I know that there is no right and wrong (but gosh, it would be sooo reassuring if they could give us a guidebook. That would probably take all the fun/interest away, but... )
As for anger, I don't know, I mostly feel that whatever people do, they know better/ are righter than I can, so why would I ever be angry? Anyway, it's not really a problem,more something I wondered about while reading the various topics.
And phone calls: I think it also depends on cultures/country. In my home country, the idea of using any T's first name is just... very unusual, for example, and it doesn't mean they are distant, it's just something noone does, and when my current T said "use my first name" I was totally taken aback by the very concept of that. So I just wanted to make sure it was not a "culture thing" I had been ignoring all along...

Thank you again.

Hi About -
Some things in your posts in this conversation reminded me of me.
I have also wondered if my T wants me to leave -I had been seeing him for meds, then I was advised by a diagnostic team that I should do a different,more intensive kind of therapy, and that I should do it with the same T. But he kept saying he would not be the best person for this - but I wanted to stay. I worried for months that he did not want to be seeing me, especially 3x a week. He would ask if 3x was too much and I would think "he's hoping I'll cut it back to 2 or 1 session a week." I finally told him that was what I was thinking (along with other reasons I thought he would "fire" me) and it was a big relief and he made it very clear that he could handle whatever happened.

So I really hope you talk to your T before you leave and get some peace of mind! I don't think she would offer to skype if she didn't intend to continue seeing you when you return. I really really hope you ask!! 3 months is a long time to worry about that!!

Also, my T is kind of old school and does not take email or even allow patients access to his voice mail - really a new thing for me -so if I want to talk to him I have to leave a message with his staff or, after hours, his answering service. Which I would be too embarrassed to do, except for once when I had a crisis and felt I needed an extra session. So it's different for me, I kind of can't contact him.

To be honest, About, I have mostly heard about people who worry they are bothering their T too MUCH between sessions, you are the first I've heard who worries that not contacting her is bad. Your therapist probably can tell that you would not want to take up her time, I do not think she would think of you as a bad patient. They know therapy is a long journey and don't expect fast changes. She sounds very considerate and caring, I hope everything goes ok and you have a great holiday!
Peanut

Hi Peanut!

Thank you a lot for your answer and sharing your experience!
So... Session update:
- I asked (a little) whether she planed on "firing" me, she said no, but... since I only half asked, I only had half the answer.
- I tried to ask a bit more precisely and tell her about how I am scared, but sadly, my brain decided to freeze, which made me regrettably silent and inarticulate. So I still have only pieces of answers, and if I want to ask more it will be even harder... And she did her best to help me and reassure me, and I am almost sure that my fears are just... fears. I just can't convince myself of it.

Anyway, thank you a lot.

(And yes, worrying about not enough contact is kinda weird, but... I can feel bad about doing absolutely everything, so... ^^ And I feel also weirdly "detached" compared to many stories I read: I absolutely refuse (or almost) to contact/need her outside the sessions, [even though my presence on this forum shows I actually do care] because I am too afraid of becoming too attached. So I don't know if it is actually "better", because I feel that it limits the impact the therapy can have... ^^)

Raah, this is so frustrating, and I feel I 'lost' a session, because honestly, being frozen by fear and almost unable to speak in front of her is fun, but slightly counter-productive... I hate this feeling of failure.

I have had, in the past, several 'transferences' for people who were not T, but the big "I want them to be my mother" + I am in a deep deep dark hole where everything is so painful and I am so needy that I feel I am going to die right now if I can't reach them + bordering on stalking (not actually it, but... far too close to feel good). So I just am SO afraid of letting her in even a little and having it happening again, because it would hurt so much and I am not sure she would approve it. So... avoidance in the way to keep it under control (I am not even sure it would happen), but I am wondering if it doesn't lead me to completely avoid the issue, which is (partly) what lead me into therapy.

Any suggestion?

Thank you again for your answer!

Sorry for the double post, just...
- do I try again? Broaching more precisely my current problem: I am not sure I can let her (my T) exist (I mean, I know she exists, I just try to emotionally erase her, to keep a safe distance, but I am not sure it is good for the therapy because it generates anxiety + limits the impact of what she says)?
- or I just drop it, because after all, I can talk about many other things?

Thank you. Sorry for asking again.

About,
This is really scary and painful work engaging with the pain evoked by moving closer to our therapists. BUT, in my experience, that is the work of therapy. We learned behaviors and ways of relating as children that helped us to survive inescapable circumstances. But they have left behind a legacy of behaviors and beliefs that no longer serve us very well.

One of my most important realizations in therapy was realizing that I had always believed that pain was an integral part of love; to love was to be in pain. But what I learned from my therapist was that pain is an integral part of life, but that love was what allowed us to face and overcome that pain.

I had spent my whole life looking for the optimal distance to stand from another person. Close enough to get my needs met, but far enough away that the grief of what I had not gotten would not be evoked. Turned out it didn't exist. So engaging directly with the relationship, facing and expressing the pain and understanding just why I was avoiding intimacy was how I healed. So my guess would be that if you are avoiding things in your relationship with your therapist, you are avoiding those things in your other relationships. It may be that avoidance which is causing you to be in the pain that led you to seek out therapy. This is your chance to understand it by interacting with a safe person whose needs are not part of the equation.

