I thought my father was back in that picture, but I think it is all T now, and that concerns me.
I had a good look at him with my memory of today. I picked every little fault, and turned him into a grovelling heap of crud. I have a toilet roll of faults in store.
I think I am building up to some serious shyte towards him. You know
type. If Ma/Da are so close to being out of the picture, only he is left to cop any shyte remaining. Bugger the guilt, (fear of rejection) if that's what is meant to happen, I will make it happen. Another thing, these 'check' phone calls are more a phone session for me. I think they have helped me to lean more heavily on him to rid me of my parents. He's a cunning old codger among other things that I shall omit to mention.
It looks like this will be a more hostile relationship than a dependent one soon enough.
I see this time as a letting go of the need for T. I'm afraid of it, at the same time I feel the urge to do what ever it takes to let go. Is it a part of the separation with Ma, or is it confined to T? Both? It's all about emotional growth.
Letting go of T will be a lot easier than letting go of that family. I have lent on a rock T long enough to feel my feet on the ground now.
I'm having a great deal of trouble making sense of my toilet list of complaints about T. Most of them make no sense at all. Should that matter when it comes to venting anger?
I do feel very much like the chick sitting on the edge of the nest. I want to know what it is like to fly, but it's bloddywell scary Sir. Can I imagine doing without T? Thinking!.......I have anyway. Since the beginning of therapy, T wasn't there when I needed him the most, I WAS.
I am, I said.
Good but bad
http://youtu.be/esGGlZSIEow
So, what better way of finding out what gives? I read out the blog to T, and we discussed it all at length. Then we got into more meaningful stuff about brain, and how amazing she/he is.
If brain is not bothered by too much negative emotion the skys the limit. Our lives would be much more meaningful. Brain is the most complex piece of art ever to evolve from space matter. She can even clone herself when mums have a baby.
I can walk away from such a conversation and not be aware of any real meaning, but during two hours sleep, brain can process that converse and reveal something seemingly out of the blue to me. She works tirelessly 24/7 for a life time.
She and T have given me a pretty good sense of self, I think. Many's the time I have asked T, 'Who am I, and Where am I?' I knew I had to find out that answer myself. I just wished I had of known who I was and where I was in my younger years instead of needing near 1/2 a century of therapy to find out.
