I also want to wish you a happy birthday. I am sorry it is filled with so many hard memories. Does your T do weekend contact? I'm wondering if it would be possible to call him and have a 5-10 minute conversation to associate this birthday with how far you really have come in the last year, with the connection that is starting to bloom between you and the light that is shared there. If that's not possible or wouldn't help, then I'm sorry. I am still so angry every time I hear about this old T. (((hugs))) to you on your birthday. I'm so sorry family stuff is making it harder to get through this day, but I hope you are able to enjoy your dinner a bit and celebrate a bit in this journey you are on.

(((((TRUE NORTH))))

Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday even though it is marred by bad memories. You are making it through these anniversaries, one by one, as hard as it is. The day is almost over.

(((HUGS)))

Liese

Thanks Liese and Draggers for the birthday wishes. I am not sure I will ever really have peace without the opportunity for some real closure. Sometimes I really think I will go mad insane with the unanswsered questions and the confusion and the rejection. To know that there is someone out there running around in the world who knows ALL your deepest secrets and hates and abhors you to the point that they would rather lose their professional license than see you... well that is hard to just get over.

Yaku, I emailed my T yesterday and got a nice response from him reminding me of our connection and how far I have come and what he sees in me and who I am. I just cannot take it in, there is too much pain and too many memories in the way. Right now the light feels like it has gone out and I'm in the darkest dark place. I had a major meltdown an hour ago screaming at my family that I hate my fucking birthday. I do hate it and it will just never be the same again.

TN

(((TN)))

Happy Birthday! I have a really hard time with my birthday as well so I can relate to that, but for different reasons. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I think it is understandable given all of the anniversaries you are facing. Be gentle with yourself.

(((TN))) Sorry. I shouldn't have suggested it after all. I don't want to be triggering, but I really relate to your pain. I was ready to cease existing on my last birthday (luckily fell on a day I saw T). Just sending you love and thoughts and prayers for you to get through this rough day and reconnect with your T in your next session (Monday, is it?).

(((((TN)))))))

Happy Birthday, I am sorry that it is so dark for you right now, but it is my hope, and my belief, that this is the last miserable birthday you will know. Your T is the real deal and you are working really hard and although you can't feel it right now, you are doing really good work and healing. And that will continue. By this time next year, you'll be in a much better place. I have said it to you before, if you have no hope, than allow me to hope for you until you are ready to feel it again for yourself. There is another side to this grief, there is light after the darkness, and there is life and joy ahead. I truly believe you will get there with all my heart.

love, AG

(((TN)))

I'm so sorry your birthday has been so awful. I didn't know our birthdays were a day apart.

I wish you weren't having such a horrible time. I too see so much progress and moving forward in your therapy. And like AG said, your T is the real deal. I can understand somewhat how you feel, not having the connection you had with oldT and missing it, and reliving old painful feelings and memories. I think I will soon be in the same boat, although my T is not intentionally abandoning me. I honestly think she sort of abandoned me 18 months ago when I told her I was attached. I think if I were to continue with her that things would deteriorate further, and it would probably come to the point where she would have to terminate me for my own welfare, and probably her own as well. Some Ts are unfortunately not equipped to help those of us with deep attachment wounds. It is sad. I'm so sorry for what your oldT did to you. But I'm also so happy that you have found a good T with good boundaries and such an amazing knowledge and understanding of attachment theory and object relations. I wish and hope that I can find a T like him.

Hang in there, TN. This too will pass. Like AG I hope and think that this will be your last miserable birthday. I sure hope it was mine.

Hugs,
MTF

TN,
I don't know what happened with your old T. However, I know what the rejection and fear and lack of closure can feel like. I know how it feels to know that there is someone out there who knows your deepest and darkest thoughts and won't even speak to you. The pain is tremendous. I am finally finding closure without any help from him. But it still hurts. The best thing I can do for myself is to see myself as a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. He sees the real me and it doesn't matter what a mere mortal thinks. I hope you feel better and Happy Birthday.