You are a much better judge of your situation than I would be and know yourself and your therapist on a level I don't come close to approaching but for me, the relationship was the therapy. I would try and talk about it if you can bring yourself to talk about it. This is not easy stuff at all and quite terrifying to actually do.

AG

Hi AG!

Thank you a lot for your answer and sorry it took me so long to answer, this week has been exhausting. I'll see what I can do, I just feel so tired.

I wish you all the best.

*trying to figure out whether getting drunk before going to see T is a proper way to deal with the anxiety, I am just a bit tired of being afraid*

Hi About.

I have had that same thought, usually before an important session (e.g., one where I wanted to tell T something big). Then I'd think, I'd rather fully experience the session, even if it's bad... Are you especially anxious for your session, and if so, can you figure out why and use that to open the discussion with your T?

True story: I once got completely drunk (passed out) after a bad session. I rarely drink at all, so it didn't take much to "achieve" this. But then...while I was recovering, I had a really important insight about why the session had upset me so much, and I later shared it with my T. I suggested to her that maybe I should drink heavily after every session, to gain more insight! She didn't agree...

RabbitEars

Hi, About.

I haven't yet had a chance to interact with you, but I've been reading (and empathizing!) with your threads. I'm glad you're here, reaching out for support while working things through.

Hmmm, I just read your thread while sipping a beer before my session. I'm not sure about your T, but I think mine will not be thrilled with this particular coping mechanism. But among the various mechanisms that I use, I'm guessing he'll think this is on the benign end of the spectrum.

Hang in there.

Thank you for your answers, it means a lot.

And, I am in a generally anxious moment, I will be going back to my country and my family for 3 months in one week and it is very frightening to me and reinforces my "I'm a failure" feeling.
And last session with T didn't go so well, as I spend most of the time unable to speak because I was to afraid of provoking the apocalypse (my slightly exagerated perception of "saying something that might be wrong"), and I don't see how this one can be better except if I avoid every sensitive issue (but then, what's the point).
And... I was supposed to stop si (or sh, I never know). I told her to ask me if I had managed to do that, because I hoped it would help me, if I was accountable to someone outside myself. But I failed, and I can't decide whether I should tell her or not, and whether it makes me a failure.
And she told me I would succeed at writing an essay, because I always do (which is true, usually), but it simply increased my fear of failing, disappointing everyone and I haven't been able to write a word in one week.
So, I am just... tired of feeling like I am going to fail/die every minute, and I don't see how to avoid it.
Oh, and Reasonable-Me suggests that I should also mention about my very interesting plans to get myself hurt enough to be able to be free (not dead, just... hurt enough to sleep for sometimes), which are really well planned but might include the presence of some reasonable amount of danger, and I have no idea how she would react, I don't know if I'll implement the plan, I just... gathered everything. But Reasonable-Me thinks it might be good to make sure I don't do it. Frightened-Me thinks that everything is under control and it will keep me from fear. And what if T kicks me out because of this?
+ I never drink, so it's not really hard for me to be drunk, since I usually drink less than a glass of wine/a year...

Thank you so much.

Hi About.

You're not a failure, because you're still trying, right?

I definitely think it would be a good idea to tell your T about any thoughts/wishes about getting hurt or hurting yourself. I don't think your T would kick you out. Maybe you can do a contract with her to promise NOT to carry out any plan that involves getting hurt. That would help you be accountable and safe, which I'm sure your T wants you to be.

Can you tell your T "I have something I need to tell you, but I'm afraid if I do, you'll kick me out?" and then tell her? Getting that fear out in the open first may help your T understand what you need from her in response.

I hope this helps, About. Please be safe and listen to "Reasonable Me"


RabbitEars

It took me a long time but i told my T by text my thoughts of SI and then when I do it, I told him by text as well that I had done it. He has not condemned me, we just spoke about it. I told my ED nurse as well. I feel shame, but also better for having spoken out.

Thank you for your kind and sensible answers.

T knows about the SI, but she also knows it's "under control" (not health threatening, it's just... unhealthy coping which leaves scars), so it's not a big subject. I don't know if it's her way to be non-judgmental or the fact that it really is not very important.

And so... I survived the session (even though, and I really am not proud) I was kinda of very tipsy when I arrived (not visibly though, so... not too much), but it helped admitting that I had relapsed. The trouble to focus was actually a good way to avoid fear, and... we ended with the "let's broach the big subject I have been avoiding for months". But I haven't dared to mention the Big Evil Plan of Frightened Me.

So globally... it was not the end of the world, on the contrary (let's be afraid of the next one). I know it's not a "good" way to deal with fear, but... it's not the worst, and everything is tiring...

Quick update: so, we broach the Subject. And she said she wasn't going anywhere. And that I was a great human being (please, please, please God, don't let her read on this forum). So now I can say: oh it's nice. And please please, can she not say that, I can't deal with it, it will hurt, and please, please, please don't let that happen (hurt me so it doesn't hurt).

Sorry, I am ranting. So I think everything went fine, apart from me freaking out and panicking and the self-hate (but I have that anyway, so... ). Sorry, I just needed to vent a bit, even if it's not exactly a very constructive post.

(by the way, should I move the topic/ask for it to be moved to Account&stories because it's too general for the "Question" section?)