((((((((TN))))))))

TN -
Wishing you well on this day. I used to so love holidays & celebrations, but not so much anymore. My b-day this year, my son moved out, and I spent the day alone. It sucked - big time!
I will pray that you continue to have successful therapy, and wich you greater success and happiness!
Thinking of you!(((((TN)))))
GG

Happy Birthday

<3

Thank you everyone for being so kind and for the wishes. I made it through the weekend. Today was better than yesterday (Sat.) and now I am just looking forward to seeing my T in exactly 12 hours and 15 minutes! I had asked him a question in an email on Friday about an insurance matter and he said he would let me know when he could. This morning I woke up to a VERY unexpected email from him with thie info I needed and the also wrote "I hope your weekend is going okay". That meant so much to me. This T NEVER initiates an email unless he his changing an appointment and he could of given me the info I needed when I saw him tomorrow. It's not like I could call the insurance company on Sunday. And so I felt like for some reason he wanted to reach out to me in a really subtle way and connect to help me through the weekend. I may be imagining all of this but it helped me to feel more stable so I'm not going to look at it more closely.

STRM thanks for understanding. I'm sorry you have to relate to the whole birthday misery. But I'm glad things seem to be back on track with your T.

Yaku... so sorry you didn't want to exist on your last birthday. I hope that will never happen to you again and that you continue to move forward with the help of your caring T. Thanks for the love, thoughts and prayers.

Monte, thanks for the bearable birthday wishes. Yeah some days are harder than others. I should have never read those progress notes oldT sent me. I read the entries for my birthday for the 2 previous years. Nothing he wrote was correct but what he wrote was hurtful and damaging for me to read. Does he really believe what he wrote? It was like a knife in my heart. I DO have a wonderful T now. I know I do. I am so blessed to have him. But it does not erase the pain it just allows me to work through it with someone... over and over again. I'm sure he wants to scream by now. He is amazing and I'm crying over an unethical, incompetent and cruel oldT. I just can't help it.

Thank you AG for the words and your hope and your belief in me. I feel so guilty that I am not happy and cheerful for my family. I just cannot FEEL it. I'm just really tired. I know things are not as bad as even six months ago and that thanks to my wonderful T I am slowly healing. Thank you for continuing to hold that hope for me... it seems very elusive lately.

MTF.... a belated Happy Birthday to you too. I'm sorry I have not commented much in your thread. I don't have much to offer right now. I do think what you are doing is brave and smart. I'm sorry I didn't leave my oldT first because then even though I would be heartbroken to be without him and sad that I had to end our therapy... I would not also be struggling with rejection, abandonment, banishment and hopelessness. It's hard to go on without someone that you attached to but it's so so much worse when they reject and abandon you as well. It backs you into a corner with no voice and no where to go that is not filled with pain. I cannot believe death could be any more painful. I wish you the best as you take your next steps. Please keep us updated so we can support you along the way to a new T. Thank you for being so generous with your words and wishes to me. I truly do hope that you find a T like mine. I believe it's possible. When I went out looking for a new T, I was looking for AG's T! I believe I found someone very similar to him and I very happy I did. But it took seeing 5 T's to find him. Guess I was stubborn LOL.

Nobledaugheter.... I'm sorry you know the pain I'm in and how that feels. I'm glad you are finding your own closure with things. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

((((Kashley)))) thanks. Two more days for you. Hang in there. It will all be fine.

GG....Ninn.......DF......thank you all for thinking of me and for your wishes. I really appreicate them.

TN

TN,

I think that was very sweet of T to include that little note in his email to you. I do think that was his way of reaching out to say he was thinking of you, that he cares, and he knows you are having a difficult time. Very thoughtful and caring of him. Warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

I also want to say that I can relate to the whole birthday misery thing. Two years ago on my birthday I came home to find my husband of only 7 months having sex with our yoga instructor on the sofa. After that, I just didn't care much about birthdays and they became a source of pain. I also think that older we get, they become more painful regardless of whether our lives are good, stable, and filled with joy because the birthday is simply a reminder that we are getting older and essentially much closer to death. Why on earth would we want to celebrate such a thing?!

I know that for you,birthday's are a reminder of your oldT, eating donuts, and then just a year later having so much toxicity between the two of you....so even the donut memory, though a good one, is now bittersweet.

I hope that you are able to find a place of comfort on your birthday this year and even if you aren't "celebrating" in the traditional sense, you are able to fill yourself with innerpeace and comfort, especially knowing that you are in a much better place this year.